Do YOU Want to be in Sex Ed Movies??!!

“Are you an exhibitionist? Up for video appearances in the new how-to line I’m going to begin doing soon? These explicit sex education movies will be full-length, will appear monthly, and will cover lots of different topics. I’ll be casting two or three couples (and sometimes singles and more-than-twosomes) for each one, and in addition to that, I want each movie to include clothed (or, for that matter, unclothed) people talking about the topic.”

“For instance, the first two movies will be about oral sex, and in addition to casting the main couples, I’ll want some genital shots so people can get a sense of the diversity of different people’s parts, plus I want people telling anecdotes, their favorite techniques, and so forth. This “community voices” element will allow us to represent a wider range of people than we otherwise could, both in terms of demographics and also of diversity of experience. Even if we don’t cast you as a central performer, we still want to invite you to participate in the Community Voices part if you have something to share, and to drop trou for us if you’re feeling exhibitionistic! Just to be clear, the brief appearances won’t be paid in money; you’ll at least get a video. Central performers will be paid. Each person will need to sign a release and provide two forms of ID that includes your legal name — by law, you have to prove you’re over 18 even if you have sexy white hair and charming wrinkles.”

“If you’re interested in the explicit roles and you haven’t already done so, please send me a nude or nearly-nude pic of yourself. And please answer these questions thoughtfully and with as much detail as you wish to share, and return to me ASAP.

Please copy and email to Carol! (carol@carolqueen.com) … and sure, pass on to like-minded people if you wish!

1. 1. Have you appeared in sexually explicit movies before? Are you comfortable (naked and acting sexual) in front of a camera?
2. Would you say you’re an exhibitionist, and what does that mean to you?
3. Do you have a partner or friend you’d want to perform with, and/or are you up for being matched up with another person?
4. What kinds of sex do you most enjoy and feel proficient performing/experiencing?
5. What kinds of sexual situations would you NOT wish to experience in front of a camera — that is, for the purposes of this project, what are your limits?
6. Why do you want to do this?
7. What range of payment would you desire or expect for performing in an explicit sex ed movie?
8. Have you thought through the implications of doing explicit performance and feel comfortable that doing it won’t put you at risk in some important way? (Some potential kinds of risk you should be considering: child custody, your mom and dad seeing you on film – if you come from a family where that’d be an issue – your boss freaking out, your ability to run for office… Really, we only want you to do this if it won’t mess up your life.)
9. What movie topics do you think we should be planning to include in the series? (Yes, this amounts to naked brain-picking and turning you into my personal focus group. If you don’t wish to serve in this capacity, feel free to skip this question.)
10. Anything else you want to say while we’re communicating?

Thank you!! FYI, the first two projects will be shot over the next month.

DATES: TBD
LOCATION: Center for Sex & Culture, San Francisco, CA 94103

I’ll have more dates for you very soon… even if you consent, we’ll need the consent of your calendar, too!

Carol Queen
carol@carolqueen.com

Question: (A comment on our YouTube.com Channel)

Hi,

First of all, I want to thank you for your great channel and your awesome videos . Please keep them up and I’ll always be waiting for your new videos .

Secondly, I need a help and I really appreciate it if you could help me in that . I wanted to know how to know if my gf is a virgin unless the blood ? . Because I heard once that some girls don’t bleed inspite of being virgins . Could it be by seeing or …. !? . I’ll be so grateful if you helped .

Thanks alot
Momio

OK, this answer is for all you over-18 virgins and partners, because you under-18ers are not even reading this, and if you are, you should quickly change channels to Scarleteen. And soon, when you can vote, please pressure your elected representatives for better sex education. (Plus under-18ers are not allowed to do anything legally except be virgins. Remember?)

Virginity in this context, I believe, refers to penis-vagina intercourse, although there are a zillion ways to be virgins if you don’t take that as the definition–you’re a virgin, colloquially at least, around anything you’ve never done before. I’m a bungee-jumping virgin! This allows all of us to lose our virginities over and over, if we want. And since so many of us really need a do-over, this is fortunate.

Not all women bleed upon first intercourse, for a variety of reasons. In a culture where even young women have access to tampons, the hymen may have been stretched by using them; some kinds of exercise (including but not limited to masturbation) may have stretched a woman’s hymen enough so that it doesn’t cover the vaginal opening; and some females didn’t have much hymen tissue to begin with. So not every virgin bleeds, in spite of all the expectation that this is the Virginity Signal. Nor can you take a look at her hymen and know for sure. In truth, there is no such signal that will give you the unqualified information that a woman has never experienced vaginal penetration by something, much less by a penis.

