Q: can a gay encounter, as a virgin’s 1st ever – shape their life long sexual preferences? i’m str8, first f** was with a man – STILL curious

There are two distinct ways to look at this. In this culture we hear sexual orientation referred to in such exclusively binary terms most of the time that this question essentially asks if one orientation can supersede or overlay another one — and actually, that’s one of the conservative worries about homosexuality and other sexual variation: that too much exposure will take a “normal” person and turn ‘em kinky. Certainly all our sexual experience (and other experiences, for that matter) are part of each person’s overall lifepath, and many things can influence us in one direction or another as far as sexual, relationship, and other choices go (our college major, where we choose to live, what job we pursue, what we read… this list is really pretty endless, because all these experiences and choices in the aggregate make each of us an individual).

However, some elements of your identity are understood to be built-in and not subject to simple choice. This is why many in the gay community (and many sexual scientists) now dislike the term “sexual preference” to refer to a person’s sexual orientation: this makes it sound like a choice, and many argue that orientation is inborn.

Even if you take piano lessons, you’re not a musical prodigy unless you’re wired to be; even if you’re given hot chilis to eat, if you don’t like the experience, you may avoid eating them for the rest of your life. One sexual experience, including your first one, does not make you gay or straight. (Loads of gay people had straight sexual experiences before they came out, and they aren’t interesting in repeating them.) But if an experience is pleasant or curiosity-provoking, or if one identifies around it in some way, it might become an experience you consider important, even one you choose to repeat.

Which brings me to the other way to look at the question: If you are interested in the other sex (I don’t use the term “opposite sex,” I don’t think we ARE opposites), have had an experience with someone of the same sex, and are open to having more such experiences, the word “bisexual” might be a more appropriate label than either “straight” or “gay.” Now, you don’t have to take on any label at all (lots of people say “I’m just sexual,” or call themselves “bi-curious” or “open”) — your sexual feelings are your own, your orientation yours to define, and the way you integrate sexual feelings into relationships can also take many forms. For some people, sexual feelings are fluid and subject to change, and as you accumulate more sexual experience, the balance of your interests may shift. Or that may not describe you at all, and you may remain a straight person who had one same-sex experience (and you would be far from alone in this). The more informed you become about sexuality, the better you will understand and feel comfortable about your options — and the more you accumulate adult sexual experiences, the more your first experience will be put into the context of your ongoing sex life.

–CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
Bisexual’s Guide To The Universe
LGBT / Queer Sexuality Book Selection

I’m especially intrigued by this statement:

“The universities in this state are to provide the opportunities for a higher education, not studies on controversial behaviors.”

Funny, I thought that one of the purposes of college was to help people explore controversial topics and develop the critical thinking and self-reflection skills they need to find their own perspectives. But then, if you want everyone to agree with you, critical thinking isn’t going to be your cup of tea.

There’s also this one:

“I am sure many of you share my disgust and outrage at how taxpayer’s dollars are being spent by universities. We need to protect the taxpayers’ dollars from such a gross misuse and stop universities from offering such offensive classes on taxpaer’s dollar.”

Notice how she took her disgust and outrage about sex and turned it into an economic moral high ground. I’m also impressed with how she talked about “protecting” the dollar. Because we all know how our bank accounts get scared when we talk about sex.

Whoever wrote this is really good at twisting the truth. They managed to conflate queer theory (a well-recognized theoretical approach to gender studies), male prostitution and oral sex. Not to mention that they make it sound like the professors are teaching people how to become prostitutes or have oral sex, rather than studying behaviors that people engage in from, say, a sociological perspective.

The National Sexuality Resource Center has created an online petition to save sexuality studies. Here’s a snip from it:

We need to act now to protect the integrity of scientific research and the importance of sexuality and gender studies–including those who do sexuality work in complementary programs like anthropology, gerontology, sociology and ethnic studies.The work of these researchers and academics contributes greatly to a healthier sexuality for all of us, preventing disease, addressing stigma and promoting lifelong sexual literacy with accurate, science-based evidence.

Science and research must trump opinion. We must defend the pursuit of knowledge and scholarly inquiry–the purpose of which is to have a better understanding of humanity and our world in order to work for change for the betterment of humankind. Controversial and innovative research topics are at the very heart of academic and philosophical debate that drive the classrooms and laboratories of faculty, staff, and students to finding solutions to society’s biggest problems.

Pass the link along, go to the petition and sign it (you can do it anonymously, if you want). Do what you can to keep this valuable piece of academic work and scientific research alive.

“Male Erotic Massage” was to start in one hour in the big tent, lots of rubbing in the and around the penial area and men making whooping noises.

Happening at that moment however, in the little tent, was “Manscaping”. We went inside to find a drag queen, and two speedo-boys on their knees armed with electric clippers.

