Karl Wolfe is a pagan sex activist and self-love shaman who considers masturbation the most fundamental kind of spirituality — and good, clean fun, too.

As someone who spends a fairly large percentage of his time in heated spaces with naked males, I’ve seen more than my share of guys jerking off.

And I can testify that while there are a million minor variations, 99% of the wanks I’ve seen have followed a predictable pattern: hand on hard dick, hand pumping hard dick, hard dick doing what hard dicks do after sufficient stimulation. Without a doubt, it’s a compelling pattern, and one I follow on a regular basis.

Still, I have to wonder if all these guys, following the simplest of jerkoff patterns even when they’re in all-male sex spaces with other guys watching them, know just how varied and wonderful their dicks are? Certainly they wouldn’t be where they are if they didn’t want to explore different sexual sensations — and lots of them. But it seems like most men, gay and straight, resort to the same few motions to bring themselves to orgasm, when there are many, many more things that can be done with a dick.

For that matter, why focus on the dick at all when you’re jerking off? Okay, okay, the obvious answer presents itself — but still, there are plenty of other body parts you can explore when you’re taking time for yourself.

Listed below are a few things you can try to add some variety to your masturbation sessions — in honor of National Masturbation Month, you owe it to yourself and to society.

• Nipples
  If you enjoy intense sensations, try using clothespins or Nipple Clamps while you’re masturbating. If you don’t, what’s to say you can’t put that off-hand to good use stroking and fondling your tits while you’re pumping that cock of yours?
• Balls
  Those balls of yours, in case you haven’t noticed, can play host to a wide variety of sensations. From gently caressing the outside to firmly slapping them, to just grabbing those balls and pulling, you can do plenty of naughty things to your family jewels. (If you are going to pull on your balls, be very careful, since you could conceivably injure yourself. Be sure to go slowly and build gently, and if you feel a sharp or intense pain stop right away.)
• Mouth
  You’ve got a mouth — use it! Talk dirty to yourself: tell yourself what a filthy little brat you’re being, invoke prayers to the Well-Hung Sex Goddess while you do yourself. From the number of guys online looking for phone sex, you’d think we’d use this option more! The sound of your own voice can be an intense aphrodisiac if you learn how to play along with your fantasies.
• Your ass
  If you’ve never had the divine experience of having your cock stroked while a finger slips into your asshole, you can certainly take the pleasure of giving it to yourself. Many guys have an intense taboo about their assholes, but when you’re all alone with the door locked and your dick in your hand, that’s the time to experiment. No need to stick anything in there, necessarily; just try the tip of your middle finger stroking around the outside while you pump your cock — especially as you approach orgasm. Use some lubricant on that fingertip, by the way, even if you’re not putting it in.
• The rest of you
  Run your hand over your chest, slide it down your belly, dig your nails into your thighs while you jerk off. Run ice over your neck, rabbit fur over your face, or a vibrator along your perineum while you stroke your cock. Awakening your senses all over your body can add plenty to the experience.

All those things said, however, most of us are going to focus on our dicks most of the time. I, for one, would like the rest of the world to focus on my dick quite a bit more than it does, so I have no problem whatsoever focusing on it myself whenever I want. Even so, there are plenty of penile sensations you can give yourself beyond the “usual.”

• Use both your hands
  If you’ve ever seen a truly talented person giving a man the handjob of his life — or been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that — you know that one hand just doesn’t blow minds the way two can. Excellent techniques include holding the shaft with one hand while you rub circles around the head; moving the shaft up and down to stroke the head against the back of your hand; and focusing on the area on the back of the cockhead — much less sensitive than the glans (the section under the cockhead), but the more you stroke it the more sensitive you’ll find it getting.
• Rub against something
  You can straddle a big pillow, or the edge of a couch, and hump it (just pretend you’re a Golden Retriever on your owner’s leg). If you’re on the edge of a couch, you might want to put down a sheet — it’s much less rough than a towel, which can abrade that sensitive Johnson of yours.
• Rub between two somethings
  This concept works particularly well if you put two pillows together and stick your dick in between. While this feels divine, doing it for too long could rub your dick raw.
• The Fleshlight
  These little babies are the Goddess’s gift to her boytoys. They’re pricey, but I, for one, was amazed at the sensations the first time I tried it, and the Fleshlight has become a regular visitor in my masturbation sessions. While I wouldn’t say the experience is exactly like intercourse, it’s not at all dissimilar. Besides, it feels great. It also has the advantage of not looking weird and creepy like those “pocket pussies” you see in sleazy sex shops, or the truly bizarre ones with mustaches. And (um, not that I’ve tried those, but…) the interior is of a much higher quality.
• Penis pumps
  Guys often use these thinking their dicks will get bigger; well, the vacuum action does bring more blood into the penis, so yes, it will get bigger briefly. Don’t expect to be John Holmes, though. What penis pumps are good for is experiencing a broad range of interesting sensations. The fit of a fully-pumped cylinder is much, much tighter even than that guy they call “Hoover” down at the local gay bar. What that means is that you can’t thrust into a pump the way you can in to a Fleshlight, but it’s a truly unique feeling. It’s also great if you find yourself having a little trouble getting fully hard, but you have to be at least a little erect to even get your penis in the thing.
• Menthol rubs
  Those most vanilla among you will probably not dig this one, but I love to use a little Tiger Balm on my balls. Just a little! Yes, it hurts, but in such a subtle good way that I simply adore it, and without fail I get rock hard in about two seconds. Remember that these rubs are oil-based, so if you’re having safe sex be very careful not to let them touch your condoms.

