Anyone who has read smut knows that there’s a lot of bad sex in fiction. After all, it’s not easy to come up with a new way to describe something that has been written about so many times. But some examples are worse than others and if you want a fun read, check out the Guardian’s article The bad sex factor: extracts from the prize shortlist.

Here are a few snippets, to either whet your appetite or scare you away from the rest of the examples they collected.

“‘Baby.’ She took my head in both hands and guided it downward, between her fragrant thighs. ‘Yoni puja – pray, pray at my portal.’

“She was holding my head, murmuring ‘Pray,’ and I did so, beseeching her with my mouth and tongue, my licking a primitive form of language in a simple prayer. It had always worked before, a language she had taught me herself, the warm muffled tongue.” (from A Dead Hand: A Crime in Calcutta by Paul Theroux)

I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg. (from The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell)

It felt to him as if he were tending a delicate weeping wound, and as he probed it with his tongue he heard her moan quietly. Excited by the oysterish intricacy of her he sucked and licked the salty folds until they became sweet, and slowly she arched her back to heighten the angle of provocation. As her gasps grew more urgent he glanced upwards and saw her face almost angrily flushed and straining, his mouth now breathing in the wetness of her until, with an agonised cry, she stiffened and shuddered down the length of her torso. (from The Rescue Man by Anthony Quinn)

And my personal favorite:

Then, Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom, sending five or six multicolour Durexes flying through the air, and he struggles getting the packet open and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina. (from Ten Storey Love Song by Richard Milward)

You can find all of the entries here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3 reasons.

1.  I kept hearing people ask the same questions about sexuality but it always seemed like there was shame behind the questions.  I couldn’t understand how a culture could create an entire population to be ignorant and feel bad about the same things.  I wanted to change that.

2. It was a way for me to challenge the gender roles I was taught. “Good girls” were not supposed to talk openly about this subject.

3.  I had a knack for memorizing sexual statistics.  I don’t know where it came from, but it’s a gift.

How did you start giving sex advice?

When I was 16, I had a conversation with my high school girlfriends about masturbation and orgasms.  I remember being shocked that they said they hadn’t ever fondled themselves.  That was the first time I remember talking openly about sexuality.

Where did you get your education in sexuality?

I received my Bachelor of Science degree from URI.  From there I went on to intern at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States and then worked for 10 years at Planned Parenthood affiliates as a sexuality educator.  Attending conferences, reading medical journals and sexuality studies is all part of the course too.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

I love being able to model that it’s ok to talk about sexuality openly.  That is by far the thing I love most about the work I do.  That’s it’s ok to talk about this subject, even if makes you a little uncomfortable.

What is your most common question?

“Is it normal…..”  People want to find out if what they are experiencing is something that happens to other people a lot.  There is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

Fingers!  10 free sex toys that are always accessible and clandestine yet remain exhibitionistic at the same time. How could you not love this perfect gift?

Where do you teach? If you travel, what is it like? Where was your favorite place to teach? Most unusual panel or experience?

I teach all over the country; at colleges, high schools, churches, conferences and medical organizations.

The thing I’ve learned most about traveling is that it doesn’t matter where you go, people still have the same questions about sexuality.  Be it liberal San Francisco or in the deep woods of Maine, people just don’t know how/why there body works.

My favorite place to teach is at college campuses, the students have such amazing energy and they are there because they want to be. Mix thought provoking questions with enthusiasm and the desire to learn and you have one heck of a good time!

I think the most unusual experience that I have had is how to quickly adapt into the environment I am teaching for.  In the morning I could be conducting a workshop in a very clinical setting with medical providers and later that afternoon I could be hearing the newest sexual slang terms fly out of a youth’s mouth.  The different atmospheres in which I am employed by is challenging because it is always something new.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

Sexuality is a journey, not a destination.  When I was starting out I was much more clinical about it, very fact based, less emotion.  As I’ve grown into the field, and myself, I realize that sexuality has so many different components to it and while that can be terrifying it can be quite exhilarating too.

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

Good Vibrations offers adults a safe place to learn about sexuality.  Through the books they carry, the materials for sell or the staff they hire to put people at ease, Good Vibrations works hard every single day to help people feel good.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

Get a mentor.  Find someone in the field with whom you can shadow and work with.  It’s a small field and once you know one person, you will quickly meet more and more people who believe in the work we are doing.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

Know what your “trigger” points are and don’t provide workshops on topics you haven’t wrapped your brain around yet.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That sex is something to be fearful of.  Be it your sexual desires, your fantasies or behaviors, people tend to be very afraid of “what it all means”.

