If you’re anything like me, one of these groupings may not sound quite right. I’ll give you a hint which: it’s the one that involves an object designed to be inserted into a sensitive, erogenous orifice and a material that’s known for, among other things, its tendency to break into razor-sharp shards.

I’ll admit: in general, fragile things and me make poor, er, bedfellows. In fact, if there was a career for someone who regularly breaks household glassware, I’d be on the fast track to becoming an industry star. So with that perspective, when I first heard about burgeoning glass sex toy businesses as they began sprouting up a few years ago, I winced. And when our buyers at Good Vibrations decided to begin carrying some of these unique toys, I was initially skeptical. Sight unseen, these toys sounded relatively expensive, fragile, and so unlike anything else we carry, that I couldn’t imagine they’d be in-demand items.

And then I got a look at some of the toys, namely the Nova, Eclipse and Andromeda. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. They were fun to simply hold. They felt smooth, pleasingly heavy and the swirled streaks of color made them distractingly beautiful. My skepticism faltered. Just because something may not sound right at first, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong. After all, there was probably a time when cotton underwear or silk pajamas were considered blasphemous, right?

Anyway, as the describer of the toys (or “copy writer” as most would call this aspect of my job), I needed to figure out why customers would want these toys. Sure, they’re beautiful, but why glass? And what about potential (gulp) breakage?

The answer to the “why glass sex toys?” question is simple: Glass is nonporous and inert, meaning that cleaning and sterilizing it is extraordinarily easy, and with the proper care a glass toy can last forever. Glass offers firm, weighted pressure to those magic spots, namely the G-spot and prostate. Finally, after simple heating and cooling steps, a glass toy can retain a temperature for 10-25 minutes of use.

As for breakage, glass toy distributor Dave Caraker said that in his experience, “it’s never happened. There’s a pretty rigorous quality control in place — [the toy artists] have a machine that checks the stress on all the pieces. The artist does visual inspection for flaws, and my partner and I inspect the toys for flaws once they come to use as well. It’s similar to Corning Pyrex glass — it’s super hard. You’d have to try pretty deliberately to break the glass, and even then it wouldn’t be easy.” In fact, part of the toy-making process involves annealing each toy at a high temperature — 1050 degrees — to ensure durability.

Even though they’re hard to break, a glass toy owner should handle these toys carefully and use common sense. Keep the toys stored in a cushioned place, ideally where they won’t roll around or strike other hard objects. Do not let glass toys bump or clank into each other. Some of the toys we sell, such as the Nebula and Spectrum, come with a padded velvet bag designed especially for safe storage. Avoid impact with another hard material such as glass or concrete. Never expose the toy to overly stressful temperatures such as a freezer, microwave or boiling water. (Submerge the toy in ice water or warm water for approximately 20-30 minutes to adjust the temperature.) If you think your toy has experienced any of the “do nots” mentioned above, inspect your toy closely before use.

Caraker, who along with his partner Nathan Weber distributes several toys designed exclusively for Good Vibrations, described how each toy is hand crafted. The toy maker starts with a rod of glass and puts in on a lathe, “a device in which you put a tube horizontally, and spin at high RPMs. It’s like a potter’s wheel but it’s oriented horizontally.”

As the tube spins, the maker uses “rods and a blowtorch to make the basic shape,” the way a potter uses his or her hands to create a smooth, consistent shape on a piece of pottery. To get the color streaks, “smaller rods of colored glass are heated and applied to the clear part. It’s very cool to watch. There’s a huge flame coming out of the torch,” Caraker added.

From there, the toy “is put in a kiln and fired at a high temperature to create a strong seal. Then it cools, and after that you can take the piece back and add more to it for texture. Simpler shapes can take maybe an hour or two; some more complicated pieces can take hours and hours to finish.”

Looking at the toys Caraker and Weber distribute, such as the Nova, Eclipse, Comet and Andromeda, you can imagine how the toys are made. Each ridge and texture comes from applying rods to the hot, spinning glass. Each piece seems to be painted with a streaks of colors — the smaller rods melting into the clear glass.

Phallix, considered by many to be the industry’s premier glass dildo maker, creates the Nebula and Spectrum dildos (along with a many others). One look at these toys and you can see how they’ve earned their reputation. “The techniques we use are common and well-known,” said Phallix’s Michael Douglass. “They just take really skilled people to do them well, and we hire the best.”

Look closely at the Nebula. Its colors form a 3-D twisted version of the outer clear, smooth surface of the dildo. This technique is called lattachino. In it, the glass artist takes colored glass rods and melts them into a twisted, braided shape. “Imagine if you take three crayons and you melt them together into a braid,” said Douglass. “If you look at [the Nebula], you can imagine how it happens.” The outer smooth, clear part is then annealed around the twisted colors.

The Spectrum is a clear, smooth dildo with a thick, ribbon-like ridge of colorful iridescent glass wrapped around its shaft. According to Douglas, the “ribbon” is actually a Dicroic wrap, a material created by the manufacturer by boiling metal oxides and precious stones. “The vapors and steam are applied to glass a very high heat and allowed to cool in a thin film,” Douglass said. The shimmery, light-catching bits are essentially tiny particles from the oxides and precious stones. The result? A one-of-a-kind, beautiful piece of artwork.

Ok, I’m ready to give it another try: Glass. Sex toys. You know, it’s starting to sound like a brilliant match.

Sarah Burgundy is the Catalog Manager at Good Vibrations. She’s proud to say that she’s set a new record, and gone four months without breaking any glassware in her apartment.

Yet, in the U.S., we house nearly two million older folks in nursing homes, and somehow expect that the next bingo or family visit is at the forefront of their minds. While the media have recently debunked common misconception that sexual desire “shuts off” at a certain age, the fact that nursing home residents seek and enjoy physical contact with each other still seems to be a well-kept secret. Renee Beard, a PhD student in San Francisco who focuses on elder care in skilled nursing facilities (SNFs) reports that “Sex happens far more often in SNFs than anyone wants to admit.”

Beard has been conducting research as part of her studies in SNFs for approximately seven years, and in that time estimates she’s walked in on nursing home residents “in full action” around a half a dozen times, with a few dozen of what she describes as “close encounters.” “One couple I knew who had sex often would only shut the door when they wanted privacy, so I’d never attempt to enter if the door was shut.”

