What Tiger Woods Can Tell Us About Sex Addiction
By Dr. Charlie Glickman • Dec 28th, 2009 • Category: Blog
Unless you’ve been avoiding the news lately, you’re probably aware that Tiger Woods is in the middle of the latest celebrity sex scandal. And I think that the media kerfulffle over this has a lot to tell us about what we think about sex.
The first thing that strikes me about this situation is that we have a) a good looking dude with b) a lot of money who c) travels a lot and d) is a celebrity. To be honest, I’m surprised that he didn’t have sex with more people than the 14 women we know of as of December 25, 2009. I mean, come on! Does it really surprise anyone? Plus, I know folks who had sex with more people than that in one college semester and I bet you do, too.
The second thing that I notice about this is that it has sparked the predictable question: “is he a sex addict?” Lots of blogs, columns, talk show hosts and pseudo-therapists are lining up to declare that he is or isn’t one, and many of them aren’t delving into the real question of how we define the term.
One of the pleasures of being a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors & Therapists is participating in our email discussions about topics like these and, unsurprisingly, there has been a lively conversation on the topic over the last several days. Part of that dialogue centered on the fact that while sex therapists, sexologists and educators almost universally recognize that some people aren’t able to control their sexual desires, it’s pretty much impossible to come up with a clear definition of what “too much” or “out of control” mean.
Rather than asking whether someone is a sex addict, I think that some of the more relevant questions are:
- What is this person trying to get out of sex and are they getting it?
- Are they trying to use sex to avoid something?
- Are they trying to use sex to meet some other need, especially an emotional need?
- Are they able to be honest with themselves and their partners about what they’re doing?
- Are they able to have creative, spontaneous sex or do they feel the need to follow a scripted routine?
- How do they feel after sex? Do they feel depressed or ashamed? Do they feel joyous and connected to their partner?
Notice that there’s nothing in here that suggests that having more than a certain number of partners is the marker of having a problem. Nor can you tell whether someone has a problem by knowing how often someone has sex, what type of sex they have, or who they have it with. The only way you can tell is by asking them and listening to both what they say and the hidden subtext. Given that (I assume) most of these “experts” never asked Woods these sorts of questions, I don’t see how they can make any kind of determination.
It seems to me that the media’s rush to discuss someone’s supposed sex addiction reflects our cultural sex-negativity more than anything else. The idea that there is something wrong with having “too much” sex or having sex “too often” firmly rests on the myth of the normal and that is at the heart of sex-negativity.
Now, I’ll grant that it sounds to me as if Woods has some problems around honesty. Whether it’s anyone else’s business what he gets up to, it’s certainly his wife’s business and the fact that she didn’t know about his activities is problematic. But imagine what it would be like if, for example, someone like Woods could discuss the possibility of having other sexual partners with his wife? What if he could have been honest about his desires? What if they could have negotiated their boundaries and talked about it with each other? In a society that sees no options other than married or cheating, that offers no role models for sexual diversity or negotiated, consensual non-monogamy, is it really surprising to see someone sneaking around to get some action?
It’s much easier (and makes for better headlines, I suppose) to ask whether Woods is a sex addict. But the question doesn’t really mean much because it takes a complex situation and tries to fit it into a neat category. It turns out that sex addition, just like sex itself, resists being categorized. I’m skeptical of anyone who thinks otherwise, especially if they’re participating in a media feeding frenzy.
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Dr. Charlie Glickman >> Dr. Charlie Glickman has been working at Good Vibrations since 1996, when he joined the staff at our Berkeley store. Currently, he is our Education Program Manager and (among other things) runs our in-store After Hours workshop program, our Off-Site Sex Education Program, trains our Sex Educator-Sales Associates and writes copy for our website. In 2005, Charlie received his doctorate in Adult Sexuality Education from the Union Institute and University in Cincinnati, Ohio. In addition, he offers classes on sexuality for psychotherapists and workshops on teaching for sex educators.