Which is your favorite project that you’ve worked on?

Learning how to advocate for Sex Workers Rights through Speak Up!

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Masturbate.  For the love of God, masturbate.  It gets you in touch with your body, your feelings, and your desires.  It helps you have orgasms, better health in general and it’s a great stress relief.  As George Carlin once said, “God wouldn’t want our hands to fall where they do if s(he) didn’t want us to touch ourselves.”

What projects are you working on now?

I’m fighting to open an adult sex education center in RI (The CSPH), speaking at colleges and creating a sexuality curriculum for medical students at Boston University’s Medical School.

Where can people find out more about you?

www.OhMegan.com

First, back in 1999, BMJ.com (originally the British Medical Journal) posted an article showing an MRI scan of penis-vagina intercourse. Up until then, we had drawings like the one to the left, which comes from Dickinson’s amazing book Human Sex Anatomy: A Topographical Hand Atlas, which I consider a must-read for anyone who wants to be a sex nerd. (As is Netter’s Reproductive System, btw.) You can click on the picture for a larger image.

While these drawings are really useful, they’re still based on one person’s understanding of anatomy, as well as their artistic skill. So I’m geeking out on the MRI scan shown to the left. Click on it to see a larger version, along with a chart showing some of the organs that are a bit hard to identify. Maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s fascinating. Plus, as the authors of the article discuss, it shows that the root of the penis goes much further into the body than most people realize. They also correct some of the information that sexologists had previously accepted. For example, it looks like the uterus doesn’t actually increase in size during arousal. Let’s hear it for the advance of science! (Of course, we need replication of this work to fully validate it, but it’s still cool.)

In other sex geekery, an article in Evolutionary Psychology (pdf available here) examined the evolutionary purpose of the scrotum. We’ve long understood that past of the function is to keep the testicles at a lower temperature than the body cavity in order to maximize sperm production. But there are some amazing adaptations that are part of that, and I admit that much of this info is new to me.

First, one possible explanation for why one testicle usually hangs lower than the other is that “with one testicle suspended slightly above (or below) the other, there is a corresponding increase in the available surface area subject to heat dissipation and cooling.” Scrotum asymmetry as an evolutionary advantage!

I’m intrigued by the notion that part of why the testicles tend to pull up close to the body before ejaculation is in order to warm the sperm up and get them swimming. The same mechanism serves to protect the testicles during sex. (The authors note that fear triggers the same reflex, perhaps in order to avoid damage when in danger.)

It’s also really interesting that, as part of the temperature regulation functions of the scrotum, the arteries that supply blood to the scrotum are next to the veins that take blood away. That means that the cooler venous blood lowers the temperature of the blood entering the scrotum in a rather efficient heat exchange. Amazing!

This sort of research is really helpful to me as a sex educator. I rely on scientists like these folks to do this work so I can make sure that I’m offering accurate information. Even if you don’t geek out on it yourself, thank a scientist the next time you meet one. Without them, we wouldn’t know as much as we do.

Sex is a practice.

So let me tell you what I mean. We live in a world that presents sex as something that we can do perfectly. If only we read the right tips in the magazines at the supermarket checkout, if only we discover the perfect position to drive someone wild, if only we find the right clothing/hair/body spray, we can have perfect sex. Perfect sex is, unsurprisingly, also what we see in a lot of porn. Body parts get erect or wet without any hassles, there’s never any discomfort, people switch from one position to another easily (and without any mobility issues like stiff knees), and there’s always an orgasm (at least for any men involved).

But in the real world, sex is a lot messier than that, no pun intended. Not everyone  always has an orgasm, bodies don’t always do what we want them to, there are stains on the sheets, physical discomfort that limits what we can do, emotional concerns that show up at inconvenient moments, and, quite simply, it’s not always what we want it to be. Sex is never perfect in the real world.

I’ve never believed in the adage “practice makes perfect” because I don’t believe it’s possible for anything we do to be perfect. When we strive for an unattainable perfection, we often miss out on the joys of the moment. Our inner critic comes out to tell us all of the ways in which we’ve failed, and we forget to celebrate. When we let go of the ideal of “perfect sex,” we can dismiss the inner critic and enjoy.

So when I talk about sex as a practice, I’m thinking of it in the same terms as band practice, a martial arts practice, or a yoga practice. It’s something that we engage in, to expand our skills, to learn as much from as possible, and to enjoy. When we approach sex as a practice, it’s with an acknowledgment that we’re never perfect and that we can enjoy the experience of discovery. In essence, the distance between where we are and “perfection” becomes a source of opportunity for learning and joy, rather than a reason to judge or shame ourselves.