Most residents aren’t so fortunate to have such a convenient set-up. “Hey, just because I’m 75, doesn’t mean I don’t want to get laid. But how? There’s no place to go, we both have goddamn roommates,” says William, a Utica, NY nursing home resident on a web site devoted to information on nursing homes. Beard recalls an incident in which a wheelchair-bound gentleman expressed his frustration about lack of privacy. He was considerably younger — in his 50s — than his 80-something girlfriend, but both clearly had the cogency to consent. After the couple had lengthy discussions with the staff, the staff arranged for time for the couple in a private room, where they hoisted the man, fully clothed, onto the bed and left them to themselves. While the couple finally was afforded the combination of privacy and assistance they sought, “it was like scheduling a conference room,” Beard said. “Spontaneity was essentially impossible.”

Spontaneity isn’t the biggest problem that a typical frisky SNF resident faces — for heterosexual female residents, there simply aren’t enough men in the nursing homes. According to a study taken in 1999, approximately 74% of nursing home residents are women, making the pool for eligible heterosexual partners slim. Say a fortunate female resident finds a male partner, and manages to acquire the privacy for intimacy, safer sex supplies are not likely to become part of the transaction. Because staff, family and administration at SNFs assume older people don’t have sex (or turn a blind eye when they see that they do), they further assume that they aren’t at risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs). In Beard’s experience, typical SNF residents “do not have access to condoms, lubricant or other safer sex supplies, but they also don’t have the education/outreach associated with it.” Furthermore, older patients are still from a generation that generally shies away talking about sex with doctors — and, according to a TIME magazine article from January 2004, many doctors, assuming their older patients aren’t having sex, won’t bring the topic up with them.

With Baby Boomers beginning to reach retirement and beyond, nursing home facilities will likely find that they need to adjust how they understand and allow for sex in the homes. “Most of the staff preferred to pretend [that sexual activity] did not happen or thought it was wrong,” said Beard. “Absolutely no training, in my experience, is aimed at handling sexual activity among residents.” Nursing home administrators may find, however, they are treading a perilous line in acknowledging and encouraging sex between residents.

How can nursing home staff assess whether sexual activity in the home is consensual or not, especially when residents with Alzheimers and other impaired mental states are involved? While Beard estimates that most of the activity in the homes she’s witnessed has been consensual, she notes that “it’s difficult to label consensual activity. If someone appeared distressed, [the situation] was always addressed immediately — although this was managed in-house and families were never informed. And overall, most staff felt such discomfort at finding people having sex that they would simply leave the room without making any such assessment of consent.”

Many American facilities are starting to train workers on how to handle walking in on amorous situations, according to a December 2003 Newsweek article, but the problem remains of discerning whether both parties are consenting. The line between allowing autonomy for the residents and protecting them can be blurred and entail a huge liability for the home. According to the article, a Seattle home paid nearly half a million dollars in settlement to the children of an 86-year-old woman, suffering from dementia, who was allegedly sexually assaulted by a similarly impaired male resident. The result of such litigation may result in facilities explicitly prohibiting sexual activity, or staff simply not reporting it. In Beard’s experience, “most staff I’ve encountered will not report such incidences [even nonconsensual] unless the nonconsenting person is upset or capable of telling others, it is a repetitive thing or someone is seen to be a perpetrator of gratuitous sex with multiple partners.”

The solution to this issue, however, clearly does not lie in SNF staff ignoring the sexual activity they encounter. If SNFs are truly taking steps in setting up policies and training for staff in how to handle sexual activity, that’s a first step. However, for SNF residents to truly enjoy the freedom to explore their desires — as well as protection from sexual abuse in these facilities — their children and doctors need to realize that these older folks still have sexual desires. Parents don’t like to think about their kids having sex when they go off to college, but deep down, they know it’s likely that they are. It’s time to apply that same logic to Mom or Dad at the home.

Editor’s note: Good Vibrations is not responsible for the content of external Internet sites.

I recall the moment vividly — I was watching the show with friends, and we’d been making sarcastic comments on the cheesiness of the show. This moment struck the room speechless. Finally, my friend Phil spoke up. “Somewhere, there’s a Dad wiping a tear from his eye and saying proudly, ‘There’s my little girl, spreading her legs for the world at the Super Bowl.’”

The next day, I didn’t hear a thing about a crass, classless half-time performance. No mention of the hundreds of Jon-Benets was made, at least through any of the major news channels as far as I could tell.

Not so with the 1.7 seconds of skin at this year’s show. What fascinated me most of all has been the response. First, came the “Was it an accident?” speculation. Timberlake and Jackson swore they didn’t intend for full exposure, but journalists everywhere dissected the moment, from the Timberlake’s suggestive lyrics, choreographed movements to Jackson’s strategically placed nipple piercing. Finally, yes, it turned out they had planned the move, but thought the costume would leave a red lace bra behind.

Then came the furor from the FCC, vowing to get to the bottom of the incident. Chairman Michael Powell said, “I am outraged… like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation’s children, parents and citizens deserve better.” Other commissioners voiced their opinions. Kathleen Q. Abernathy was “shocked and dismayed… particularly during an event that families and children watch together, Americans should not have to tolerate such a gratuitous display of nudity.” Commissioner Michael J. Copps chimed in that he “bet there are millions like me who wonder why parents wanting to watch an all-American sports show with their children have to worry about what’s coming on their screen next.” (Interestingly, none of the FCC members considered the millions of non-Americans and their families watching the game in their statements, but that’s fodder for another article.)

From what I saw of Sunday’s presentation, Janet Jackson’s breast was one of the least dismaying, crass and deplorable elements involved. It’s a woman’s body part. Sure, woman can get pleasure from their breasts, but for the most part the sexual connotations and obsessive behavior surrounding them stem from the media and society. The NFL certainly can be credited with helping objectify breasts. Commissioner Paul Tagliabue issued a statement saying “The show was offensive, inappropriate and embarrassing to us and our fans.” Hasn’t he watched one of his own games? I can’t think of a camera shot of a cheerleader that doesn’t include her breasts. There’s the from-the-ground shot, catching the base of her breasts and her perky chin as she cheers. Then there’s the side angle (especially good for capturing nice bouncy boobs as the cheerleader hops up and down). And who can resist the in-your-face shot, as the camera catches the cheerleader fully frontal as she looks at the camera, and mouths platitudes to her home team over her heaving cleavage. If any organization helped make cheerleading the soft-core obsession it is today (stemming from the 1970s fascination with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders), I’d think the NFL tops the list.

CBS (in a statement that cryptically referred to “incident that occurred during the Super Bowl halftime show”) noted that the moment did not fit into their broadcast standards. Yet they aired commercial after commercial of Mike Ditka frankly discussing his erectile difficulties. They showed an ad in which the punchline involved a horse explosively farting onto a woman holding a candle. When Powell gathered his family “around the television for a celebration,” I wonder how these commercials fit into that warm and fuzzy family moment. How is it that the brief, incidental exposure of a woman’s breast can be termed as such but a man discussing a drug treatment that allows him to keep his erection longer is not?

