Let’s take a closer look at what they featured, so you can check out these toys and learn more about them for yourself.

	SEX TOYS A finger tingler like Fukuoku 9000 Laya Spot Vibrator Like this pleasure commander? The Neptune Ring Vibe We-Vibe Couple’s Vibrator Need advice for choosing a vibe? Check out our article, “How to Choose the Right Vibrator FOR YOU.”
	LUBRICANTS! Silicone-based lube Swiss Navy Silicone-based lube Pjur Silicone-based lubes like Amorist, the Pink Silicone Lube. Glycerin-free like Sliquid Glycerin-free like Hathor Aphrodisia Check out more Glycerin-free lube and Silicone lubes.
	EROTICA / PORN Jenna Jameson is The Masseuse Candida Royalle The Bridal Shower Candida Royalle Eyes of Desire Tristan Taormino’s reality porn, Chemistry Series Violet’s film recommendations in an excerpt from The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn

Also, couldn’t help but notice that this list was missing some gay porn — yes women love gay porn too — and also real queer porn too!

• Tony Comstock’s Damon & Hunter
  
• Courtney Trouble’s Roulette
• And check out sex ed videos like Bend Over Boyfriend and Maximizing G-spot Pleasure
  

EROTICA / SEX BOOKS Anne Rice Beauty’s Punishment Check out some of our favorite educational and erotic reads: Susie Bright’s X: The Erotic Treasury Violet Blue’s Best Women’s Erotica 2009 Rodger Jacobs’ Ebony Erotica Annie Hooper, author of Kama Sutra

We love our sex literature here at Good Vibrations, so here’s some more books to add to the pile. If Oprah had a sex book club, it would probably include Jay Wiseman’s “Tricks to Please a Man” and “Tricks to Please a Woman“. There’s “Never Have the Same Sex Twice” and the Hot Sex Handbook. Em & Lo wrote the book “Sex Toy“. And for a good tantra book check out “Urban Tantra“. Sadie Allison’s “Tickle His Pickle” is a good read for heterosexual/bisexual women. On the other hand, there’s “The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus” and if you’re interested in checking out books written by sex workers, don’t miss Dr. Annie Sprinkle’s “Spectacular Sex“.

I love our mission—educating our customers about sex-positivity and working to have people feel comfortable talking to their own kids about sex in a comfortable way just like you were talking about romance and love and learning to ride a bike. It is comfortable and when you learn how to ride a bike, even if you have not ridden for awhile, you can get back and it will take you to new and exciting adventures.

I started out working as a SESA (Sex Educator Sales Associate) and now write a regular blog and give classes in menopause and how to choose the best vibrator. But my goal as a sex educator is to go out into the community and teach others how using a condom can be a sexy part of foreplay or how a toy can add a beautiful part of partner play or solo play. So recently I joined the team of the OSSEs, which stands for Off-Site Sex Educator. Now I can go out to colleges and organizations that want our knowledge on sex education and help build a strong foundation of sex-positivity in the Bay Area and beyond.

If you would like one of the OSSEs to teach a class for your organization, please email our education director, Dr. Charlie Glickman PhD. and let him know (info below). He can arrange for one of the team to come speak to your group. We cover a variety of topics—let us know what you’re interested in.

For example, we could conduct a class on Safe Sex. Recently, there’s been an outbreak of STDs and STIs that is not only creeping into age groups 15 to 25, but now, among adults in the over 50’s to 70’s. An article in Time magazine reported that many senior citizens are contracting STDS because there isn’t enough sex education targeted at them. Many are past the age where an unwanted pregnancy can occur but there are other things you still need to protect yourself against what ever your age. Doctors are starting to see that there needs to be more sex education given to our seniors. This is a new take on the “Active Senior Lifestyle”.

Incidents of syphilis, chlamydia and gonorrhea have increased in every age group and now AIDS is on the rise in older adults as well:

According to the US Centers for Disease and Prevention:

…”people age 50 and older make up more than 10 percent of total AIDS cases in this country, and that HIV cases are increasing among people in their 60’s and 70’s. Also, it has been reported that during the last decade HIV cases has risen 500 percent among Senior Citizens, and AIDS cases among people over-50 have raised from 16,000 in 1975 to 90,000 in 2003. Now nearly 27 percent of people living with AIDS in America are 50 and older.”