There’s really no reason to let your self-love sessions be the furtive, guilty affairs too many of us grow up experiencing. Your relationship with yourself is more important than anything else in your life. Take the time to explore all its aspects.

If you think you’re free from police persecution, think again. Where I live, in Chicago, sexual libertines don’t even need to be “doing their thing” to face possible arrest. And even if they are “doing their thing” in private, they still might not be safe from the long arm of the law. What follows are two true stories that illustrate the terrifying reality that we may not be as free as we think we are — especially since things are almost guaranteed to get worse with our new President. Although these stories happened in the Windy City, they could happen anywhere.

The first episode took place in August of 2000. A friend of mine, let’s call him Jake, was out for an early evening walk along Lake Michigan. He stopped to use the facilities at Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago’s gay beach. Now, just about any gay man in Chicago can tell you that these facilities have often been used for purposes other than for what they were intended. And before I christen Jake a saint, let me just say he is not above the occasional five-minute fling. But that night, he just had to pee. The men’s room, however, was crawling with men and Jake had to wait his turn. Alas, the john was so busy that, after 10 minutes, Jake exited. Remember, Jake did not take his penis out — even to pee. Jake, at the most, was guilty of loitering for 10 minutes or so.

As Jake crossed the field to get back to the lakefront trail that would take him home, an unmarked police car zoomed up behind him, giving a panic-inducing little whoop of its siren. At first, Jake said, he wasn’t worried. After all, he had done nothing wrong. Jake was ordered to lean against the car so the officer could frisk him. Repeatedly, Jake asked what the problem was. The officer would say only that he would be informed of everything later. Jake was handcuffed and watched in horror as a marked police car came rolling down the trail. As he was pushed into the back of the marked car, he again asked why he was being arrested. Again, he was told he’d find out later. As the two female officers drove Jake away, he asked them why he was being taken in. The two female officers told him that since they weren’t the arresting officers, they didn’t know. “Is this legal? I mean to just pluck someone off the street and take them to jail without even telling them why?” Jake very reasonably asked. The two officers in the front seat ignored him and discussed a new camera one was considering buying.

Once Jake arrived at the police station, he was handcuffed to a bar in the wall and left for some time. Again, he was given no explanation why he was there, was never even told if he was under arrest. After about 40 minutes, Jake was led upstairs to lockup, where he was fingerprinted and had mug shots taken. Jake happened to see the papers turned in by the arresting officer and saw that he was accused of “exposing his penis for the intent to sexually arouse.”

Jake did not even lower his zipper. “I used to feel you could trust the police,” Jake told me. “No more. Not when I saw they would out and out lie on official documents.”

After he had his picture taken and was fingerprinted, Jake was put into a holding cell. There, he remained for almost five hours. In spite of the arresting officer’s promise that everything would be explained to him, nothing ever was. “I thought, mistakenly, as a citizen, I had some rights. I thought that I couldn’t just be handcuffed and thrown into jail without ever being given a reason. I guess I was wrong,” Jake said.

At about 1:00 in the morning, Jake was released. At the front desk, he received a carbon copy of a form letting him know when his upcoming court date was. Even on this form, there was no explanation of his “crime,” just a code number.

Jake had to hire a lawyer and cancel vacation plans he had made that would have kept him out of town on the date of his hearing. Arriving at the courthouse that summer morning, Jake was filled with apprehension. He had lost faith in the criminal justice system and wasn’t sure what would happen to him. What happened to him was this: after sitting nervously in the courtroom for about 15 minutes, watching his lawyer confer with the judge, he was called up to the bench. “Mr. ____________, your case is dismissed.” That was it. The arresting officer apparently didn’t feel that Jake’s “crime” was worthwhile enough to make the trip into court. The arrest, the anxiety, the meeting with a lawyer, the cancelled vacation plans were all for nothing.

