Sex Positivity and the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy
By Dr. Charlie Glickman • Dec 30th, 2009 • Category: Blog
There’s a pattern that I’ve seen in some circles to assume that people who describe themselves as sex-positive will do anything and everything. And while that affects anyone who moves in these communities, there’s a way in which it has an impact on women that’s different from the way that it affects men.
Clarisse Thorn has a great post about this. She describes how some men have assumed that because she is a sex- & BDSM-activist and educator, she’s sexually available to them. She’s had men grab her, largely because they thought that her ease in talking about sex meant that she had no boundaries. I’ve had many conversations with various female co-workers and colleagues who have had similar experiences and I see this as part of a larger pattern.
I’ve also talked with a number of sex-positive women who said that they’ve had partners or potential partners feel intimidated that they couldn’t measure up. This seems to be more common if the partner in question is male. “OMG! You must be into some crazy stuff. I hope I can keep up!” In fact, one GV staffer I spoke with said that she doesn’t tell guys where she works until the 3rd or 4th date because it’s not worth getting into if she’s not sure that she’s interested in him. (She tells them that she works at a boutique, which is true. It’s just not the whole truth.)
Women who are able to talk about sex or who have a relaxed attitude towards sex are often seen as having no boundaries. But think about that for a moment- isn’t that just a rehash of the virgin/whore model of female sexuality? Doesn’t the virgin/whore dichotomy say that women are either pure and free from the taint of sex, or are available to any man because they have fallen off the pedestal of being a “good woman”?
The fact that sex positive men aren’t assumed to be sexually available to anyone who wants them highlights the fact that this is more about the regulation of female sexuality than anything else. Of course, I have had plenty of people assume that I do all sorts of crazy things, simply because I can talk about a wide range of sexual practices. But I rarely get attacked or shamed for it and I’ve never had anyone of any gender assume that they could have sex with me because of it.
It’s time for us to let go of the slippery slope model of sex. (Read Gayle Rubin’s Thinking Sex for a good explanation of how the slippery slope connects to sex negativity.) It’s time for us to recognize that women can be anywhere on any of the many sexual spectrums without that implying anything about her sexual availability or interest in other ways to have sex. And it’s time for us to recognize that when we make the assumption that a sex-positive woman has no boundaries, we’re reinforcing the virgin/whore split, with all of the negative consequences that has for women.
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Dr. Charlie Glickman >> Dr. Charlie Glickman has been working at Good Vibrations since 1996, when he joined the staff at our Berkeley store. Currently, he is our Education Program Manager and (among other things) runs our in-store After Hours workshop program, our Off-Site Sex Education Program, trains our Sex Educator-Sales Associates and writes copy for our website. In 2005, Charlie received his doctorate in Adult Sexuality Education from the Union Institute and University in Cincinnati, Ohio. In addition, he offers classes on sexuality for psychotherapists and workshops on teaching for sex educators.
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Word count for this post: 501
Great post…and so very true! Thank you!
It is only a small step from being repeatedly treated like a woman who is available to everyone, to charging men for what otherwise is taken for granted because of being sex-positive.
I’ve found that many traits that are valued in escorts give the wrong impression in the mainstream dating world: being quick to enthuse, easily seduced, passionate, intense, high energy… added to a general relaxed attitude towards sex (that it’s a health issue, not a moral one).
I loved this post and shared it with several friends
@Rachael Thanks for the kind thoughts and for passing this along.
You raise a good point- there are many fantasies about sexually confident and passionate women and in many ways, many escorts are selling that fantasy. Whether someone is acting or is offering an authentic facet of herself is, of course, highly variable. What do you think the reasons for it being received so differently in a non-sexwork context are? It does seem to highlight many of the ambivalences that we (as a society) have around female sexuality.
This is interesting…I just wrote a post with some thoughts that are very related to this actually. And you’re right, it is the virgin/whore dichotomy but people don’t even grasp what that truly is and how backwards it is.
Here’s the part I wrote that is relevant to your post:
“He says things to me lately, more and more often, things like “but I don’t even have to do/say/____ for you in order to get you to do ____ sexual act for me” as though sex were a commodity to be bought and sold between a couple that cares about each other. Bartered for. Negotiated for. As though he’s getting one over on me and I’m losing out by not requiring something in return for ‘putting out’. That’s what his tone sounds like. And he almost had me believing it for a few days there.
But not quite.
(this has always struck me as ironic since having sex solely because and when you enjoy it when you’re female means you’re a whore in our society, but witholding sex when you’re female (even if you want it) in order to get what you want from/to manipulate your boyfriend or husband (and ‘rewarding’ them with it when they do what you want them to) makes you…normal and good wife material. Barf! Count.Me.Out.Please. Exchanging sex for goods and services…hmm what is that called again….let me see…)”
I think men who don’t get this see women who are sex positive as women who are more “loose” shall we say, because we don’t like manipulative games surrounding sex. And yet that makes us less like the proverbial “whore” and yet traps us as that whore image regardless. Our society just makes me so angry sometimes. Women who use sex for gain are seen as more moral. How is that?! argh.
(I have nothing against sex work but I feel it must be both parties’ choice to engage in it, obviously)