Part of the reason for these increasing statistics is, many seniors still don’t practice safe sex and care providers don’t think your Grandma or Great-Grandma could still be enjoying sexual bliss–but sex is part of life, no matter how old you are — and thank God for that! Sex will keep you young and energized. We only ask that you keep safe.

So if there are any healthcare organizations, senior citizen communities or service organizations reading this, who would like us to come to you and give you a class from one of our qualified OSSEs, contact Dr. Charlie Glickman at charlieg@goodvibrations.com and he can tell you how we can come and teach a class. This is just one of the many subjects we can cover for your groups. Ask Charlie for other ideas!

Related at Good Vibrations:

Shopping Guide:  Celebrating Sex at an Older Age

What led you to become an educator

Mostly I teach about how to handle non-monogamous relationships.

I personally had a disastrous non-monogamous dating career during high school and college, and even for a couple years afterward. I knew enough to be sure that I wanted nothing to do with monogamy, but not enough to understand that I should find people like me, and that I would have to overcome an amazing amount of cultural conditioning in order to actually hold down relationships with more than one person.
So, I now teach about non-monogamy (mostly polyamory, but also other sorts) in order to save others from going through the trial-and-error process that I had to suffer through. Before teaching classes, I was already handing out advice left and right to my friends, so it was a small step to moving that into a workshop setting.

How did you start giving polyamory advice?

I have a funny saying about the polyamory community: “if you’ve been successfully polyamorous for more than two years, you should be teaching a class”. I say it jokingly, but underneath the joke is the reality that there is a real thirst for practical information on polyamory and not many people who are interested in giving it out. Once I started living poly the way I wanted to, I soon found myself handing out advice on internet forums of various sorts to people who were new to it, scared, and often flailing. From the internet forums I started into in-person advice, and still today hold little informal poly coaching sessions for my friends.

What do you love about giving nonmonogamy advice?

I love how easy it is, honestly. Even if we just stick to the basics of practical non-monogamy, there is a lot of stuff there that people have not considered, even those who are coming to a class. So people tend to get a lot out of our presentations, even though we are not super-advanced lecturers or anything. People walk away happier and relieved, and it is really easy to do that for them, which is really gratifying.

What is your most common question?

As our subject is non-monogamy, the most common question is something along the lines of “is that even possible?” In fact, the most valuable thing my partner and I do while presenting is to just sit up in front of the class and act normal while making it clear that we are successful at polyamory. This just blows people’s minds, which is a little silly if you think about it.

The second most common question is some variant on “are these crazy feelings normal?” A lot of people underestimate how indoctrinated we are into monogamy, and so are very surprised by the strong emotions (jealousy and others) that beset them when they try non-monogamy. So, we spend a lot of time in class helping people accept their strong emotions and figure out how to deal with them.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

It was not a question so much as a situation. We have had couples show up in our workshops where it is clear that one partner really wanted to open the relationship, and the other did not. This is a recipe for disaster, and in most cases these couples break-up. We do not sugarcoat things in our non-monogamy workshop, so often these couples come to the full realization of what trouble they are in while sitting right there in class. We have had a handful of people cry a lot and leave, but so far no in-class break-ups.

What projects are you working on now?

In addition to the ongoing Practical Non-monogamy course that I teach with my partner, I am putting together a new course specifically aimed at men, and then specifically at men attracted to women. Straight guys (and to a lesser extent, bi guys) come to non-monogamous communities and scenes with a lot of baggage: feelings of entitlement, misconceptions about how non-monogamy works and about women, and so on. Which ironically often means that mixed-gender scenes end up with women being more active than men. This new class will hopefully help guys get past some of these attitudes and to a place where they can get into the non-monogamy or play that they are looking for.

Where can people find out more about you?

