Good Vibrations Magazine

Despite what some people seem to think, I am not the best person to be giving out any sort of relationship advice for a variety of reasons. The first being that I am loathe to give anyone advice about anything. I am no expert on anything outside of me being me, and I even screw that up from time to time. Second, most people I know don’t even take my suggestions, why the hell should I expect that they are going to listen to any advice that I may at any point decide to give?. Third, and really most importantly,  I don’t give out relationship advice because I am not now, nor have I been for quite a bit of time, in a relationship.

Ok, well maybe not QUITE a bit of time, but a couple of years.

There are reasons for this, but I am sure you will figure that out by the end of this.

I state the above “No advice” disclaimer because what I am about to say next is going to sound suspiciously like advice. I assure you that it isn’t. It is, in fact, as far from advice as anything can get without arcing back around to becoming advice. Let’s call it the apogee of non-advice.

Ok?

That being said…

If at any point in time in the course of your relationship with another you find yourself in the position of wanting to either tell or be told that which is commonly referred to as “The Good Lie”, find a large, heavy and preferably stationary object to repeatedly bang your head against until such time as you return to your senses. It will hurt far less than “The Good Lie” generally does in the end.

For those of you not privy to the insidious entity that is “The Good Lie” of which I speak, I will explain.

“The Good Lie”, alternately referred to as “The Little White Lie” the “The Harmless Lie”, and the ever popular “I Didn’t Want to Hurt You Lie”, is a dubious creation of the human psyche that allows a person to rationalize the fact that they have no desire to deal with the potentially adverse consequences of honesty.

Firstly, I don’t think that honesty really HAS adverse consequences. It is generally the varied responses to honesty, which can be anger, resentment, fear, hatred, that make people think that give Honesty a bad rap. And a lot of times a “The Good Lie” is far more attractive than these reactions tend to be. However, considering that these reactions tend to be a result of some form of immaturity, lack of understanding or lack of desire to be mature and understanding, the absence of honesty removes the opportunity for growth. Sometimes growth, like truth, comes painfully, but so can a polio vaccine. Both, however, benefit the individual in the long run.

A “The Good Lie” rarely does.

Secondly, the problem with “The Good Lie” is that its effectiveness completely and totally relies on the other party’s willingness to not want to know the truth of a matter.
Truth, however, is by nature undeniable. And humans are by nature terribly curious. Both conditions are far from conducive to the shelf life of a “The Good Lie”, and eventually the desire to know, in most cases, wins out. So, upon revelation that “The Good Lie” is, indeed, a lie, the people involved not only have to deal with the emotional implosion/explosion that follows in the wake of the offending act or behavior that was lied about, but also the insult added to injury that “The Good Lie” often proves to be.

In short: “The Good Lie” never is.

I know that there are many out there who will argue that the occasional “The Good Lie” is ok, as long as it’s not about something that is REALLY important, that REALLY matters. And while that may be in some ways true, here is the litmus test on how to know when it really matters: in terms of a relationship, when there is another involved, IT ALWAYS REALLY FUCKING MATTERS. To dissenters believing otherwise, I offer the following: People are, at times, barely equipped to decide what matters to themselves, and believing oneself equipped to decide what matters to someone else is not only arrogant, but dismissive of the other person involved. Taking the approach that “IT ALWAYS REALLY FUCKING MATTERS” relieves one from the burden of trying to think for someone else.

More to the point, the entire premise of a relationship is being with someone whom you enjoy sharing things with. If you cannot honestly share your thoughts, your opinions and your feelings – the very things that make you who you are with that person, or have them shared with you, why be in the relationship in the first place? If the reasons for that relationship are Fear of Being Alone, Shared Financial Responsibilities, Great Sex,or anything OTHER than enjoyment sharing with that person, then you are better off getting a dog, a good financial planner and visiting GV and looking for something battery-operated to warm those chilly nights. Its a lot less messy that “The Good Lie” tends to be.

If none of you have figured out why I am single, my staunch refusal to engage in the practice of telling a “The Good Lie” is a good portion of the reason why. I have seen what havock a “The Good Lie” can wreak – I have lived it on more than one occasion, and nothing good has ever come of it. There is a better life out there than a lie of any stripe can generate, and the Idealist in me truly believes that people can have that better life. That people that I care for and love deserve more than a “The Good Lie”…they deserve a Good Life, and that I deserve the same.

I have, to date, completely failed to convince any of my previous or potential romantic partners of this, despite attempts otherwise.  Hence the unwaivering stance against giving relationship advice. The lack of overwhleming success in that department does not a ringing endorsement make.

But, on the other hand, it wasn’t honesty or my desire for A Good Life obliterated them…it was their desire for “The Good Lie” that did.

While all of this may sound suspiciously like I know what I am talking about, I don’t.  If  I did, it would be too much like dispensing wisdom, which is dangerously close to giving advice. And, as I stated previously I don’t do that.  All I do is call things like I see them.

Its not my fault if how I see things happens to be, purely by coincidence, exactly the way they are.

No Lie.