“I keep hearing about women who can have ‘multiple orgasms’ and I can’t figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?”

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

“How can I tell if a girl likes or dislikes something we do during sex if she is not one to talk about it upfront? Is it possible to read her reactions to see what she prefers?”

If I could sell a sure-fire answer to that question, I would be able to buy my own Caribbean island! One of the most common questions that sex educators hear (other than “am I normal?”) is “how to get my partner to talk with me about this?” And unfortunately, there aren’t any really good answers.

Some people will suggest that you can pay attention to things like body movements or sounds such as moans of pleasure. And there’s a grain of truth to that: lots of people give non-verbal feedback during sex and if you pay attention to those signals, you can get a lot of useful information. But the difficulty is that different people will give different signals. For one person, it might be a particular moan, but another person might move their hips in a certain way. So while there are some generalizations, there’s really no way to predict which signals a particular person will give you.

Even when someone does offer clear signals, you’re not likely to get much useful information unless you already know how to interpret that specific person’s signs. Non-verbal communication doesn’t have a lot of bandwidth, so it’s pretty hard to interpret with any certainty. It gets even more complicated because many women have internalized messages that being too sexually expressive makes you one of “those women” and so they’ve learned to be as unresponsive as possible. On the other hand, some people will make noises or movements because they want to please a partner, not because they’re actually enjoying themselves. All of that makes it pretty hard to use non-verbal responses in a meaningful way.

If she’s shy about telling you what she likes, don’t despair! There are some good ways to get the information you’re looking for.

One easy way to do that is to do two things and ask here whether she liked A or B more. Another way is to ask her to tell you on a scale of 1-10 how much she enjoys whatever you’re doing. Either of those can make it easier to let you know what she’s feeling. Some folks also find it easier to be more verbally expressive if the lights are off.

You’ll probably find that it works better if you’re gentle about it or if you explain that you’re trying to be a sensitive lover. If you push too hard, she might retreat further, which is the opposite of what you want. There are a lot of possible reasons why she might be hesitant to be communicative, so it’s important that you give her the space to work through it on her own (with your support) instead of trying to fix her.

If she’s interested in coming out of her shell, Carol Queen’s book Exhibitionism for the Shy is a great guide. Queen talks about the many reasons that people have difficulty expressing their sexual selves and offers plenty of useful ideas for overcoming them. It’s out of print at the moment, but we expect to get it soon, so check the Good Vibrations website in a few weeks.

“Last year, I accidentally got pregnant and had an abortion. I broke up with that boyfriend a few months later and now I’m dating someone new. When we first started having sex, everything was fine, but I keep having fears that I’m going to get pregnant again. I don’t regret the abortion- it was definitely the right choice for me at the time. But what can I do to put it behind me?”

Many (but not all) women who have had abortions find that they have concerns, worries or fear afterwards. For that matter, some women experience relief, grief, sorrow, shame, or anger. Many significant others (boyfriends, husbands, family members, friends) have their own emotional responses, too.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of the groups that offer “support” for women who are considering or have had abortions use guilt, shame, and fear to convince women to not have one. Many of them also use lies to make women think that abortions are much riskier or dangerous than they actually are. On the other hand, the pro-choice movement has mostly (but not totally) been rather silent when it comes to talking about the fact that many different, and often challenging, emotions sometimes arise. My impression is that this happens out of a fear that acknowledging these experiences would give the anti-choice folks ammunition in the political struggles around abortion. Unfortunately, that leaves a lot of women and their partners without genuine support.

Even though you firmly believe that your decision was the right one for you at the time, you can still have difficult emotions come up. That’s hardly restricted to the experience of abortion- it can happen around any difficult choice we might make in any part of our lives. But it’s not hard to understand how it could affect your sex life.

In my experience, the only effective way to deal with these feelings is to move through them. Shoving them aside and ignoring them can work for a while, but they almost always come back out later. Working through how you feel can be hard, but it’s a much more useful strategy. Rather than “putting it behind you,” you might find it more useful to think of it as “working through your feelings.”