Visit my blog at www.freaksexual.com or email me at pepomint@gmail.com.

The realization some years ago that people were woefully uneducated or undereducated about sex and sexuality led me to decide that I wanted to be a sex educator. I specifically became interested in it when I realized how little accurate sex education teenagers were getting, largely as a result of the asinine “abstinence only” indoctrination, and vowed to do something about it. I was working on an undergraduate degree in business administration and changed half way through college to psychology, specifically so I could orient myself toward graduate studies suitable for a sex education career, in fact.

How did you start giving sex advice?

I joined a forum for teens and young adults when I was 15. That forum included one specifically for discussion of sex and sex-related subjects. I found that I was far more knowledgeable about sexuality than anyone else posting advice there (including those much older than I). As time went on, I became the senior “go-to” person for legitimate information about sex. Even at that age, I had been doing my own research on a variety of subjects related to sexuality for my own personal edification, and that knowledge proved beneficial for others as well.

Where did you get your education?

My undergraduate degree in psychology is from the University of Miami (FL). I am currently working on my Masters degree in Human Sexuality Studies at a university in California, and will go on to get my PhD or EdD in sex education once I have my masters.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

My favorite thing about giving sex advice is when someone comes back and tells me that something I’ve told them “worked” or helped them deal with a specific issue. One of the most common pieces of advice I am asked is how to prepare for the first anal experience. A lot of people, girls and women especially, are afraid of it – they think it will hurt, or be messy, or any number of other myths they’ve heard about it. When I explain to them how to prepare for it, they invariably come back and tell me the advice I gave them was sound and worked just as I said it would, and therefore they enjoyed the experience. A good first experience is critical to being able to enjoy any sex act, so the fact that I can contribute to someone’s life-long satisfaction with anything related to sex is very gratifying to me.

What is your most common question?

Easily the most common question I get (and that I see in any forum where young people hang out), is “Can I get pregnant from…X?” In schools today, even those where “comprehensive” sex education is taught, teachers usually aren’t allowed to discuss specific sex acts to any great extent. And of course, students are hesitant or embarrassed to ask a teacher about specific acts in front of a class. So they won’t ask a teacher about a guy ejaculating on their pubic mound and the likelihood of becoming pregnant that way. None of these questions surprise me any longer because I know the state of sex education as it exists in most public and private schools these days.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

The most difficult question I’ve had to answer over the years always involves unexpected pregnancies, especially from the really young ones (12-14). A great many girls will ask what they should do – should they keep it; should they try to hide it from their parents and/or the father; should they have an abortion? It’s impossible for me to make those decisions for someone else, so I do the best I can to educate them, honestly, about all of the options available to them. This is exacerbated when the question is asked in an open forum because you’ll have people on all sides of the issue chiming in trying to coerce the girl to make the decision they’d make rather than the decision that’s right for her.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

My favorite sex toy is my OhMiBod, which is a vibrator that attaches to your iPod. It transfers the beat of the music to your body through the vibrator. Listening to trance music and club music with a driving beat while that thing is pulsating inside you has to be experienced to be believed.

Where do you teach? If you travel, what is it like? Where was your favorite place to teach? Most unusual panel or experience?

I only teach on the Internet at this point, in a variety of forums under a variety of different monikers. I do plan to go onto to form my own sex education business once I’ve completed my education. I am already working on plans for that.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

How incredibly individualized the sexual experience is and how individual psychology plays into ones understanding and perceptions about their own sexuality. The understanding of sexual psychology is one of those topics that will likely fascinate me to the day I leave this world.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

Don’t go into it unless you can deal with the subject in a mature, rational manner, even with young people, who are far more intelligent about it than many might believe. This means being prepared to explain the truth to young people, absent any religious or political ideology. If you “educate” children about sex with the veil of religious ideology, you’re intentionally harming them in my book, and that is not what education is about.

