I poop straight into my neighbor’s compost bin.

I’ve even taken up breathing directly onto trees. Apparently this makes oxygen production more efficient. (Just kidding. Do not actually try this as the trees may become angry with you.)

Yes, it’s hard being green. Often what is good for the environment comes into conflict with what is good for our own ease or comfort.

You want to save water by flushing less. You also want to eat healthy and so buy organic, local, sustainably grown… asparagus. You see where I’m going here. There’s nothing mellow about that yellow.

You take a life affirming, spiritual journey to Southeast Asia. You return with a blissful smile and the understanding that we are all one with the planet, except Republicans. Alas, the carbon footprint left in the upper atmosphere from your round trip flight is so large you have no choice but to kill yourself to offset it.

The most terrible conflict between our own wants and the needs of the planet is in our sex lives. Trying to live in harmony with the planet leads to some very odd conclusions.

1) Trusted monogamy is good for the environment.
It’s rather simple; condoms are bad for the environment. Condoms are latex, a naturally occurring sap from rubber trees. But between the spermicide, the chemical processes strengthening them and the lubes, the compost is not an option. Not to mention those little foil packs they come in. As far as the green movement is concerned, the nearly 500 million condoms used annually in the US are a menace.

Of course it is responsible to use a condom if one is engaging with multiple partners.

Thus, responsible promiscuity is bad for the environment.

Even condom using couples are straining the earth’s resources. If you truly want to be one with the earth it’s a monogamous relationship and a diaphragm. For gay men it is simply a monogamous relationship. For gay women, you guys get a green star from the Sierra Club.

One could argue in favor of the pill. But the pill seems to flood our water supply with all kinds of hormones. Big strong men suddenly find themselves crying at the Sex and the City movie because they’ve been drinking tap water. Next thing you know its man boobs. That can’t end well.

2) Lowered inhibitions are good for the environment.
Think of it, how do we power all our sex toys? With batteries and plugging into outlets. Think of all those batteries. They certainly run out fast enough. Vibrators seem to be little more than energy suckers. You can recycle your batteries but this is not very efficient and most of us are lazy about that anyway.
Perhaps you prefer to plug yours in. It seems better. Of course you’re burning a mass of coal into the atmosphere just to get off. That’s not very holistic of you.

What we need are alternative energy sex toys. I’ve read of experiments with wind-powered vibrators but most ended in unfortunate injuries. Solar power seems like a good bet except so much of our activity takes place in the dark. That means your vibe has to hold its charge. That means it has a battery, something that stores energy. That battery will have to be replaced.

Better to use a solar powered vibrator that gets its energy directly from the light without storing it. Best to use your vibe in the sun or with the light on.
See, lowered inhibitions are good for the environment.

3) Sex toys leave a skewered historical record.
We need biodegradable sex toys. A compostable anal plug would sell like hot cakes amongst the kinky earth conscious set.

Without that we’re going to wind up with giant landfills of old dildos, anal plugs, vibrators and condoms? Can you imagine the future archaeologist who starts excavating that mound? What kind of history will she write?

4) Your sex life is an environmental menace or Bicycle Booty Call: the way of the future.
This is all about leading a carbon neutral sex life. When you go out to the clubs you are waiting for the electric night bus or you’re hopping on your bicycle. Then there you are at 2 a.m., new found honey beside you, but you’re not hailing a cab to jump in the back and start your foreplay. You’re not climbing into your car and rocketing home or maybe just getting to it right there.

No. In a carbon neutral sex life you are standing on a dark, dingy street corner hoping the night bus is on time. You’re surrounded by couples that are fighting, others that are exhibitionists, and lots of envious stares from the singles whose nights didn’t pan out, and, of course, the incredibly loud, obnoxious drunk people. Or you’re putting her on the back of your bike.

No more driving to hook-ups. When you get a booty call you’re hopping on your bicycle.

And so much for your romantic weekend getaway. Think of all that waste as you drive along for no good reason. You could always carpool.

“Hey honey, let’s go up the coast and rent a cabin for the weekend.”

“That sounds great honey. Gina and Dave are driving up that way to see his parents. We can carpool.”
Good for the environment, bad for your relationship.

It’s a sticky wicket I tell you. One thing you can definitely do is refuse to buy sex toys shipped from Europe or Japan. Good luck with that.

Just face it your sex life is an environmental menace.

*Good Vibrations Disclaimer – If you would like to find out how to make your sex life green from discovering sustainable toys to buying products from vendors who use fair labor practices or even picking out a lube made with vegan ingredients, click on this link for great eco-friendly products and suggestions from our staff: Green Sex Guide