There’s an amazing organization called Exhale that I highly recommend. Exhale offers free, anonymous phone counseling around abortion. Their services are available to women who have had abortions or are thinking about it, as well as significant others of any gender (about 6% of their callers are men). Their goal is to give people a “pro-voice” space, without judging them for their feelings or decisions, and their services are available in Spanish, Cantonese, Mandarin, Vietnamese and Tagalog upon request. Plus, their web zine, Our Truths, is full of amazing stories and they have plenty of resources to offer, including websites and suggestions for helpful books. I can’t say enough good things about these folks. [Full disclosure- I offer the training for the hotline counselors on working with male callers.]

You might also consider working with a therapist. I consider therapy to be one of the more useful tools we have for emotional growth, as long as you feel safe and the therapist is genuinely focused on your needs, rather than their own beliefs or ideas. You can call Exhale for a recommendation, if you would find that helpful.

It’s also probably a good idea to talk about it with your current boyfriend, if you haven’t yet. Not only would that give him the opportunity to support you, but the two of you could also come up with ways to feel intimate or have sex that feel safe to you. For example, the two of you could decide to have sex in ways that can’t result in pregnancy, like sexual massage or oral sex. Plus, if he’s worrying that he’s doing something wrong or that you’re not attracted to him, telling him about your concerns could reassure him and help the two of you stay connected.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the support you seek and I wish you all the best.

“I contracted genital herpes in my last relationship. I now feel like I am cursed to never be in a sexual relationship again. How do I tell new partners that I have herpes? If thanks to my prescription I haven’t had an outbreak in a really long time, do I have to tell?”

There’s a lot of stigma attached to sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and it’s always seemed so strange to me. After all, lots of people who don’t think twice about spreading the flu or other illnesses often freak out about STIs. (FYI, sex experts started calling them “sexually transmitted infections” rather than “sexually transmitted diseases” because you can have an infection without ever having a disease, especially if your immune system is strong.)

Part of that STI reaction comes from our legacy of sex-negativity. For centuries, STIs were seen as divine retribution against sex. But these days, we know that they’re caused by bacteria and viruses, just like colds, measles, and such. So I think it’s important to remember that herpes is just a virus. That’s all it is- it doesn’t mean anything about you, any more than chicken pox does.

The herpes viruses (there’s more than one version) set up house in the nervous system. When your body is stressed, such as when you’re sick, tired, or such, the virus takes advantage of the opportunity and you get an outbreak. But even before the outbreak, the virus is present on the surface of the skin and can be transmitted to someone else. That’s called viral shedding.

Herpes medications make outbreaks less likely and they reduce the amount of viral shedding, but they don’t give you a 100% guarantee. So even if you never have another outbreak, it’s still possible to transmit it to someone else.

You sound pretty sure that you got herpes from your last partner. But for other folks, it’s worth knowing that lots of people have the virus and have never had an outbreak. In fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control, one in four women and one in eight men in the US have genital herpes. We often blame our most recent partners when we discover that we have an STI, but that’s not always where we got it. Some STIs can be in our bodies for years without any symptoms, especially for men, so rather than blaming and shaming someone, I think it’s more helpful to think about how to move forward.

So with that in mind, let’s get back to your question. First, you are definitely not “cursed to never be in a sexual relationship again.” It’s true that some people will have concerns or fears that will get in the way. And there are also lots of people who understand how herpes works and how to have safer sex. So while it’s a bit more complicated for you, it’s nowhere near as hard as it feels right now.

As far as whether you have to tell someone, that’s an ethical question and I can’t tell you what your decision should be. But I suggest that you think about how you’ll feel if you don’t tell someone and they end up getting the virus from you. In my experience, the sense of hurt and betrayal that comes from discovering that important information was withheld is a lot bigger than the worry that comes from telling someone something that they feel uncomfortable with. My personal belief is that a healthy sexual relationship depends on informed consent and that can only exist when someone has full information.