Approaching sex as a practice means that we need to make time for it. If you stop practicing the piano, your skills get rusty. If you stop practicing sex, the same thing happens. Musical greats still practice every day- that’s how they achieve such a high level of ability. Making sex a practice means coming to it with the intention of developing our skills. And not just the technical skills of giving an amazing blow job, but also the skills of connecting with another person (whether a long-time partner or someone new), the skills of working with and managing erotic energy, the skills of communicating and talking about what you want, the skills of navigating a relationship, among others. Nobody is born knowing how to do any of these, so if we want to have a high degree of skill and ease, we need to practice.

Thinking of sex as a practice requires us to come to it with fresh eyes. Our capabilities, interests, and desires shift from moment to moment and over time. So each time we engage with our practice, instead of trying to repeat our past performance, we need to ask ourselves “where am I in this moment?” Our internal compass becomes the tool for navigation, rather than an external guideline that may not always be relevant.

Making sex a practice also means making room for mistakes. We all make mistakes, and when we make perfection our goal, there’s little room for the inevitable errors that are part of life. When sex is a practice, mistakes become an opportunity. That doesn’t make them any less scary or unpleasant, but at least we can stop shaming ourselves for having made an error. Instead, we can learn to acknowledge what we’ve done, apologize, make amends, and learn from the experience. It’s a cliché that wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from making mistakes, but that doesn’t make it less true. When we allow sex to be a practice, we can give ourselves permission to make mistakes and learn from them, as painful as that sometimes is.

Approaching sex as a practice requires us to be brave in the face of the unknown. It asks us to make room for the possibility that things might not work the way we expect or want them to. And I understand why that can often be scary. Making sex a practice requires us to be brave enough to face our fears, and almost everyone has fears when it comes to sex.

A teacher once said to me that we don’t need to be perfect. All we need to do is move towards our joy and deal with whatever comes up. I think that captures the essence of making sex a practice.

A mixture of circumstance and fate, really. I was attending UC Berkeley as an undeclared undergrad. I was thinking about Political Science so that I could move on to become a lawyer. After realizing Political Science did not interest me in any way, I was feeling pretty lost for a long time. I ended up taking a Queer Visual Cultures class because I thought it sounded interesting and I was thinking about going into Film. While the Film aspect did not interest me at all, the sexuality theory kept my eyes wide open in class for the whole semester. That’s when I figured out my life would revolve around learning as much as I could about Sex and Sexuality. I made up my own Sexuality major through the school’s interdisciplinary department and for a while, I actually wanted to go into Sex Therapy. That was until my junior year. I had just applied to be in a high level position in the University of California Marching Band … and was rejected. The night of the rejection, I went on a field trip with my Female Sexuality class and informed my facilitators of the rejection. A few days later, they pulled me aside and encouraged me to apply as a facilitator myself. I applied, was accepted, and ended up facilitating the course for 2 semesters. Throughout my duration as a facilitator I experienced first hand the power of caring and conscious educators in helping people to navigate through what is, unfortunately, a very muddy and complex topic in this culture. I was hooked!

How did you start giving sex advice?

Well, in college, when people would ask, “So, what’s your major?” my answer was Sexuality. Once people learned that I was Sexuality major, it opened the flood gates for a great deal of questions. Luckily, I’ve always been very sexually curious and so even though my formalized education didn’t necessarily provide all the answers, the myriad books I had read provided some accurate answers.

Where did you get your education?

My undergrad education was at UC Berkeley (Sexuality Major, LGBT Minor), and my grad education will be from Widener University (Education in Human Sexuality). That being said, my real grasp of what subjects needed to be taught and how to approach those topics was through Female Sexuality (Femsex), a peer led class at UC Berkeley.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

The ability to make someone feel more comfortable in their own skin with very simple and conscious words.

What is your most common question?

