And in an election to choose the most powerful person in the world, a campaign involving a shaky economy, two wars, terrorism, and China, it is interesting that an oft-quoted remark about what someone thinks of a candidate is, “I don’t know, I just don’t like her.”

Continuing with this paradigm it is curious to wonder what kind of lovers our candidates are promising to be.

With John McCain we are cast in the role of children to his loving grandparent. He is promising no touching at all. He has come to hold us in the middle of a dark night and rock us back to sleep. He’s old and wise and he’s seen it all before, and much worse at that.

Mitt Romney gives off the asexual freakishness of puritan America. With him we are cast in the role of sexual penitents, apologetic for our desires. Of course, the Republicans have never been the party of sex appeal.

Which brings us to Hillary and Barack.

What is most evident about Hillary is how bad she wants us. Hillary goes to sleep at night aching for the American people. It’s a big, destructive passion. One that drives her to take down anyone that comes near us. Can’t you see Hillary standing outside your house in the rain; sorry she has transgressed, but not doubting for a moment that you belong to her.

There’s something sexy about being wanted like that, perhaps not healthy, but how often do those two go together anyway. Hillary Clinton is like Stanley Kowalski. She’s kneeling at the bottom of the stairs in the rain, torn shirt, screaming our name in a desperate plea. Hillary doesn’t know what to do without us, the American people. This kind of drive, this kind of passion, is something we like when it is found in a man. It launched Marlon Brando to super stardom, men everywhere seeking to emulate his fire and women going soft at the sound of his cry.

But we don’t know what to do when a woman is exhibiting this desire, this fire. Stanley Kowalski knew we liked a little throw down, that we liked it when all the colored lights are going. Stella swooned.

Hillary has turned the tables. Hillary wants to throw America down and ride us hard. There are a lot of people who are uncomfortable with that, just as they’d be uncomfortable with Stella kneeling at the bottom of the stairs in the rain screaming Stanley.

People don’t like Hillary’s ambition. They don’t like that she desires so openly, they find it uncouth, a turn-off. But she is running for President. Is she supposed to walk into that gladiator’s arena smelling like rose water with white lace gloves and draw no blood? It is the fight we demand, and yet we condemn her for it. We are all as Blanche DuBois, needing Stanley’s help but looking down our noses at his crass behavior. Do we really want to rely on the kindness of strangers?

Judging from the success of Barack Obama’s campaign the answer seems to be yes. Barack is promising to make us feel good. He has realized that it is not about the economy, or the wars, but about how American’s feel about themselves. Bush has left us feeling a bit down. Barack is promising us a brighter future.

Just how things are going to get brighter is a little murky. But when your coming out of a bad relationship the way the American people are you just want someone who will make you feel good. You want someone to tell you there is hope. You want someone who will promise away the darkness. And along comes Barack Obama.

He is the lover who has found us weeping in the corner. He puts his arm around us and asks us to tell him all about it. His hand caresses our shoulder. He places delicate kisses along our neck. He tells us he understands.

We’re vulnerable. We don’t know anything about him. But we don’t really want to. We want to fill in all those empty spaces with what we hope he might be, with what we need him to be right now. And he’s happy to let us.

He lets his lips linger upon our cheek until we actually turn to kiss him. He takes us home and he gives some long, slow loving.

That’s nice. We can get our heads around that. It’s especially nice after being tied up and ball-gagged for the past eight years.

Barack is kind of like Brad Pitt’s character in Thelma and Louise. A silk tongue, making us feel good, getting us off for the first time, but what’s he really here for?

The question to ask ourselves when voting is is whom do we want to wake up with the next morning with?

Hillary is going to ravage us, pound down hard on us, leave us gasping. When we awaken we are going to realize that we really do have a woman in charge, and she’s acting like Stanley Kowalski.

Barack is going to be charming, lovely, let us finish first. When we awaken we are going to realize we have no idea who this man is. But if he’s managed to survive the gladiator’s arena of the presidential election he’s got to have some blood on him.

So who are you voting for? I guess it depends on whom you want to wake up with.

In an effort to soften her image Hillary Clinton would take on the role of submissive. On her knees, eyes up to the camera, leather collar around her neck, hand on the back of her head, Hillary would court votes with a pleasant smile across her cum drenched lips. This is kind of what the nation is asking of her, isn’t it? How else does a woman become “likeable” in this country?

Barack Obama’s campaign site would definitely be in the style of “Her First Big Cock”. Barack kneels on an overstuffed couch, his member pointing out from him, a girl with wide eyes feels its heft in her hand. With his amorphous message of hope and change he is offering nothing less than a Reagan style full-country orgasm. And he’s the man to do it, what with that package he promises you he’s carrying.

Dennis Kucinich would have a Tantric sex site.

John Edwards and his populist message would translate into “Factory Licks”. The pretty boy would go around to women who lost their factory jobs and offer them $500 and a little cunnilingus, a true man of the people.

Mitt Romney, a Mormon, would have a seemingly regular political site but there would be a secret link. When you clicked on the link you’d be taken to a page where little girls in see-through white dresses offer sinful things.

Mike Huckabee’s site, like any good Evangelical, would consist of a loop of him being castigated for masturbating.

Rudy Giuliani’s site would consist of women voicing their fear about 9/11. Rudy would then make his entrance and seduce them with the promise that if it ever happened again he’d be sure to capitalize on it. Then he’d bend them over the scale size model of the Twin Towers on his set.

All of this is fun but silly conjecture. Yet sex does play an interesting roll in our electoral process. Certainly there is the fuckability factor. I have heard more than one woman sing Obama’s praises for reasons beyond his policies. And I have heard more than one man spout venom towards Hillary for reasons beyond her policies.

Can you imagine the difference if Hillary was actually pretty? We know babies look at symmetrical, pretty faces longer. We know people trust pretty people more. We know people have gut reactions within moments of seeing someone. Is Hillary fighting a genetic battle for the Presidency? Would her campaign be easier if we liked looking at her more? Would her campaign be easier if more of us wanted to fuck her?

What if Barack were five shades darker? What if he weren’t so long and lean but was hunched and stocky? What if his nose were flat and wide? Would he be such a contender looking more like Nat Turner than a tan JFK?

What if Rudy Giuliani didn’t hunch his shoulders, talk with a lisp, and generally look like he’d spent the past thirty years in a bunker with Adolph Hitler? Well, there’s that and the fact that he used to be married to his cousin. While the incest vote is huge in Utah it doesn’t play so well in the rest of the country.

If Mitt Romney were sixty pounds overweight would he be in the race or would he simply be known as the fat Mormon?

Would Dennis Kucinich be such an afterthought if he were 6′2”, broad shouldered with the square jaw of a comic book hero? Would a tall, strong WASP preaching peace have more sway than a small Polish elf?

Ah, but there’s the nature/nurture rub. Tall, strong WASP’s never seem to preach peace. They never seem to wind up on the backbench at all. That roll always goes to people that look like Ralph Nader or Michael Moore, or… Dennis Kucinich.

Because anatomy truly is destiny and alternative looking people tend to take on alternative views and status quo looking people tend to uphold the status quo. Ever been to a Green Party rally?

Occasionally things get confused. John Kerry has the perfect look of a Green Party candidate but insists on being a status quo guy. He defied his destiny for a while before it caught up with him 2004. Voters simply did not want to have to keep looking at him for four years.

What this country and the world needs is a super-hot white guy with a pretty, pretty wife who has very liberal views, wide name recognition, and a pull with families. The person we need to run for president is Johnny Depp.