Good Vibrations Magazine

With the Sex and the City movie opening this week I got to thinking about gay men and the women they love. I was thinking how gay men have a different relationship to women than I do. Namely, we differ on how we view pussy.

For straight men pussy is the hidden kingdom, the Golden Palace of the Himalayas, Xanadu. We spend many of our waking hours strategizing how to get there or negotiating to stay there. When we sleep, we dream of it.

Pussy is a penis pocket sewn by god.

Unless, that is, you’re a gay man. When asked about pussy one gay friend of mine simply responded, “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

Many of the responses I received were quite funny.

There was this one:

“There’s no there there.”

And this one:

“Too much going on down there, all those folds and stuff, very distracting, no Feng Shui. The ass keeps it simple, no tricky landscape.”

Or this, one of my favorites:

“I love cock and a pussy doesn’t have one of those.”

Still another friend had a rather Freudian take on the whole thing.

“I realized recently that I was in my mother’s pussy once… And only once! That’s all I have to say.”

He was not alone in this philosophy. A beautifully verbose friend of mine had this to say:

“Frankly, I think sexually-active hets have mother issues. Why would you insert, arguably, your most prized possession into something that you tried as hell to escape at your birth?”

He moved on to free association.

“Fishy, slimy, dark, yeast factory, etc…”

Then finished with some heartfelt words.

“When I was little and dumb I used to have a fear that when I grew up and got married; what would I do with a woman? Er, more specifically, what would I do with her thing down there? The thought used to make me sweat buckets. As a faggy adult, I still sweat buckets thinking of pussy, but now it’s for my fellow hets that have to deal with them. I thank the lord for granting me limp-wristedness.”

The topic can be so rife with peril one friend simply responded, “Oh my.”

A rather clever fellow said, “I have no hard feelings towards it.”

Believe it or not I do have some thoughtful friends. They may not be particularly deep, but they’re thoughtful. Here’s a bloke who was nearly a married minister before realizing his flag would remain at half-mast on that ship.

“When I was still only dreaming of sucking cock, I had some experience with “pussy”. I’m not like other queers who have some weird fear of the female genitalia.

“I loved the women that I slept with, but they didn’t make me horny. They actually liked me despite my on again off again hard-on, probably because I happen to be a very oral fellow. Cunnilingus seemed like a good stalling tactic until I could fix my mind on a guy that I was hot for.

“I should add that at that time, I had no homo experience and thought that my homo fantasies were just an abhorration that would go away with enough hetero experience.”

Another friend related a similar tale.

“I am not grossed out by pussy, though I have never seen one in person. I have had sex with a woman twice in my life: The first was with a lesbian friend of mine… I was very drunk and kept my eyes shut, and the second time was with my roommate in college. I lost a bet and had to have sex with her. I made her keep her shirt on and I never came. I do however remember the feeling of being sucked in after knocking on the door for a few seconds, if that makes sense.”

A more sexually oriented friend of mine had more positive memories of his youthful hetero indiscretions.

“I liked having sex with girls when I was a teenager. It was fun. My last girlfriend and I would have threesomes with the boy across the street. She’d hold me from behind while I took him from behind. She loved it! Loved watching the whole thing. Good times.

“For whatever reason he didn’t like to watch me with her. I think it made him jealous. He wasn’t into her at all, but he enjoyed my performance level when she was there encouraging the action.

“I really did enjoy the sex with her. She blew me underneath the goal post and then I took her on the 50-yard line at my high school late one night.

“I do crave it sometimes. I enjoy sex with men a lot more, but I still think about the softness of a female’s kiss and the smoothness of her body. I can’t talk about it too much with straight friends because I think it weirds them out.

“They come to rely on the fact that you’re not competition for them. Gay men aren’t supposed to like sex with women. That’s the point about being gay. So when I make comments about breasts or about watching myself go in and out of a wet pussy and how horny that makes me, I get the sense that I’ve lost a little trust with them.”

This same friend had this comment about watching porn.

“I watch straight and bisexual porn on occasion just to see something different, but my first thought when the female first appears on screen is always, “where’s the dick?”. Is that weird?

“It somehow always catches me off guard to see a vagina. I certainly don’t think of it as icky, I just watch a lot of gay porn, so when I don’t see something flopping about between the legs, I always cock my head with a “huh?” and then laugh at myself for doing it again.”

In what appears to be a trend here’s another comment.

“I have recently been watching straight porn (something I was unfamiliar with until recently), and have been very intrigued by the female anatomy. In some ways they are just like dicks…some are bigger then others, some are prettier then others, some are down right ugly!!!….some are bald (do you still refer to it as a pussy if there is no hair?), (YES) some are bushed, AND they are both located between the legs.

“I must say I am totally grossed out by camel toe…male or female. YES, there is such a thing as male camel toe.”

In the end I feel the following statement sums up the general reaction.

“What I would say about “pussy” is that when you’re craving steak and potatoes, lo-fat salad just won’t do. Nothing against “pussy”, I’m just hungry for something else. I will add that watching straight porno is interesting and I enjoy seeing ladies privates being pleasured. I just wouldn’t want to be the one to do that job.

“Cock is where it’s at.”