Who’s Your Daddy?
By Dr. Charlie Glickman • Sep 16th, 2009 • Category: BlogAhh, the Daddy.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term from a sexual perspective, the Daddy evolved in the gay BDSM scene. Back in the day, you couldn’t just walk into a store, buy a bunch of leather gear, and call yourself a dominant. The entire community was underground and you had to know someone in order to get introduced to it. As part of that process, men would start off as bottoms (sometimes, also known as “boys”) and would have to earn their community credibility.
The early gay community coalesced in New York and San Francisco, in part because those cities were the staging locations for World War II and lots of men decided to stay there upon their return from the war. After all, having found all those hot, hunky guys in uniform, why would they want to go back to their hometowns? That military influence had an effect on the development of the Daddy, and the pattern of the experienced dominant training a newcomer has a parallel with the sergeants training the incoming soldiers. We also see the influence of the military in the hanky code and other physical signifiers of sexual desire or community affiliation among gay BDSM players.
Yet another factor that influenced the development of the Daddy was the fact that there were no role models for young gay men and no information other than what the community provided. Young queers have always been at risk of being cast out by their families and older men would often step in and help newcomers find their feet. There are some amazingly hot stories along these lines in John Preston’s classic book Tales From the Dark Lord and if you have any interest in the gay BDSM community or in great sex writing, check it out. It’s out of print, but well worth tracking down. Or check out Mr. Benson, another of his hot & fun books. And of course, Carol Queen’s The Leather Daddy and the Femme offers a more modern rendition of this idea.
The role of the Daddy evolved out of all of these themes and he serves an important purpose in many people’s lives. He’s there to support, teach and mentor. He’s there to help you figure things out. He’s a guide, a leader, and a role model. He’s there to challenge you to grow into the best person you can be. He maintains his equilibrium when you’re in distress so that he can help you find your balance. He stays calm when you’re freaking out and he helps you find your focus.
All of this has been on my mind during the current debates about healthcare in the US. I say “debates” but it’s not really a debate when so many people are having temper tantrums. I’m not really sure what to call it, but it looks to me like a whole lot of people need to be put in time-out. And yet, through it all, President Obama is being our country’s Daddy.
He’s maintaining his calm. He’s keeping us focused on what we need to do, in spite of ourselves. He’s not just telling us what to do- he’s modeling it for us. Is he perfect? Of course not. If you expect your Daddy to be perfect, you’re going to be disappointed. But this is the first time that I can think of that we have a president who is trying to give us what we need, rather than what we want. And when it comes down to it, that’s the best description of what a Daddy does.
Now, I don’t want to seem like I’m sexualizing our president, although if you’re looking for Obama porn, I’m sure you can google it easily enough (please don’t bother sending me links). And of course, at the 2008 Folsom St. Fair, some folks came out with this fabulous image of Daddy Obama.
Instead, I want to focus on one aspect of the Daddy. In the original sense of the term in the gay BDSM world, the Daddy’s job was to take his boy and raise him up. One of the goals was to teach him how to be a Daddy in his own right, so that he could help someone else grow up.
So I think it’s time that more of us take this to heart. I know that these are scary times and it’s always easy to listen to people who are fanning the fears. And it’s easy to respond to attacks by attacking. It’s easy to respond to fear with fear. We need to not do that because our track record as a species of making decisions under the influence of anger or fear is dismal.
One of the things that a Daddy has to offer is his ability to show us how to acknowledge the fear and the anger without giving in to it. Once we do that, we can move forward. That’s one of the hallmarks of being an adult. But if we want to grow up, if we want to be the best people we can be, we need to listen to Daddy. Even when he’s the president.
Related at Good Vibrations:
The Leather Daddy and the Femme
Dr. Charlie Glickman >> Dr. Charlie Glickman has been working at Good Vibrations since 1996, when he joined the staff at our Berkeley store. Currently, he is our Education Program Manager and (among other things) runs our in-store After Hours workshop program, our Off-Site Sex Education Program, trains our Sex Educator-Sales Associates and writes copy for our website. In 2005, Charlie received his doctorate in Adult Sexuality Education from the Union Institute and University in Cincinnati, Ohio. In addition, he offers classes on sexuality for psychotherapists and workshops on teaching for sex educators.
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Thanks for an interesting article, Charlie. I agree that the president should be a guiding figure: a teacher, supporter, mentor, leader, role-model, and an inspiration for us to aspire to our best abilities. Yes to all. And you can bet I did a double-take at Folsom Street Fair when I saw that OBEY image!