Assuming that you decide to tell potential partners, there are a few different elements to consider: when to tell someone, what to tell them, and how to tell it. I’ll take each of these separately.

When to tell someone: I think this works best before things get too far along. When we’re turned on, we sometimes let our boundaries slip and make decisions that we later regret. You’ll likely be better off if you let a potential partner know about your situation before things have gotten past the point of being able to make a good decision. On the other hand, it’s also not really necessary to tell someone before you’re even sure that you want to have sex with them. So somewhere in the middle is probably the best time. Perhaps after a first kiss, so you at least know that there’s some chemistry, and before clothes come off.

Every situation is unique, so I can’t be more specific than that. But I can say that if someone is going to have a negative reaction, it’ll probably be a lot bigger if you tell them after you have sex with them and it’ll almost definitely be much bigger if they find out by having an outbreak. That’s the sort of thing that can lead to a break-up.

What to tell them: It can be as simple as “I have herpes. I take medication and I haven’t had an outbreak since…” Or it can be more detailed, depending on how much you know and how much you want to share. You can get lots of great info at www.herpes.com or check out the books Managing Herpes or The Good News About Bad News: Herpes. (I’ve read and was impressed by the first book. I haven’t read the second one, but it looks good.)

You could also tell them where you have had outbreaks since those are the places that the virus would be most likely to spread from. That can help you strategize around safer sex. One of the hassles of herpes is that condoms don’t always cover all of the places that it can show up, so here are some other tips.

If you’re going to receive oral sex, you can use a dental dam. Dams come in latex and non-latex versions. If you’ve never used dental dams before, page 12 of this guide tells you all about them, along with lots of other great safer sex info.

The Female Condom covers more of the vulva, giving you some extra protection. The manufacturer is currently producing the FC2, which will be less expensive and feel somewhat better, so I expect them to be available soon.

Gloves can also help reduce the risk of transmission and they’re really easy to use. They can take a little practice, but a lot of people find that once they’re used to them, gloves can be kind of sexy. Plus, they make clean-up a snap: pick up used condoms or other trash in the gloved hand, take it off inside out, and toss it in the trash!

How to tell them: I find that the best way to do it is to be upfront about it and not let embarrassment or shame creep in. The calmer you are and the more direct you are, the easier it’ll be for a potential partner to hear. If you’re nervous about it, that’ll send a message that this is something to be anxious about. If you have a friend or two that you can tell about having herpes, it’ll give you a chance to practice saying it without the pressure of worrying if it will complicate things.

Think about how you might tell someone you’re going to have dinner with that you’re vegetarian or that you’re allergic to seafood. It’s important information that you’re sharing in order to find a solution. Try to tell a potential sexual partner about this in the same way.

Herpes is definitely not the end of your sex life. It’s simply something to take into consideration. It might take a little practice to figure out when, what, and how to tell someone, but plenty of other people have found ways to do it and you can, too.

Question: Hello. I am twenty years old and unfortunately suffer from sexual dysfunction. Before seeing your blog on Good Vibration’s website I had no idea this was an issue with other woman. I was wondering if you knew where I can find help, any kind of help with this issue. I didn’t know there were people who studied this or that I could talk to. So if you can, please help me out. Thank you so much.