Having taught at a high school level for years, there is no such thing as the most common question. Most question revolved around issues of normalcy. The “is this normal” or if “if I like this, am I normal?” The answer is yes 99 times out of 100, so that question is always fun to answer.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

Anonymous questions about relationship violence. It’s difficult to answer those questions because you can’t ask guiding or clarifying questions, and relationship violence seems to always have so many variables. So the general advice and resources that you’re able to give MAY be helpful, but they may also miss the mark on what that person needed to know or needed to hear. And in the realm of relationship violence, that always sucks because you want that person to no longer be in that situation, and your answer is not a guarantee they’ll figure a way out.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

The Hitachi Magic Wand. I recently decided to try a new toy after using the wand for 7 years… and there isn’t really any comparison for me personally. It’s worth the size and noise and being attached to a wall.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

That desire can be wildly unpredictable. Every time I think I have something figured out, I get blasted with a craving or desire or inclination that I would never have imagined myself having. Learning this has been interesting because it’s taught me to be unapologetic and unashamed about my desires, whatever that may be. Makes exploring sex way more fun when you don’t feel like you need to apologize for your curiosities or discoveries!

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

Well, other than the crazy street cred, working at GV has helped me to realize that if you teach about from an angle of humor and respect, your audiences in all their diversity, will usually respond in a positive and constructive way.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

If you want to be a GOOD sex educator, get ready to process some serious shit. You have to understand yourself as a sexual being at a level that most people don’t have to. You have to know your triggers and your personal agendas and your biases, AND THEN you have to learn to how to keep those in check or be transparent about those things while you’re teaching. If you don’t, your biases show, and your audience may be alienated as a result. As sex is a topic that is filled with all kinds of emotion, knowledge acquisition is not enough to teach sexuality well (it’s not like teaching math), you also have to be savvy in the ways of emotion management within a classroom or educational space.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

The importance of the brain in sexual functioning, how to articulate how that works, and why it’s important to keep conscious of that info!

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That youth are not sexual and don’t deserve information about sex and sexuality. I think that our attitudes about the aptitude and capacity of our youth is one of the major factors in perpetuating a societal standard of unhealthy relationships with sexuality. The silence and negativity just perpetuate the cycles of ignorance, violence, and feelings of isolation we experience. Sex should feel good, both physiologically and emotionally, and until we start elucidating that aspect of sex for our youth, we’re just setting our future adults up for failure in that arena.

What projects are you working on now?

Getting those letters! Although I was running a super fun after school program (The Sex Ed Squad Program for the Daly City Youth Health Center) training youth in peer health education skills, I decided that getting that MA (possibly Ed.) would allow me to bring sex-positive, empowerment based programs to more youth than just those in the Daly City/Pacifica area. So, for the next two to four years, I will be at Widener University in Chester, PA learning important educationally focused skills and expanding my knowledge set.

Where can people find out more about you?

http://beccassexblog.blogspot.com

What led you to become a Sex Educator?

Initially it was because of the men in the leather club that I pledged; they impressed upon me the need for everyone in the community to give something back, and they asked me to teach them what I knew about knife play; I found out after doing a few classes for them and for the other local kink group that I not only had a passion for educating, I really enjoyed watching class attendees embracing new ideas and new ways of having great sex & kink – so I kept teaching!

How did you start giving sex advice?

Back in late middle school, I was the only girl who had read a copy of Our Bodies Our Selves, so I had the information – even though I didn’t really know what to do with it!  Years later, as I started to become more involved in the kink community, I found that there were tons of people who didn’t understand the basics, so I started researching and going to classes in order to be able to pass along information to others.

Where did you get your education in sexuality?

As I mentioned in a previous answer, my main initial source of information was Our Bodies, Our Selves; over the years I’ve been an eager explorer and have looked to both people and printed resources to learn more (including the old fashioned “try it” method!).

What do you love about giving sex advice?

I love seeing people become more empowered by learning more about their bodies, their emotions, and their relationships, as well as the techniques that they need in order to get what they want. Once they feel empowered &

What is your most common question?

There isn’t a most common question – my list of classes is so varied that there’s not even really a “common class” – but the types of questions I most often hear are from people who want to create more intimacy and trust in their relationships. Whether it’s a class on g-spot or anal play, or a class on heavy BDSM skills, I believe that a huge focus for most people is on creating positive change in their relationships, and how various sexual / kink techniques can strengthen & open those relationships up to even more amazing possibilities.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

When teaching a class on polyamory for non-primary partners, an attendee in the back row (who had been obviously emotional for the whole class) raised their hand and asked, “So, when you’ve identified your needs and you’ve asked for them to be met, and they haven’t been getting met, what do you do then?” It honestly broke my heart; most of us have been in a relationship situation where we had to decide if it was worth staying, and it was obvious that she was in that place, doing just that. It also brought out a lot of visible emotion from other attendees, so I asked permission to take a few moments to talk about making that decision of whether to stay in the relationship if our needs aren’t being met (or even acknowledged), and we as a class discussed it. It was one of the most challenging moments I’ve had as an educator, but because of that, I hope that it gave a number of people in the class the support that they needed at that time, and that I did my best to create that safe space for them.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

My hands! Honestly – I can use them with force and finesse, I can explore the inside and outside of my partners bodies, I can play 100% safe with them by simply putting on gloves, I get immediate feedback through the sensations I feel, and they’re infinitely creative.

