But when it comes down to it, the sex industry is as diverse as any other. And while it’s probably safe to say that most sex workers do it for the money, that’s not significantly different from why most people become lawyers, teachers, truck drivers, or office assistants. Ask yourself- if you won the lottery today, would you keep your job? If so, then you are a truly fortunate person. And most people would quit in a heartbeat, giving the lie to the idea that getting into sex work for the money is inherently different from getting into any profession for the money.

So with that in mind, myfirstprofessionalsex.com is a brand new website up for the purpose of collecting the stories of sex workers’ decisions to get into the industry. Here’s a snippet from the front page:

Here you’ll find the stories from sex workers about their decisions to enter the sex business – porn stars, prostitutes, strippers, webcam actors, phone sex operators, professional doms/dommes, and others for whom sex or sexual fantasy is a part of what they do for a living. Each person who enters this type of work goes through some kind of thought processes where they decide to engage in the work and we’ll be shedding some light on that for the average person. Many of these stories will be compelling, some may be exhilarating, and others may be sad and heartbreaking. We’re not holding anything back – you’ll see the good stories, and you’ll see the negative stories. All are equally legitimate and equally valid.

The page just went up, so there aren’t any stories yet. Feel free to pass the link along. This project is the brainchild of Alexa of therealprincessdiaries.com. I don’t know anything about her other than what’s on her site, but her writing offers an interesting and articulate take on the high-end escort experience.

Related at Good Vibrations:

Working Sex
Best Sex Writing 2009
Pink Box: Inside Japan’s Sex Clubs

(Second DM: i only ask this, as a sex worker transitioning out of the industry, this has come up a lot in my past relationships. Thanks!)

Until Sadie Lune’s anthology comes out which will explore such relationships, here’s what I’d say:

This is comparable to two other questions put together, the one where someone’s had lots of sexual experience with which their partner is uncomfortable, and the one where sex workers have to explain to *anyone*, not necessarily their S.O., about The Life.

My advice: Decide what degree of disclosure you and your partner want to handle together (some partners don’t want to know, or don’t want to know details; others want to get as much detail as possible so they won’t make stuff up). Give your partner the gist of your history and get a sense of their questions. Sometimes we’re talking about not one conversation, but several. And if anything about your sexual past (or present), including sex work, puts a current partner at risk of sexually transmitted diseases, you really ethically must be frank about it. Be prepared for questions about how much you did/didn’t enjoy the work, money, safer sex, and expressions of jealousy or discomfort — AND fascinated questions and wonders about whether your sweetheart might be cut out for this too. (These discussions can really go either way).

Other really good books that might make a difference are Whores and Other Feminists (Nagle), Tricks and Treats (about clients) (Sycamore), Turning Pro (Meretrix), Women of the Light (Stubbs) and Sex Work (Delacoste and Alexander). All of them help express how diverse sex work can be, and that’s a big point you’ll need to make to dispel questions grounded mostly in the information we get about sex work from pop culture. If your partner can’t hear YOUR experience because s/he’s too obsessed with Pretty Woman or the HBO ‘ho show or any other representation, it’s a problem, just as it would be if you couldn’t hear legitimate questions and concerns back from them.

If your darling wants to do nothing but come back and bug you about your experience (or fantasize about how hot it must have been), remember you DO get to have some boundaries; you do not own someone constant rehashing — and it might be a bad sign about the direction your relationship will ultimately take. Use your intuition re: whether your partner is genuinely grappling with issues and wants to get to a place of comfort with you. If you see a therapist together, choose someone with some knowledge about sex work.

Tweet! CQ

Related Products:

Working Sex
9 1/2 Years Behind the Green Door

Thank you!

Sadie

p.s. I am open to hearing suggestions for the title, I have a long list of possibilities, but none that I’m totally in love with yet.

