In an effort to soften her image Hillary Clinton would take on the role of submissive. On her knees, eyes up to the camera, leather collar around her neck, hand on the back of her head, Hillary would court votes with a pleasant smile across her cum drenched lips. This is kind of what the nation is asking of her, isn’t it? How else does a woman become “likeable” in this country?

Barack Obama’s campaign site would definitely be in the style of “Her First Big Cock”. Barack kneels on an overstuffed couch, his member pointing out from him, a girl with wide eyes feels its heft in her hand. With his amorphous message of hope and change he is offering nothing less than a Reagan style full-country orgasm. And he’s the man to do it, what with that package he promises you he’s carrying.

Dennis Kucinich would have a Tantric sex site.

John Edwards and his populist message would translate into “Factory Licks”. The pretty boy would go around to women who lost their factory jobs and offer them $500 and a little cunnilingus, a true man of the people.

Mitt Romney, a Mormon, would have a seemingly regular political site but there would be a secret link. When you clicked on the link you’d be taken to a page where little girls in see-through white dresses offer sinful things.

Mike Huckabee’s site, like any good Evangelical, would consist of a loop of him being castigated for masturbating.

Rudy Giuliani’s site would consist of women voicing their fear about 9/11. Rudy would then make his entrance and seduce them with the promise that if it ever happened again he’d be sure to capitalize on it. Then he’d bend them over the scale size model of the Twin Towers on his set.

All of this is fun but silly conjecture. Yet sex does play an interesting roll in our electoral process. Certainly there is the fuckability factor. I have heard more than one woman sing Obama’s praises for reasons beyond his policies. And I have heard more than one man spout venom towards Hillary for reasons beyond her policies.

Can you imagine the difference if Hillary was actually pretty? We know babies look at symmetrical, pretty faces longer. We know people trust pretty people more. We know people have gut reactions within moments of seeing someone. Is Hillary fighting a genetic battle for the Presidency? Would her campaign be easier if we liked looking at her more? Would her campaign be easier if more of us wanted to fuck her?

What if Barack were five shades darker? What if he weren’t so long and lean but was hunched and stocky? What if his nose were flat and wide? Would he be such a contender looking more like Nat Turner than a tan JFK?

What if Rudy Giuliani didn’t hunch his shoulders, talk with a lisp, and generally look like he’d spent the past thirty years in a bunker with Adolph Hitler? Well, there’s that and the fact that he used to be married to his cousin. While the incest vote is huge in Utah it doesn’t play so well in the rest of the country.

If Mitt Romney were sixty pounds overweight would he be in the race or would he simply be known as the fat Mormon?

Would Dennis Kucinich be such an afterthought if he were 6′2”, broad shouldered with the square jaw of a comic book hero? Would a tall, strong WASP preaching peace have more sway than a small Polish elf?

Ah, but there’s the nature/nurture rub. Tall, strong WASP’s never seem to preach peace. They never seem to wind up on the backbench at all. That roll always goes to people that look like Ralph Nader or Michael Moore, or… Dennis Kucinich.

Because anatomy truly is destiny and alternative looking people tend to take on alternative views and status quo looking people tend to uphold the status quo. Ever been to a Green Party rally?

Occasionally things get confused. John Kerry has the perfect look of a Green Party candidate but insists on being a status quo guy. He defied his destiny for a while before it caught up with him 2004. Voters simply did not want to have to keep looking at him for four years.

What this country and the world needs is a super-hot white guy with a pretty, pretty wife who has very liberal views, wide name recognition, and a pull with families. The person we need to run for president is Johnny Depp.