Dr. Carol Queen: You saw my reference to pharmaceuticals that are supposed to assist women with sexual issues. First, though: it is really pretty common for young women to have sexual issues that might be called “dysfunctions.” Keep in mind that it is only a dysfunction if you are unhappy about it. If you have low libido, or have a hard time getting aroused, and you don’t have or want much sex and don’t feel troubled by this, it is simply the way you are, not a dysfunction. If, however, you are concerned about it, then that language might be appropriate. Now let me get back to why I said it’s common for *young* women, in particular. There are two big reasons. The first is that younger women have had less sexual experience, on the whole, than many older women, so have had less time to settle into their own unique sexual preferences — when I use that term here, I don’t mean it as synonymous with “sexual orientation,” but rather to describe a person’s sexual individuality: what kind of sex you like best, how long it takes to get turned on, how long you like it to last, what you fantasize about, *everything* that might make a difference to your experience. The more times you have sex, the more you come to learn those kinds of things about yourself. Even less-than-pleasurable sexual experiences give you at least one thing — they give you knowledge about what you *don’t* like.

The other reason: Younger women (and the younger men they may be having sex with) have often had terrible sex education. School-based sex ed does not give people the information they need to have sex, certainly not *pleasurable* sex. At least when you take driver ed, it’s assumed you’re going to have a chance to drive a car before the end of the semester! Many young people go on to college and take sex ed classes that give more useful detail about actual sexual functioning. When you’re over 18 you can take classes, read books to help you learn more (check out The Guide to Getting It On, or the wonderful book I Love Female Orgasm by Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot), and access explicit information on the Internet. Too many people can’t tell the difference between explicit information and porn — porn, while sometimes useful, also tends to present incorrect or at least incomplete information about many elements of sex, so it’s of limited usefulness as basic sex ed. And it’s not designed to be used for that — it’s designed to entertain and turn people on.

In short, unless you have really gone on a hunt to get good information, the schools and the culture have not made sure you learned enough about sex to have *good* sex. And this does not make YOU dysfunctional — if anything, it means our society is dysfunctional! People are not born being good at sex. We *learn* that, just as we learn everything else. And we live in a society which does not want people under 18 to have access to information about how to have sex. Having said that, now that you’re over 18, it’s up to you to add to the information you have. Check out those books, classes at Good Vibrations and the Center for Sex & Culture, and gather useful knowledge in other ways that appeal to you.

So far I haven’t really said anything about sexual dysfunction itself; I’ll do that now. It’s possible that in spite of what I said above, you *do* have some sort of sexual dysfunction, but it’s likely that it is something that can be helped via knowledge. It’s not as likely that you need some sort of medication, which is good, because so far, the pharmacological remedies available to women to help us with our sexual problems are, at best, untested and insufficiently understood. But let’s look at women’s most common sexual problems. Here I am leaving aside my discussion about young women’s particular set of circumstances and will talk more generally.

Can’t have an orgasm during intercourse:
In a way, this is really not a sexual dysfunction — in fact, it is practically the norm. At least 40% of women don’t regularly — or ever — come during intercourse with a male partner. Very often this is considered a dysfunction because people believe that intercourse IS the way people have sex (and pleasure), and of course most men do come this way… but not ALL men do, and it is not well-understood that some guys prefer and respond better to other kinds of sexual stimulation, just as so many women do.

Women who are concerned about this should start by paying attention to what *does* make them come. Generally, when a woman isn’t coming via intercourse, it may be because she isn’t aroused enough or because she isn’t very orgasmic in general. (See below for more about these.) When it’s hard to come at all, it might be extra-hard to come during intercourse, when a woman isn’t getting direct clitoral stimulation. This is the other culprit when women can’t come this way: intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris directly enough. The very easiest way to remedy this is to give the clit extra stimulation: via your own fingers, your partner’s hand, or a toy, either a vibrator or a cock ring with a clitoral stimulator built in. But starting intercourse before she’s aroused enough is another way to make it too hard for a woman to come. Other kinds of stimulation (our culture often calls them “foreplay”) can help a women get optimally turned on. Intercourse that begins before she’s turned on enough may be uninspiring and non-orgasmic, or even downright painful and unpleasant.

