Good Vibrations Magazine

I got to the Call Center at 10 minutes to 9—my regular time. Olive was just taking an order as I sat down. I turned on my computer, logged on to the phone and to our inventory control program and I was ready to go. Along with answering the phone, my other duty is to answer any emails with questions from our customers. I always feel a slight bit of excitement. Who knows what questions I will be asked? Sometimes I feel like an advice columnist and if I can point people in the right direction, it gives me a satisfaction that I am doing my job as a sex educator. Right before I was going to open the first email titled, appropriately, “Question”, my phone started ringing.

It was a male caller. He had a soft spoken voice and sounded as if he was from the South. “I’m a little embarrassed,” he said. This is my first time calling, but I am hoping you can help me…” I assure him that if I can answer any questions he has, I will be happy to help him out. “I am going to have a threesome with my wife and her girlfriend,” he said. My Call Center “Spidey Sense” kicked in and told me he didn’t really want to order anything—he just wanted to play out a fantasy with me as a willing participant.

I immediately changed to my dry neutral voice, the one that I reserve to keep things on a professional level. “My wife’s girlfriend is a transvestite,” he continued, “so I want some tips on masturbation.” I told him we have a lot of good books that can help, and I mentioned Betty Dodson’s “Sex For One”. He seemed disappointed, “Don’t you just have some tips you can give me?” Again I suggested he go on our website to see all the educational things and yes, erotica, that may give him some “tips”. I finally said that if he wasn’t ready to order, I had other calls I had to answer.

As I went back to answering email, I heard Olive get a phone call. I was listening to her side of the conversation, and I could tell it was the same “can you give me some tips on masturbation” caller. Olive was able to cut him off quickly. 10 minutes later, I get the same caller! He opened a little differently, but then started the same spiel “Wait a minute,” I said, “didn’t I just talk to you?” He recognized my voice and then I heard “click”.

I once had another caller who sounded very innocent. He had just gotten a Penis Pump and wasn’t sure how to use it. So I gave him the basic instructions. He thanked me and hung up. A few minutes later, he called again. Apparently, he was in the middle of using it and wanted to make sure he was doing it right. So I repeated the same information and he said thank you. Then, a few more minutes later, the phone rings and it is him on the other end, giving me his progress…you get the idea.

Luckily, these types of calls are a small percentage of the calls I get. I am always ready to answer questions like “I’ve never had a vibrator before, what do you suggest?” Or “My doctor suggests I call you—I have been having trouble getting lubricated, do you have anything you can recommend? I love answering these questions. I can hear in their voice the distress they feel. When the body goes through changes it is sometimes thought of as a loss to your sexuality. So when I can give them information about the many choices we have, I feel I am doing my job as a Sex Educator and this is why I find my job so satisfying.

But there is a small minority of people who seem to have the wrong idea about what we’re here for. We are here to help answer questions on our products. And yes, I will answer any questions you have as long as you don’t ask me any personal information or I know you are not being honest in your questions. But we are not here to give you juicy details to fulfill your fantasy for free. When a person who doesn’t have a clue about what we are here for tries to take advantage of us, it takes time away from our customers who are sincere and just want answers or who actually want to place an order with us.

So yes, I am here to answer questions and yes, I am here to take your order. But no, I am not a sex therapist or a willing participant in a wanker’s fantasy. There are 900 phone numbers you can call for that! But to our many customers who need help and advice, we are here for you.