About the only two things you can do are to trust what your partner says, and not care too much about whether it’s true. It might be a good idea to start with the second approach, since pressure from partners (or social systems) that find virginity to be super-important can give women a reason not to be truthful about this question. Indeed, in some contexts, a woman who admits she’s not a virgin faces rejection, humiliation, and even violence, and anyone participating in such a system has already given her a reason to hide any experience she might have. Whereas anyone saying “I love/desire you for you, and it doesn’t matter what you’ve done before we got together” has actually made it a lot easier and safer for her to be honest.

Speaking for all the ex-virgins (they didn’t elect me to do that, I’m just seizing this opportunity), many women find first intercourse to be a pretty intense, sometimes scary, sometimes painful situation, and one element of this can be the pressure to prove you’re a virgin even when you are. And while many young (as well as older) women find they love having intercourse, sometimes the first experience is not so great or is even terrible, and a woman who’s experienced it might really wish she really were still a virgin. Hearing judgment or pressure about whether she is will not make it any easier for her in either case, I can assure you. So I don’t suggest you might want to focus on all the reasons you want to be with her (rather than anything else that might have happened in her life before she met you) only to make the situation easier for you, but also easier for her — and by extension, this will make the experience better for both of you.

If the question is whether you should have protected, i.e. condomed intercourse with her, the answer doesn’t change regardless of whether she’s a virgin; the answer is yes. Correctly using a condom (including using water-based lubricant along with it) means you have one less reason to consider her virginity, she has one less reason to consider yours, and you both have less reason to worry how much your lives might be altered if she gets pregnant without that being part of your plans.

I hope this helps! Good luck!
–CQ

Question: OK, seriously. what’s the deal with cock rings? what is it supposed to do?

A cock ring does three or four things.

One, it dresses up your (or someone else’s) cock. Especially those involved ones with straps and things (which can also serve as a form of bondage, depending on how they’re used). Some guys use a ring just as a kind of fluffing tool — it makes even a soft cock partially full and makes it look bigger in a jockstrap, tight pants, etc. — so that even if the ring isn’t visible, it still adds to the visual appeal.

Two, it can serve as a means of clitoral stimulation during intercourse, depending on which ring you choose: the ones with little vibrators or soft bumps built onto them are designed specifically to do this.

Three, it can add to the wearer’s sensation — because a correctly-worn ring enhances engorgement, which enhances sensation. (How to correctly wear it? See below.)

And four, because a correctly-worn ring enhances engorgement, it can also add to the penis’s fullness and rigidity and to the duration of the erection. Before the days of Viagra and its kin, cock rings were the strategy of choice for many men who were concerned about a flagging or too-soft erection, or who wanted to experiment with staying harder longer.

A cock ring which is intended to have the above effects of engorgement, firmness, duration, and sensation needs to be worn as tightly as is comfortable; a loose ring won’t do these things. It is generally worn below the testicles against to body, so that when it’s on, the cock and balls are all part of the package. Put another way, it isn’t worn on the shaft alone – unless it’s the vibrating style, which is not designed to affect engorgement. In this case, the penis serves as a handy vibrator-carrying tool, and a dildo would function the same way with such a cock ring on it.

Cautions: If it hurts, it’s on too tightly (or is pinching the skin or snagging a pubic hair). Don’t wear it, especially at first, for a long time. Remember the language in the Viagra commercials about the need for medical treatment for an erection that lasts too long? Much as porno attempts to convince you otherwise, an erection is not designed to be maintained for hours on end. Guys who’ve learned to use cock rings well often loosen them and tighten them again if they want to wear them for longer than a half-hour or so — for this reason, the kind with several snaps is probably the most popular and time-honored, because it allows you to adjust tightness this way. Stretchy rubber rings can be good, too, especially the larger neoprene kind that aren’t too narrow. Metal rings are the most challenging to use; if a man can’t get out of a metal ring when he’s ready to lose his erection, it’s an emergency situation. Do you even want to know what they’ll do to get a stuck metal cock ring off? (This might be a good place to use that devil emoticon, because many people will NOT want to know the details of this often medically-necessary procedure. On the bright side, if the fire department comes, those guys [including the female ones] are often very sexy.)