There’s one website where any time someone asks about how to masturbate (which a very common question from young females, especially), the site owner won’t allow people to talk about how to masturbate. Instead, she insists they be told to “Google” it. I’m not sure if you’ve ever Googled “masturbation,” but the first 2 million hits you get have little to do with sex education for young people to be sure. Telling people to look it up on the Internet is tantamount to directing them to porn, in my opinion. I don’t believe that is a rational way to instruct young people about sex. If you’re going to market yourself as a sex educator, be prepared to deal with all aspects of sexuality in a level-headed, rational manner, and be prepared to fight the battles with the censors, the politicians, and other anti-sex forces in our society. We have enough misinformation and incomplete information out there these days. We need more people who’ll stand up and actually teach young people that sex is perfectly healthy to explore if done within the right context.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

The best thing I’ve learned is that I am responsible for my own sexuality – not my partner, not society at large, and not anyone else. Fortunately, I learned that at a young age.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That anyone who practices anything other than “mainstream” sex (i.e., the four basic positions, PIV intercourse & oral) is deviant in some way. I am so tired of people using the term “normal” to refer to sexual practices. Some people enjoy anal sex; some people enjoy being spanked or beaten during sex; some people enjoy pee play during sex. All of that is perfectly normative behavior between two or more individuals when done consensually.

Which is your favorite project that you’ve worked on?

My favorite project is a website I am working on dedicated to sex education for young people.

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Own your sexuality. Period. Don’t let other people tell you how to enjoy your sexuality. Don’t let other people tell you that you shouldn’t enjoy X because of Y. Don’t let people tell you you shouldn’t do X because you’re too old to be doing it. Manage your own sexuality the way you see fit, to include embracing your inner slut if that’s what you want to do.

What projects are you working on now?

Right now, my focus is on completing my education. As I indicated earlier, I am also working on business plans to develop my own sex education enterprise once I am done with my education. I have a couple of other projects I work on related to the rights of sex workers. The My First Professional Sex website, for example, allows sex workers to explain why they got into sex work, what they enjoy about, what they dislike about, it. It allows sex workers to explain why they got into it instead of the anti-sex work crowd being the only source of that information.

Where can people find out more about you?

Since I am writing this under a pseudonym necessary for my current line of work, the only real place you can find out more about me and my philosophy regarding sex education is my blog, Real Princess Diaries.

How did you start giving sex advice?

After I wrote my spicy, senior sex memoir, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, people just started asking me for advice. My book was so intimate that they felt they knew me, and they’d ask me questions they never asked their doctors and tell me feelings that they never even shared with their partners. In a way, I was catapulted into the role of “senior sexpert.” Now I consider myself a sex educator and I love the role. I used to teach fitness and exercise, and before that, high-school English. Although I loved those eras of my life, I must say I find it fascinating – even exhilarating! – to have a career writing and talking out loud about senior sex.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

I love the instant connection with people who trust me with their candid stories and questions. I love knowing that by passing along the information I’ve learned, I can help others improve their sex lives and intimate relationships.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

I guess the question that distresses me every time I hear it is, “My partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore and won’t talk about it.” I always recommend seeing a therapist — going alone if the partner won’t go – to figure out options for coping with this, but I certainly don’t know the answer. It’s a heartbreaking question.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

It’s all interesting! Goodness, what could be dull about exploring sex?

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That we lose our zest for sex at a certain age. Certainly sex changes – it becomes more emotionally driven instead of biologically driven, our body parts and erotic responses aren’t as dependable as they used to be. But the desire for touch, for skin contact, for bonding with a partner, for soaring to sexual heights remain strong. These needs and desires are part of being human, and they’re lifelong.

What have you been doing lately?

My beloved husband, the artist Robert Rice (www.robertriceart.com) died in August 2008, and I took a year to do little more than grieve, write my blog about sex and aging: www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com, and teach line dancing: www.joanprice.com/dance.htm (where Robert and I met and danced together throughout our relationship). It’s time now to work on my new book, Naked at Our Age.

What is Naked at Our Age about?

While Better Than I Ever Expected celebrated the joys of senior sex, Naked at Our Age will tackle the challenges, with advice from experts addressing problems my readers describe. I invite anyone interested in being interviewed by email for this book and sex educators interested in contributing tips to learn more at www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2009/06/naked-at-our-age-invitation.html.

