Good Vibrations Magazine

photo by Benjy Feen

What led you to become a sex educator?

An intellectual epiphany. At San Francisco State University I was the Queen of Intro Courses: journalism, business, art, etc. One semester I took Introduction to Human Sexuality. The very first topic? Legal battles over intersex children’s rights and genital reassignment surgery. I swear, the heavens opened up and I realized my purpose in life.

How did you start giving sex advice?

When I was a teen. Many of my friends were young Catholics that loved sex but never considered using any birth control. I found if I obtained condoms for them they sometimes used protection. Sadly, all stores in my home state had a policy prohibiting condom sales to minors. So I had to steal them.

Where did you get your education?

Everywhere. I traveled extensively as a teen and met people of all different genders, sexual orientations and proclivities. My official training came through San Francisco State (BA Minor in Sexuality Studies), San Francisco Sex Information, and Good Vibrations. I am currently a candidate for a Master of Arts in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University. The rest of my training? Every single conversation I have had with anyone about sex, professionally or otherwise.

What do you love about giving sex advice?

Giving people permission to accept themselves. I don’t mean that I wield some magical power over self-awareness, but speaking to people about their sex lives, reassuring them that their desires are healthy and that sex is not evil is helpful. We tend to harbor hidden anxieties about sex because so few frank discussions actually occur. I love facilitating those discussions.

What is your most common question?

Depends on the questioner. Teen girls tend to ask about painful sex, pregnancy and STDs. Teen guys tend to ask about relationships and fetishes. Adults ask about sexual statistics, which I think is their roundabout way of asking “Am I Normal?” to which I reply: there is no “normal” in sex. Sex is very, very, very diverse.

What is the most difficult or hard-to-answer question you’ve ever received?

“Is there a way to avoid power struggles in a relationship?” A teenager submitted this question to me anonymously. We proceeded to have a very complicated discussion about gender dynamics and economic inequality in relationships. This is why anyone wanting to ban sex education to protect teens’ innocence drives me batty. Teenagers are far more astute than you realize.

What is your favorite sex toy and why?

Hands! Nature made the most versatile sex toy on earth. As for man-made sex toys, I have to pick a few. 1) Laya by Fun Factory. Great beginner toy for clit stimulation, variety of speeds, inexpensive, friendly to all genitals, and can be used easily with a partner. 2) Hitachi Magic Wand. Iconic, durable sex toy that can be used everywhere. 3) Eroscillator 2 Deluxe. The oscillation provides some of the most unique clitoral stimulation.

What was the most interesting thing you learned in your exploration of sex?

We need to take a collective deep breath and stop moralizing, regulating and demonizing sex. Sex is actually pretty funny so laugh about it a little more. Queefing still throws me into a complete giggle fit.

How has what you’ve done or found at Good Vibrations helped you?

Talking to everyday people about enhancing their sex lives helped me to approach sex discussions in a calm inviting manner. If I, as the sex educator, am nervous or guarded then the person/group I address will feel the same way.

What would be your number one piece of advice for someone interested in a career of sex education?

Throw yourself into the field. Learn everything you possibly can. Don’t be afraid to say “I’m not sure” or “I don’t know.” Realize that you will sometimes accidentally give out misinformation but strive to be 100% accurate at all times. Recognize your own biases and rein them in when you talk about sex.

What’s the best thing you’ve learned or best advice you’ve received?

1) The brain and skin are our two biggest sexual organs. Use them. 2) Put lube on the inside and outside of a condom. Lube decreases friction and enhances the sensation. Really, I can’t say enough about the miracle that is glycerin-free water-based or silicone lube.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about sex?

The following equation: Penis + Vagina = Sex. There are so many wonderful ways to feel sexual pleasure and some people can have an orgasm without genital contact. Also, the silly hierarchy of sex acts where kissing is at the bottom and penetrative penile vaginal sex is at the top.

Which is your favorite project that you’ve worked on?

Developing different sex education curricula for classroom settings. I work at a high school in the Bay Area where I constructed a sex ed class that went beyond comprehensive sex education to discuss gender, sexual orientation, relationships and sex as a potential source of pleasure.

What is your best piece of sex advice for women?

Your body is yours and pleasure for the sake of pleasure is a good thing. Our culture has so many regulations surrounding women’s sexuality. Ignore all of them. Also: masturbate without worrying about getting off. Light up every nerve ending on your own body just to see what it feels like. You are much sexier than you realize and it has nothing to do with that low cut dress some women’s magazine told you to buy.

What projects are you working on now?

Mostly my thesis. On the side I am creating a pilot sex ed video to snag funds for a website, a series of fairy tales that subvert the ubiquitous princess narrative, and a sex question book.

Where can people find out more about you?

My snazzy little blog: http://sexademic.wordpress.com