Can’t have an orgasm at all:
Most women are able to orgasm; it is rare to find one who can’t have an orgasm at all. But plenty of women do not take the time to get stimulated enough for orgasm, or don’t know what will appropriately stimulate them. Put another way, plenty of women *and their partners* do not take the time and do not know what will work. But if sex with a partner is not resulting in orgasm, I would always recommend that a woman learn about her own body on her own, through self-exploration and self-stimulation. There are two good reasons to do this. First, when you stimulate yourself, you learn which types of touch feel the best and how long it takes to feel really good. Second, you aren’t distracted by a partner’s presence. Having a lover in bed with you is a nice distraction! But it IS a distraction nonetheless, and many women do not focus on themselves and their pleasure very well when there’s someone else with them. Masturbation means you can take your time and learn your body and your responses. Then you can share what you learn with a partner.

Sometimes the amount of stimulation it takes to get aroused enough for an orgasm is greater than the amount we get during partner sex, or even alone, using our hands. Using a vibrator may make the difference between “almost came” and “definitely came!” Vibrators offer strong and consistent stimulation. Many people think a vibrator is supposed to be used vaginally, to stimulate the way intercourse does. But optimally, most women prefer clitoral vibration, or a vibrator on (or near) the clit and a vibe or dildo used vaginally or anally at the same time. Using two toys like this has the advantage of accustoming you to penetration while being erotically stimulated and coming to orgasm — so it might make it somewhat more likely, over time, that you’ll learn to come during intercourse, if you don’t already.

If solo stimulation with a vibrator doesn’t result in orgasm (and don’t just try it once for a few minutes, take some time to devote to it; it is a learning process, and does not always happen the first time), it might be time to see a doctor. The final three dysfunctions, too (below), may get in the way of a woman’s ability to come.

Doesn’t get aroused enough for pleasurable sex:
If sexual stimulation doesn’t feel good, it’s not likely that arousal will increase and result in orgasm. Some women who don’t have orgasms still like the way sex feels — but low-arousal sex can be anything from boring to irritating to painful, and sex should not feel that way. If erotic stimulation like kissing, caressing, and genital touch feels good and erotic, but penetration doesn’t, extend the non-penetration forms of stimulation until penetration *does* feel nice. (For some women, this will take a long time — but it’s a long *enjoyable* time!) If she isn’t wet enough for pleasurable sex, a woman can try using some water-based lubricant — but still, using lube doesn’t mean you can skip getting aroused, if you want to have a good sexual experience.

Not getting aroused is also sometimes a signal that what you’re doing is not erotic on a fundamental level — having sex with a man when a woman really desires other women, for instance. Also, it can be an indication that a woman has unresolved issues about sex — she is unusually fearful, or she has had bad sexual experiences in the past that have left her unable to relax and have good, arousing experiences today.

Isn’t interested in having sex (low or no libido):
This is fairly common during menopause, at least for temporary periods of time, as women’s hormonal levels change rather radically. It is sometimes true of pregnant women (though some women’s interest in sex *increases* when they get pregnant), or new moms whose babies keep them awake all the time. Depression and stress are fairly common culprits for low libido. Sometimes a woman in a long-term relationship will find her libido gets lower over time, though that is by no means always true. It is really important to remember that we are not all the same, and one woman’s low libido is another woman’s norm, and vice versa.

And some physicians think that low libido that is not associated with any other psychological, health or similar issue can be treated with hormones (or possibly newer pharmaceuticals like the most recently-announced one, Flibanserin).

Even when a woman is not actively interested in sex, if she chooses to engage in sex with a partner, she might find it’s a pleasurable experience despite her initial low level of desire. In this case, she and her partner should definitely make sure she has enough stimulation to become aroused, because low libido is not always the same thing as an inability to be aroused — it might have to do with her drive but NOT her responsiveness.

Pain during arousal, penetration, or orgasm:
This one is much less common, but should be checked out by a physician who is informed about women’s sexuality. In some cases, pain with penetration is associated with bad past experiences (survivors of rape or sexual abuse) and/or inordinate fear of sex. Other times it is a sign that something’s wrong with a woman’s health. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) and other conditions can result in pain with penetration, so this is definitely a kind of dysfunction that may need to be addressed with professional help.

