Buying a Mattress
By John Thursday • Jan 25th, 2010 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesA few months ago I had to buy a mattress. There are many things to consider. Do you want a traditional mattress with springs or space age foam that lets you sleep on your keys. Why you would want to sleep on your keys I do not know but they use this as a selling point.
Do you want a one-inch pillow top, a two-inch pillow top, or a five-inch pillow top?
Would you like a compostable mattress you can plant a garden in, as well as sleep on, or would you like a flame retardant mattress that will be here two million years from now?
Then comes the real question, Soft? Firm? Or Hard? Seriously, those are the words. This is more than just a sleep question.
Mattress shopping is an absurd experience. We lie back in public with our bellies exposed. We keep our shoes on as we toss and turn. We admit to the subtle shame of being a side sleeper. Doing these things help us make an informed decision.
But when I was there what I was really trying to get a feel for, the true aim to my search was the answer to this question, what is it going to be like to have sex on this mattress?
The salesperson assured me that soft, firm, or hard, they were all equally supportive. It was just a question of taste. “Try the soft mattress,” he said.
Ha!
I know people who prefer very soft mattresses. I slept with one once. And I mean once. It was a terrible thing. She may have slept well on it but I couldn’t ball her on it.
With every thrust she’d sink deeper into the spineless cotton slab. It was as though she was fleeing from me. And really, giving chase while courting is a metaphor. It’s no way to actually have sex.
I finally succeeded in cornering her but it didn’t matter. When I pushed hard the mattress acted like a giant shock absorber. All my energy disappeared into the cotton and springs and left me near inert, my hips landing against hers with a delicate little *dink*.
I knew that soft mattresses were out. That left firm and hard. But how to check? It’s not something you can ask the salesperson. They’re always saying things like, “I have this bed at home. Haven’t had an ounce of back pain since I got it.”
But you’ll never hear a mattress salesperson say, “I have this bed at home and let me tell you, nothing beats it for doggy style ass-banging.”
I needed to know how the mattress would support me on my knees. Would it be soft enough to kneel on but hard enough to push back? Ever tried to have sex when you don’t have your footing? Without solid ground or good leverage sex can quickly become as exhausting as trying to get your high school girlfriend to come.
I had to get up on my knees. But I was in public shopping for a mattress. Who sleeps on their knees? At the same time imagine getting your mattress home to discover you won’t be balling from behind anymore because you and your girl end up bouncing at different frequencies. I had no choice.
I turned on my side away from the salesperson in the hope he would leave me alone for a moment. I lay there listening for his footsteps to let me know he was walking away. I reminisced about masturbating as a child listening for footsteps at the door. Then, with as much nonchalance as I could muster, I hopped up on my knees.
That was a start. But it’s not simply about being on your knees. It’s about moving while on your knees, shifting your weight back and forth. While it may not be the end of the world to be seen in public on your knees on a mattress – thrusting your hips back and forth while on your knees on a mattress is a game changer.
I stretched my back to appear like everything was normal. I don’t know why stretching gives the appearance of normalcy but it is universal. Once in a cemetery in Papua New Guinea I had to pee behind a gravestone and stretched while I did it. No one thought anything of it.
I stretched. I took a look around. The salesperson had disappeared. One man on the other side of the store was putting his keys in his back pocket to try out the memory foam. I took a deep breath and then I thrust. Without a girls hips in front of me I flew forward and landed face down.
I popped back up as if I were testing for the mattresses bouncing qualities. I stretched again. Then I began to thrust with a little less vim. Back and forth I went. I could feel the mattress supporting my weight and pushing back at me. It felt good, solid. It felt like the kind of base you could use for a good ol’ doggy style ass banging.
I was convinced. The firm mattress it was. And I had gotten away with it. But it seems there should be a private room at those mattress stores for people to try these positions out. I mean we don’t only sleep on our beds.
I gave the woman at the register my credit card. She asked if I was happy with my choice. I said yes. Then, and I swear this happened, she winked at me and said, “Nice.”
John Thursday >>
All posts by John Thursday
Word count for this post: 909
Wait, there’s subtle shame in being a side sleeper? No one told me!
i’d like to put in a word for a slightly underfilled air mattress as a great platform for modified missionary (e.g., left arm over shoulder holding back, left hand directly under butt). there’s a “rocker” motion which allows remarkable power and high impact with limited exertion.
oops, i meant right hand directly under butt.
I am a side sleeper and I’m not ashamed to admit it. BTW, you brought up some good points about choosing a mattress. I never thought about choosing a mattress that will be harmonizing when my hubby and I having our sexy time. Altough, I have to admit our bed is perfect for us. But we will eventually think about a new bed.
So curious on the activities you employed to get your HS gf to come. Were you occasionally successful?
Two beds.
We have a memory foam for sleeping but having sex on it is like having your spinal cord severed. You think you are moving but nothing moves,
We have a firm guest bed that is used for playing. The only downside is we are left with bathroom sex when we have company. On occasion we have used it as an excuse for a little Hotel Sex! One of our person favorites.
I love my firm bed with a one inch foam top. However, I hate my frame. I love banging hard and so does wife but having the headboard hit the wall all the time wakes the neighbors and makes asking for a glass of milk for my chocolate cake, when I have run out, very difficult. Any suggestions? For now, the frame is in the garage and the mattress and box spring is on the floor!
Ah, yes, the travails of mattres (Leave off the last “S” for Savings, or perhaps sic.) buying.
It seems like you made a very sound choice. I go for the firm as well, but I like having a generous pillow top. I feel like it’s the best of both worlds: some firmness for a solid foundation when the freak is getting on, and something soft and plush for when it’s cuddle time.
As to the comment from “A. Rousing,” I had a similar problem. However, spending a chunk of cash on a wrought iron headboard made removing ours an undesirable course. The solution we arrived at was to pad it.
There were only a few spots where the headboard would smack the wall, and the wall itself indicated where those spots were. We initially just put some felt on the back of the headboard on the key areas. While this helped with the marks on the wall, the impactful banging still persisted.
We wound up hanging a hoodie on one of the headboard’s corner posts. That extra padding, in concert with the felt bits, not only eliminated the marks, but also the noise from the smack of the metal against the wall. As to squeaking, that could just be an old frame, and they are very inexpensive to replace.
John, I wish many happy years of sleeping and doggie-style ass banging on your new bed. Don’t forget the lube because no bed of any support level can remove the pain of lube-less anal.
Thank you Mary – I did not understand “doggie style ass-banging” to be actual ass-insertion!
I thought it was referring to that slapping sound the pelvis makes as it bangs against the ass during pussy-insertion sex.
I feel so silly – like when you mishear the lyrics to a song and sing them wrong.
Thank you for that insight into the mysterious JT.