I visited the FCC web site in hopes they could answer my question. Sure enough, they specify what it considers to be obscene and indecent programming. According their guidelines:

It is a violation of federal law to broadcast obscene or indecent programming… To be obscene, material must meet a three-prong test: (1) an average person, applying contemporary community standards, must find that the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest; (2) the material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and (3) the material, taken as a whole, must lack serious literary, artistic, political,or scientific value.

Ah, the, uh, three-prong test. It’s all completely clear. Thanks, FCC.

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As of this article’s posting, I’m not the first to point out the hypocrisy of the furor surrounding the Boobgate. (Check out an especially eloquent comment on the NFL’s apparent breast obsession.) However, I hope (against hope) that I’m not the last. Let’s not forget: breasts are nice. They don’t have to be sexual. Sometimes, skin is just skin, parts are just parts. Janet Jackson’s right breast exposed to us for 1.7 seconds, on its own, likely had little direct effect on impressionable game viewers. The effect from the hysteria from CBS, the NFL, FCC, media and advertisers? Priceless.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I learned to love Valentine’s Day again — and I think living in San Francisco, a city that uses literally every holiday as an excuse to dress up and go out, has helped. Sure, it’s got more than its fair share of candlelit restaurants, swanky hotel suites, chocolatiers and florists. But it’s also got more creative, alternative and very naughty Valentine’s events than you can shake a whip at. Whether you’ve got a steady Valentine, are nursing a crush or are on the lookout for your next sweetie, check out these events to at a little spice to an otherwise too-sweet day.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Love on Wheels: San Francisco Bicycle Coalition’s Pre-Valentine’s Day Bash
Café du Nord, Market Street near Church
6-9 pm

Are bicyclists better lovers? Find out for yourself at this popular event sponsored by the San Francisco Bicycle Coalition. Kitten on the Keys will provide saucy bike songs to accompany the Love on Wheels Dating Game, where a lucky few will get a chance to date local celebrities including an adult film star and athletic bike racers via a question-and-answer game akin to the television game show. This party is free for SFBC members, and just $7 for non-members.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Good Vibrations After Hours Presents the Romance of Restraint
Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk Street
8-10 pm

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, beloved Bay Area professional dominant Mistress Morgana (star of Whipsmart) returns to teach the basics of bondage and the psychology of physical restraint. This popular beginner’s class covers safety, wrist and ankle cuffs, body harnesses, useful knots and tips for incorporating household objects into your play.

Everyone is welcome to this class, which costs $25. It’s a popular one, and pre-registration is suggested.

Friday, February 13, 2004
San Francisco Sex Information Presents the 10th Annual My Sucky Valentine
The San Francisco Citadel
245 8th Street (between Howard & Folsom)
Doors at 7 pm, show at 8 pm

Sour grapes, bitter chocolates and good writers on bad sex and tainted love combine for this event sponsored by San Francisco Sex Information. GV staffer and event founder Thomas Roche will MC the steamy, hot, sweaty readings and performances by the top erotic writers, burlesque dancers, varied adult dancers to the delectable beats of DJ Mermaid.

According to Roche, this popular annual event is “intended to be a humorous exploration of all the ways sex and love can be humiliating, degrading, frustrating and infuriating — not to mention hilarious, bizarre and inspiring by their very perversion. I find it incredibly empowering to talk about all this stuff onstage, and many of the readers have expressed the same feeling.

“Basically, in hosting this reading series I’m trying to both celebrate sex for sex’s sake and lampoon the very idea of romance. Plus, I’m just trying to make people laugh and — perhaps most importantly — give people something to enjoy about Valentine’s Day whether or not they’re happily partnered, unhappily partnered, happily single or unhappily single. Or anything in between.”

Along with the readings, check out the adult-themed silent auction going on throughout the evening with goods from the likes you can only imagine.

The cover is $10 to $20 sliding scale (no one turned away due to the current economy). Any donation to SFSI at MSV X of $25 gets you in free to the event and $40 gets you two free MSV X passes. All donations are fully tax deductible, as is any silent auction purchase.. All proceeds go to support the programs of San Francisco Sex Information

Saturday, February 14
Artwork SF Presents the Seventh Annual One Night Stand
A celebration of the human body and an exploration of sexuality through nude, erotic and fetish art.
Hotel Cosmo, 761 Post St (at Jones)
6-9pm

It may be only one night, but it’s got it all! View the erotic art exhibit and sale, listen in on erotic fiction and poetry readings, check out the films and live music, and get more than an eyeful of the artists paint wrestling. SFSI is sponsoring the theme rooms (ongoing demonstrations and information) “Sex Confessional,” “S&M/Sensual Power Play,” and “Talk Dirty To Me.” Costumes are encouraged, and you can bring back a memento of the evening via the special photo rooms and photographers.

One Night Stand costs $10 for advance tickets. Some of the event proceeds will benefit San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI). To RSVP and to receive Special Preview Invitation, go to: ArtworkSF.com.

Saturday, February 14, 2004
Writers with Drinks Spoken Word Variety Show
The Make-Out Room 3225 22nd. St (near Mission)
7-10 pm

Hosted and vamped by the irreverent Charlie Anders, this spoken word event calls itself “the cocktail of colloquy, the remix of rhetoric… literary meat mixed with dairy.” Writers from all walks — literary fiction, stand-up comedy, romance, erotica, science fiction, rants, non-fiction, poetry, mystery and “other” come together for one night of raucous reading. This event features Roxxie Rosen (Girljock), Oui Be Negroes , Tim’m T. West (Red Dirt, Deep Dickollective) and Pam Rosenthal (Almost a Gentleman, The Bookseller’s Daughter).

Pony up just $3 -$5 (sliding scale) at the door. Proceeds benefit Other Magazine.

Not up for going out? Stop by Good Vibrations to stock up on the best supplies for staying in. We put together dozens of kits to help you get the most out of your Valentine’s Day, whether you’re sharing it with someone or just pampering yourself.

In any case, no matter how you feel about Valentine’s Day, be good to yourself. As Thomas Roche eloquently put it, “there’s as much pain as pleasure in romance, dating and long-term relationships. Oftentimes more pain than pleasure, but most of us continue our quest for romantic bliss and/or partnered sexual enjoyment. I’m not entirely sure why, we just do. For me, no matter how many times I encounter an unpleasant or frustrating romantic situation, the next day I’m ready for further punishment.”

Here’s to being ready for more days of punishment — and hopefully at many more of pleasure.

