Rudolph
By John Thursday • Dec 21st, 2009 • Category: Be Our Guest, FeaturesMost people don’t believe me but I swear Jingle Bells is about fucking a white woman in a monogamous relationship without a condom. Think about it:
Dashing through the snow / In a one horse open sleigh
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
Dashing through the snow, come on; just one, single horse; in an open, OPEN sleigh. It’s a lot more fun to ride in an open sleigh. Dirty, dirty, dirty ditty..
I’ve been accused of feeling this way because I have too much Jew blood in me. But I don’t think so. Not when you consider that Irving Berlin wrote the songs “Easter Parade” and “White Christmas”. Irving Berlin, born one Israel Baline to Moses and Lena Lipkin Baline.
Such songs are mere confections to sooth the goyim.
What I don’t like about Christmas songs is they mask the truth, none more so than Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
The first part of the song is true. Rudolph was indeed in possession of a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you would absolutely say it glows. No amount of powder made a difference.
All of the other reindeer they laughed, they called him names – like Rudolph the red light district or Rudolph the skank whore. And they never, ever let him join in their reindeer games.
Here’s where the story gets fuzzy. You probably always got a mental image around the phrase “reindeer games”. Perhaps you saw reindeer playing soccer in the snow, or chasing a stick. I always saw them kind of banging antlers like in those nature shows. That’s not it at all.
Reindeer are heavily into anal play. “Reindeer games” involve shoving all kinds of foreign forest objects up the ass. Pinecones are very popular, the newly initiated use unopened pinecones, open pinecones are for the more seasoned reindeer.
But where would reindeer have learned such human behavior? From the nearest human of course: Santa Claus.
Santa wasn’t always a jolly old man delivering toys to children throughout the world. He has a past like anyone does. And part of Santa’s past is his years spent in San Francisco as a leather daddy. These were the formative years when Santa developed his love of all things anal.
He eventually left San Francisco when his polyamorous relationship exploded in a torrent of lies, invective and feelings of unattractiveness. Santa followed “Big Mike” to Alaska where he fell in with an Inuit totem carver slash toy maker slash dildo sculptor.
Santa had found his calling and eventually made his way to the North Pole. He never lost his love for anal play however and shared it with his reindeer.
So while it was a Christmas eve night that Santa came to Rudolph it wasn’t a foggy Christmas eve. Fog had nothing to do with it. See Santa had inexpertly carved himself a new butt plug and five days before Christmas the base end broke right off in Mrs. Claus’ hand. The butt plug seemed to disappear up there.
Four days later and Santa still hadn’t pooped. Christmas was nearly canceled on account of constipation. And so Santa went to Rudolph and said, “Rudolph with your nose so bright / won’t you find my lost plug tonight?”
Rudolph was ecstatic. Big Santa, Santa Claus! of all people was asking him to join in his reindeer game. And so it happened that one Christmas Eve Santa dropped trough and bent over his sleigh bed and with Mrs. Claus watching Rudolph slipped his bright red nose up Santa’s ass.
“Ho Ho Ho,” Santa said. It was the first time he had ever said it. Santa’s ass lit up from the inside like, well, a Christmas tree. And from the glow of Rudolph’s nose Mrs. Claus could see the lost butt plug. She took a pair of kitchen tongs, reached up, and yanked that plug right out of there.
It wasn’t pretty but Santa’s bowels were no longer impacted. He had been uncorked. The other reindeer couldn’t wait to play with Rudolph now. Star fucking is such an aphrodisiac.
So while Santa unburdened himself the other reindeer lined up and lifted their tails for Rudolph. And that’s the true story of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
Editor’s note: Please see Good Vibrations’ selection of Anal Toys and Butt Plugs for safe play that
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[...] takes your most treasured childhood holiday icons and makes them sex related. Wrong. Funny, but [...]