One last thing. IF a woman has a history of comfortable, sufficiently-aroused, orgasmic sex, and something changes, that might be a signal that there is a problem in her relationship (of course, relationship problems can also be troublesome for a women who has *never* had good sex). When trust is lost in a relationship or anger and bad communication become issues, sex can definitely suffer. The other things that can cause a change may be physical: temporary and natural changes, like the hormonal changes that come with pregnancy and menopause, can do it, but the other thing that can cause such change is the onset of serious illness. Major sexual changes should be considered a reason to get a check-up — not necessarily a prescription for a sex pill, but an evaluation to make sure you’re healthy.

What about sex pills? I’ll write more about that later this week!
Hope this is useful — back at you soon, OK?
Best–CQ

I love our mission—educating our customers about sex-positivity and working to have people feel comfortable talking to their own kids about sex in a comfortable way just like you were talking about romance and love and learning to ride a bike. It is comfortable and when you learn how to ride a bike, even if you have not ridden for awhile, you can get back and it will take you to new and exciting adventures.

I started out working as a SESA (Sex Educator Sales Associate) and now write a regular blog and give classes in menopause and how to choose the best vibrator. But my goal as a sex educator is to go out into the community and teach others how using a condom can be a sexy part of foreplay or how a toy can add a beautiful part of partner play or solo play. So recently I joined the team of the OSSEs, which stands for Off-Site Sex Educator. Now I can go out to colleges and organizations that want our knowledge on sex education and help build a strong foundation of sex-positivity in the Bay Area and beyond.

If you would like one of the OSSEs to teach a class for your organization, please email our education director, Dr. Charlie Glickman PhD. and let him know (info below). He can arrange for one of the team to come speak to your group. We cover a variety of topics—let us know what you’re interested in.

For example, we could conduct a class on Safe Sex. Recently, there’s been an outbreak of STDs and STIs that is not only creeping into age groups 15 to 25, but now, among adults in the over 50’s to 70’s. An article in Time magazine reported that many senior citizens are contracting STDS because there isn’t enough sex education targeted at them. Many are past the age where an unwanted pregnancy can occur but there are other things you still need to protect yourself against what ever your age. Doctors are starting to see that there needs to be more sex education given to our seniors. This is a new take on the “Active Senior Lifestyle”.

Incidents of syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea have increased in every age group and now AIDS is on the rise in older adults as well:

According to the US Centers for Disease and Prevention:

…”people age 50 and older make up more than 10 percent of total AIDS cases in this country, and that HIV cases are increasing among people in their 60’s and 70’s. Also, it has been reported that during the last decade HIV cases has risen 500 percent among Senior Citizens, and AIDS cases among people over-50 have raised from 16,000 in 1975 to 90,000 in 2003. Now nearly 27 percent of people living with AIDS in America are 50 and older.”

Part of the reason for these increasing statistics is, many seniors still don’t practice safe sex and care providers don’t think your Grandma or Great-Grandma could still be enjoying sexual bliss–but sex is part of life, no matter how old you are — and thank God for that! Sex will keep you young and energized. We only ask that you keep safe.

So if there are any healthcare organizations, senior citizen communities or service organizations reading this, who would like us to come to you and give you a class from one of our qualified OSSEs, contact Dr. Charlie Glickman at charlieg@goodvibrations.com and he can tell you how we can come and teach a class. This is just one of the many subjects we can cover for your groups. Ask Charlie for other ideas!