That’s where I come in — well, considering I wrote the blurbs that might already contribute to the confusing choices, this is where I come back in. It’s a pulse-off, ladies and gentlemen, pure and simple, and by the end of the article, you should have your future pulsing companion (should that be your desire) lined up.

Contender: Pulse-Right Bullet Vibe
Its story: The Pulse-Right was the first vibrator Good Vibrations sold that offered pulsing options. We still sell it, and it still looks like it’s the first vibrator of its genre. It’s a simple silver bullet with a simple controller bordering on tacky with its heart-shaped switch. Its pulsing options are pretty basic — of six total options, three are straight vibration, and three are pulsing speeds.

Secret advantage: Sure, it’s not anywhere near the fanciest bullet vibe we offer, but its bullet fits anywhere a Silver Bullet can go, including the P-Spot Plug, Bobbi Sue dildo and Cyber Ring Vibe, giving other toys the power of pulsing. Plus, it comes in at under $30 price-wise for those on a budget.

Who this vibe is for: You still have the same clunky, big cell phone you originally got several years ago. You and technology have not really spoken in the last few months, not that you’re fighting or anything, you’ve just drifted apart. You do like finding a good value, and like efficient purchases that complement things you already have.

Contender: Pulsatron
Its story: This vibrator came to us a few years ago and was the darling of the office upon arrival. A powerful little bugger it was, plus the battery case was really nice. That might sound like a backhanded complement, but keep in mind that this was just prior to the point that toy manufacturers started designing nicer-looking battery packs. Very simple, and clean — if you want another pulse option, all you needed to do was press a single button and you were there. A perfect example of “less is more.” Oh, except it had a lot more power than most battery vibes. So, it could also be a “more is more” story.

Secret advantage: Over the Pulse-Right, it has to be the seven speeds. Three pulsing options, plus two speeds of steady pulse, an escalating pulse (goes from slow to fast then begins again) and a roller coaster (escalating pulse that goes from slow to fast back to slow back to fast, etc.).

Who this vibe is for: You appreciate simple, clean designs — you’ve got the Feng Shui thing going in your apartment and minimalist sensibilities. You normally feel sufficiently full after a meal of tapas or sushi. You like a strong vibrator but appreciate a small size.

Contender: iSurge Vibe
Its story: In product design, there seems to be two eras — “Before iMac” and “After iMac.” The Before iMac era of vibrator design saw lots of simple, basic colors in the toys. Plastics were opaque and solid and named after the actual color they represented. Then the iMac debuted, and suddenly vibrators came in translucent, bright colors. Purple became grape. Toy names suddenly were preceded with a lowercase “i.” The iSurge represents the marriage of pulsing technology with the After iMac era. However, it threw its hat in the ring with a bit more than an appetite-whetting name and candy colors: the iSurge offered separate controls for the intensity of the five options (steady vibration, steady pulse, short short long pulse, escalating and roller coaster). Therefore, iSurge buyers had not only the five options, but also a range of speeds to enjoy those options. Nice, huh?

Secret advantage: The iSurge’s bullet is just about the same size as an Itty Bitty Vibe, which means it can fit in the numerous sleeves designed for Itty Bittyhood: Any of the Itty Bitty Sleeves, the Wireless Cyber Ring, the Echo and similar dildos, the Spiral Plug, etc.

Who this vibe is for: Obviously, Mac people, and those who generally surround themselves with bright colors (sorry, Goths). You’re sort of like the Pulse-Right people in that you’re big on toys that you can build on with sleeves, etc., but aren’t as skittish about technology. Not that your cell phone is anything to write home about, but you’ve been able to at least download a custom ring and maybe even a game or two. So, there.

Contender: Powerhouse Bullet
Its story: At first glance, this toy admittedly does not have a lot going for it. The metallic gold and black design with the Penthouse logo screams late ’80s. Then, you turn it on (after loading in the six AA batteries it requires). Suddenly you don’t think the ’80s were all that bad, after all: the power this vibrator gives off is amazing. It offers 10 options, all of which you can watch, simply animated on the small LED screen. While the animation is as simple as it can get, I’d liken it to watching the bars go up and down in time with the music on your stereo tuner: it’s certainly low-tech but mesmerizing just the same. The 10 options include two steady vibration speeds (plus one option of both speeds alternating); three steady pulse speeds; one option in which two pulse speeds alternate; and three settings with pulses alternating with straight vibrations in patterns I couldn’t figure out well enough to explain.

Secret advantage: While the large bullet does not fit the sleeves that the iSurge or the Pulse-Right do, its size and shape spread strong vibrations over a large area (a la the Hitachi Magic Wand’s powerful vibes coming through a tennis-ball sized head). The egg’s also got a little flat indentation at the tip, making it ideal for focused vibration directly on the clit or wherever else, if that’s more your thing.

Who this vibe is for: Hitachi fans who are looking for a vibrator with similar juice. You likely prefer automobiles with good pick-up, or, barring that, doing things quickly. You prefer biking over running and running over walking and walking over sitting down. In general, you prefer things that get the job done, well, and aren’t easily swayed by trendy items. Nope, it’s the tried-and-true for you.

Contender: Audi-Oh
Its story: While not technically a pulsing vibrator, the beauty of this toy is that it can be. It’s outfitted with a vibrator that surges with increases in sound. So if you’re listening to music, it’ll correspond to the beat. The louder the music, the stronger the vibe. It also works with voice — so say you’re at home and your partner is talking dirty — well, that dirty talk will start working for more than your imagination. If that all seems like too much work, simply turn up the volume sensitivity to the highest setting — the Audi-Oh will work as a strong, steady vibe.

Secret Advantage: It’s got a few more aces up its sleeve, namely a, well, wearable butterfly sleeve that holds the bullet in place and designed to wear under clothing. Perfect for a dance club, it really can go anywhere you go, activated by ambient conversations and sounds (though be careful out in public should an ambulance or fire truck go by). You can also hook up your CD or MP3 player directly to the controller so your music or audio tracks are directly translated into custom pulses for your own private, orgasmic dance party.

Who this vibe is for: All those gadget girls and guys who were maybe put off by the previously mentioned vibes — you’re in flavor country with the Audi-Oh. Do you club? Here you go. In general, if you’re passionate about the Next Big Thing, enjoy getting cutting-edge technology and being ahead of the pack in that regard, this truly unique, ahead-of-its-time toy is for you.

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And that covers our pulsing bullet vibrators. “But wait,” you might be saying. “You’ve got plenty of other pulsing options out there in the form of penetration-style vibes.” Well, I’m glad you mentioned it. Check out the Mermaid Pearl and Dragon Pearl for pulsing options on a twice-as-nice vibe. The Royal Pulse is a simple insertable that pulses, while the iPlug is a pulser designed for anal penetration.

