Devil’s Dictionary III
By John Thursday • Oct 7th, 2009 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesGood Vibrations Online Magazine’s Erotic Philosopher John Thursday returns to his Devil’s Dictionary in this third installment. Read Part 1 and Part 2.
Another set of definitions for your reading pleasure.
Mercury in Retrograde, phrase. An astrological term denoting the four times a year when everything is going to hell but it’s not your fault; it’s because Mercury is going backwards. The relief one feels at this news lightens the heart and makes one happy to pay the bearer of the news.
Dispensary, n. A place white people go to buy their drugs.
Intention, n. Your purpose, stated at the beginning of any endeavor, in order to free yourself from the responsibility of the consequences.
Example in conversation:
“I let you crash on my couch and you went and slept with my boyfriend and my therapist.”
“That wasn’t my intention.”
Listening, v. The practice of pretending to look deeply concerned while someone else is talking. A misnomer in popular use as almost all people who claim to practice listening are in fact talkers in-waiting.
Present, n.
- To be with me, and not fantasizing about her.
- To be here and not there.
- A state of being invoked when one is not in the space to practice Listening. Note there is an element of shame involved in not being present.
Example in conversation:
“I’m worried about us. Where do you see this relationship going?”
“I’m just trying to be present.”
Weekend Buddhist, n. An ambitious capitalist who meditates on the weekend to better clear the mind in preparation to aggregate more wealth in the coming week. They consider the state of being Present to be really top tier, the Cartier of states of being.
Energy, n.
- Something people read in lieu of character judgment.
- A term used to tell someone you don’t like them without having to get specific.
Workshop, n. A class of dubious origin. Most often offered by people who have forgotten they don’t know anything for people who know they don’t know anything. Commonly offered workshops are:
- Whatever’s Wrong With Your Life Is Your Fault
- Cry Now, Cry Later
- Authentic Penis, Authentic Vagina
- Cum Bucket: A Path to Enlightenment
I dj, phrase. Said by nincompoops and nabobs who like to fiddle with knobs, press an earphone to the side of their head and have people watch them as they jump up and down.
Almond, n. A bourgeois peanut.
Nature, n.
- Any place one hour in any direction without indoor plumbing.
- A place whose resources one seeks to protect. But only after one has already taken the resources one needs for one’s own comfortable life. These people tend to eat almonds.
Sacred, adj. An attribute often ascribed to a mountain or a meadow where one has:
- Experienced a particularly awesome acid trip.
- Completely lost their shit but it turned out OK in the end.
Juicy, adj. Sexy, sexual, sexified, sex-o-rama, sex-sensual. Overt sexuality of a most feminine nature, denoting soft, warm and moist. This word is most often cited by women, usually as they rub their yoni’s up against someone else’s thigh. While rubbing they will say, “I feel juicy.” Or, “Your so juicy.” Or, “This party is so juicy.” The world is split between those who find it a good thing and those who want to send the people who say juicy to Fresno.
Holding Space, phrase.
- The art of doing nothing and getting credit for it while someone else is having a hard time.
- The art of pretending that you care, by paradoxically doing nothing and getting credit for it, while someone else is having a hard time.
It should be noted that it is impossible to tell the difference between these two.
Boundaries, n. What you claim you have when you just don’t want to do something.
John Thursday >> John Thursday was born and raised at Harbin Hot Springs, unaware there was such a thing as clothing until he was 15. He has since renounced all things Hippie. He earned a doctorate in Erotic Philosophy by defending Kant's lesser known The Critique of Pure Fellatio as a seminal work. he was hit on by Allen Ginsburg twice but not even once by Sami Beinstein, a non-hippie jewess. He currently beds a shiksa named Misty.
All posts by John Thursday
I love you John Thursday. I take back all the times I said I hate you.
I can’t wait to sign up for Cum Bucket: A Path To Enlightenment. How much do you charge? I hear $108 is a sacred amount.
I’m being present in nature with my sacred almonds, holding space while listening to I, DJ explore his energy at this workshop. Nothing he says is penetrating my boundaries because, you know, it?s not juicy and Mercury’s in retrograde (and my intentions are clearly in the wrong place).
Johh:
Thanks for these luscious definitions. Kant would be proud indeed. I am most happy with the Mercury Retrograde, I hope that millions read this because I get so affected by this process. I am a Gemini (2nd quadrant) with mercury in Gemini (not unusual since it follows the sun) and I was so affected this past time. September was a really bad month for me. I was so depressed due to illness and I could not afford to go to a naturopath or a homeopath nor could I get any herbals. I have to prepare better but I have so much karma that I am still shedding and I probably will have to deal with that for another couple of years at least.
Oh, yeah, the communication part is always a problem for me too. My internet and phone services usually get cut off due to my inability to pay. And so for me communication is key, it is how I make money and I need it to survive.
Thanks again.