Dominic, Reynaldo and my brother jumped in line. I went to sit on the cushions with Misty and watch. Dry heat, dust, and electric clippers spell one thing for me, rash.

Dominic was the first to go and had to explain that he tended to get aroused rather easily. Sure enough Dominic’s flagpole went right up as the clippers began their journey round his pubus maximus. Well done Dominic, Reynaldo is a lucky man.

Reynaldo went next. He jumped before one of the speedo-boys, legs apart, fists to his hips, ready to be groomed in his Superman stance.

My brother found himself naked before the drag queen named Cupcake. He was told that the cum bucket was over to his right. The clipping began and the hair started to fall.

Now, Manscaping, the art of landscaping the male body, was something I always thought of as being in the homosexual domain. The thought process went something like this:

Men primping and preening their bodies, it sounds like pre-revolution France. The next thing you know we’ll all be wearing make-up and stockings and high heels. It’s a sign of the fall of the empire. We’ll never win the next war like that.

It is possible for any of us to be small minded.

Watching these well toned bodies get manscaped, seeing natural gardens carefully tended I began to see things differently.

Riding out to the Playa with three freshly shaved scrotums beside me it seemed manscaping was rather a celebration of the body.

When I mentioned this to Reynaldo he told me how in ancient times Greek and Trojan warriors used to cover their bodies in oil and then use a stick to scrape the oil off. The dirt would come off with it and the warriors bodies would be left glistening and soft from the oil.

( As an aside Reynaldo also mentioned how the name Trojanz is rather silly for a condom as the Trojans are famous for letting just one thing through the gate and that was the end of everything. )

There is certainly a danger to vanity. I can remember stories of girls at Vanderbilt waking up two hours before class to primp. And there is the absurdity of Louis XVI court. But there is this other side, the side of the warriors, an anointing and taking care of the vessel we use to make our way through the world.

So I decided to try it.

First things first, do not try and shave your own ass.

There’s no good angle, your hands are too wet to hold your cheeks apart and god help you if the razor slips.

All right, moving on.

Manscaping is fabulous, your chest shaved down, treasure trail maintained, nipples clear, to say nothing of a smooth and soapy package. It’s as though you’ve been wearing a long sleeved shirt beneath your cashmere sweater. Suddenly you take the shirt off and realize, “My god, this is what cashmere feels like.”

You feel everything, the wind, your shirt, your own thighs. Everything becomes an opportunity for arousal. Misty’s hands were like magic. Your whole body stands up and cries hello.

And that’s after the fact. The actual process is Manscaping is a journey of appreciation. You become very free with yourself, pulling yourself this way and that, looking at places that are yours but you’ve probably never seen.

I have never touched myself so gently. Granted part of that is fear as I was wielding a razor, but as I grew more comfortable with the razor my touch continued. It was a very loving touch, and erotic. I saw the curves of my body like never before.

I thought of those warriors and what their bodies meant to them. Their bodies kept them alive, saved them, and they bestowed blessings in turn upon their bodies.

I could never be that in touch with my body unless I sat on a beach for 10 years and lay siege to a city with all my best and worst friends. But manscaping has changed the way I am in my body. I am aware of my skin, of my muscles beneath, of how strong and tender it all is.

It’s true that I now have a rash. But it seems a small price to pay. When my brother came home to his wife, Octavia, she loved her manscaped man. And Reynaldo and Dominic were the hit of the male erotic massage class.

Me, I’m thinking it might be time to find me a stick and cover myself in oil. I have no hand-to-hand combat to engage in but clean, glistening and soft does sound nice.

1) What are some of the possible effects of menopause on sexuality? What sorts of things can folks expect and what are some ways to respond to them?

Many women experience hot flashes, night sweats, sleep deprivation, and mood swings – which sometimes feel like PMS on steroids! – and who can get in the mood for sex with all that going on? Trust me – it gets better after menopause, once your system calms down and adjusts to hormonal changes. Meanwhile, communicate clearly with your partner and your family, and try to take time for yourself – a “pause” – while you’re going through this emotional and physiological upheaval.

Once the extreme changes have ebbed, the ongoing challenges from diminishing estrogren at menopause and beyond include decreased vaginal lubrication and thinning of the labia and vaginal tissues. These changes can result in painful intercourse, a burning or stinging sensation, or even tearing. In addition, we may take much longer to become aroused and, after arousal, to reach orgasm.

For both of those challenges, it’s crucial to use a good, slippery lubricant. Even if you think you’re wet enough, your natural lubrication has changed – it’s thinner and less protective for your more delicate tissues. So experiment with a slick lube that feels good and doesn’t dry out or get tacky quickly. Personally, I love both Liquid Silk, which feels most like natural lubrication and stays moist through prolonged sex, and Eros, which is very slippery and comfortable.

