Good Vibrations Magazine

The best sex I ever had was definitely -  not a few things.
It was not with my first girlfriend. Back then she was all closed eyes and clenched fists and I was stumbling around like a coal miner without a light on his helmet following my idiot best friend’s advice to just lick the alphabet.

The [...]

A few months ago I had to buy a mattress. There are many things to consider. Do you want a traditional mattress with springs or space age foam that lets you sleep on your keys. Why you would want to sleep on your keys I do not know but they use this as a selling point.

I know we all played this game as kids. But even in my latency period I wished for x-ray vision to see beneath the clothes of my second grade love, Jessica. She had such lovely brown hair. And I loved the way her corduroy overalls fell over her Mary Janes. But I digress. Kaya’s version was a very adult game. For example, Kaya wanted the ability to give people a sense of humor. She theorized that with this power she could render Hipsters extinct. Think about it, have you ever seen a Hipster laugh?

An orgasm is rather like nothingness. It is all encompassing. When you are there it is impossible to do anything, to think anything. All that exists is the orgasm. In being total it also equates to nothing.

There is no world. There is no partner. There is barely even a you. In that moment there is just the orgasm: just force, and life, and emptiness.

Mr. Ping was so preoccupied with worry that the mother would ask to take his coat he didn’t hear the high pitched yelp from inside. Then he saw it, a schnauzer hopping up and down. The dog ran over to Mr. Ping and leapt on his leg. The Soviet cologne was working its strange magic.

There are times I wish I were a gay man. Some of the stories make it seem like it would be great fun. Sitting on a corner in the city one day a gay friend of mine admitted certain parts of it are great. “I could walk over there right now and get a blowjob if I wanted.” As a straight man all I can say to that is – Really? Sweet!

Another set of definitions for your reading pleasure. “Mercury in Retrograde, phrase. An astrological term denoting the four times a year when everything is going to hell but it’s not your fault; it’s because Mercury is going backwards. The relief one feels at this news lightens the heart and makes one happy to pay the bearer of the news.”

In the end it’s all about walking around with your cock out. That’s what this Burning Man was about. And I think it saved me.
It all began when I swung my leg over my bike. I heard a small tear happen in the crotch of my very thin, very favorite pants. Whatev, it’s Burning Man. [...]

Angelina Jolie is delectable, Diane Lane just divine, Pamela’s oh so fuckable, Jaime Pressley makes me opine, Britney’s body casts a spell, Halle Berry is fit for Apollo, But only one woman could send me to hell, For no one makes me want like Alyssa Milano

Prince is on the left, right below penis. (The P in Prince actually stands for penis.) I saw him at Madison Square Garden once. He spent two hours teasing the audience with the opening piano bars of Darling Nikki before actually playing it: one man, 20,000 people, two hours of foreplay and the world’s largest simultaneous orgasm.

Have you ever hurt yourself while masturbating? I have.
There you are right in the heat of it, hand thrashing, dog licking… No, wait, that’s for a different website.
So there you are right in the heat of it, hand thrashing, toes curling, and you can tell this is going to be a good one; especially if [...]

I came upon it unexpectedly, somehow forgetting what day it was.
There were girls exposing the stars painted on their breasts. There were buff beefcakes, hairless and shiny, wearing bright blue boy shirts to show off the bulge.
Then there was the sculpted boytoy with surfer shorts hanging halfway down his bubble-toned ass; all of it accompanied [...]

I had trouble masturbating last night. It’s funny how that happens.
A good session usually begins for me earlier in the day, often on the street. Not masturbating on the street mind you, as that would be vulgar. It’s also illegal; maybe not in San Francisco but in most other places.
What I meant to say was [...]

What’s it like to have a penis? I get asked that a lot, and not always by women.
There’s no single answer. My relationship with my dangling self, like all healthy relationships, has evolved over time. We have grown and changed together, staying up late, swapping stories.
I must say it is undeniably fun to have a [...]

Seeing as people enjoyed the first set of definitions I thought I would o a few more. I will begin with Charlie Glickman’s addition added as a comment at the bottom of the last piece.
Manifest, v. To ask the universe (and everyone around you) for something over and over again until you get it.
Open Relationship, [...]

In the late 1800’s a devilish man with the devilish name Ambrose Bierce began composing a dictionary of satirical definitions. These definitions were later collected and published under the title “The Devil’s Dictionary”.
He was, if nothing else, a misanthrope, as can be seen in the following examples.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste more interested [...]

Barack Obama has throw down, and some people on the left don’t like it.
When he was a candidate I mused upon Barack’s sexual flirtation with the country. After America’s eight years of being tied-up and ball-gagged by W. what kind of a lover was Obama promising to be?
At the time I noted [...]

There are many wonderful men in the Bay Area – and not all of them are gay.
On any given weekend in San Francisco there are at least five or six decent straight men. You can see three of them on Sundays pushing strollers with their wives in Golden Gate Park.
As for those last [...]

A penis needs context. I know mine does.
There are some women who don’t seem to understand this. Some women are under the impression that all men will leap to attention when in the presence of a naked woman. One woman I know refers to this as hard at first sight.
No doubt there are some men [...]

My good friend Brianna asked me to write an essay concerning the positive aspects of the Great Recession. When I say aspects, plural, Brianna really only means aspect, singular.
And what is this singular positive aspect of our Great Recession? The Dong Perch.
To quote Brianna, “Cause there’s no work it can be the middle of the [...]

Harbin Hot Springs is one of the most wonderful places in the world. You jump from the really hot pool to the really cold pool and back again until your body turns to rubber and slides into the warm pool and its like the earth is giving you a hug.
And of course there are all [...]

I must confess to a deception. Not one of gravity but a deceit none-the-less. I am not the true author of these essays.
Though I wish I could claim the sheer audacity of thought, the words you have been enjoying have been those of one John Thursday. You will find his picture [...]

I would like to share a story with you all told to me by my good friend Mr. Ping.
His name is actually just Ping but one stoned night in college we added the Mr. thinking it made him sound like a James Bond villain. Mr. Ping is the first-born son in his [...]

They’re out there, shirt cockers.
I don’t know if it’s a Burning Man phenomenon. Perhaps it has gone global. But for one week a year Black Rock Desert is most assuredly the shirt cocking capital of the world.
What is shirt cocking? Ah, you lucky uninitiated, to know not the likes of shirt cocking. To have never [...]

How fondly I recall my ménage a trois’: the quiet conspiracy, the jealous glances, Dusty Springfield on the stereo.

Yet, I have never had a ménage a trois, for ménage a trois’ have been rechristened. One night, when no one was looking, they became three-ways.

Some fool stole a hyphen, added a number and voila, a house of three became a conference call, romance became business.

It may seem like a small thing, but for such a physical pleasure, our sexual delights are all about language.