But that’s another article down the road, particularly when we have dozens of insertable vibrators with pulsing options. Until then, I’m glad to do my part in elucidating on vibrator features, so you don’t have to. Pulse on!

The church made its claims on a BBC program, Sex and the Holy City. The president of the Vatican’s Pontifical Council for the Family, Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo said: “The AIDS virus is roughly 450 times smaller than the spermatozoon. The spermatozoon can easily pass through the ‘net’ that is formed by the condom.”

The World Health Organization responded immediately that the Vatican’s claims that condoms have holes that the virus can pass through are untrue, senior spokesmen from the church continued to stand by their view.

“These margins of uncertainty… should represent an obligation on the part of the health ministries and all these campaigns to act in the same way as they do with regard to cigarettes, which they state to be a danger.”

The church’s recommendation for stopping the spread of AIDS? No surprise: It’s chastity, chastity, chastity. That not having sex will certainly keep one from getting a sexually transmitted disease, unfortunately, it’s not a real-world solution.

Where to begin? In these times when all one needs to criticize the Catholic church is a fish, a gun and a barrel, response to the church’s latest proclamation has been the equivalent of a heavy, deep sigh. AIDS awareness groups have issued immediate statements denying the church’s claims that condoms are permeable, and most reports on the proclamation (such as the one in The Guardian above) skewed heavily in a tone of pure disbelief. For those of us who’ve watched the church turn a blind eye on priests who engage in criminal behavior and admit they were wrong about Galileo multiple centuries too late, this latest sex tip from Rome, while outrageous, is hardly surprising. In fact, we imagine what might come next:

VATICAN CLAIMS UMBRELLAS DO NOT PROTECT FROM RAIN
ROME –The Vatican issued a statement today that the wide-held belief that umbrellas help in keeping one dry from rain is deeply false, and that in fact using an umbrella is an “affront to God”.

Cardinal Guillermo Posedo announced yesterday that “umbrellas for years may give the illusion of keeping one dry, but as it turns out, tiny holes in the umbrella allow water through. Therefore, there is no point in using an umbrella — in fact, one should become drenched in the rain, develop a sickness which keeps them at home, allowing more time for procreation.”

The Cardinal added, “Of course, during such procreation couples shall not use a condom. Don’t even get me started with the holes in those things.”

Part of the reason response to the Vatican’s anti-condom proclamation is that as Americans, their effect on our psyches and habits seems relatively minor. Despite the sad state of sex education in our schools, Americans in general are more aware and savvy about condom use than developing countries (at least, I hope). Furthermore, the Vatican’s impact on American Catholics isn’t what it is in, for example, Africa and South America. According to The Guardian article, however, the church’s proclamation has had immediate effect. For example, in Kenya, where an estimated 20% of people have HIV, the church condemns condom use, noting that they promote promiscuity. According to the archbishop of Nairobi, “AIDS… has grown so fast because of the availability of condoms.”

In Lwak, near Lake Victoria, the director of an AIDS testing center says he cannot distribute condoms because of church opposition. Gordon Wambi told Sex and the Holy City: “Some priests have even been saying that condoms are laced with HIV/AIDS.”

While the media widely reported the Vatican’s statement, once again we fall victim to the typical short-attention-span media coverage things like this and so many other hot topics get. Why worry about what erroneous, dangerous proclamations the Vatican makes, because tomorrow our awareness of it will all go away? And look at who the victims are: Africa, which, if the average American looked at it on the map (provided he or she could find it), he or she might also notice that it’s pretty darn far away.

At the same time, criticizing the media and American public is just as easy as the aforementioned fish-in-barrel Catholic Church. Most people I know who heard about the Church’s proclamation expressed opinions that ranged from deep frustration to outrage — but at the same time felt like they had a plate full of things about which to be flummoxed. Take your pick — the war in Iraq, Bush’s judicial nominations, Schwartzenegger’s gubernatorial tenure, partial-birth abortion bans, same sex marriage — shall we go on? Oh, look — here’s another potential press release from the Vatican that’s made its way to the wires:

CHURCH BRINGS INTO QUESTION EARTH’S ROTATION
ROME — Vatican leaders today brought into question the existence of the earth’s rotation, challenging centuries of scientific evidence that proves unequivocally that every 24 hours the earth makes a complete rotation.

Cardinal Jean-Luc Valliere noted that while “scientific evidence may suggest that a rotation is involved, we know that, according to Genesis, God created day. Therefore, we cannot explain how it is done. All we know is that it is a great mystery, never to be known to man how God creates days.”

Valliere added, “It is also true that God created night, during which time one must be fruitful and multiply, as long as one is Catholic, married, heterosexual, engaging in the missionary position and not using birth control.”

While the easiest response to the Church’s stance on condoms and HIV transmission may be to simply ignore it, not dignifying their remarks with a response; at the same time the implications of the church’s statements are terrifyingly dangerous. The “Silence = Death” slogan popularized in the 1980s may feel retro now, but in this case it rings particularly apt. While we can only hope that the influence of the church’s statement isn’t as widespread, particularly over the countries particularly ravaged by AIDS and HIV, simply hoping can leave one with a helpless feeling.

One good response to the Vatican’s message is to support a charity, such as Doctors Without Borders, that works with AIDS victims and educates the rest of the populace in developing nations. Beyond that, however, the resignation and helplessness one feels upon hearing such a proclamation, considering it is made by an authority that has so much influence over the populace in the nations that need immediate help.

Perhaps the answer is a press release of our own?

EVERYONE IN WORLD WANTS CHURCH TO JUST SHUT UP
(WORLD) — In response to the Catholic Church’s recent proclamation that condoms have holes through which HIV can pass, everyone in the world collectively shouted for the Church to just shut up, before you cause any more misery.

Eliza Rogers, spokeswoman for everyone, told the wires: “Only the Catholic Church could not think it’s bad enough that there’s a global pandemic of AIDS and HIV transmission — they have to make it worse by condemning the most effective barrier against spreading the disease sexually.”

“We, the citizens of the world, have heard enough from the Vatican. Until they’re ready to help, we ask that they keep their dangerous opinions to themselves.”

The Vatican, to everyone’s delight, declined to comment.

When did I first learn about sex? I’m not sure if it was a third glass of wine after dinner, a long day of working through spreadsheets or the fact that I had recently turned 30 and was taking more than a few trips down ol’ memory lane, but this question popped into my head recently. I was a curious, book-obsessed kid, and I’m pretty sure I learned from a book during one of my weekly library visits. It certainly wasn’t in school.