Never use Vaseline, baby oil, cooking oil, or other greasy stuff you might have on hand. These are difficult to clean out of your vagina and can cause irritation or even infection. Use a lubricant made specifically for sexual comfort and pleasure.

You can buy samples of several different lubricants to find the one(s) that you and your partner prefer. Rather than being embarrassed about needing lubricant, make it part of your sex play by letting your partner apply it gently with caresses.

2) What are some of the relationship changes that people going through menopause might be dealing with? How might they choose to address them?

The hardest part is talking about it. If you feel less sexy, or more self-conscious about your aging body, or frustrated with your changing sexual responses, talk to your partner and plan ways that your new needs can be incorporated into your love play. For example, you may need to communicate that you need longer foreplay, with more whole-body touching before your lover arrives at your hot spots. You may need to change the time of day that you have sex to times that you feel a combination of relaxed and alert – maybe morning, maybe late afternoon.

It’s also helpful to do other physical activities together, such as dancing, hiking, working out or even walking the dog. Being physical together – even when the activity is not specifically sexual – can lead to a enhanced body awareness and closeness. Exercise also increases blood circulation, which – ahem! – sends more blood to your genitals and brain as well as to your muscles! You may find that you feel sexier after exercise, more open to sensual exploration, so make use of it!

Realize that as our biological drive gets less urgent, we may find that leisurely sex is more satisfying than the frantic sex that was so exciting in our youth. Even something as simple as making love in the daytime instead of after dinner (I find I can’t digest and have satisfying sex at the same time!) may make a huge difference.

3) Are there specific sexual products that might be useful or fun for women experiencing menopause and/or their partners?

Oh yes! Here’s where a sex toy can be your new best friend. If you’re experiencing decreased sensation – a touch that used to set off fireworks in your brain and genitals now barely lights a spark, for example – try using a strong, plug-in vibrator for your clitoral stimulation. My personal favorite is the Eroscillator (I wrote about its pleasures at length in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty!), and I also enjoy the Acuvibe.

If your partner is a man who resists sex toys, let him watch while you pleasure yourself and ask him to participate by kissing you, holding you, and touching you. Let him run the vibrator over his nipples and genitals, if he wishes. Encourage a “threesome” – the two of you and the vibrator – so that he doesn’t feel “replaced.”

4) For women who want to talk to their doctors about menopause and sexuality, what are some ways to bring the topic up? What questions might they ask?

I wish doctors would automatically ask, “Is there anything about your sexual response that you would like to ask about?” But since few do this, please take it on yourself to bring up the subject.

It’s crucial to describe any changes in sexual response to your doctor, not just to live with diminished pleasure. Your doctor may want you to go on HRT, or use the estrogen ring or cream, or take a testosterone test to see if you need that hormone, which also affects sexual response in women. Sometimes changed sexual response can be a sign of another problem – a medical condition that needs to be addressed, or a drug interaction that can be resolved with a change of medication. Find out what’s going on with you. Encourage your partner to consult a doctor about his or her changing sexual responses, also.

If your doctor seems unwilling or unable to help you, ask for a referral to another health professional. I’ve had terrific advice from a nurse practitioner at a major HMO – she keeps up to date on the research, and studies my medical history to give me personalized advice.

5) Do you have advice regarding hormone replacement therapy (HRT)?

I don’t give medical advice, and my personal experience should never be confused with scientific proof that something works. Even if something does work for me, or for your best friend, that doesn’t mean it will work for you, or that it won’t have undesirable side effects or interact with a medication you take in a way you don’t expect. Please consult your own healthcare provider to find the best medical or alternative solution for you. Tell your doctor about any herbs or supplements you are taking, because they may have effects you don’t realize.

Women can now expect to live an average of eighty-two years, which means that women will now live one third of their lives postmenopausally, points out Sheryl A. Kingsberg, Ph.D., a sex researcher.

We all need to make our own decisions about HRT and alternatives, and what to do about the effects of dwindling hormone levels. We’re all different, and we can’t know for sure whether, in our individual case, HRT is good for us or bad for us, and which type/combination/brand might be better or worse.

For now, I’m happy using only an estrogen ring internally to thicken the vaginal skin so I don’t tear, and lubricant for comfort during sex. My nurse practitioner tells me the effects of the ring are local and are thought not to affect the rest of the body.

We’re offended by outdated stereotypes of asexual older women, and we’re not going to hide behind them at this time of our lives. Specifically, we’re not going to roll over and play dead when our private parts are concerned. Admittedly there are problems with sex after menopause, but we can adjust to our post-menopausal changes without losing our sexy zest.

Juicy is an attitude, I’ve come to realize, based not on the flow of our vaginal secretions but on physical well-being, emotional state, mental attitude, and love of sex. Here’s to post-menopausal zest – and understanding lovers!