What led you to become a Sex Educator?

I interned for an amazing organization, Health Initiatives for Youth and had a chance to really see the power of sex education and the impacts it has on developing into a healthy adult. It was amazing to finally connect health education to community activism and youth development. The reason I’ve stayed is because the job is interesting. There’s so much science and psychology involved that it always keeps you on your toes.

Where did you get your education?

I was trained by Health Initiatives For Youth (their provider trainings) and Good Vibrations.

What is your most common question?

What is intersex? The acronym we use at work to describe the queer community is LGBTQIQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Queer, Intersex, and Questioning). Everyone is pretty familiar with the rest of the letters but always ask about intersex. I also bring it up when discussing physiology. I introduce anatomy discussions as “male” and “female” in terms of what we consider to be “traditional” genitalia. But as we all know we all lie somewhere on a spectrum of genders. It’s important to normalize intersex discussions because statistically we probably have folks in our audiences that identify with this. It’s important to educate and model respect to this community.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

A cheesy one (that I’ve taken from my partner, another sex educator) is condoms and lube. Why, because they’re simple, they’re versatile, and safe sex is fun sex!

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

I feel more nosey when I talk to my friends and family. I just want to make sure they’re all taking care of themselves. For the most part, everyone isn’t quite as sex positive as I am, but I like to challenge them take care of themselves even if it’s lightening up about sex a little bit or taking my “care packages” no questions asked about whether they ever use the toys or not.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

Communication is always the most important part of any relationship or sexual experience. If you leave it up to chance you’re probably not going to get what you want. Talking with your partner helps to clarify and connect and it helps you to keep yourself safe. Talking can also be part of the foreplay- it doesn’t have to be stressful. It just takes practice.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That anal sex is just for gay men. I’m always so disturbed that this homophobic misconception continues to prevent straight men from exploring anal sex in a safe and consensual way. I love to address anal sex when it comes up in a workshop (usually as a shock question) with calm and non-judgment and to explain about the prostate and why it’s actually recommended to prevent prostate cancer in older men . . . It makes me feel like I’m making a stand for positive sexuality every time.

Which is your favorite project that you’ve worked on?

I had the amazing opportunity to train a group of psychiatrists that were working to get their licenses. I felt like that was probably the most important thing I could’ve ever done. To have a hand in the training of folks who are going to be taking care of people’s mental health.

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Try everything and figure out what you like. Find out what toys, what types of sex, with whom and find a way to enjoy sex by yourself as well as with others. Your sex life is your own- taking care of it is taking care of yourself.

Where can people find out more about you?

www.hify.org and find me on facebook!

Do you realize that in some states, Oral Sex is illegal and if two people are having fun with this activity, they are sexual revolutionaries, pursuing their own happiness at the risk of going to jail.

We had a blog entry from Dr. Lynn Comella, Sex Panic in Pawtucket reporting on sex educator, Megan Andelloux, who was opening up a center for sexual health and education and the police wanted to shut it down because it was a “sex center”. They approached it from the same alert as if a sex offender was opening up a day care center.

There are still the controversies of Gay marriage, birth control, teaching high school students about sex. Many parents believe the only way to teach kids their about sex is to tell them it is a sin and only practice abstinence. And yet there are still young kids getting pregnant or getting STDs. So we as sex educators are also revolutionaries. Speaking up, educating the public so we can move forward and state the facts about one of the most important birthrights we have-our sexuality.

We should come up with a new Sexual Bill of Rights and introduce it to members of the congress (you can rest assured that even though they aren’t copping to it, they are doing it anyway)! It is our civil liberties and our right as an American to pursue life, liberty and sexual pleasure.

So here is my new proclamation for the new Sexual Bill of Rights:

1. We the people have the right to pursue and to claim our right to love and marry who ever we fall in love with not matter what gender we are—as long as we are consenting adults. (This first bill of right would pay up the country’s deficit and have enough money to give everyone all health insurance and pay our teachers the income they deserve.)
2. All Americans have the right to bear Arms or any other part of the body, that is mutually beneficial to all the American people and shall not be infringed or regulated by the government or the church because this is our right to pursue happiness in what form feels good to us.
3. No American, regardless of gender shall, be imprisoned in a body that is not who they identify with and should be allowed to express themselves in a manner that is for the betterment and well being of the individual, without the risk of prosecution or alienation of the law or other clueless individuals.
4. We have the right to scream, shout, yell and otherwise use our freedom of speech to talk openly about who we are as long as we are respectful to each other.
5. Any American who serves as sex educator has the right to teach others how to enjoy our natural birthright to our sexuality and also to teach others how to practice safe sex-without risk of persecution from the state or church or being treated as criminals.
6. It is a duty of responsible parents to teach children the truth about sex at the appropriate age and allow them to ask questions about birth control and their bodies so they make good decisions and allow our schools to teach our kids to respect for our fellow human beings no matter what sexual orientation we are.
7. All Americans have the right to charge for their sexual services, whether it is as a sex educator, sexual therapist or a dominatrix, it should be legal as long as it is consensual for all parties. (The taxes the government would be collecting would be yet another avenue to get our country out of debt-talk about a stimulus bill!)
8. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, and be able to watch adult movies and read erotica in any state without the government censoring what we watch or read unless it is harmful to another person without their consent.
9. No person shall be rejected or harassed because of their sexual orientation who wishes to serve in the military or law enforcement. It is our rights as American citizens to serve and protect our country.
10. We as Americans have the right to make a choice with our bodies if there is an unwanted pregnancy and should have our civil rights protected without risk of harm or ridicule.