My first recollection of sex education in school was in fifth grade. I attended a tiny Catholic school, and one day, our teacher announced that the girls were going to go talk to the school nurse while the boys would get an extra gym class. While I objected to the boys getting extra kickball time (I was a serious tomboy then), at the same time I was curious about what the mystery trip to the nurse would entail.

In the nurse’s office, the 10 girls in my class gathered as she showed us a black and white film about, well, technically not sex, but menstruation. I don’t recall a lot of details about the film, other than its using crude animation and having the garbled, stuttered — yet stern and authoritative — narration. The film explained what most of us knew from Judy Blume books at this point: egg leaves the ovary, cruises down the fallopian tubes and becomes ejected with blood over three to seven days, over which a woman needed to wear the sponsoring company’s products (I believe it was Kotex). Our nurse talked to us about it after the film as well, outlining the process and taking questions (we had none, partially, I think, from embarrassment). I also don’t recall if we broached the “why” part — that the egg waits for sperm to fertilize it. When it doesn’t become fertilized, becomes expelled. If that was discussed, I’m almost certain that we were not told how such sperm would arrive.

While memories of the film’s content remain fuzzy, what left a clear mark for me was how odd I found the film’s existence, even as a fifth grader. Someone, somewhere, had an idea to make a short film about menstruation and, all over the country, boys are playing kickball while the girls reported solemnly to the nurse. Granted, it was so like my underfunded, small school to show such a dinosaur of classroom cinema in the mid-1980s, but I had to imagine that the girls who watched this filmstrip closer to the time found it as square as I did. Then again, they didn’t have Judy Blume to spell it out for them.

In some ways, showing a film in a dark classroom, giving it an air of authority, made what was an embarrassing topic to most fifth graders feel a little less like a dirty secret. This logic seemed to follow for a number of other topics and other films, thousands of which were made in the 1950s and ’60s. While not consistently exposed to these films regularly, I eventually became aware of others — the highway gore films from high school driver’s ed, a handful on how to groom, be polite and be a productive citizen in a pop culture history class in college, the infamous Duck and Cover. So what about sex? It seems like the ideal topic to explain to kids through the medium. The film sends the same, consistent message, and it may spare a nervous instructor (especially in the ’50s) having to talk to students about the subject. Finding access to these films is difficult, but I discovered a wealth of history behind these films in the book Mental Hygiene by Ken Smith, an addictively entertaining compendium of hundreds of notable low-budget, high-moral films made specifically for teens and adolescents in the classroom. While looking at these films from today’s context (and accompanied by Smith’s wry observations) is hilarious, what’s really interesting to me is how some aspects of the socially accepted and debated messages to give teens and adolescents about sex, dating, sex roles and reproduction today aren’t too far off the mark from what was being fed to them in the ’50s and ’60s.

Take the menstruation films. According to Smith, these were “less common than is generally remembered, primarily because none of the major American educational film producers (there were three or four major companies putting out classroom films during that time period) would touch the subject.” That’s where the sanitary product manufacturers came in. Kotex and Modess made several films entitled The Story of Menstruation (which oddly used Disney animation and a long list of dos and don’ts), Molly Grows Up and my personal favorite, It’s Wonderful Being a Girl, all of which had a sunny attitude toward this new monthly ritual, and even more so, changing the brand-name pads cheerfully and often.

Flash-forward to today — while Kotex and Tampax aren’t making classroom films, they do offer FAQ sections on their web sites (all heavily skewed toward use of their products). Kotex’s site offers message boards as well on a number of topics, such as how to have a mother-daughter talk about menstruation, and more remotely, how to have certain types of sex. Though the sections are broken into “girls” and “women”, the types of questions and answers sound like they’re coming from teenagers (or adults who choose to write their e-mails as if they’d just gotten back from hanging out at the mall). Granted, these corporate sites aren’t the only places for teen girls and nervous parents to seek out advice — and fortunately, it’s remarkably easy to find positive and accurate sites about menstruation (that don’t resort to the hokey unreality of the classroom films).

Like masturbation, sex itself was another subject that the major film producers didn’t really touch — these films, as Smith puts it, “were about plumbing, not sex.” Most were reserved for biology classes and explained, dryly, the human reproductive system. No graphic or detailed explanation was given for how the sperm reached the egg (naturally, since teenagers in the 1950s and ’60s weren’t supposed to be intimate with what sex was). Those films that did acknowledge the oh-so-wrong act of teenage sex were films about syphilis, and sent the message that teenagers should abstain from sex, peppering them with close-ups of sores, disfigurements and dramatizations of formerly sex-crazed teens mentally disintegrating into full-blown dementia, à la syphilis. Again, because teenagers weren’t supposed to be having sex, there was no mention of how condoms could help protect them from diseases and pregnancy.

The same argument is rampant today, as evidenced by the numbers of variations on sex-information sites for teens. While many offer well-rounded, accurate information, there’s still that argument of whether to advocate abstinence or a comprehensive sex education program. While most of the sites that provide all the facts often make strong cases for abstinence, they educate visitors of the relative risks of other forms of safer sex barriers and birth control methods. It’s long been acknowledged that HIV/AIDS is today’s syphilis (though the latter hasn’t gone away) and inherently is a scare tactic for discouraging teens from having unprotected sex.

Despite the similarities in the methods between the classroom films of the 1950s and ’60s, After School Specials (the 1980s’ answer to the classroom films) and the Internet, it is refreshing (and a relief) to see that teens do have access to much more information now than they did then. A short browse through some of the links Good Vibrations has listed for visitors under 21, such as Scarleteen, teenwire and teengrowth, reveals a tremendous amount of excellent information geared toward teens — information I wish I’d had back in the day, and a refreshingly far cry from the rigid and almost totalitarian quote that I opened this essay with.

Yet moments after visiting these sites, I visited The New York Times web site and read about President Bush’s statements about legally protecting marriage by defining it strictly as a partnership between a man and a woman, and realized that these hokey films and their mentality have had a lasting impact beyond sheer entertainment value for pop culturists.

It’s not like there’s a Nielsen reporting system for Americans’ sex habits (one pictures a post-coital couple relaxing in bed as one partner clicks in their log for the night — “Foreplay, oral, strap-on and then on the floor — did I get it all, honey?”). At least until Senator Santorum has his way, what happens in the bedroom is private and not easily documented and analyzed.

Which isn’t to say many journalists haven’t tried, particularly from September 11 on, to draw some sort of conclusion or sociological trend in American sex spawned by the World Trade Center and Pentagon terrorist attacks and subsequent wars.