Where can people find out more about you?

www.joanprice.com

How could a ritual hand sign add sparks to your orgasm? It turns out that the 108 mudrās of Buddhism and Hinduism are an ancient form of electrical engineering. When you extend a finger, it’s like raising an antenna. When you join two fingers, you’re completing a circuit within your bio-electrical field. Add your genitals into the equation to create a “ground”—an absorber of unlimited amounts of current. Imagine your penis or clitoris as a Tesla coil bursting with long, high-frequency discharges. The mudrā could be likened to the coil’s transformer.

A fun mudrā to begin with is horny both figuratively and literally. You might already know it as the “sign of the horns,” a vulgar gesture in Mediterranean countries. The index and pinkie fingers are raised, and the middle and ring fingers are held down by the thumb. Note that the bent fingers create a snug little tunnel. That is, of course, where the penis or clitoris goes. Keep your pinkie and index fingers extended as you rub the mudrā up, down, and all around. In ritual practice, this gesture is called Karana Mudrā, and it is used for warding off obstacles and dissipating wicked thoughts. (That’s wicked in the sense of fiendish as opposed to playfully naughty. If you’re truly a devil in the bedroom, don’t try this at home.)

The Vajra Mudrā brings a true bang to the experience of orgasm. This “thunder mudrā” involves two hands, and it extends your penis or clitoris into a royal-size antenna for receiving erotic vibes. Make a fist with your right hand. Extend your right index finger, pointing upward. Make a fist with your left hand around the right index finger. Now lower your locked hands onto your clitoris or penis and pump away. Allow the energy of your orgasm to flow up through your extended index finger. It’s virtually guaranteed to rock your world.

Another gesture extends the genitals: the Linga Mudrā, named after the divine phallus of Hinduism. Interlace the fingers of both hands, as in prayer. Extend one thumb upward. Encircle it with the index finger and thumb of your other hand. Now cup your genitals and do your thing, keeping the thumb erect. The Linga Mudrā is traditionally used to strengthen the body’s immune system, and when applied to the genitals it’s good for sexual stamina.

Speaking of stamina, the Prana Mudrā is perfect for frequent masturbators who feel depleted and could use a boost of sexual energy. Extend the index and middle fingers into a “peace” sign. Touch the tips of the thumb, pinkie, and ring fingers. The touching fingers create an opening, perfect for encircling the clitoris or sliding up and down the shaft of the penis. Keep the extended fingers rigid during the masturbatory session. They’ll act like a tuning fork to make your orgasm pitch perfect.

Frequent flashers of the middle finger will likely flip over the Mantangi Mudrā. This gesture gives your genitals the trunk of an elephant. Clasp your hands as in prayer, fingers intertwined. Then extend both middle fingers, pointed away from your body. Note that your index fingers and thumbs naturally form a hole. Use this hole to encircle or envelop your genitals. Keep your middle fingers rigidly extended throughout your sex act to experience an energetic “fuckyou.”

The Jnana Mudrā is reminiscent of the “okay” sign. Join the tips of the thumb and index fingers to form a circle. Relax the remaining fingers. Hold your hand so your palm faces the general direction of your heart. This mudrā is traditionally used for fostering knowledge, so why not foster applied body chemistry? A woman can use her relaxed fingers to brush her labia as she surrounds the clitoris with the circle. If the diameter of a man’s penis is smaller than the finger circle, rotate the circle around the shaft like a hula hoop. If the circle is a snug fit, run it up and down the shaft. If the fit is too snug to maintain thumb and index finger contact, stimulate as much of the penis tip as possible without breaking the circle. A somewhat similar gesture is the Vitarka Mudrā, traditionally used to foster the discussion and transmission of spiritual teachings. The tips of the thumb and index fingers form a circle, but the remaining fingers are extended rather than relaxed. Keep the fingers rigid throughout the masturbatory session. Applying this gesture is like having a private tutor for the study of human sexuality.

