Good Vibrations Magazine

It happens, usually from behind. Well, always from behind, though I suppose other positions could lend themselves to it. Now, to be clear, there are a couple of things I am not talking about.

There’s a girl I know who had a friend back in the day named Barbara who they all called Baba Wrong Hole. She came by this name after the unfortunate hot tub incident of 1996. It seems Baba was in the hot tub with Clyde Carson, high school sophomore and wanna be lothario. Clyde sidled up and under the cover of chlorinated bubbles boldly sent his finger where apparently none of his fingers had been before. Baba’s eye opened wide and Clyde uttered his famous, and for Baba, fateful words.

“Oops, I think that’s the wrong hole.”

Clyde leapt from the tub and ran off to tell everyone else in the house what had happened. Baba wrong hole was born.

But I am not talking about fingers. Nor am I not talking about the almost times.

Nights when you’re too drunk to properly find your way and she’s too drunk too help and your not very hard but don’t want to admit it and you figure if you can just get yourself inside your boy will perk right up. So you start poking blindly trying to deny the fact that you’re not that hard, trying to deny that she’s not that wet and that that’s also the problem. You poke the back of her thigh and feel your penis kind of bend.

You say nothing because this is as embarrassing as it gets for a guy. She says nothing because what if it’s her, what if she’s not getting you there. And in that moment of mutually embarrassed silent denial you poke up against the other hole and feel her squirm beneath you and everything comes to a naked standstill. Oh, the shame.

I’m not talking about those times either. No, I am talking about full-on, accidental butt sex.

As I said, for me it has always happened from behind. It doesn’t stem from being flaccid but rather form those nights when you’re a marble phallus, those nights when you are a little light headed for it seems so much blood has been diverted to your penis.

With your new-found bat you’re up at the plate swinging away (ohhh, sports metaphors, how gauche). And she’s loving it, loving your fire, loving how hard she has made you, loving feeling like a porn star, even if she’ll never admit that at a dinner party.

And now she’s flipped over, on her knees, legs far apart, open wide. You guys are rockin’ it. Tonight you’re the neighbors everyone’s jealous of; you’re the ones making everyone else question where they are in their relationships. Everything is hard and slick and nearly unconscious, long, deep thrusts, hands held fast to her hips.

That’s the combination where it happens, long deep thrusts and hands on her hips. All it takes is one ill-timed thrust, an instant of poorly aligned body parts, and you have yourself, as Clyde Carson so eloquently put it, the oops moment.

To be honest I don’t think it feels all that different to the guy. That’s why we don’t notice at first. I’ve always found anal sex to be more about the taboo for the guys.

But she suddenly lets out a different cry. You feel her hips wrench from your hands. And you slowly realize that something that wasn’t supposed to happen just happened. You have been involved in accidental butt sex.

The mood is ruined. She lies there processing the transition from pleasure into pain. You contemplate washing your marble phallus so you can go back inside her pussy, because you’re little more than a beast.

The whole thing is the fault of the taint. That slightly curved bit of muscle is like some quantum directional tool, you hit one side and you go down but if you hit just an infinitesimal bit higher it sends you up. And if everything is wet enough and you’re hard enough you don’t just go up, you go in.

You are trapped in the embarrassed silence. A good friend of mine refers to the level of a trap by the Akbar scale, 1-100. Akbar comes from General Akbar, the fish like commander from Return of the Jedi who, when discovering the Death Star is working famously shouts, “It’s a trap! It’s a trap!”. 10 seconds after accidental butt sex I would say you are in a situation of at least 78 Akbars.

Chances are she knows you didn’t mean it. But pain is smarting through her body. And you would really like to finish, but you know that’s as gauche as using a sports metaphor. It’s a disaster.

All you can do is communicate. Apologize, ask her if she’s alright. Lie down beside her and stroke her. Do not, I repeat, do not press your marble phallus into her. I know, it will take all your will power to keep your penis from her soft flesh. But you must. For you have just had accidental butt sex.

Be kind, be gentle, be your best self. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll step back up to the plate.

It’ll be missionary. Don’t complain.