Immediately after September 11, a few articles noted the “terror sex” trend — as a Baltimore Citypaper article by Liz Langley reported in the weeks following the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. Langley’s impetus for the story was a Salon.com article noting that New Yorkers were having much more sex in the week after 9/11 than usual, feeding off the fear that there were no guarantees, there may not be a tomorrow, etc. Where the Salon article got its data, other than from a few academics quoted in the article, isn’t clear — while the writer may have had access to a range of acquaintances and strangers willing to share their exploits, it seems difficult to draw a trend from stories (many of them likely secondhand).

Langley herself tried to find a New Yorker who could confirm the Salon article’s assertation. Although she didn’t disclose how many she queried, she noted that not one New Yorker she talked to had heard of the terror sex craze that was apparently sweeping the city. It’s certainly a romantic notion, isn’t it? In the midst of the rubble, frightened survivors clinging to each other, having life-affirming sex, generating hope, happiness and maybe even something more — babies. In the Salon article, sociologist Pepper Schwartz predicted that a new baby boom would arise as a result of the September 11 attacks.

And sure enough, come May and June 2002, stories of hospitals gearing up for busy maternity wards abounded in major newspapers and major on-line news sites such as CBSNews. Even though some doctors noted that birth rates typically go up in the summer and expressed skepticism that the increase was connected to September 11, the articles used headlines such as “Post-Sept 11 Baby Boom” and “Are Tiny Miracles Born Out of Tragedy?,” clinging to the assumption that the fear generated by the terrorist attacks prompted a whole new generation of Americans, despite a lack of evidence and historical trends that suggest the economy has way more effect on the birthrate than single events. War in Iraq and September 11 are obviously major events, but the urban legends abound about baby booms occurring during blackouts, hurricanes, strikes by professional sports teams and just about any other disruption to daily life.

Ironically, a Salon article in September 2002 focused on how Americans conjure baby booms from tragedy. Writer Damien Cave observes that for “every couple who decided to have children in the wake of the disaster, there seems to be one or more who decided not to bring new life into an uncertain post-9/11 world, or, even more likely, simply did not see the attacks as an impetus for parenthood.” And although some individual hospitals reported a spike in births in May, June and July of 2002, the National Center for Health Statistics reported that overall births in 2002 were at an all-time low, and according to the Cave article, demographers are predicting a similarly flat, if not lower rate for 2003, as the economy worsened.

Which again brings us back to the original question — how does one find out how sex practices have changed in relation to an event? Obviously simply asking friends, acquaintances and academics won’t do it. Tracking birth rates is one way, but doesn’t account for the non-babymaking variety of sex — i.e., the majority of sex — that’s being had out there.

That’s when journalists turn to sex toy purveyors — present company included — and ask for glimpses of our sales figures for a picture of who’s having what sex and where. So maybe looking at Good Vibrations’ sales is a good indication, though even that leads to the same wild guess speculation that surround the post 9-11 terror sex trend. For example, if there was indeed a terror sex trend after September 11, it wasn’t terror sex with sex toys, books or videos, as our sales slumped just like most every other company’s did. And the war in Iraq? In the two weeks leading to war, sales dropped by 16% from the two weeks prior; once war was declared, sales rebounded back to original levels. Though it seems the time of greatest anticipation and uncertainty translated to a fairly sizeable dip in our sales, we could speculate on the dip happening for many reasons: taxes would be due soon, Good Vibrations was coming off of a brisk Valentine’s season and most likely, the economy was continuing to tank.

For those in the line of fire, however, we did notice a remarkable trend — in the two weeks after war began, sales to military APO addresses tripled, and continued to ascend once war was declared. Condom sales went up tenfold while porn videos (our current cultural answer to the Rita Hayworth pinup in GI barracks) sold nearly six times more, trends that suggest that the proximity of real risk and danger increases the need for sex and companionship, whether with another person or with oneself. Or maybe the Armed Forces just doesn’t provide a lot of safer sex supplies to GIs.

There is some truth to the notion that real war situations do beget the need for human contact. According to author James R. Petersen in the History Channel program “The XY Factor,” “War changes sex. Nothing about war assumes the long run. You don’t have a tomorrow, so you say what you want your body to say today.” Good Vibes’ data certainly supports that statement. But sales figures aside, even Good Vibrations still won’t have a good idea of who was affected by September 11 and the war in Iraq in that he or she is having the most meaningful and constant sex ever, or who realized that life was too short and their relationship too long, or who engaged in an affair, or not.

And come to think it, that’s okay. Do we really need to know what Americans are doing behind closed doors and what makes them do what they do? Maybe, if we’re Kinsey researchers (or Sen. Santorum, natch), but otherwise, perhaps it’s best we never really hear the truth about how tragedies do or don’t affect sexual practices. Think about it: How could the hard facts ever live up to our fantasies, romantic speculations and vicarious, voyeuristic scenarios about what our friends and neighbors are doing and how often?

These vibes do look a little daunting. But do they do the job? Customer feedback suggests they are the end-all, be-all in sex toys. The insertable shaft swivels, rotating strategically placed pearls that bump and grind in the vagina, while the vibrating animal at the base provides a ticklish sensation on the clit. All that, along with a relatively high price tag and complicated design, may make it seem like the purchase of a twice as nice might allow you to cross the “Buy a sex toy” item off that “To Do” list forever. While the purchase of a twice as nice has made thousands of our customers very happy indeed, a girl needs to take a few things into account in order to make these toys truly double the fun.

As with any other sex toy, size matters. If you’ve purchased an insertable sex toy before, measure the toy, decide if you’d like something bigger or smaller, and use those measurements to guide your twice-as-nice purchase. If you’re a first timer, start out in your kitchen. Clean a cucumber, get a knife and carve it down. Cover it with a condom and try it on (this trick is for vaginal penetration only). How does it feel? Too wide, too long, too small? Keep carving away (or get a new cucumber) and trying it out. For once, it’s okay to use the same condom multiple times. Once you find your ideal fit, measure the length and diameter (distance across). Keep in mind the length you measure should be the length that feels comfortable, not the maximum length you can stand.

Next, take a look at the twice-as-nice vibes we offer. Along with the toy’s diameter, you’re going to want to consider the length of the shaft that you would need to insert to feel the vibrator at the base. Typically, the base vibe delivers a concentrated buzz at the tip of the critter, so you’re going to need the shaft to be long enough (and short enough) that the tip of the critter (the bunny’s ears, jaguar’s nose, fish’s tail, etc.) reaches your clit. The vibe itself resides in the animal’s body, so by inserting the toy deeper, you’ll feel the same strong buzz over a slightly increased area.