Nipple pinchers may enjoy putting three different mudrās to use. With the Akash Mudrā, only the middle finger and thumb touch, while all other fingers extend. Use a tit as a junction point between the middle finger and thumb. Traditionally used for centering and nourishing the body, the Akash Mudrā is a terrific nipple stimulator. A similar gesture, the Apana Mudrā, adds another finger into the action. Join the tips of the thumb, middle, and ring fingers. Extend the pinkie and index fingers. Now three fingers can pinch a nipple, with a grounding effect. But keep those pinkie and index fingers rigid throughout. Another three-finger pincer is the Kubera Mudrā. Join the tips of the thumb, index, and middle fingers. Fold and tuck the ring finger and pinkie into the palm. The Kubera Mudrā is traditionally used to foster the attainment of one’s goals. If you have a Midas touch, these mudrās will make your fortune.

There are several books and websites dedicated to mudrās, so it’s easy to continue your education. But these initial tips should keep your hands full for a good, enjoyable while.  (Fingers crossed.)

I am just letting you know of my upcoming workshop on how to “Embrace Your Sexual Rebirth” (in case you haven’t yet attended). This workshop is designed for singles, couples, what ever stage of Menopause you are in (or going to be in):

Embracing Your Sexual Rebirth: Sex During and After Menopause
Wednesday, August 26, 8-10 pm
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Please call 415-522-5460 to reserve a seat.

Lots of people believe that menopause inevitably leads to a decline in a woman’s sexuality but it’s not necessarily so! While “the change” can leads to significant shifts in sexual response and desire, that doesn’t have to mean that sex is no longer satisfying for women or their partners. GV staffer Evie Abston will help you discover new ways to think about your sexuality and how to respond to the changes that you’re experiencing. She’ll give you lots of helpful information, lead you through some exercises that will help you tune in to you and your partner’s body, offer guidance to make navigating sex easier and much more. Whether you’ve been through menopause, are in the middle of it, or see it coming, this fun and informative workshop for women and men, singles and couples, will make it easier to find out how to turn menopause into a sexual rebirth, deeper pleasure and enhanced intimacy.

For the majority of customers that I have spoken to in the past, there are two major things that people seem to ask for assistance in: How to increase Vaginal lubrication and the big one, “how can I get my sex drive back?”

There are many factors that can cause low libido, it could be fluctuating hormones, a hectic lifestyle, feeling pressure that you are going through changes, or a combination of all three. When it happened to me-part of the lack of desire was yes, fluctuating hormones, but also a pressure I felt from a message I had that my husband would leave me if my sex drive was gone.

Because I felt comfortable sharing those fears with him, it actually brought us closer together because he was able to reassure me. And then he shared that he also does not have the same level of sex drive he did when he was in his 20’s. Sharing this gave us a new awareness and helped us to continue to build a stronger relationship.

The more I read about different aspects of Menopause, the more I find new ways to enhance my and other people lives in a positive way. Besides being a sex educator with Good Vibrations I am also an alternative care practitioner. Part of my path as alternative practitioner, has been to help Menopausal women find ways to deal with the fluctuating hormones and emotional upsets that seem to pop up in various degrees and times.  I have recently learned a form of acupressure that can relieve physical and emotional challenges. I started using this process on myself that have been keeping my sex drive on vacation. I did the process once and after working on the acupressure points in a series of two sets, I started feeling that little “flutter” of desire I used to get. It is a good tune up that I have started incorporating in my own self care in addition to my daily meditation..

I knew I was on to something wonderful.  In addition to the previous exercises we will learn in the workshop, I’ve decided to share this process on August 26th. It is an exercise to rev up your libido, or help with mood swings by using acupressure techniques. It is very helpful. It is something that you can learn in a very short time. I am going to have hand outs to give so you can continue to use it even after the workshop.

I know I have said this many times before, (I have menopausal memory, if I said it I probably forgot that I did), but there are so many resources for learning how to take charge of your self-care going through Menopause. You are not alone. You don’t have to suffer in silence the way my mother or your mother did. All you have to do is start talking and sharing your experiences. You will be pleasantly surprised how many people are going through the same thing or have gotten through it.

