Douchebag
By John Thursday • Apr 15th, 2009 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesThere are many wonderful men in the Bay Area – and not all of them are gay.
On any given weekend in San Francisco there are at least five or six decent straight men. You can see three of them on Sundays pushing strollers with their wives in Golden Gate Park.
As for those last two, they can be more difficult to find.
Every heterosexual man in San Francisco is trying to pass himself off as one of those two decent straight guys. Every heterosexual man is donning the camouflage of self-assurance, financial stability, and compassionate listening.
The camouflage is effective. It stays on in the water and without clothing. Men manage to stay in relationships for months, years, some even get married before being found out. But the day always comes when a woman looks at her man and realizes, OMG, you’re a Douchebag.
I have chosen the word douchebag on purpose. Corporations and advertisers often have to convince us there is something wrong with us so that we’ll buy something to make it right. The douchebag is just such a product; your vagina is dirty, clean it with this.
We now know that the vagina balances its ph naturally. Women do not need to douche.
In a similar way many straight men are masquerading as exactly what women need, when they are not. These men are douchebags.
I bring this up because I recently came across an example of one. This guy is a douchebag with his own in-house marketing department. He recently took out the equivalent of a full-page ad in the emotional newspaper known as Facebook.
It was an open letter announcing his intention to hold space to manifest a relationship.
I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, a man declaring his desire for a relationship and stating clearly what he wants from it. It isn’t until you strip the letter down and remove the camouflage that you see what a douchebag he is.
What follows is a translation of Douchebag language.
The first thing to hit you in this letter is: The Douchebag wants his woman be clear in her yes’s and no’s.
Ummmmmm, what is he referring too exactly?
Translation: I am tired of all these women whose no means yes.
While appearing to look for an empowered woman it seems more like our douchebag has issues with his own boundaries. And he’s decided to blame the women for that.
Then there’s the sex. Here are the sex statements throughout the letter.
We both value a healthy sex life.
She is open, sensual, and open to exploration in bed.
We have an electric, soul-quenching sex life.
It’s about what’s a yes rather than building in no’s.
We’re not polyamorous, nor ideologically monogamous, it’s about what works.
From healthy, to open, to soul-quenching, and then back to our yes’s and no’s.
Translation: A healthy sex life is you being open to doing what I like to do, using your pussy to quench my soul, and once again saying yes to me, not no.
The real trip wire in those statements is the one at the end.
We’re not polyamorous, nor ideologically monogamous, it’s about what works.
Hmmmm, what a nebulous statement for an intentional letter; let’s not commit to loving other people, but let’s not commit to loving just one another. Rather, let’s “do what works.”
Translation: Sometimes I’m going to want to sleep with other women and you gotta be OK with that.
As he says later, he envisions that particularly deep sexual bonds would happen only in the relationship. It’s just sex with those other women, but he’ll love you.
But the most dastardly part of the letter comes in the Douchebag’s physical requirements.
He begins by stating he’s good with anything, short, tall, thin, curvy, eyes, hair; whatever. But then, of course, she’s got to be very beautiful and appear young. The Douchebag explains why.
He’s a face man you see. He digs puffy, sensual lips and smooth skin. But not to worry, he imagines his woman is born anywhere from 1970 to 1982.
Rejoice ladies you can be anywhere from 40-years-old to 26-years-old. Of course, if you are 40-years-old you must still have puffy, sensual lips and smooth skin, hallmarks of 26-year-olds.
Translation: I am looking for a young woman or an older woman who has had a facelift and collagen injections.
The best part is our Douchebag was born in 1967, he’s 42-years-old. All of this language so an older man can get with a younger woman.
I could go on, but really, what’s the point. He camouflage’s himself in the open-heart, loving, intentional language of the Bay Area, but he’s just an old fashioned cad, and a coward at that. If he had any balls his letter would read like this.
Final Translation: I am a 42-year-old man looking for a 26-year-old woman with puffy lips and smooth skin who is open to saying yes to all the things I like to do in bed and won’t mind when I want to go do them with other 26-year-olds with puffy lips and smooth skin.
Cause I’m a douchebag.
John Thursday >> John Thursday was born and raised at Harbin Hot Springs, unaware there was such a thing as clothing until he was 15. He has since renounced all things Hippie. He earned a doctorate in Erotic Philosophy by defending Kant's lesser known The Critique of Pure Fellatio as a seminal work. he was hit on by Allen Ginsburg twice but not even once by Sami Beinstein, a non-hippie jewess. He currently beds a shiksa named Misty.
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You sir/madame as I’m not quite sure you know what you are, but I sure as daylight do… you sir, are a twit.
True, lover boy there does want to sleep with other people but nothing about his statement says that his partner can not play just as well as he. In fact he is open without being crass, he is forthright without being overly asserting. In fact he is just plain honest and manages to maintain some amount of class while doing so.
It would seem nothing would be good enough for you, and I’m sure it isn’t as you are that most despicable of men. You are a sexual traitor. You lure women into your web by claiming not to be part of that sex that has hurt them in the past. You are a repressed sexual deviant who prays on women’s self worth and you disgust me