Sex Questions from the Twittersphere: How can I have an Orgasm?
By Dr. Carol Queen • Jul 22nd, 2009 • Category: Blog, Carol QueenDr. Carol Queen answers sex questions from our social networks.
Q: Hello, I am a lesbian and have been having sex with woman since i was 16. I’ve given a lot of oral sex and make other women reach orgasm but ive never been able to. ive tried masterbating…but i cant seem to reach the release. i get it build up and build up but i never actually have an orgasm. from oral sex ive reached the same conclusion. please Dr. Carol, how can i have an orgasm before i go insane.
Sincerely,
Unsatisfied in Santa Cruz (via Facebook)
Oh, this one is a red-alert question! We definitely don’t want you going insane. You say you’ve masturbated, but have you tried a vibrator? That can give you a kind of strong, sustained stimulation that is hard to achieve from a partner’s mouth or sometimes even your own hand. You might want to check out the vibrator that’s so popular it has its own Twitter feed, the Hitachi Magic Wand. It might also be a good idea to examine your understanding of arousal and orgasm… some women, for instance, take quite a long time to build up to climax, and stop stimulation before they get there. Have a look at the informational book section at the Good Vibes site to see if any of the offerings look interesting: for instance, I Love Female Orgasm might give you extra knowledge you can use. Or maybe you’re more into video and want to learn from the master, Dr. Betty Dodson, whose informational videos many women have relied on to find the big O.
Another trick to try with your partner is adding to the kind of stimulation you get when you’re orgasm-hunting. With oral, add vaginal or anal play, or nipple fondling or pinching, whatever you like — this can be done with toys or your lover’s (or your own) roaming hands. Or add erotic movies or other stimulation to the mix. If there are fantasy scenarios you’ve seen in movies or read about in erotic stories, see if your lover wants to play those kind of games with you. Add to the stimulation so as to bypass that point you always reach now, where you can’t get over the top.
Above all, stay in your body and not in your head. Many women lose momentum toward orgasm by hunting for it too consciously… they basically think their way out of a physical response by worrying about whether it will happen this time. Avoid this kind of “monkey mind” by staying erotically busy — being focused on the sensations in your body. If you think you need something harder, slower, to the left, or whatever, ask for it. It might not happen right away, but I bet it’ll happen… possibly when you are not at all expecting it. Good luck!
–CQ
Dr. Carol Queen >> Carol Queen is a writer, speaker, educator and activist with a doctorate in sexology. First as an organizer in the lesbian/gay community, where she helped found one of the first gay youth groups in the United States, and later in the emerging international bisexual community, as a sex worker and a practitioner of alternative sexualities, she typically teaches and writes from her own experience and that of her communities even as she references academic thought on these subjects. See her website: www.carolqueen.com.
All posts by Dr. Carol Queen
