Devil May Care
By John Thursday • May 13th, 2009 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesIn the late 1800’s a devilish man with the devilish name Ambrose Bierce began composing a dictionary of satirical definitions. These definitions were later collected and published under the title “The Devil’s Dictionary”.
He was, if nothing else, a misanthrope, as can be seen in the following examples.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste more interested in himself than me.
Impunity, n. Wealth.
Destiny, n. A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure.
Marriage, n. the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Yet like all sharp-these recently it struck me how tongued wits Bierce’s definitions are funny because they are honest depictions of the hypocrisies of our society. Here are a few more.
Pandemonium, n. Literally, the place of all the demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance.
Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Reading through these recently I thought to myself, why not try such a dictionary for today’s world? The modern world in the San Francisco Bay Area is rife with contradictions and human foibles, why not take a crack at defining some of our words.
I offer these with humility. I am no Ambrose Bierce. But then I am also trying to quell my misanthropic tendencies. Some of you may disagree with that.
“The Devil’s Dictionary – The SF Version”
Authentic, n. A state of being, believed to endow a person with the ability to attract and bed anyone they wish. Authentic persons favorite pastimes are: being authentic, telling you they’re authentic, encouraging others to be more authentic.
See Rogues Gallery of Phonies.Polyamory, n. An agreement in which a couple wish to have their cake, eat it too, and leave the bill for a third party.
Right On, phrase. 1. A pronouncement of ambivalent positivity. An essential phrase in Berkeley and San Francisco at those times in conversation when it would be rude to express judgment yet one cannot muster true enthusiasm.
2. A multifaceted phrase conveying tolerance.
In conversation:
“It was at the after party when I was doing whippets that I realized the universe wants me to be my authentic self.”
“Right on.”
Coach, n. A person who, failing to get things straight in their own life, has decided you should pay them money to help you get things straight in yours.
Hero’s Journey, n. A 6-month trip to Thailand to smoke weed, visit the people who sew your clothes, and meditate on your advantages over them only to return to the kingdom to realize you no longer have a job. The ensuing crises of faith is popularly known as a “growth experience.”
Speaking Your Truth, phrase. A phrase often invoked after one has said something selfish, narcissistic, or wholly lacking in empathy.
Visioning, v. The belief that thinking about something is equivalent to actually working on it.
BuJu, n. Short for Buddhist Jew, a subset of people of Jewish origin who wish Judaism were more fun. In youth BuJu’s are characterized by beards, long hair, toe rings, and a fashion sense best described as a Grateful Dead Hippie with an REI gift card. They believe Yahweh was a vegetarian. In maturity BuJu’s have often amassed wealth and property but swear they find it meaningless. They keep their SUV’s for drives to Spirit Rock and to flee in case the Cossacks return.
Community, n. A group of people you can gossip about so you won’t miss television. A successful community is made up of a small number of your friends and a large number of idiots and enemies. The proper ratio allows there to be enough idiots and enemies to afford you and your small group of friend’s ample material to gossip about. Laughter and joy ensue.
Pilates, n. A strength-training regimen adopted mostly by wealthy women who fear their husbands will leave them if they commit the sin of aging.
Artist, n. Someone you are sleeping with.
Thinks They’re an Artist, phrase. Someone you used to sleep with.
Genius, n. 1. Someone who agrees with you.
2. Someone who remains lucid while tripping.Hipster, n. A group of 13-year-olds who awoke one morning to discover they were now twenty-six, still believe the world and everything in it is shit and have nothing in the closet but skinny black jeans and horizontally striped shirts. Most often seen on fixed-gear bikes, smoking, and looking forlorn.
The Universe, n. 1. A force you ask to give you things you can’t afford.
2. A being of indeterminate gender you ask to give you things you can’t afford.Narcissist, n. Look to your left. Look to your right. Chances are they’re sitting right there.
Love, n. The Holy Grail of all Bay Area relationships. Most often achieved between one and one’s self.
John Thursday >> John Thursday was born and raised at Harbin Hot Springs, unaware there was such a thing as clothing until he was 15. He has since renounced all things Hippie. He earned a doctorate in Erotic Philosophy by defending Kant's lesser known The Critique of Pure Fellatio as a seminal work. he was hit on by Allen Ginsburg twice but not even once by Sami Beinstein, a non-hippie jewess. He currently beds a shiksa named Misty.
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This friggin’ cracked me up and I laughed out loud – I think I scared the mailman…
Fuck! Now I’m remembering all the times you’ve said Right On to me. Next time you say that I am going to punch you.
My favorite: “Marriage, n. the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.”
My 2nd fave: “A successful community is made up of a small number of your friends and a large number of idiots and enemies.”
You kill me. I’m laughing so hard it hurts. May you and yours be gossiped about on email lists you don’t know about.
my favorite ’speaking my truth’. why oh why do so many specific individuals come to mind? I know too many authentic hipsters.
You forgot one:
“Manifest” v. to ask the universe (and everyone around you) for something over and over again until you get it
I laughed so hard, I farted!
[...] Philosopher John Thursday returns to his Devil’s Dictionary in this third installment. Read Part 1 and Part [...]
Hmm, if you’ve been doing whippets and not whip-its, you’ve been going to some pretty unusual parties. Isn’t that illegal?