Good Vibrations Magazine

Ah, the wonderful world of television. So many things it has brought into our lives like professional sports, science fiction based intergalactic travel, Janet Jackson’s boob, and let us not forget PORN! There are many things I see on the old boob tube that leave me in states of awe and wonderment. Many of which I might fantasize about doing but wouldn’t realistically try in my right mind. For example: handgun western shootouts, running with the bulls in Spain, and being a contestant on a reality show, to name a few. I think as sentient beings, most of us have the mental capacity to make judgment calls about our own potential when it comes to performing certain physical feats as well as being able to distinguish fantasy from reality.The strange thing is when it comes to porn — the distinguishing capacities we apply to the rest of TV media are somehow altered. How many times have I heard of someone that tried some particular maneuver they “saw” in a porn, only to have the once erotic situation go terribly wrong. We must remember that these are trained professionals people. The average human being does not have the ability to take a nine-inch hard-on up the rectum at lighting speed. I’d like to blame these lapses of reason on our oh-so crap-tacular sex education. We, as a nation, are so sexually ignorant it’s dangerous. Hell, I didn’t know where my clitoris was until I reached college (thank goodness for women’s colleges). We’re so starved for sex information; we’ll take anything at its face value.

Good people, it’s time to start being a tad bit more scrupulous in the boudoir, which I guarantee will equal more fun. Before trying those new acrobatic moves or putting that sex toy somewhere new, let’s do a little research. It’ll be fun I promise.

To make it all easier for you, I’ll even give you the number, 1-800-BUY-VIBE, where you can talk to real live sex educators or visit the Info Desk at www.goodvibes.com, and last but certainly not least if you’re a local visit the Good Vibration store locations and talk to a sex educator/sales associate, plus you get to see all the products in person.

So now that we’ve made this our new resolution let’s just go over a few things you may come across in porn that I’d like to call “Ten Things Not to Try at Home:”

(#1) Lighting Round Ass Sex — I mentioned this before and will say it again, the average rectum is not accustomed to accepting objects (fingers, penises, or dildos) at break-neck speeds, unlike the miraculous booty of Belladonna. It takes style, finesse, and loads of lube! When those seemingly dry, super-sized pornstar pricks plow their way up luscious buttholes, you know that these people are pros and a fair amount of practice and probably silicone lube went into this scene. For the rest of us, there are videos like Bend Over Boyfriend, Joseph Kramer’s Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure or The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Tarimino that teach the proper techniques that will save your ass and sex life.

(#2) Cream Pie Milkshake — It may bring all the boys to the bar, but the gastro intestinal problems that follow are hellacious. For those of you unfamiliar with cream pie porn it is when the male ejaculates internally and the recipient lets it drip out. A cream pie milkshake is an even more complex form of the cream pie in which other ingredients such as milk and whip cream are added to the ejaculate before it is expelled from the body. Then one lucky star sucks this tasty treat down the good old pie hole. This is also known as “fleching.”

Wow, that’s a lot of stuff going on, a lot of stuff I don’t recommend trying at home. First off, I think it’s apparent that (#3) internal unprotected ejaculation is risky business and unfortunately the star-studded world of mainstream porn has been a very poor example of safer sex behavior. Instead, consider external ejaculation for the visual effect. Try coming on the unbroken skin of the ass, tits, belly, or if you’re looking to add that extra glow to your skin, try a facial. I hear semen has great rejuvenating properties on the skin. If internal is what you crave, then there’s always our trusty old friend, the condom, now redesigned for the wearer’s pleasure.

The second point is that (#4) food, particularly anything sweet, in the cooch can wreak havoc on the pH. Yeast infection from hell is what I’m thinking, however, if you are so inclined to feast off your lover’s lips, may I suggest plain yogurt with acidophiles cultures, which many people use to treat yeast infections. It’s got that love-juice look and apparently folks douche with it too. There are also a number of edible items you can apply to the external like Shunga Chocolate Body Paint or The Body Talk Tattoo Set.

