Questions from the Twittersphere: time spent during sex
By Dr. Carol Queen • Jun 24th, 2009 • Category: Blog, Carol Queen, Good AdviceHere’s a question Carol received from our “Tweet with the Queen” time on Twitter:
If a guy doesn’t climax after 20 mins of foreplay and 30 mins of sex does it mean the sex is terrible?
Oh, this is an awesome question! No, it doesn’t necessarily mean the sex is terrible at all. It might be so great that he’s trying with all his will not to let it end — so many people, of all genders, are trained to think that when a guy comes, the sex is over, that many men try hard NOT to climax! And that can train a man, whether he intended to do so or not, to have a hard time coming at all. (Of course, in reality, the sex doesn’t have to be over until everyone involved has had enough fun, or until it’s time to catch the bus for work, whichever comes first.)
Other reasons he may have a hard time coming: He may have some sort of emotional issue with the sex he’s having (guilt, for instance), or he may have issues with sex in general. All kinds of things are possible here, from body image issues –even gender issues, believe it or not– to having had sexual problems that make him less in touch with his body. Many people don’t think of guys as potentially having had nonconsensual or problematic sexual experiences, but of course, some *have* had such experiences and are as likely as everybody else with that history to “check out” when things get too intense in bed. He might even have a physical issue that affects his ability to come, or be on medication that impairs orgasm — many meds have this unfortunate side effect.
If you are asking this because you’ve had sex with a guy who didn’t climax, and you find yourself having sex with him again, consider asking, “Is there anything else you’d like me to do? Do you have favorite or special kinds of stimulation you like?” Make it clear you are interested in his having a good time, and see what he communicates.
Tweet! –CQ
Related at Good Vibrations:
Sex For One
Multi-Orgasmic Man
Orgasms
Dr. Carol Queen >> Carol Queen is a writer, speaker, educator and activist with a doctorate in sexology. First as an organizer in the lesbian/gay community, where she helped found one of the first gay youth groups in the United States, and later in the emerging international bisexual community, as a sex worker and a practitioner of alternative sexualities, she typically teaches and writes from her own experience and that of her communities even as she references academic thought on these subjects. See her website: www.carolqueen.com.
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