Related at Good Vibrations:

Shopping Guide:  Celebrating Sex at an Older Age

Whats the best path of treatment for vaginismus? Are there any good online resources for self-help? (asking on behalf of my gf)

I’m not sure about the vast range that the online world offers re: this, but there is a substantive-looking site called vaginismus.com which is certainly worth exploring. And there has been one good book written about Vaginismus, which is a condition which involves the vagina not relaxing enough to allow for comfortable penetration — sometimes the tightness is so extreme that even a finger can’t be inserted without pain. Its functional definition refers to the inability to have intercourse. The book is called “When a Woman’s Body Says No to Sex,” the authors are Linda Valins and Susie Orbach, and of course it’s way out of print, as so many good sex books are.

However, just the title is worth considering, as is the definition of vaginismus itself, since of course, “sex” isn’t *penetration* by definition — even though so many people seem to think it is. And there appear to be two main reasons a woman’s body (or, for that matter, a man’s or a transgendered person’s body) has this response — well, actually I think I’ll say two and a half reasons. The first is that some trauma has occurred to cause a fear response (this could be an experience like rape or abuse, but could also be something like fear inculcated by a person’s erotophobic background); the fear response causes a clenching of muscles that results in the tightness and pain of vaginismus.

The second is that pelvic pain of any sort might result in such a response, even if the condition that originally caused the pain has been resolved. That’s the one-half reason: the fact that a pain response seems to be, at least for some people, learned, and the body must *un*learn it to be able to overcome vaginismus.

This may involve emotional/psychological healing from any past trauma (a wonderful set of references for this are Staci Haines’ books, “The Survivor’s Guide to Sex” and “Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma”; there is a video as well). This healing may well involve the help of a qualified therapist; having a supportive partner is also very valuable (so thank you for reaching out on her behalf, but guard against being so eager for her to heal and get comfortable with sex that it feels to her like pressure). Haines, by the way, maintains a private practice in San Francisco and founded a nonprofit, Generation 5, which is dedicated to ending child sexual abuse within five generations, and depending on your partner’s situation, it might be a useful resource.

Overcoming vaginismus may, instead (or in addition), require work to heal any physical source of pelvic pain — I mean physical *malady*, not painful experience. My sexologist colleague Heather Howard, Ph.D., specializes in this; though there are other pelvic pain specialists out there, few if any are also trained sexologists. Pain, especially the kind that lingers as a sort of learned response, can be a tough nut to crack. If some disease or injury is present, it will be important to get a diagnosis — not always easy, when a woman can’t stand to have a pelvic exam — and choosing a physician with some knowledge of vaginismus would be important.

Home healing involves relaxation, graduated-in-size dildo-like items called “dilators” used with ample lubricant, and sometimes a lot of demystification and learning about sexuality, especially for the woman whose vaginismus is related to growing up in such an erotophobic environment that she’s developed the belief that sex hurts. (This is sometimes necessary in a trauma survivor’s case too — understanding, for instance, that a rape experience is not the same as a desired experience of intercourse may not be easy.)

As Dr. Jack Morin said of anal penetration, if the person to be penetrated really desires the experience, it can make all the difference: for a woman to really desire penetration under these circumstances, it matters enormously that she feels fully supported and that her boundaries are her own. (She may also be battling shame around being different from other women, and that, too, needs support to be healed.) Best of luck to the two of you, and please reach out to explore these resources when your partner is ready. –CQ

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“is “stone butch” with us today? if so, has this sexuality changed, remained the same, both?”

I’d say yes to that, although many of the people who would have been identified as stone butch in the old days are now viewed as genderqueer or some variation thereof; whether or not she/ze/he’s a very butch woman or a transman, some such masculine folks are more comfortable being the “do-er” (top, active partner) sexually (as if you can’t be active as the “receptive” partner… oh, words fail us). But the notion of “stone” is two-sided: on the one hand, it means “very very”; on the other, it refers to an unwillingness (or orientation away from) being the receptive partner during sex. And yes, I think there are still butches for whom that is true. I don’t think it’s the norm, though, and way back when it’s possible it was more expected than it is now. There’s been a *lot* of discourse about it over the past twenty-plus years, and you know how dykes are about discourse.

