The Dong Perch
By John Thursday • Mar 18th, 2009 • Category: Erotic Philosophy by John Thursday, FeaturesMy good friend Brianna asked me to write an essay concerning the positive aspects of the Great Recession. When I say aspects, plural, Brianna really only means aspect, singular.
And what is this singular positive aspect of our Great Recession? The Dong Perch.
To quote Brianna, “Cause there’s no work it can be the middle of the afternoon and I’m up there on my dong perch.”
The Dong Perch: it sounds like what it is. Imagine Brianna perched up on her boy’s dong and you have the right image.
Dong is a favorite word of a mutual friend of ours, Augustine. At times Augustine gets stuck in the word as if dong were a labyrinth and he was some sexed up Theseus. He doesn’t want to slay the Minotaur but rather drop the “s” and lay the Minotaur.
Everything Augustine says becomes dong-this and dong-that mixed with a bit of gibberish.
“Yeaaaah Booooooyyyyyyyyiiiiiieeeee. Get on this 12-inch dong, you know what I’m talking about, got me going downtown G-unit, all 12 inches, that’s my goo dong.”
After weeks of such random language the word dong gets stuck in one’s head. It’s a rather musical word and fits perfectly into Sisqo’s Thong song: That dong d-dong dong dong.
But I digress. The phrase Dong Perch first came to my attention one morning when meeting Brianna for coffee. She had an especially jolly grin and I asked what was up.
“Oh,” she said, “I just finished perching.” I gave her a funny look. “You know,” she said. “The Dong Perch.”
Brianna, it turns out, is a morning percher. She likes to wake up, reach over, check for morning wood, and then up she goes onto her perch.
Personally, I have little energy for such shenanigans in the morning. Though I think I speak for all men when I say that in this time of economic woe if someone wants to give me a blowjob at first light I believe that is downright patriotic. I have known a number of patriots in my day. In fact, by this standard I think I once dated George Washington.
But again, I digress. Back when times were good and money fell from clouds Brianna was a full on morning percher. But in today’s shrinking economy Brianna has expanded her dong perching.
“I was home the other day and I looked at my boyfriend and I was like its 1:00. I’m not doing anything. You’re not doing anything. Want to perch?”
Let us now praise Brianna; such character in the face of hardship, such virtue in her vice.
Rather than moan and fall into a deep depression over her life descending into the abyss she is pulling herself up by the hoist she had installed in her bedroom and getting on her dong perch.
In this, our Great Recession, Brianna is manifesting. For as we learned in the boom times, anything good can be yours if you just think about it a lot.
While others lay on the couch of their psychologist / psychiatrist / life optimization coach, Brianna is digging deep and opening herself wide to the joys of the universe, and one of the universe’s many dongs.
Shortly after this recession hit the pundits spoke of our country returning to its core values. I believe Brianna has done the same. She is stopping to smell the roses, remembering what is truly important, taking the time to connect with the people she cares about.
Brianna, in mounting your dong perch you are showing us all the way.
There is good in this recession. There is more time to ourselves. There is more time for one another. There is more time for dongs. There is more time for perching. There is more time for Dong Perching. And this country, the whole world, will be a better place for it.
As Augustine might say, “That’s right, get on this dong G-unit. Got me a 12-inch perch right here, that’s what I’m talking about. Them streets is filled with 12 inch dongs waving for Obama Nation. Got ourselves a new world GOTC.”
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Somethime I think ” Mr. Thursday” is living in Friday…gotc mr Thurs. (gotc=get on this cock boieeeeeeeeeeeeee)