Good Vibrations Magazine

by Judi B.

I like to tell people that I was “gay raised” by a bear. And, by that, I mean that when I was a young, naïve, budding queer of 20, I had the luck of working with an older gay man who shared his queer wisdom with me.

By the way, before I go on, let me share wikipedia’s definition of “bear”:

The bear community is a masculinist subculture in the gay community. Bears are usually mature gay or bisexual men with hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set, but that is not a requirement.

(And while you’re on the wikipedia page, make sure to check out the Terminology section, where you’ll read about Otters, Wolves, Pandas, Cubs and more!)

“Slurpster” was a bear (he still is!). He had an interesting past — once upon a time he’d been a third grade teacher and once upon a time he’d been a priest. He loved Morrissey and men with big bellies and beards. He himself, actually, also had a belly and beard. I loved to see Slurpster petting his own belly, subconsciously worshipping it. I was fascinated by his appreciation of all things big and hairy… I mean, how does one escape the social pressure of being thin? I was in awe.

There are a few things about Slurpster that stick in my mind to this day. I clearly remember him telling me how he tried to explain to his mother once why anal penetration could be pleasurable.

“You know how having a big bowel movement can feel good?” he asked her, “Well, it’s sorta like that.”

Still, to this day, I hear this in my head when reading or talking to people about anal sex.

Another time, my mother came into the store to meet me for lunch.

“Ask Slurpster what he just got pierced,” I asked her. (My poor mother, I was always testing her limits.) He had just gotten his penis pierced… a Prince Albert.

He offered to show her his new piercing in the back room. Off my mom went, to reappear a minute later, blushing, telling me “Don’t you tell your father I saw that!”

And, it just so happens that I showed my mom my nipple piercings in the same back room. Like I said, my poor mother.

Slurpster had a lot of bear friends that would come visit him at the bookstore. It was pretty much guaranteed that if a hefty, bearded man walked through the doors, he was a friend, a play buddy, or an object of crushdom for Slurpster. It was a glorious couple of summers — filled with many nights of working with Slurpster, and listening to The Cranberries and The Sugarcubes as we sold massive copies of Barrel Fever.

Fast forward 17 years, and I find myself in a barber chair in the heart of the Castro, surrounded by men active in the leather community. (And may I just say, the barber did a fantastic job on my hair!) A poster of Mr. Leather 2007 hangs on the wall. I decide to use the situation to my advantage and ask them all a question.

“So, how does the leather and bear community overlap… I mean, is there a big difference?”

The barbers chuckle a little. I feel like they’ve been asked this before.

“Bears are leather men that get fat,” he says. “For instance,” he says while touching his small, round belly, “I think I’m going to be a bear soon.”

I had more “bear” questions that I couldn’t really ask the barbers, so I emailed my old friend Slurpster and asked him… and he graciously answered:

JB: How are bears perceived in the gay community at large? As a subset?

S: Before the bear community was in the “mainstream” I had always had a thing for guys who were older, bearded, hairy, bald, and big-bellied. It just so happened to be the kind of man I was attracted to from a very early age (8). I liked that masculine, beefy look. But it seemed that the gay community leaned toward a “perfection” that did not include my set of men. Young, sculpted and hairless did NOTHING for me. When I’d head out with my group of friends, dancing or for coffee, I would point out the kind of guy I liked and these guys would all respond with “gross” or “he’s so fat” or “he’s old” or “he’s repulsive.” Yes, they would actually say that to my face without any reservations. For a brief while I simply stopped pointing my preferred men. Then bear magazines started to surface and I realized I wasn’t alone in my tastes and I got bolder. I told my friends to stop judging my tastes in men. They finally kept quiet. And my experiences expanded exponentially.

I think bears are very much a subset of the larger gay community. In larger cities, like SF or NYC or LA, you can see a more prevalent bear presence in public. Bear bars, events, etc. Even smaller cities, like where I live in Upstate NY, have their share of bear events. But it’s a random occurrence and not the norm. The dominant gay culture is what you see in the movies, TV (Will & Grace), publications like Advocate, OUT, etc, they paint the picture of a young, pretty community. The dominant gay culture, like the rest of America, ignores the folks on the sidelines: older, bigger, flamboyant are relegated to the fringe.

JB: Is being a bear more about a “look” or an “attitude”… or both?

S: For some guys, being a bear is all about the physical attributes: hirsute, big, manly. And I guess there’s always a slice of humanity that wants definitions to be simply, cut and dry. But I’ve seen some non-hairy guys that I would still consider a bear.

JB: Bears are stereotypically “masculine”… does this make it easier or harder when it comes to functioning within both the gay and straight community?

S: Most people do not perceive me as gay, but that’s because we still have that limp wristed, lisping, effeminate man as the stereotype for gay man. It’s pathetic. There are gay men who still fall for that crap. My straight friends continue to say they don’t believe I’m really gay. But the minute I throw out a couple of sibilant S’s, well, they take a few steps back! They can handle me being gay as long as I don’t “act it” but the minute I have a nelly spell (for pushing their buttons) they get visibly nervous.

I remember reading an interview by a guy who’s dad was a Marine DI and he was about as effeminate as pink doo-doo! His father disapproved of his swishy son, whose reply was, “as if sissy isn’t sexy!” And that’s my reply. Sexy is not about the clothes, the mannerisms, or affectations. Sexy is a state of mind. I’ve known some sexy sissies in my day.

JB: Because bears aren’t confined by the pressure to have the “sculpted” look, do you think it’s more empowering when it comes to your sexuality and expression of your sexuality?

S: Absolutely! When you accept yourself for who you truly are, and NOT what others say you should be, well, then, you’re a better person. But that’s true of anyone who can be themselves, not just bears. And believe me; bears can be as narcissistic as the next homo. But I tend to find most bears to be a lot easier to snuggle up to in a bar.

JB: Do people have assumptions about bears? That the community is hyper-sexual and porn-focused, for example? (I ask that just because there is porn produced by and for bears).

S: I make assumptions about bears all the time, until I run into a nerd bear. The kind that is hairy from top to bottom (no pun) but can’t carry on a conversation without interjecting a “woof!” or “grrrrr” is a complete turn off for me. I just want guys to be themselves. No games or scripts necessary. But bears can fall into the same problems that any group can fall into, over-identifying with the group and losing themselves in the process. I like a guy who can think for himself. Thinking men are sexy men. I don’t mean intellectually brilliant, but guys who know how to use their heads (again, no pun).

IBR (International Bear Rendezvous) is an annual gathering of husky hairy men and their admirers, hosted by the Bears of San Francisco. The primary purpose of the IBR is to raise funds for community charities. They have raised over $320,000 for charities both local and nationally. The event runs Feb. 15 – 19.

GV’s own “Otters and Wolves and Bears, Oh My!” event takes place on Feb. 15th at our Polk Street San Francisco store. The event is hosted by our own Carol Queen (The Leatherdaddy and the Femme) and features such literary greats as Pat Califia (Public Sex, Boy in the Middle), Simon Sheppard (featured in Truckers), Greg Wharton (editor, Out of Control) and Ian Philips (from the forthcoming See Dick Deconstruct). GV will provide wine and light refreshments during the reception.

Come get your bear on with GV! Woof!

Judi B. says “woof” to her dogs all the time, and had no idea she was talking in bear language!