Have you seen Sinclair Sexsmith’s (“Sugarbutch Chronicles“) list of the 100 hottest butches? I think it exemplifies really beautifully (though I can think of a few hot butches I didn’t see on the list… I think Sinclair maybe needs to hang out in SF just a *little* more) the way butchness has evolved.

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@GoodVibesSF What is the best route to becoming a sex educator?

Great question! The simple answer is, major in sexology or sex ed in a recognized program. But that answer is actually way too simple, because there aren’t very many of these programs, and there’s more than one kind of sex educator. The sexologist is clearly one. Many of these programs are pretty academic and ready you mainly for academic careers — which is great, if that’s what you had in mind. If you’d rather live the swashbuckling life of a sexpert, who may have no formal training but lots of real-world experience and knowledge, start amassing (and evaluating) your real-world experience! These folks often wind up teaching classes, writing books, and often being pretty big deals. My own experience and background straddles both sexology and “sexpertise.” The one big caution I have for would-be sexperts: never assume other people’s experience is just like your own, or that it should be done the way you do it without variation. Untrained sexperts’ worst mistake is not sufficiently understanding other experience which they do not share, and without this respect for and understanding of sexual (and gender) diversity, sexperts can, in a worst-case scenario, actually do harm.

Then there’s a middle path of focusing in any direction that might cross-cut sexuality studies: doctors, anthropologists, biologists, and therapists can all start with a platform on which to develop sexual expertise. So can Planned Parenthood workers, safer sex educators, OWL program trainees (that’s Our Whole Life sex ed curriculum, for readers who aren’t Unitarian/UCC folks). The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a sex educator certificate, though it is so far a bit underutilized. Eventually I hope the Center for Sex & Culture, which I direct (www.sexandculture.org), will be able to interface with it and offer relevant classes to allow folks to get one. Bottom line, stay curious and interested about sexuality, and get info from every direction you can, weighing the community-based, sexpert-driven info with the academic and professionally-derived… all these elements are part of being a well–rounded sex educator today.

I’m going to have an essay about the differences between sexperts, experts and sexologists this fall in Adult Video News magazine — once it’s published they’ll probably let me put it onto my Facebook page where people can see it, if you don’t have access to AVN. Also, the last question on this page — http://www.carolqueen.com/pages/faq.htm — might help put your options into perspective. Thanks, and I look forward to welcoming you into the sex ed fold!

xox–CQ

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If a guy doesn’t climax after 20 mins of foreplay and 30 mins of sex does it mean the sex is terrible?

Oh, this is an awesome question! No, it doesn’t necessarily mean the sex is terrible at all. It might be so great that he’s trying with all his will not to let it end — so many people, of all genders, are trained to think that when a guy comes, the sex is over, that many men try hard NOT to climax! And that can train a man, whether he intended to do so or not, to have a hard time coming at all. (Of course, in reality, the sex doesn’t have to be over until everyone involved has had enough fun, or until it’s time to catch the bus for work, whichever comes first.)

Other reasons he may have a hard time coming: He may have some sort of emotional issue with the sex he’s having (guilt, for instance), or he may have issues with sex in general. All kinds of things are possible here, from body image issues –even gender issues, believe it or not– to having had sexual problems that make him less in touch with his body. Many people don’t think of guys as potentially having had nonconsensual or problematic sexual experiences, but of course, some *have* had such experiences and are as likely as everybody else with that history to “check out” when things get too intense in bed. He might even have a physical issue that affects his ability to come, or be on medication that impairs orgasm — many meds have this unfortunate side effect.

If you are asking this because you’ve had sex with a guy who didn’t climax, and you find yourself having sex with him again, consider asking, “Is there anything else you’d like me to do? Do you have favorite or special kinds of stimulation you like?” Make it clear you are interested in his having a good time, and see what he communicates.

Tweet! –CQ

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