I have always felt passionate about providing sexuality information to my peers, but I didn’t realize that I could pursue sex education as a career until college. As a teenager, I recognized that providing sexual health information was something I was meant to do because I could remember details about sexuality that I could not about, say, U.S. History. The sexuality classes I took in college were always the highlights of my semester. I always felt enthusiastic about learning about sexuality and I never had the thought, “When will I use this information in real life?”

How did you start giving sex advice?

I’ve been answering sex and reproductive health questions for as long as I can remember being aware of sexuality. When I was much younger, I found myself answering my friends’ questions about their periods. Later in high school and in college, I answered peers’ questions about condom use and masturbation.

Where did you get your education?

My mom wanted me to have a very different experience of sex education than she had. She always answered my questions honestly – I don’t remember ever being told, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” As a result, I felt more comfortable asking questions and I got more accurate answers than my friends did. Since I had this information and so many of my peers did not, I became a resource for sexual health information.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

When I give people sex information, I feel like I am giving them choice in their lives. For too many people, the desire for sexual knowledge far exceeds the opportunity to obtain it, limiting their options. For me, the joy comes from creating a safe space to have someone’s questions answered, and from facilitating learning that directly benefits others’ well-being.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

I’ve learned how much of having a healthy, enjoyable sex life comes from conversations that take place outside the bedroom. Sex education often touts the importance of communication in a satisfying sex life, but rarely does it teach specific skills, such as setting boundaries, determining one’s intentions, and communicating feelings and needs. Since I wanted to learn more about healthy and effective communication, I took several trainings in Non-Violent Communication, which has been hugely helpful in my personal life and in teaching others the skills to communicate about sexuality.

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

There are so many ways! I’m particularly grateful for the diversity of communities that Good Vibrations serves, which has allowed me to reach more audiences. Additionally, I love being part of a community of sex educators. It is a relatively small field, and I find it invaluable to be able to share the challenges and triumphs of the work with others who share my passion.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

Being clear about why you want to be a sex educator. Being passionate is a natural side effect of that awareness, and passion makes your message more salient and engaging to your audiences.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

I’ve learned the importance of balance in the pursuit of healthy, satisfying sexuality. I find it’s useful to have a sense of humor about sexuality paired with the “seriousness” of making good sex a priority.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

Often people think that good sex is instinctual, that you are either “a good lover” or not. In reality, it is a learned skill. The desire to have sex may be instinctual, but the truly remarkable, deeply satisfying stuff comes with knowledge and practice.

Where can people find out more about you?

www.katemccombs.com

The Wau Wau sisters put a couple dildos to great use at the Wet n’ Wacky pool games, which were aptly named.  They brought the house down last night at the “last supper”, and there’s nothing wrong with two hot women pouring red wine over each other’s naked bodies standing inside a giant bucket.  (Sorry, no pic)

Tonight is the Halloween party and one lucky winner walks with a GV gift bag.  Brang it, ladies!

Heh.

Former inhabitants of Ms Ryndam, aka "Olivia's ship"

I even ran into one of them on the stairs when I was looking for the medical office on the bottom floor.  I asked what he was doing, and he said going to the bathroom.  Because none of the other loos on the other 11 floors are available to him.  He was staff, so he had to go below.  What do they do with a men’s room on a lesbian cruise, you ask?  A fine question.  This sleuth discovered it this morning:

A urinal aboard the Olivia cruise

As I was exploring the fine country of Guatamala, I discovered another clue to a male existence: a chilled, carbonated beverage whose label suggested that it had not been designed by an army of Amazons.  No, there were no ironic cats or orchids advertising its contents.  Rather, it was a somewhat more mundane image that looked regal nonetheless but not exactly queenly:

This energy drink was clearly not marketed for women

I thought better of trying it, and instead sipped some chamomile tea and considered the many mysteries surrounding me.  And so my explorations of these fine lands, fine women, and the fascinating shadows of the silent sex continue.  Who knows, they may even be on their own cruise!  Do you think they need a Good Vibrations party?  Me thinks perhaps…

I kinda fell into it. I had just found my way into Montreal’s queer community, and had signed up as a volunteer with Gay Line. They provided a 30-hour training session for new listeners, but their focus was largely on gay and lesbian concerns, and I found myself frequently speaking up about how things might look different for bisexual and queer people. The facilitator asked if I’d be willing to put together a lecture on the topic for the next volunteer training session, and things snowballed from there.