How do you think your book/film/website is different from others out there?

My website is really more of a resource for other folks about who I am and what I think is important; I am not a sex blogger (try as I might!), nor do I review bunches of cool stuff. I do write & put up links to my writing there, and occasionally when I feel like I have something important to talk about, I’ll do it there, but it’s primarily a way for folks to stay in contact with what I’m doing and what classes & services I offer.

Where do you teach? If you travel, what is it like? Where was your  favorite place to teach? Most unusual panel or experience?

I teach pretty much anywhere that asks me. I’ve traveled from my home base (the Washington, DC area) all over the northeast, into the midwest, California, Canada, and New Zealand. My favorite places to teach are often kink camping events (Leather Retreat, Dark Odyssey:Summer Camp, Spank Festival, TEASE); they are usually more laid back than hotel events, and since I have all weekend I can take a lot more time with attendees to answer their questions and encourage them to give something new a try!

My most nervewracking experience was teaching a class on Polyamory years ago and having Tristan Taormino in the front row. Having to speak in front of one of my role models was terrifying enough, but knowing that she was so well-versed in the topic I was talking about made it one of those “We’re not worthy!” moments. She asked some amazing questions, and was so engaged in the discussion that my nerves slipped away pretty quickly, thankfully – and it was good experience for the times since that I’ve had people whose work I admire and follow sitting in the group that I’m teaching.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

We *say* that everyone is different, but I’ve found it to be the absolute truth. I hear people in every class talk about what works for them, and I learn something new with every experience I hear about. In fact, the last time I taught my g-spot class at Good Vibrations in Brookline, one of my students showed me a different technique that I’d never used – and I’ve since passed that along to other students who’ve found it very helpful for them to get the kind of stimulation that they’ve been wanting!

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

Good Vibrations has really set the stage for sex educators like me to do the work we’re doing in front of such diverse groups. It’s commitment to quality products and education makes it easy for me to suggest GV to people as shopping location, as well as to know that the items & books that I recommend can be found all in one spot (especially because I tend to be very picky about the quality of what I recommend to students). On a personal level, teaching classes at Good Vibes is highly rewarding, as I feel like I’m offering my knowledge to people that would never come to some of the other venues I teach in, and that I can leave them “in the hands” of the staff who are eminently able to help students find the right item for them to explore with.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

Only follow it to the point that you’re passionate about it. There are lots of ways to make a positive impact in sex education & sex positivity; teaching face to face is only one. I have seen some people push to become sex educators who find that they really don’t get a charge out of teaching diverse groups of people – and while it’s okay to feel that way, it does significantly limit the effectiveness. Do what feels great for you – work should be something that sustains us and feeds us, and brings us to a fuller sense of who we are in the world; if this is it, fantastic! The world needs you to teach! If it’s not? Find another way to educate – through writing, sex therapy or coaching, counseling, or any other way that gets your message across and leaves you feeling great.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

Never – Never, never – make an assumption about someone based on what you see or hear. The ultra femme person in the back of the room might identify as a male, and might resent being referred to as “she”; the apparently conservative, white middle class folks up front might be the kinkiest people you’ll ever meet. The least-attractive (to you!) person in the room might have a fantastic sex life – far better than yours or mine. And the person that looks like they have it all together might be the one in the most need of assurance that they’re okay.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

That this is all hard stuff. Really – it’s about pleasure – and the biggest barrier to the experience of pleasure is our own minds. The best combination of all, when it comes to enjoying yourself, is your attitude towards pleasure and your willingness to be creative. When we can relax and laugh, and think about doing things in different ways, our sex lives (whether it’s penetrative sex, or kinky sex, or dirty talk – or whatever!) can blossom in ways that we might not have expected.

Which is your favorite project that you’ve worked on?

I honestly don’t know – I love the projects that I’ve worked on in the past, but I have a new concept for helping other sex educators that I’m working on getting off the ground. Stay tuned to my website for more details!