–CQ

Related:

Cock Rings
About Cock Rings

Q: Are all women capable of squirting? A not so related note: are some women more prone to dryness than others? Or are they just not turned-on?

Oh, juicy question! Here we go, one element at a time:

We don’t know whether all women are capable of squirting (a.k.a. ejaculating). We don’t know this because the research on female ejaculation has been insufficient to allow sexologists and other interested parties to extrapolate from the experience of gals who squirt to those who don’t (at least, who haven’t yet). So far, the answer is: Maybe. Women’s ejaculate seems to derive from a comparable place to men’s: the prostatic tissue around the urethra, usually called just the prostate in men and either the G-spot or the prostata femina in women. (The latter term is its official name.) People in the “all women could ejaculate” camp point out that many women, once they learn about the G-spot and how to stimulate it, DO ejaculate, and argue that as far as we know, everyone has this tissue. Cautionary voices say that even if every woman has prostatic tissue (and frankly, we’re not yet positive about that), there may be differences like, maybe, hormonal levels that lead some women’s to be better developed, others’ more vestigial. See? A qualified “maybe”!

That we’re not scientifically sure should not stop women and their partners from going G-spot hunting and trying to stimulate it to the point of ejaculation — if you do it right, you’ll probably enjoy the hunt even if it doesn’t seem to yield anything but pleasure. The basics: lube, curved fingers or toy, and more pressure than usual. She must be aroused — otherwise the pressure may just feel irritating. The area to stimulate is 2-4 inches into the vagina, on the top if she’s lying on her back — that is, behind the clitoris. The ejaculation response may not happen the first time; when it does, it is often heralded by pressure that feels much like the need to pee. Ejaculation isn’t always linked to orgasm but often is — another reason she has to be turned on for this experiment to succeed. Simple pressure may not work; firm stroking is a favored technique. You might want to put a towel on the bed.

Then speaking of arousal and vaginal dryness…

Yes, some women lubricate way less than others, and any women may lubricate less under stressful conditions, if she’s smoking pot, if she’s on allergy meds, and at different times in her cycle. When she hits menopause she is likely to get less wet. Having her favorite brand of lube around is always good. But dryness can also signal a lack of arousal, either because stimulation hasn’t gone on long enough for her particular needs, or because it’s the wrong stimulation, the wrong time, or the wrong circumstances: here I use the word “wrong” as shorthand for “it isn’t working for her right now.” If you’re in a sexual situation with a woman (or you ARE that woman) who isn’t getting wet, ask her how she usually responds and whether she needs something different than what she’s getting. It’s also a good idea for every woman to pay some attention to this part of their sexual experience so as to have an idea about her own norms and fluctuations. That way, if anyone asks her if she usually gets wetter than she is at that moment, she’ll know.

Tweet!

CQ

Q: Partner is on antidepressants. Whilst turned on, she can’t now come w/ oral sex. Is this normal? Ways to overcome? Use vibe with sex at mo.

While I don’t like the word “normal” much (there’s such a range of things that are “normal” — or average, common, healthy, etc. — that the word sometimes gets in the way of answering a question), in your partner’s case I can say yes, it’s pretty normal for antidepressants to have a problematic effect on orgasm. This is one of the common side effects of the SSRI class of meds in particular. You’ve already discovered one useful work-around: add stronger stimulation. The vibrator can help during partner sex as well as solo. And without involving her physician, you can try sex at different times of the day/evening to see whether her med schedule and energy level results in one time of day when arousal and orgasm are more easily achieved.

Otherwise, she should ask her doctor about “drug holidays” and possible other medications that she could substitute for whatever she’s currently taking. A drug holiday works by stopping the meds for a day or so, letting the chemical levels go down a bit, and then taking advantage of this for a libido-fest. This is more successful for some people than others, and some drugs lend themselves more to this strategy (some have such long half-lives that you can barely get a different response because you have to wait too long for the side effects to wane). While various antidepressant drugs affect different people in varying ways, Wellbutrin is one that has a better-than-average reputation for maintaining libido, so perhaps her physician will OK her to try that. Please note, though, that she shouldn’t change meds, stop taking them, or even do a drug holiday without checking with her doctor. These chemicals tend to have pretty hellacious withdrawal symptoms. Next to that level of emotional and physical disruption, keeping a vibrator by the bed seems like an easy fix indeed.

Best of luck to you both!

–CQ

Q: Headaches w/ orgasms? It’s been getting worse, & now distracts from the orgasm every time. Anything that can be done?