How did you start giving sex advice?

It started when I was a young teen, and I actually took the time to research things like safer sex, contraception and pleasure—despite the active and very vocal disapproval of my parents—because I didn’t want to end up a statistic. Needless to say, teens like to talk about sex, but not all of them spent time hunting down books and pamphlets on the topic, so I wound up being more knowledgeable than my peers.

Where did you get your education?

Building on that teenage drive to understand how it all worked, I took courses in feminism and sexuality at John Abbott College (Montreal, DEC 1997), and minored in women’s studies at Concordia University (Montreal, BA 2001). After graduation I went back to do an independent minor in interdisciplinary sexuality studies (finished in 2006), and now I’m pursuing a master’s degree in the same vein (York University, Toronto). That’s the theory part at least. But really, my nitty-gritty education in the realm of sex comes from twenty years of very active sexual adventuring in my personal life, ten years of in-depth participation in the queer and leather/kink communities, voracious non-academic reading about all things sexual, and taking hundreds of workshops and seeing countless films.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

I believe the very fact of talking (or writing) about sex in an up-front manner, with no sense of shame or disgust, can help people to heal their broken relationships with their bodies and with their own right to pleasure and health. Yes, accurate and sensitive information is important at a very basic level, but ultimately sex education is a political act for me, particularly since I do most of my work around questions of alternative sexual practices (BDSM, fisting, anal sex) and relationships (non-monogamy, dominant/submissive dynamics, etc.).

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

It always kills me when submissive-identified people describe a terrible situation they’re experiencing with an abusive (or just plain inconsiderate) dominant, and then turn to me to ask what they can do to make it better. Don’t get me wrong—abuse is not rampant among kinky people, or at least, no more so than anywhere else. But it does happen, and the people on the receiving end of it are typically twisted in knots trying to fix things when all they can really do to make it stop is leave, and heal. But I can’t step in there and play the hero, they have to do it themselves. And for the person in question to do so represents the beginning of a long journey to self-respect, which is a lot of work at the best of times and made all the more complicated by the mainstream rejection of kinky sexual proclivities.

What is your favorite sex toy?

My right hand. Seriously. Works on me, works on other people, easily converts from impact play instrument to penetration toy, and gives a helluva back scratch too. Not to mention writing love notes and dialing the phone. Versatile and cheap!

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That it’s supposed to be perfect the first time you do it with a new partner. Um, no. It doesn’t work that way. Sure, the lust is running high, but you don’t know a damn thing about each other’s bodies and preferences yet. So first time’s nice, but the second time’s great, and the third time’s the one to really look forward to. And if all that goes well, then you have many more good nights ahead.

What projects are you working on now?

A master’s degree. It’s eating my brain, and most of my non-existent spare time too. Other than that, I’m working on turning my “10 Rules for Happy Non-Monogamy” into a zine, co-organizing Canada’s annual leatherdyke gathering An Unholy Harvest (www.unholyharvest.ca), running the Leather Bindings Society (a book club for sadomasochists) and writing as much as I can for various queer publications. Oh, and I just added four new workshops to my roster. Good times!

Where can people find out more about you?

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com is the place to go. I blog regularly and post links to my other writing, as well as a constantly updated list of workshops and talks. Come say hello!

Pretty in Pink: Carol Queen at the Pajama Party

It was also fun to see the plethora of pajamas out here, from lingerie to boxer shorts, and my AC/DC shirt (which really is my pajamas) came out and I ended up meeting a lovely woman who’s uncle is Brian Johnson.  What can I tell ya, Olivia is rockin’.  I had to sneak away with my massive Mary Poppins’ bag of tricks even though the party is still going strong.

We dock in Guatamala tomorrow and I’m thrilled to explore this Central American gem.  I got schooled in reggaeton and Belizean dancehall today by my illustrious tour guide who knew about beats and Mayan caves.

I was also charmed by the captain of the little boat that took us back to the ship; he had a “CAPTAIN” tattoo and seemed rather delighted to be ferrying a boat entirely stocked with women safely to their destination.  The men are few and far between out here, and tend to take on mythical import.  When you’re surrounded by a bunch of capable Amazons, it’s hard to feel any lack, but he was so rare that I had to snap a pic.  More workshops and adventures coming up, and hopefully some howler monkeys too.  All for now!

