Talking To Your Kids About Sexuality
By Red Delicious • Sep 15th, 2007 • Category: Sex Positivity, sex tipsTalking to your kids about sex can be tricky, no doubt. I can’t offer you any advice based on parenting experience, but I can offer you advice based on my experience as a very sexually aware and sexually active teenager, which I still believe holds some clout. So here goes…
If your kids are ready to talk about sex they’ll let you know. My brother developed a fascination with the idea of masturbation, and the word itself, around the age of 9 or 10. He would make funny jokes about it and we might giggle to the side and tell him in “grown-up” voices that it was inappropriate. But a couple years later, around age 11 I think, he addressed us one evening after dinner as a whole family. He said he knew what masturbation was but didn’t understand how a boy did it. My mom and I delicately explained it was about touching and privacy and feeling good, my stepdad poked a little fun by sarcastically asking if my brother needed a demonstration, we all laughed a bit, my brother blushed, and then he went on to play video games like usual with the knowledge he had decided he was ready for. A short while later he nervously asked us if girls masturbated and how. We assured him they, too, could enjoy the same things boys could, but judged from his own apprehension that an explanation of how could probably wait until he was a little older.
Picking up on your child’s cues is key when talking to them about sex. I had a customer come in the other day with her teenager. I don’t know anything about their conversations previous to walking in to the store but it was apparent that once inside the kid was extremely uncomfortable. While mum shopped for herself, her child walked around nervously, avoiding any contact with sexuality, which in our store is impossible. The mother was so involved in her own shopping needs that she didn’t realize that their trip to Good Vibrations had become an uncomfortable and unwelcome one. The lesson here is to pay attention, and to do that I suggest keeping personal shopping to a minimum. Your first visit or two to Good Vibrations with your child should be only about them so they can ask questions, feel safe, and let you know if they happen to feel uncomfortable. You can pick your lube and erotica up on another trip, we promise it’ll still be here. And if your kid decides they’d like to leave, don’t pressure them to stay for any reason, we want everyone’s experience in Good Vibes to be a great one.
Pressuring your kids into talking about sex can be as harmful as not talking to them at all. By drilling your child on what information they already have or demanding to know about their sexual activity or suffocating them with books and toys and condoms and lube, you could be steering them far from a healthy and positive attitude about sex. Be gentle. Remember the message most often being sent out to kids about sexuality is that they really shouldn’t have one. So it makes sense that at that age we’re a little gunshy when folks who actually care and are supportive come along. Ask your kid if they’re getting enough information at school. This leaves it open ended and they can approach you if they need to. Asking your child if they’re sexually active is okay in my book as long as you’re coming from the right place when asking. Don’t ask if you’re not ready to hear that your child is sexually active. Don’t ask if you can’t be non-judgemental about their activities. It’s okay, too, to just remind your child that you are there for them when the time comes to talk about it.
If you’re in the store and you know your child is sexually active in some way and you want to buy something here are a couple suggestions. Picking up condoms and lube for your child if you know they’re active is fine. Just don’t blow them up into balloon animals when you get home, leaving them on a desk or in their bathroom is fine. If you want your child to make adult decisions, start by treating them like one. If you know your kid masturbates, lube or a simple vibrator (read: no rabbits or hitachis) is fine, too. For this purpose a mild comment like, “These come in handy sometimes, but it’s okay if you don’t want them,” will do. Let them know you are in no way pressuring them but just offering a little guidance. If you want to bring home a book that’s okay too, just steer clear of a whole library or an encyclopedia.
Lastly, accept the possiblity that you might not be the person your child chooses to seek guidance from about sex. As young people there are many folks in our lives that prove to be great mentors. There are teachers, coaches, babysitters, older siblings, family friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. If your child has chosen someone else to be their mentor on the subject and you feel it’s a safe relationship, by all means support it. In doing so you are still helping your child to develop healthy sexual attitudes. Let them know you are glad they have someone to talk to, and that you, too, are also there if their mentor can’t be. That said, never hesitate for a second to intervene if you think the relationship is not safe. Your child’s safety is the most important thing afterall.
By playing an active, supportive, and understanding role in developing a healthy realtionship with sex and positive attitudes about sexuality, you are helping them the best you can to make safer decisions about sex, emotionally and physically, in the future. This will help your children protect themselves agaist STI’s, unplanned pregnancy, sexual abuse, and shame and will ensure that they get the most enjoyment out of their sexual experiences.
Hope that helped!
*Red*
Red Delicious >> a blogger here at Good Vibrations!
All posts by Red Delicious
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accept the possiblity that you might not be the person your child chooses to seek guidance from about sex.
yes. i was starting to be dubious when you got to the “your kid will let you know when they’re ready to talk about sex” part, until i got to the not-necessarily-parents part. my mother is very quiet about sex, and i never got The Sex Talk, but i was part of a pretty awesome queer culture where i could learn a lot by osmosis – and what i didn’t, i could research on my own. i’m full of sexual health, and think that my path through it was a successful way, even if it wasn’t a traditional one.
Thanks for this advice, Red! This is particularly good advice for parents and how to interface effectively between their child and the items that sometimes help smooth out sexual experiences.
Some years ago a teenager at my church was interested in getting a vibrator. She tactfully asked her mom if someone else could take her to the local store to buy one. Her mother tactfully asked me if I could facilitate that trip. I think it was a good experience for everyone involved.
And, as it happens, I just posted a top ten list on my blog today about how to talk with your teenager about sex. Here’s the URL:
http://adolescentsexualitytoday.blogspot.com/2007/09/how-to-gut-it-outa-top-ten-list-for.html