What happened to Jake amounts to harassment. For one thing, when heterosexual couples are caught “parking” by police officers, they are seldom hauled into jail and have to make a court appearance. Second, and more important, it seems that if the police really were interested in “cleaning up” gay cruising areas they could accomplish it without the covert operations. I mean, think about Jake’s arrest and the cost of plainclothes police officers hanging around for hours, the cost of his arrest and processing and the cost and time of the aborted court date. Wouldn’t it be simpler and more effective for marked police cars to make regular stops at restrooms like the one at Hollywood Beach? Couldn’t these officers make spot checks on the restrooms? If gay cruisers knew that the other kind of cruisers might be stopping by every couple of hours or so, they would probably cut out their behavior. It would also look good to the citizens who have complained about sexual activity in the washrooms — but that would make too much sense and wouldn’t allow for the harassment of gay people.

Although Jake was definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time, the young woman below had every reason to believe she was in a place where she wouldn’t be hauled off to jail: a private party. Read on for her story, in her own words.

“Feb. 14th 2000: My girlfriend and I decide to check out a private dungeon for Valentine’s Day. We arrive and the mistress for the evening suggests a bondage scene. Both my girlfriend and I were tied up together, blindfolded and teased and spanked. It was our goal to wiggle out of the ropes. All the wiggling got us pretty turned on and we forgot about anything around us. Plus, we were both blindfolded so it was easy to lose ourselves. We got off in a big way complete with screaming, but all we did was rub and hump each other like a couple of horny lesbians should! When we came back to earth, we climbed off the table, pulled off our blindfolds and to our slight embarrassment, noticed there were a lot of people standing around who watched the whole thing. But hey, this was a dungeon, and this kind of thing does go on here, which is part of the fun. The fact that we were two women having a good time with each other probably added to the interest level.

“Mind you, there were other ‘dungeon activities’ going on prior to our scene. My girlfriend and I proceeded to go down the hall to use the bathroom when a large guy stopped us. The place began to light up with undercover cops with flashlights checking IDs. We asked what was going on and they refused to talk. When all the guests started to file out, my girlfriend and I decided to call it a night. It was then that one of the cops said, ‘You two aren’t going anywhere.’ When asked why, we were told, ‘You’re being arrested for obscenity.’ When we asked them what was ‘obscenity,’ they said, ‘Anything that the average person considers obscene.’

“I told the cop who gave this intelligent explanation that you cannot use the word that you are defining in the definition of the word. He didn’t like my response and told me to turn around. I was handcuffed. My girlfriend did not take that well, and proceeded to demand more of an explanation. She was physically shoved, handcuffed and the only female cop there put her hands around my girlfriend’s throat and shoved her down.

“The two of us were taken to jail, where we were charged with obscenity. We were searched, fingerprinted, had mug shots taken, and spent 18 hours in jail. We were never told anything other than the charge. We were never shown any badges; we were never read our rights. We were allowed to make one collect phone call after about 12 hours. When we were let out, we were given a piece of paper, (a bond slip) which gave us our court date. We were wondering, (and are still wondering) ‘What was the crime?’ Finding a criminal attorney for this kind of thing was hell. Going to trial for this was hell. Having a judge instantly dismiss the case was a huge relief! But I still don’t have the privilege of knowing why I was arrested and why it was dismissed. Justice? No, we were picked on to be arrested that night. Why? I have my own theories.”

A good resource for what to do if you find yourself caught up in unwanted undercover operations is Lambda Legal Defenses’ Little Black Book, which can be found on line at www.lambdalegal.org. If you are arrested, the guide offers these tips:

1. Do not give in to embarrassment or fear — An arrest on a charge of public lewdness is often made easier by the target’s willingness to appear cooperative in hopes of getting out of trouble. You have the right to remain silent, and in almost all cases you should. In most cases, no matter what the police say, although you may have done something (show interest, linger, flirt), you probably did nothing illegal.
2. Write down all relevant information. This should include the names and badge numbers of the arresting officers, and what they did before, during, and after the arrest. It should include everything that was said during the arrest, by them and by you. Particularly important is anything that would show that the location was relatively private, or that non-consenting people were not involved or likely to be exposed.
3. Get a good local lawyer. Such lawyers are acquainted with local conditions and can offer you realistic advice about your legal options and the personalities of the prosecutor and judge. If you don’t know such a lawyer in the area, contact your local lesbian/gay bar association or switchboard.

And as they used to say on Hill Street Blues: “Let’s be careful out there.”