Oh captain, my captain!

She's a bad mamajamma

At Burning Man I watched Dominic and Reynaldo call men out of the street, fine, shirtless young men, and command, “Flex for us.” The men would oblige. Calling out to women, “Show us your tits,” never works quite as well.

Another gay friend of mine tells tales of his raucous orgies in high school.

High School!

With girls!

And he’s gay!

I have to say gay men seem to have much more straight sex in high school than straight men. I was never privy to such delights.

I can remember taking a liking to the one girl on Fire Island. She worked in a store in the harbor. I was a shy, retiring young boy and spent two hours in the store pretending to make up my mind about what birthday card to buy. All the while the men were checking me out, happy to take the initiative. It would have been so easy.

Alas, it was not to be. The reason is rather simple. I love women. To be even more to the point, I adore women’s bodies.

The straight lines of men, the hard of our muscles, the square of the jaw, I have no innate appreciation for them. I can look at a beautiful man and think to myself he is beautiful.

I can follow the pelvic lines with my eyes, see well-proportioned arms, overlook the dangling aesthetic absurdity of the penis, I can think about it, but I don’t feel it. Nothing stirs. It is like gazing upon a placid lake.

But show me a woman and there come the waves. I am ignited by the flow of a woman’s body. Plumb lines give way to curves, hard gives way to soft, dry becomes wet…

(If you take your time and don’t rush things and make sure there’s open communication and she’s made comfortable and there’s plenty of lead up and you don’t trust the Internet porn you grew up on as how-to videos. Your mother should have taught you this but she probably didn’t because she has her own issues so I’ll be publishing a manual shortly.)

I love to lay my head down beside a woman’s naked hip. My eyes wander her landscape, up over her hip, across the curve of her leg then down the slope to the soft crease of flesh where her thigh meets her sex. When laying back her pussy arches above a woman’s thighs like a balcony, a place for a lover to stand and beckon you. My eye lingers, imagining the folds inside, the arabesque of flesh as one writer put it. And then down again and up along the other thigh.

I’ll return my gaze along the soft belly, the part women are always trying to make hard and flat like a man. Even higher lie the breasts, laid out like pools of liquid on endowed women, standing proud with nipples high for small busted ladies.

When they’re on their stomachs I love to run my hands down the gentle slopes of their shoulders. To wrap my fingers round their smaller arms, trace the line down the center of the back to relish the ripe round retort of the ass.

There are lines like these all along the side of Mt. Tam facing the ocean. The land curves and folds and dips into itself tracing the outlines of the female form, thighs, hips and asses writ large on a mountain side. From what I have seen it is mostly women lying on their sides.

But perhaps my favorite view is when a woman is on her hands and knees before me. From here I can understand why some women say the back is their favorite part of their bodies. From here I follow the flow of a woman’s sides, curving in at the waist before suddenly flaring out at the hips.

That brilliant flow is so alluring, so erotic in its symmetry, I have been known to gaze at in silence so long women have felt compelled to pull me forward by my most sensitive part.

It is then that I place my hands in a woman’s waist and I could swear that’s what it was made for. It is my favorite landscape.

After fantasizing about pulling up alongside another cruise ship and shooting holes into their sides with canon, I made my way to the Olivia Wet n’ Wacky pool games where the Wau Wau sisters were corralling aforementioned splashing, vacationing lesbians into various relays involving large fruit and wet t-shirts.  The two teams competed fiercely, but ultimately the “G-Spots” won out over “That’s What She Said” and were rewarded with Red Hot Bullet vibes from yours truly.

I must say our overall reception has been better than could be expected.  The “ladies” have been delighted by lube samples and coupons (you can get one too if you just take the cruise!), and the soiree of singletons in the upper deck cocktail lounge this evening was a real pleasure.  Carol and I chatted with a urologist from Germany and a photographer from the West Village, and there was no shortage of interesting women to chime in with stories about Viagra and the like.  So far I have been deeply impressed by the caliber of “lady” aboard this ship, which, incidentally, is called Ms Ryndam.  She is a noble vessel, bearing only the finest lesbians (and fans!) across the Caribbean.  I, for one, am thrilled to be included.

Did I mention Von Iva performed last night, amid a howling tropical storm?  The rain blew in so fiercely that they had to close the ship’s convertible ceiling, letting us admire the flashing lightning as the trio of rock divas brought the storm inside.  It was tremendous.  And, at the risk of making you jealous, I will share that their rousing performance concluded in a topless, hipster free-for-all dive into the pool.  Who said a lesbian cruise was stuffy?  That was the best finale I’ve seen in ages.