Wait a minute you ask, “what about the booty? Can’t I put food in my ass?” Well, let’s address this in topic five…

(#5) ATM — Here, it’s not so much the withdrawals I’m worried about, but rather the deposits. ATM is an acronym for “ass to mouth” which is a specific genre of porn as well as a frequented act within mainstream porn. Again, we mustn’t forget these people, their rectums, and colons are trained professionals. They buy their enema kits in bulk and the spotlessness of their lower GI tracts would give my mother’s kitchen counter and tabletops a run for the money. Despite the fact that these pristine poop chutes are far cleaner than the average Joe’s, they still play host to some critters that live happily in the rectum and colon and not so happy in our mouths and upper GIs. If reintroduced into the upper GI, these amoebas will give you the shits for weeks, not to mention the medley of other nasty side effects (hep. A and e. coli). That’s why momma always said, “front to back, not back to front.”

(#6) Touching on the same area, the insertion of irregular shaped and textured items in the bum can also be potentially hazardous. By irregular, I mean dangerous, and by dangerous I mean something that can cut or rupture the rectal walls or travel up into your colon on a path for destruction. Smooth toys with flanges or large bases that prevent them from playing anal hide and seek are great. For great but lovin’ fun, check out anal toys. However, sharp metal and batteries are horrible things to have in your colon and require immediate medical attention. Also avoid anything that is rough in texture, because the anal wall is thin and somewhat delicate. Last, but certainly not least, I am going to say it one last time — LUBE. The more the merrier and there is no such thing as too much. Give Good Lubrications Gel a try and you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

(#7) Moving on to a different theme I’d like to call “good toys in bad hands.” Have you ever caught yourself staring at a beautifully equipped dungeon scene where the starlets are dressed to the nines in breathtaking latex gear and all a sudden WHAM! — the dom is slamming the very heavy flogger against the sub’s spine, neck or kidneys. It’s a shame that so much goes into the outfits and gear in BDSM porn, and so little into the skill required to use such wonderful implements. BDSM is about fun and playing with the senses, not about permanently injuring your partner. For good reason the spine, neck, kidneys and other vital organs should remain off-limits to heavy impact. Much like painting, BDSM is a fine art where many believe that they can do it, but few actually possess the skill to make it successful. However, a little research and practice can go a long way.

There has been some pretty intense discussion up until now, so let’s take a little breather and just absorb all this information. I’d like to use the last three points to touch upon some lighter issues, mainly sex etiquette.

(#8) “Look Ma, no hands.” During a fierce blowjob, sometimes it’s common to see the recipient’s hands on the giver’s head, pumping furiously. Although this may make for a smokin’ hot visual, the pornstar’s throat is a finely tuned and conditioned machine. Many could swallow a kielbasa whole without the bat of an eyelash. In the real world, this may not be the case and oral sex is not the most opportune time to test the capacity of your partner’s gag reflex. It can get very unsexy, very fast. The hands-on-the-shoulders is a great substitute. If your partner wants them on their head, most likely they’ll put them there on their own accord. Be kind to your uvula — stomach acid is not nice on the genitals.

(#9)“An eye full of facial.” I’m a firm believer that the all-important money shot would not be where it is today without its highly popularized canvas, the face. Nothing says hot like creamy white frosting dripping from the very swollen lips of a professional. Although this activity can be pleasing to the eyes, it is not however pleasing in the eye. Imagine if you will, dunking your head into the Great Salt Lake, then boldly opening your eyes and taking a look around. Add on a thick viscous consistency that’s nearly impossible to flush out and ta da, you’ve recreated the sensation of ejaculate in the eye. I’m not saying totally avoid a pop shot to the face, just be careful. If someone is sharing the joy of orgasm with you, it’s just common decency to have a little consideration, aim, and maybe encourage them to close their eyes. Remember, the visual experience can always be captured on camera.

(#10) Last, but certainly not least: “Have fun, goddammit.” Mostly a pet peeve, but what will kill any sexy moment? — The deadpan pornstar face. You’re having sex; it should be fun. You’re getting paid, then why the long face? There are far too many porns out there where the stars look like they’ve just been told that their mother has died, they’re constipated, or they rather be doing data entry. Enjoy yourself; sex should be fun, and if it’s not, speak up! Maybe it’s my idealism, but being a pornstar should be a desirable career. Yes, there are many hazards of the trade that the average Joe won’t have the joy of experiencing, such as rug burn and insufficient lube to name a few, but it’s definitely not the lower rung of the job ladder.

Remember to be safe, have fun, and respect your partners.