Oh, owww! Headache with orgasm is pretty much no fun at all, and is more common than you might think. I conferred with my partner Dr. Robert (formerly known as The Chiropractor You Can Tell How You Really Hurt Your Back) on your behalf, and here’s the gist of our knowledge. First, headache is often vascular and/or associated with body tension, two things that are likely to change with sexual arousal. Headache can also be associated with brain chemistry — another thing that arousal is likely to change! So let’s break this out a little.

When you’re getting close to orgasm, what’s happening with your body? What position are you in? Are you masturbating, say, with great focus, speed, and a lot of muscle tension? Are you tensing up a lot during partner sex, ripping the sheets off the bed and curling up or arching back? These would indicate high levels of muscle tension. (Dr. Robert once diagnosed a guy whose severe neck pain got worse when he got close to orgasm — the guy eventually admitted he did crystal meth and masturbated for hours all hunched up. Tina does raise a person’s tension levels. Not suggesting that’s what’s up in your case… just saying.)

And what about your breathing? Are you holding your breath, or breathing very fast?
Either of those can change the oxygen level of your blood, and either hyper- or hypo-oxygenation might result in headache.

How’s your blood pressure, in general? That’s one indication of your vascular health, though it’s possible the doc has never gotten out the blood pressure cuff when you’re just about to come.

Speaking of docs, go see one, if you can – preferably a migraine specialist. Make sure you tell her or him the part about the orgasm — don’t be shy. It’s possible such a doctor might be able to prescribe something that will ease those symptoms, and if it’s true (as some suspect) that these headaches may be related to migraine, a specialist is likely to be better informed about this situation than a GP.

Finally, to test whether breath and tension may be playing a part, try an experiment when you have some time on your hands: masturbate very slowly and languidly, taking all the time you need to build up to orgasm without any of the tension that you might usually experience. Make sure you breath deeply but regularly. Stay as relaxed as you possibly can. Most people find it takes a while to get used to orgasm-seeking without any speed or tension, but it’s important in your case — you’re getting information about whether the headache hits you even if you’re doing absolutely nothing physical (that is, tension-, breath-, or position-wise) to induce it. This will be useful information to tell the doctor and may help with diagnosis. Good luck!

–CQ

Q: Hello, I am a lesbian and have been having sex with woman since i was 16. I’ve given a lot of oral sex and make other women reach orgasm but ive never been able to. ive tried masterbating…but i cant seem to reach the release. i get it build up and build up but i never actually have an orgasm. from oral sex ive reached the same conclusion. please Dr. Carol, how can i have an orgasm before i go insane.
Sincerely,
Unsatisfied in Santa Cruz (via Facebook)

Oh, this one is a red-alert question! We definitely don’t want you going insane. You say you’ve masturbated, but have you tried a vibrator? That can give you a kind of strong, sustained stimulation that is hard to achieve from a partner’s mouth or sometimes even your own hand. You might want to check out the vibrator that’s so popular it has its own Twitter feed, the Hitachi Magic Wand. It might also be a good idea to examine your understanding of arousal and orgasm… some women, for instance, take quite a long time to build up to climax, and stop stimulation before they get there. Have a look at the informational book section at the Good Vibes site to see if any of the offerings look interesting: for instance, I Love Female Orgasm might give you extra knowledge you can use. Or maybe you’re more into video and want to learn from the master, Dr. Betty Dodson, whose informational videos many women have relied on to find the big O.

Another trick to try with your partner is adding to the kind of stimulation you get when you’re orgasm-hunting. With oral, add vaginal or anal play, or nipple fondling or pinching, whatever you like — this can be done with toys or your lover’s (or your own) roaming hands. Or add erotic movies or other stimulation to the mix. If there are fantasy scenarios you’ve seen in movies or read about in erotic stories, see if your lover wants to play those kind of games with you. Add to the stimulation so as to bypass that point you always reach now, where you can’t get over the top.

Above all, stay in your body and not in your head. Many women lose momentum toward orgasm by hunting for it too consciously… they basically think their way out of a physical response by worrying about whether it will happen this time. Avoid this kind of “monkey mind” by staying erotically busy — being focused on the sensations in your body. If you think you need something harder, slower, to the left, or whatever, ask for it. It might not happen right away, but I bet it’ll happen… possibly when you are not at all expecting it. Good luck!

–CQ

Q: my sex question- how do I get some? I mean, with someone I actually find sexually attractive!