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Honor your own boundaries, and speak up for your needs. If it doesn’t feel good – change it, change how you look at it, or don’t do it. The GGG (good, giving, and game) concept for the type of “girlfriend” that we should be is great, but only up to a point – we need that same attitude from our partner if we’re going to try new things, or we’ll end up feeling taken advantage of. Your pleasure is worth your energy and time!

What projects are you working on now?

I’m working on a few anthologies for the Power Exchange book series, rolling out a business geared towards sex positive professionals, writing for various websites, and planning two books on service.

Where can people find out more about you?

My website is SarahSloane.net – and I’m easily internet stalk-able.

You can find me on Twitter, Facebook, and Fetlife under the same name, as well!

So I decided to take a look at the draft, which is available as a pdf here. And I have to say that I’m quite impressed. Before talking about the current controversy, I want to mention some highlights.

First, this document is based on a really thorough analysis of the research. Section 4 (The Evidence Base for Sexuality Education) shows that many comprehensive sex education programs designed to reduce rates of unintended pregnancy and STIs/HIV are effective. Many of the programs have the desired impact (e.g. increased condom use, decrease in number of sexual partners, decrease in sexual risks, etc.), while others had no impact. However, none of the programs increased the behaviors associated with higher risk. For example, they didn’t lead to earlier initiation of intercourse, more partners, or more frequent sex. Clearly, well-designed sex education doesn’t make youth have more sex, despite the rather rabid claims by the abstinence-only crowd.

Speaking of which, the authors also looked at the research on abstinence programs and found that they have no significant impact on condom use, age of intercourse, or the other factors that are associated with sexual risk taking. There are some methodological difficulties that make assessing them challenging. It’s almost as if the people who promote abstinence-only miseducation don’t want to admit that it doesn’t work.

I’m also really pleased with the assumptions that the authors made when writing the Review:

• Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of human life: it has physical, psychological, spiritual, social, economic, political and cultural dimensions.
• Sexuality cannot be understood without reference to gender.
• Diversity is a fundamental characteristic of sexuality.
• The rules that govern sexual behaviour differ widely across and within cultures. Certain behaviours are seen as acceptable and desirable while others are considered unacceptable. This does not mean that these behaviours do not occur, or that they should be excluded from discussion within the context of sexuality education.

While these seem pretty obvious to me, it’s worth noting that sex education is often presented as if it isn’t affected by someone’s assumptions. When that happens, sex is discussed in a conceptual vacuum. We often do that in order to create some intellectual and emotional distance, perhaps in order to avoid sensitive or controversial topics, or because we believe that distance equals objectivity. In fact, all distance creates is distance and nobody is “objective” when it comes to sex.

I prefer to make my assumptions explicit than pretend that they don’t exist since to do otherwise is to give them more influence over the process. And anyway, when we make them explicit, we model the ways in which we can assess our assumptions, decide which ones we want to keep, and work them into our decision-making. My experience is that that’s much more effective than pretending to be objective, so I’m really pleased that the Review does the same.

It’s also really amazing that the Review includes a whole lot of learning objectives for 23 different topics (divided among 6 Key Concepts such as “Relationships” and “Sexual and Reproductive Health”). Not only that, but they offer age-appropriate objectives for 4 different age ranges (5-8, 9-12, 12-15, 15-18+), so there’s a lot to work with. They don’t offer curricula, since they need to be created in culturally-mindful ways by individual program developers. Since effective sexuality education, like every other topic, is most effective when it’s repeated over time with increasingly complex material, there’s a lot to work with here. (For another look at how this might work check out the Our Whole Lives curricula developed bu the Unitarian-Universalist Association.)

Clearly, I’m quite impressed with the Review and even though this is still an unfinished draft, I think that everyone interested in sexuality education should read it. And as always, not everyone agrees.

According to the NY Times, some anti-sex folks (mostly in the US) are attacking the document, claiming that discussions of homosexuality and letting people know that abstinence is “only one of a range of choices available to young people” who want to reduce their risk are morally wrong. They also think that telling 5 year olds about masturbation is wrong. Given that many kids discover how good it feels when they touch themselves, it only seems reasonable to me to talk about it. And here are the key ideas that have these folks worked up:

• Most children are curious about their bodies
• It is natural to explore and touch parts of one’s own body
• Bodies can feel good when touched
• Touching and rubbing one’s genitals is called masturbation
• Some people masturbate and some do not
• Masturbation is not harmful, but should be done in private

These seem pretty reasonable to me and they’re consistent with what we know about children and masturbation, but apparently this is too scary for some folks. And given that abstinence is, in fact, one of a range of choices that includes using condoms or engaging in less-risky behaviors, it’s pretty clear to me that what’s really working these folks up is that UNESCO is talking about sexuality in an honest and authentic manner, rather than promoting an erotophobic ideology that doesn’t fit the real world..