The distance between the shaft and critter vibe won’t make a huge difference in the enjoyment of your toy. If the vibe isn’t hitting your clit the way you’d like, you can probably angle the toy or adjust the clit vibe to hit it in the right spot.

How exact do you need to be? Considering there are only so many toys available in so many sizes, an 1/8″ margin in toy diameter and 1/4″ in tip-to-tip measurements should be fine. Just keep in mind that it can be disappointing to get home with a new toy that feels way bigger than it looked to you in the store.

Now, on to the pickin’s. We offer a big selection of toys that offer a variety of sizes and features. What’s best for you? Read the blow-by-blow for most of our twice-as-nice vibes, from smallest to largest, below. I’ve listed each vibe’s diameter, length of shaft from tip of the shaft to the tip of the base vibe and the distance between the shaft and the tip of the clit vibe. Keep in mind the tip-to-tip measurement is the minimum amount you’d have to insert to feel the clit vibe.

Deep Blue
1 1/4″ in diameter, other measurements n/a
It takes two hands, but the Deep Blue allows you to put its vibe (attached with a phone-cord-like tether) wherever you want — your clit, your nipple, your kneecap, if that’s what does it for you — though the vibrations are gentle. It’s a good choice for a woman looking for her first twice as nice.

Cyber Beaver
1 3/8″ in diameter, 3 1/4″ tip to tip, 3/8″ shaft to tip
Another toy with a long reach, this one is Japanese-made and offers the same high-quality motor as the other models — and it’s made with softskin, which feels like real skin and warms as you use it. It’s a remarkable material; unfortunately, it’s difficult to keep clean unless you use it with a condom. If you have the time and inclination for maintenance, however, this could be the toy for you.

Rhythm Master
1 3/8″ in diameter, 3 3/8″ tip to tip, 7/8″ shaft to tip
Here’s a toy with a longer, narrower shaft, a lower price than most comparable toys and an attractive plastic box that’s great for storage or gift-giving.

Rabbit Pearl
1 1/2″ in diameter, 2 3/4″ tip to tip, 1″ shaft to tip
The Rabbit Habit and Rabbit Pearl are both toys you hear about a lot, and for good reason. They really do stand heads and bunny ears above the rest. Made in Japan, they’re strong and very well-made. Both toys have a similar design, but slightly different measurements. The Rabbit Pearl is the model we’ve been offering for years; we particularly like it because its battery pack is corded to the vibe, so you can adjust while looking at the controls.

Pisces Pearl
1 1/2″ in diameter, 2 7/8″ tip to tip, 1 1/8″ shaft to tip
Made in Japan, this high quality vibe has been a longtime customer favorite. Though the Pisces Pearl’s shaft is overall longer than that of the Rabbit Pearl and Rabbit Habit, the fish at the base reaches up a bit farther.

Silver Pearl
1 1/2″ in diameter, 3″ tip to tip, 3/4″ shaft to tip
Are pearls your thing? The Silver Pearl only has a few, but fits them on a track (rather than having them bump each other like in most other twice-as-nice toys) so you’ll feel their rotation more intensely than in other toys.

Rabbit Habit
1 1/2″ in diameter, 3″ tip to tip, 1 3/8″ shaft to tip
Same high quality and strength as the Rabbit Pearl, but with slightly different dimensions and a built-in battery pack. The price tag may seem high, but it’s worth every penny.

Dragon Pearl
1 1/2″ in diameter, 3 5/8″ tip to tip, 3/8″ shaft to tip
A longer, slimmer version of the Mermaid Pearl, shaped like a friendly dragon and covered in fabulous, easy-to-clean silicone.

Mermaid Pearl
1 5/8″ in diameter, 3 1/4″ tip to tip, 3/8″ and 1″ shaft to tip
Why two shaft-to-tip measurements? The Mermaid’s “tail” forks into two points. If you’re looking for a larger-sized vibe, the silicone Mermaid’s for you.

Rolling Thunder
1 5/8″ in diameter, 2 1/8″ tip to tip, 1 1/4″ shaft to tip
This vibe is the perfect choice if you’d like more intense pearls like the Silver Pearl but would prefer a toy with a shorter, wider shaft. If you’re a beginner or on a budget, you can’t beat the price. However, you may find its quality isn’t as high as the Japanese toys.

Bear Necessity
1 5/8″ in diameter, 3 1/4″ tip to tip, 3/8″ shaft to tip
What if the pearls feature isn’t that exciting to you? If its larger size works for you, the Bear Necessity is an excellent investment for its strong Japanese motor.

Once you’ve found your size, you may want to check out the individual product blurbs for more features you may want to consider, such as extensive pulsing and rotation options, material, volume and vibration intensity.

Now that you’ve waded through all the measurements, pros, cons and maybes, and finally brought your new friend home — go to town! And keep in mind these tips:

* Use lube! A water-based lube like Liquid Silk, Astroglide or Slippery Stuff will help make your introduction more nice and friendly-like.

* For longevity, use the jelly rubber and softskin toys with a condom. The Pisces Pearl, Rabbit Habit and Pearl are made from vinyl, which is less porous than jelly rubber or softskin. The Mermaid and Dragon Pearls are silicone, which is nonporous and doesn’t need to be used with a condom.

* Some women find the rotating shaft a little much at first; some will have difficulty with holding onto the base. If either is the case, insert the shaft with the power off and start slow. Try to gently squeeze your PC muscle (the way you would if doing Kegel exercises) around the shaft and set it on a slow rotation. Your muscles should start to give the rotation enough resistance so that you’ll be controlling the vibe.

* Once you get used to the rotation, try changing speeds, moving it slightly in and out, and then incorporating the clit vibe.

* Once you get the hang of it, experiment with the shaft angle. The Japanese vibes (Rabbit Habit, Rabbit Pearl, Pisces Pearl, Cyber Beaver and Bear Necessity) and Deep Blue have bendable spines that allow you to add more or less angle to the toy. Be warned, the spines should not be bent more than a few degrees in either direction, and should be bent very gently and carefully. But you should be able to achieve a slight angle, which, once the shaft starts rotating, will make a big difference in your experience.

* Twist your vibe around and tickle your anus with the base vibe (you should cover it with a condom or finger cot when going to the anus, then remove it once you go back to your clit).

At the end of the day, however, how much you enjoy your new dual-action toy is up to your body. If you feel like the toy isn’t doing it for you, the external vibes are still excellent used on their own on the clit, and shaft on its own in your vagina or anus.

And if your body decides the dual action use toy is for you? We have the feeling you’ll find that “twice as nice” is a bit of an understatement.