Why do I say people instead of women? Because when you are in a relationship, it isn’t only women who are having the challenges, the husbands and partners are going through it too. They want to support their spouse, but sometimes not sure how to do it. And it isn’t just because they can’t handle it or don’t want to address it. It was because of the loving spouses that started coming to me when I was working in my store and said that their wives or girlfriends were having problems but too shy to talk about it, that I decided to do these workshops in the first place. Sometimes it is because we women don’t want to even vocalize our fears of the changes going on in our bodies and our heads. We can’t even bring ourselves to utter the words.

But in order to make changes, you have to first acknowledge that there is something you can change. Many times it is the power of the fear that keeps us resisting to what we know we need to acknowledge. But let me tell you, once you can break through the wall of resistance to get to the heart of the matter, things do change. And when you have that “A-Ha” moment and there is utter release and an orgasmic level of joy you are experiencing, it is worth any minute of doubt or fear you keep inside. Just remember, even if you don’t say it, your body still feels your fear or anxiety. And that can keep that imploding energy to cause more upsets or dis-eases in your body. Once you surrender to accepting the willingness to change, it is like opening up the door to a new life. And isn’t that worth all the short months of anxiety to 30 or 40 more years of  freedom you will have –“Viva la Vive!”

Related at Good Vibrations:

Our Bodies, Ourselves: Menopause
Multi-Orgasmic Woman
Better Than I Ever Expected

Whats the best path of treatment for vaginismus? Are there any good online resources for self-help? (asking on behalf of my gf)

I’m not sure about the vast range that the online world offers re: this, but there is a substantive-looking site called vaginismus.com which is certainly worth exploring. And there has been one good book written about Vaginismus, which is a condition which involves the vagina not relaxing enough to allow for comfortable penetration — sometimes the tightness is so extreme that even a finger can’t be inserted without pain. Its functional definition refers to the inability to have intercourse. The book is called “When a Woman’s Body Says No to Sex,” the authors are Linda Valins and Susie Orbach, and of course it’s way out of print, as so many good sex books are.

However, just the title is worth considering, as is the definition of vaginismus itself, since of course, “sex” isn’t *penetration* by definition — even though so many people seem to think it is. And there appear to be two main reasons a woman’s body (or, for that matter, a man’s or a transgendered person’s body) has this response — well, actually I think I’ll say two and a half reasons. The first is that some trauma has occurred to cause a fear response (this could be an experience like rape or abuse, but could also be something like fear inculcated by a person’s erotophobic background); the fear response causes a clenching of muscles that results in the tightness and pain of vaginismus.

The second is that pelvic pain of any sort might result in such a response, even if the condition that originally caused the pain has been resolved. That’s the one-half reason: the fact that a pain response seems to be, at least for some people, learned, and the body must *un*learn it to be able to overcome vaginismus.

This may involve emotional/psychological healing from any past trauma (a wonderful set of references for this are Staci Haines’ books, “The Survivor’s Guide to Sex” and “Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma”; there is a video as well). This healing may well involve the help of a qualified therapist; having a supportive partner is also very valuable (so thank you for reaching out on her behalf, but guard against being so eager for her to heal and get comfortable with sex that it feels to her like pressure). Haines, by the way, maintains a private practice in San Francisco and founded a nonprofit, Generation 5, which is dedicated to ending child sexual abuse within five generations, and depending on your partner’s situation, it might be a useful resource.

Overcoming vaginismus may, instead (or in addition), require work to heal any physical source of pelvic pain — I mean physical *malady*, not painful experience. My sexologist colleague Heather Howard, Ph.D., specializes in this; though there are other pelvic pain specialists out there, few if any are also trained sexologists. Pain, especially the kind that lingers as a sort of learned response, can be a tough nut to crack. If some disease or injury is present, it will be important to get a diagnosis — not always easy, when a woman can’t stand to have a pelvic exam — and choosing a physician with some knowledge of vaginismus would be important.