I’m also intrigued by the concern voiced in the NY Times article that sexuality education programs “remove responsibility from parents.” First off, just how well does it seem to be working to have parents be the sole source of sexuality information? As a general rule, not too well. And second, in what way does having a school-based program take responsibility away from parents? Why does a school program mean parents can’t talk about sex with their kids? If anything, the in-school discussions could facilitate talking at home, making it easier for parents to address their kid’s concerns and questions.

Here’s another quote from the NY Times:

“If you ever have a situation where kids need to be taught earlier than their adolescence, this is not the way to do it,” said Colin Mason of the Population Research Institute, an anti-abortion organization based in Virginia. “It’s very graphic and encourages practices like masturbation, which conservative Christians and others feel are wrong.”

So instead, he’d rather keep people ignorant until they become teens. But we know that lots of young people start exploring sex long before their parents know about it. We also know that young children are curious about their bodies, relationships, making decisions and other topics that are related to or part of age-appropriate sex education. If you want to help kids make better decisions, keeping them ignorant doesn’t work.

I’m willing to give most folks the benefit of the doubt and say that I believe that they want to keep young people safe. (I also recognize that there are many other reasons that people fear sex, especially when it comes to young people having sex.) And when you look at the research, when you look at what actually works, it’s clear that comprehensive, age-appropriate education is the best tool we have.

When facts conflict with your beliefs or ideas, you can either ignore the facts or change your mind (once you’ve checked the facts, of course). We know what the facts are. Now, we just need to act on them.

What led you to become a Sex Educator?

I have always been fascinated with sex. Is there anyone who isn’t? I knew that I did not want to spend my life doing something that I hated, so I found something I loved and decided to make a career of studying and teaching about it.

How did you start giving sex advice?

When I was five, my best friend asked me if I ever touched “down there”. I told her that of course I had and I had “invented this really cool thing”. I thought I was the first person to ever have an orgasm and it was my job to teach everyone else about it and how to do it. So now I do!

Where did you get your education in sexuality?

I got my undergraduate degree from Hunter College and my Masters degree in general psychology at Adelphi University. During those programs I took as many courses as possible on sexuality, gender and sexual diversity. I then took a certification program with AACS (American Academy of Clinical Sexologists). I completed their certification program and maintain current knowledge of the field by pursuing continuing education credits every year through workshops and conferences.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

Knowing that someone felt comfortable enough to ask me a personal question and hoping that they got enough out of the answer to improve their sex life significantly.

What is your most common question?

Is_______ normal?

And the answer is always the same…

If you enjoy it and it does not hurt you, your partner(s) or anyone else… then yes… it is.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

If I have HPV and I am about to enter into a polygamous marriage, is it my responsibility to inform my husbands other wife if he has not done so?

The answer is not hard…. it is just hard to explain that it is necessary to share that information and the best way to go about it without causing conflict in the marriage.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

Simple multispeed vibrating eggs are very versatile for males and females and I find to be non threatening to males as a first toy for couples use.

Where do you teach? If you travel, what is it like? Where was your favorite place to teach? Most unusual panel or experience?

I teach at a college in New York. There are 4 campuses and I find great variation when teaching at each of them. I find that the younger students in the poorer socioeconomic locations benefit most from some of the introductory information…. but that every student… even the ones who “know it all” learn something every semester.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

“Men who are not immediately aroused by a woman are gay.”

Where can people find out more about you?

www.CertifiedSexEducator.com

As a teenager, I thought I’d become a philosopher!  After my initiation into BDSM, I realized that there was more to our human sexuality than just vanilla sex and there was a lot to discover.  An early member of the Society of Janus, only the second BDSM educational organization in the US, I volunteered for everything!  Plus I met and married a kinky man who desired other types of input than I liked, and so on.  We explored a lot together as well as with others in our “kinky” community.  We learn, only then to teach.

How did you start giving BDSM advice?

I was asked to speak at Leather Conferences in the mid/late eighties.

15 years ago, I created my Academy of SM Arts in 1995 as a way to dispel negative myths and false notions about fetish and BDSM.  I wanted to empower those drawn to explore their erotic fantasies of consensual powerplay to come out to their partners so they could find as much connection, healing and satisfying sex life including the exploration of their erotic secret desires.

Where did you get your education?