Whore Lover: Lovers and Partners of Sex Workers Speak
An anthology of non-fiction essays written by the non-paying partners (queer-trans-straight) of sex workers about their experiences and feelings regarding their unique position in the marketplace of love.
From casual dates, to long term relationships, to going down in flames, Whore Lover will explore the personal narratives of people attracted, intimate and in love with those who work in the sex industry.  Present and former lovers and partners of sex workers are encouraged to submit. Whore Lover is looking to represent the stories of a multiplicity of people: people of color, trans, queer, gay, straight, of all ages. Partners in all areas of the sex industry will be featured.

Topics of interest include but are not limited to:
*Day to day negotiations
*My partner and I turned each other out
* I was a trick and then became a lover
*Loving a Sex Work Celebrity
*My partner’s job turns me on
* My partner’s work inspired me to be a sex work client
* I’m a sex worker and I only date other sex workers
*How I deal with family and friends around my partner’s work
*How I’ve dealt (or not) with my own ego around my partner’s sex work
*My partner switched jobs within the industry and how that worked for us
* My partner’s sex work is a secret from everyone (including me?)
*I broke up with my partner because of sex work

People who have dated/loved/married all variety of sex workers including but not limited to: porn actors, strippers, FBSM/sensual massage providers, street-based workers, tantra providers, erotic body workers, sexual surrogates, escorts, fetish workers, phone-sex workers, pro-Dominants and pro-submissives,  are welcome to submit.

A limited number of interviews are possible to those who are interested in having their voices heard but  feel more comfortable talking than writing. First-time writers definitely welcome. No poetry, please.
Pseudonyms or anonymous submissions are fine and will be honored.
Pieces should be between 1000-7000 words.

Please submit via email attachment (pdf or doc file) to: partnersanthology@gmail.com

The fact is, feminism is a lot more diverse than the media makes out (isn’t everything?), and I just got a graphic reminder of this thanks to a visit to the National Organization for Women’s annual conference. I went as part of a group of sex-positive women whose agenda was to request that NOW reaffirm its years-old resolutions to decriminalize prostitution. Bet you didn’t know NOW had ever passed such resolutions. But it did, in 1973 and again in 1980, partly thanks to consciousness-raising and lobbying by strong feminist women like Margo St. James, founder of the sex workers’ rights group COYOTE, and Priscilla Alexander, who co-edited the classic book Sex Work. Now a new generation of activists are walking in their footsteps.

Mainstream feminists are confused by the sex work question, there’s no doubt about that, and much of the accepted rhetoric is sex-negative and doesn’t recognize the very different ways sex work manifests itself in this and other cultures. Arguing that the experiences of a drug-addicted hooker on the street and a college-educated outcall worker are the same really stretches credulity.

But I encountered more support at NOW than I expected to find, and that reminded me that we do a real disservice to ourselves when we let the media and special-interest feminists convince us that feminists all believe the same things about such volatile sexual issues. Many women who embrace the label “feminist” agree with us at Good Vibrations that sex can be a source of empowered pleasure for women and men of all sexual orientations, as long as it’s consensual. We think the things that stand in the way of that kind of universal sexual empowerment have a lot to do with the fear and ignorance about sex that traditional morality inculcates in people.

After all, one barrier to women’s full equality has been the sexual double standard, enforced by limiting young womens’ access to sex information and safe ways to explore their own sexuality. This almost guarantees that many women’s first sexual experiences will be difficult or frightening. Yet there hasn’t been a major outcry within feminism to demand high-quality sex education to all youth, except among the sex-positive branch of the movement.

Feminism is about women having access to opportunity and removing barriers that stand in the way of success, growth, and equality, whether those barriers are legal, material, or psychological. It’s not about spurning sexual pleasure, only about recognizing that this pleasure will take different forms for different women. Removing the barriers that stand in the way of sexual pleasure and comfort for women won’t end all unequal treatment — but it’s senseless to ignore the very real part sexual empowerment can play in the way a woman feels about herself.

That’s the kind of feminist work we do at Good Vibrations, and it’s a source of pride to us every time we hear a woman has had her first orgasm or learned to communicate successfully with a partner. Those are significant moments in her life, but that’s not all. They’re also building blocks for all of us who believe that access to sexual pleasure is a woman’s right and a sign of a healthy culture.