SF Superheroes
By John Thursday • Jan 5th, 2010 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesI was at my friend Kaya’s house for dinner when she made mention of a game she plays with her friends. The game is what super power would you have.
I know we all played this game as kids. But even in my latency period I wished for x-ray vision to see beneath the clothes of my second grade love, Jessica. She had such lovely brown hair. And I loved the way her corduroy overalls fell over her Mary Janes. But I digress.
Kaya’s version was a very adult game. For example, Kaya wanted the ability to give people a sense of humor. She theorized that with this power she could render Hipsters extinct. Think about it, have you ever seen a Hipster laugh?
Her friend wanted the ability to give people love. That’s when I realized what a Bay Area tone this game had.
In New York people would want the ability to find a rent-controlled apartment, or to predict stock prices, or to magically appear at the front of Zabar’s smoked fish counter on Friday afternoons. But out here it’s a little different.
What follows is a list of imagined Bay Area Superheroes and Villains inspired by Kaya’s game. Which ones are Heroes and which Villains will depend on your point of view.
ORGASM MAN – He exists for one reason – to make women come. But not simply come. That’s not good enough for this San Francisco superstar. With dexterous fingers and a tongue trained in the finest workshops at Harbin, Orgasm Man does not rest until his ladies are squirming, crying, hyperventilating and finally, in repose.
Like all superheroes his powers come with a price. Orgasm man cannot commit. After all, what is the point of being Orgasm Man if you are only giving orgasms to one woman?
HEART OPENING GODDESS – We’ve all met her. The woman who stares deep into your eyes and with a sexualized spirituality dares you to open your heart. The fact that you close your heart because she is making you slightly uncomfortable, that’s your issue..
You can recognize her by three things: hair is long and could use some product, especially on the ends; her clothes are tighter than your typical earth mother; her earrings make noise.
NOT HOT HOT GIRL – She’s not hot, not even attractive, both inside and out, yet people want her. She uses a Jedi mind trick. She waves her hand and says, “I am hot,” and the people believe her. They chase after her. Some women shake their heads in disbelief. Others try to learn her secret. And when the spell wears off, or the sun comes up, men who have fallen for it feel shame.
BIG COCK SPIRIT BOY – He stares into your soul. He speaks of his Buddha nature. He sits very still in parks. And then he takes your hand and places it over his very big cock. His cock is meaningless to him save as a vessel to hold the magnitude of his spirit. He tells you he was put on this earth to fill you with his spirit. It just so happens that his spirit resides in his cock.
LADY OF THE EROGENOUS KNEE – She is so free of all boundaries, so liberated from all hang ups that even the slightest brush upon her knee can send her into a mind blowing orgasm. You are left to marvel at her liberation. It is only later, when you are back home, that you realize she never touched you.
THE COVET COUPLE –They touch each other slowly at the dinner table. They kiss deeply in front of your parents. They get naked and lie on top of one another in your living room, on your couch, at your party. Their sole goal is to make everyone in the world covet their relationship.
THE VENAL VEGAN – Dour, malnourished, and armed with an array of disapproving looks the venal vegan stalks the bicycle paths of Berkeley. His special power is the ability to make non-vegans feel guilty for being alive. They meet in a secret clubhouse below Café Gratitude.
CAPTAIN GET OVER YOURSELF – The sworn enemy of pretense everywhere Captain Get Over Yourself has the ability to make people admit they are full of crap. Armed with a belief in western science and disdain for social etiquette the Captain attacks workshop leaders, herbalists, and sex gurus.
iPHONE APP GIRL – iPhone applications shoot from her fingertips. You never see her because she’s always in her room coding a new app. Rumor has it she’s a genius. Rumor has it her app is going to change the world. Maybe it already has.
CARBON FOOTPRINT BOY - He stands in constant vigilance of the green consequences of or actions. He rolls his eyes when you say you’re flying home for the holidays. He rages when an SUV drives by. He’s furious with anyone who eats an orange from as far away as southern California. He had his own feet removed so that he would leave no footprints.
John Thursday >>
All posts by John Thursday
Word count for this post: 830
Good stuff! I’ll have to check this out again sometime.
In my fantasy, you are a cross between BIG COCK SPIRIT BOY and CAPTAIN GET OVER YOURSELF (with excellent tips from your buddy ORGASM MAN)