From the Catacombs in San Francisco to volunteering as a bottom at early Janus programs and attending every BDSM class at leather conferences, the community has been my classroom. As the scene was developing here and other metro areas, I was blessed to meet and learn from the pioneers of our lifestyle.  I did professional dominance for over 20 years.  Leather folks of all sexual orientations, my clients and their many fetishes, as well as my own personal sexual explorations, sure gave me a hands-on education!

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

My hands.   Hands are very versatile and always available. Of course, foggers, canes, clamps, ropes do come in handy too.

Where do you teach? If you travel, what is it like? Where was your favorite place to teach?

While I am the CEO of the Academy of SM Arts here in the SF bay area, I do travel and have given classes and offered rituals all over the USA, Canada and abroad.   I find the small classes I teach at Good Vibes, turning on people to explore the hidden side of their sexuality involving negotiated power dynamics, to be as exciting as presenting for several hundred leather folks at a conference.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

Turn on for intensity and subtle erotic power exchange is where I live. Exploring taboos is hot and I continue to find very interesting how many men and women have rape fantasies, which I translate as “use me and make me fly” desires. Diametrically opposed to rape indeed!  Yes rough sex is hot for many and  so is service!

How has what you’ve done at Good Vibrations helped you?

It has pointed out to me that a little kink lives in the sexuality of so many and that the exploration of it is a process that takes time, care and good communication skills.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

Slow down and breathe. Be in the moment. Go for the energy.

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Follow your intuition with erotic games of power exchange. Giving it up is just as empowering as taking control.

What projects are you working on now?

I continue to coach couples in the privacy of my SF Bay Area playspace and the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives my Academy of SM Arts offers Men and Women grows ever more popular.  Plus, I am sharing my story on Gloria Brame’s Blog as a way to encourage others to be open to the intimacy consensual BDSM play cultivates. My next class at Good Vibes will be geared to reaching more couples new to the scene.

Ah when I have the funds I want to make another film. The Pain Game, my 2000 award wining film  has been so well received  I want to  do another with kinky  couples in mind.

Where can people find out more about you?

www.sm-arts.com

There are a couple of risks that you take when you start looking for pills that haven’t been tested. First, there’s the question of effectiveness. Some products don’t contain anything that actually does any good. Others contain so little of it that there’s no real effect. That can be hard to prove, given that the placebo effect can make it seem like you’re getting some benefit. That’s why drug companies perform double-blind testing.

The placebo effect is especially interesting when it comes to erection pills. Since anxiety is known to cause erection difficulties, taking a pill can make a guy feel more confident, which often has the desired effect even if the pill’s ingredients don’t do any good. But even so, GV doesn’t carry products that make medical claims, in part because we can’t guarantee that you’re getting anything out of them.

On the other hand, there’s also no guarantee of safety. Erection pills can contain all sorts of stuff that isn’t safe to use. It may be that some of the ingredients are unsafe to use at all. More commonly, an ingredient may be safe if properly manufactured, but not all makers of these “herbal supplements” take the time to do so. And just because something is “herbal” or “natural” doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily safe. Curare and cyanide are natural products, too.

The pills can also contain stuff that’s not listed on the label. According to the FDA, more than 1/3 of the erection products tested contained sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra) or an ingredient similar to either sildenafil or vardenafil (the active ingredient in Levitra). You might be thinking, “Great! That means it works.” But the bottles didn’t actually list those among the ingredients and taking a medication without knowing what’s in it is a great way to have unfortunate consequences. Doctors and pharmacists are supposed to make sure that a new prescription isn’t going to combine with other meds, but if you’re just popping a pill from your local porn store, there isn’t anyone looking out for you.

One of the warning signs, at least in my opinion, is when the label says “100% safe” or “no side effects.” There’s nothing in the world that is 100% safe- there are people who are allergic or sensitive to ingredients that most people have no trouble with. That’s why prescription and over-the-counter medications have allergy info on the packaging.

There’s also no such thing as “no side effects” when it comes to pills. There may be unwanted effects that only affect a few people, but people’s reactions to drugs vary widely and there’s nothing that we all have the same experience with. If a product claims to have no side effects, that should be setting off your waning lights. In general, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

So for all of these reasons, you won’t see erection pills on our shelves. We can’t guarantee that they’re both effective and safe, so we’re not willing to sell them. And anyway, one of the best ways to deal with erection difficulties is to do your PC muscle exercises. While it’s not as fast as popping a pill, it’s much safer and the effects are longer lasting.