Home healing involves relaxation, graduated-in-size dildo-like items called “dilators” used with ample lubricant, and sometimes a lot of demystification and learning about sexuality, especially for the woman whose vaginismus is related to growing up in such an erotophobic environment that she’s developed the belief that sex hurts. (This is sometimes necessary in a trauma survivor’s case too — understanding, for instance, that a rape experience is not the same as a desired experience of intercourse may not be easy.)

As Dr. Jack Morin said of anal penetration, if the person to be penetrated really desires the experience, it can make all the difference: for a woman to really desire penetration under these circumstances, it matters enormously that she feels fully supported and that her boundaries are her own. (She may also be battling shame around being different from other women, and that, too, needs support to be healed.) Best of luck to the two of you, and please reach out to explore these resources when your partner is ready. –CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
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True Romance (Heterosexual Focus)

“is “stone butch” with us today? if so, has this sexuality changed, remained the same, both?”

I’d say yes to that, although many of the people who would have been identified as stone butch in the old days are now viewed as genderqueer or some variation thereof; whether or not she/ze/he’s a very butch woman or a transman, some such masculine folks are more comfortable being the “do-er” (top, active partner) sexually (as if you can’t be active as the “receptive” partner… oh, words fail us). But the notion of “stone” is two-sided: on the one hand, it means “very very”; on the other, it refers to an unwillingness (or orientation away from) being the receptive partner during sex. And yes, I think there are still butches for whom that is true. I don’t think it’s the norm, though, and way back when it’s possible it was more expected than it is now. There’s been a *lot* of discourse about it over the past twenty-plus years, and you know how dykes are about discourse.

Have you seen Sinclair Sexsmith’s (”Sugarbutch Chronicles“) list of the 100 hottest butches? I think it exemplifies really beautifully (though I can think of a few hot butches I didn’t see on the list… I think Sinclair maybe needs to hang out in SF just a *little* more) the way butchness has evolved.

Related Products at Good Vibrations:
Crash Pad Series Volume 3: Through The Keyhole

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@GoodVibesSF What is the best route to becoming a sex educator?

Great question! The simple answer is, major in sexology or sex ed in a recognized program. But that answer is actually way too simple, because there aren’t very many of these programs, and there’s more than one kind of sex educator. The sexologist is clearly one. Many of these programs are pretty academic and ready you mainly for academic careers — which is great, if that’s what you had in mind. If you’d rather live the swashbuckling life of a sexpert, who may have no formal training but lots of real-world experience and knowledge, start amassing (and evaluating) your real-world experience! These folks often wind up teaching classes, writing books, and often being pretty big deals. My own experience and background straddles both sexology and “sexpertise.” The one big caution I have for would-be sexperts: never assume other people’s experience is just like your own, or that it should be done the way you do it without variation. Untrained sexperts’ worst mistake is not sufficiently understanding other experience which they do not share, and without this respect for and understanding of sexual (and gender) diversity, sexperts can, in a worst-case scenario, actually do harm.

Then there’s a middle path of focusing in any direction that might cross-cut sexuality studies: doctors, anthropologists, biologists, and therapists can all start with a platform on which to develop sexual expertise. So can Planned Parenthood workers, safer sex educators, OWL program trainees (that’s Our Whole Life sex ed curriculum, for readers who aren’t Unitarian/UCC folks). The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a sex educator certificate, though it is so far a bit underutilized. Eventually I hope the Center for Sex & Culture, which I direct (www.sexandculture.org), will be able to interface with it and offer relevant classes to allow folks to get one. Bottom line, stay curious and interested about sexuality, and get info from every direction you can, weighing the community-based, sexpert-driven info with the academic and professionally-derived… all these elements are part of being a well–rounded sex educator today.

I’m going to have an essay about the differences between sexperts, experts and sexologists this fall in Adult Video News magazine — once it’s published they’ll probably let me put it onto my Facebook page where people can see it, if you don’t have access to AVN. Also, the last question on this page — http://www.carolqueen.com/pages/faq.htm — might help put your options into perspective. Thanks, and I look forward to welcoming you into the sex ed fold!

xox–CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
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