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Hi Charlie,
Good point about the need to be able to discuss the possibility of having other partners, though I take a different approach. As a sex therapist myself who has been married monogamously and happily to the same man for 23 years, I know it is possible to keep one’s pants zipped. I think there needs to be an ongoing discussion between married or committed partners about the challenges of monogamy, instead of simply ignoring them and pretending that it’s always okay, when really, it isn’t. Another possibility would be to talk about the challenges with a caring friend or a therapist. But just flat out lying about multiple transgressions is old school tacky.
Best,
Stephanie
Charlie, Bravo. As you well know there is a whole community out there of Polyamorists who have been watching all the cheating that has been in the news lately and are chuckling to themselves saying that if all these dudes were Poly there wouldn’t be any news. The editor of Loving More Magazine sent out a press release about Poly after the North Carolina Gouvenor got into a bit of trouble with cheating and the press ignored it.
Opening Up is one of the best books on Poly around. Glad to see it in your note.
Ken Haslam MD
@Stephanie I get what you’re saying and I agree- committed monogamy is a perfectly fine choice. It has challenges, although I don’t think they’re necessarily different from the challenges of polyamory. Honesty, authentic communication, caring for your partner, a willingness to do the hard work in order to support each other and the relationship- those are simply the things that make any relationship work (including the non-sexual ones). And even folks who are poly can be tempted to have sex with people outside the agreed-upon limits, so even that’s not necessarily different.
I think that one of the issues that should be discussed in situations like these is one that often seems to be avoided, and, is, in my humble opinion, one that needs to be examined more thoroughly which is the unhealthy interest in the sex lives of other people. Now, I am not speaking from platform of naivete – I understand perfectly well that the media is a business and the goal of any business is to make money. Sex sells, and if they want to make money, the media will sell sex. Supply, demand, basic economics, etc.
What I am speaking of is the inability for many people to live by very basic mind your own business principle. Not only do I not understand why there are so-called professionals who feel the need to even make an armchair medical diagnosis on a patient that they have, as you pointed out, likely never spoke to (which raises all sorts of ethical red flags to me personally), but also the fact that there are people in general who think that the who, what, where, why and how of another person’s sex life is something they should be concerned about.
Please don’t misunderstand…I am all for an open, honest dialog surrounding sex, and think that there really should be more rational discussion about it than seems to take place (present company excepted, of course). However, there needs to be a line drawn at the point where people are airing other people’s sex lives in a public forum when the person in question obviously does not want it to be a topic of conversation. Perhaps out of sense of shame, or fear of reprisal, or deleterious effect on family, friends, co-workers, or, perhaps, even because it’s no one else’s concern. Whatever the reason, it seems to me the desire to not have it discussed among those who are ignorant of the facts or circumstances should be respected.
Perhaps it is something of an old-fashioned notion reflective of a system of values that I inherited from my parents, but who is or is not having sex with who is the sole and exclusive business of the people having sex, or, in this case, the spouses or others directly effected by the sexual encounters of those having sex. Does and should Elin Norgarden Woods have the the right to know who her husband is having sex with, what sort of sex he is practicing with those people, etc? Of course. Aside from whatever boundaries were negotiated in their marriage, and her right to know if the are being succeeded and transgressed, there may be safety concerns – did he practice safe sex, did he engage in risky sexual behaviors – these are things that have potential impact on her health. Should or does anyone else aside from the parties involved have the right to know who Tiger Woods is or is not having sex with? No. Is it the business of the public at large whether or not two people of the same gender identity are having sex with each other? Is it their right to legislate who can and have sexual congress with each other? No and resounding no.
Perhaps it is a bit naive on my part to think that people in general are able to draw the line between what is their business and what isn’t. I guess it would just be nice to see more of them try.
Your mileage, of course, may vary.
Nice piece as always, Charlie.
Cheers,
hQ
Nicely said and nice replies, Charlie. Keep up the good work.