Ha! Well, there *is* this little phenomenon called “the sex industry” which evolved to address this prevailing question. Perhaps you’ve heard of it! While not every provider will be one you’ll find attractive, some are likely to fill whatever individual bill you happen to have.

Also popular venues for “getting some” are relationships and some frisky elements of the sexuality communities. In either case, I trust you’ll know when you meet someone you find sexually attractive; in the context of relationship-seeking, especially, there are other levels of personal compatibility that you will need to take into account. And in either of these settings you will need to consider what kind of sex you’re into and whether your intended partner is into a comparable or compatible thing; and whether the person to whom you are attracted also finds *you* attractive.

To get the first part, compatibility, taken care of, it’s good for you to know what you want to do, or at least have a good idea about things you’d like to try. Then you need to look for compatibility clues (which can be a process fraught with vagueness and misinterpretation, so I don’t recommend it very highly), or better yet be able to communicate clearly about your desires. This is vitally important going into relationships, where more than just an evening or a weekend can be screwed up when communication isn’t clear and compatibility isn’t established.

To consider the second part, sometimes it helps to find a friend who knows you pretty well, and ask them to go over with you things that might prevent someone from being attracted to you. They will speak from their own perspective, of course, but may be able to help you look more clearly at the way you dress, groom, communicate, carry yourself — in general, the way you come off to people when you meet them, at that time that people (consciously or not) are asking themselves how interesting you are to them and in what ways. If you get feedback that you think might really make a difference, consider trying out some changes based on it: haircut, new clothes, over-shy or over-aggressive communication or flirt style, etc.

Since I mentioned flirting, do you do it? Is it successful? If you said yes but no, it’s possible you’re sending anti-attractive messages with your flirt style: coming on too strong, etc. Also — this came up in a conversation with an attractive woman the other day — some attractive people notice that certain folks zero in on them to flirt, but treat less attractive people around them much less well, and this does not inspire desire in them. There are workshops you can take about flirting — LaSara FireFox does one in the Bay Area occasionally, as do Celeste and Danielle, and Francesca Gentille (whose perspective is influenced by her Tantra studies).

Best of luck, and hopefully something here will turn a key for you!
–CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
Good Vibrations After Hours Sex Ed Workshops
- San Francisco Bay Area
- Brookline, MA

Ultimate Tricks To Please A Man Kit
Ultimate Tricks To Please A Woman Kit
He Comes Next: Thinking Woman’s Guide…
http://magazine.goodvibes.com/?p=2208 Dr. Carol Queen answers questions from our social networks.

Dental Dam Info
Dental Dam 8 X 6
Hot Dam Non-Latex

I was wondering… why does it feel good when my bladder is full? Is it pressing on my g-spot? I’ll even start and stop my flow during urination because it feels so good, nearly orgasmic. Why does this feel good? My body is a mystery to me.

Thank you!
Curious Pee-er

Hmmm… it sounds to me like the Miracle of Nerves! There’s considerable variation in our neurology, as well as in the way we respond to sensation. Hence, what feels noticeable but neutral to one person might feel quite delightful to another; and someone might have much better-developed nerves serving a part of the body than someone else. As we use our bodies for various activities, nerves actually grow to support the use: that helps us get better at throwing a softball or knitting a sweater, and it helps us more easily reach orgasm once we’ve stumbled onto the stimulatory path that gets us off. So my guess is that your “sensorium” – your neurology and the way your brain interprets those neural signals – has always been tuned more toward appreciation of the pee sensation, and your start-stop play (and any extra stimulation you give your bladder during masturbation, like bearing down, pressing on it physically, etc.) would help reinforce this tendency to derive pleasure, plus it would also support further nerve growth. Pretty soon you have a full-blown erotic relationship to your full bladder… just as other people have an *anti*-erotic response because their nerves send a different message.
Your sense that this all has something to do with your G-spot might be right, but doesn’t tell the whole story, because not everyone has this degree of erotic response to a full bladder even if they have an active G-spot. I’d be curious about how long you’ve noticed this pleasure to be part of your experience and whether you felt special pleasure in a full bladder and peeing even before you began to think of it as erotic – and also how this interacts with more common kinds of erotic pleasure like clitoral or vaginal stimulation. These things might have some relationship to each other – or not. Bodies! So anomalous, so wonderful!
If there are any neurology buffs out there who want to weigh in, by all means feel free.

-CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot
Multi-Orgasmic Woman * Paperback
Female Ejaculation And The G-Spot