trial and error.
By jameson • Feb 5th, 2007 • Category: BlogToday is my day off, and I’m trying to focus on something, anything, but my nose is runny and my eyes are itchy and I think I’m getting a fever. It’s gorgeous outside and I am sitting here, on my bed, tissues and remote controls scattered on the blanket that I am underneath.
And to top off my day-off-getting-sick: my dog won’t even snuggle with me.
But I still have words for you, you lucky readers out in internetLand. Oh yes, I still have words.
See, the other day I realized that my lady is both the nerdiest and the dirtiest girl I’ve been with. She keeps up with me, and keeps me entertained. She does calculus and the laundry, and likes to get head as much as I like to give it. She’s perfect for me, basically, and I’m having a great time with my life right now.
I’m telling you this for two reasons.
1. I like to brag about my girlfriend, and
2. Life was not always like this. Sex was not always like this. I was not always like this.
I made some really bad decisions and had some really bad sex. The funny part was that the bad sex didn’t come from the bad decisions. No, the crazy girls were always the best in bed, and the worst for me in every way but learning about my sexuality. Through them I discovered that I liked things that I never would have tried with someone else, someone who wouldn’t push me past what I thought was safe and comfortable.
And in the same way that the slightly scary ladies made me find my boundaries (sometimes in looking forward, sometimes in retreat), the safe girls made me find my worth. They made being gay okay, made me feel loved and warm and like someone who deserved to be taken care of and protected. They held me, but didn’t fuck me. Sex was good but sex was safe.
The bad sex came from not knowing what the hell I wanted or who the hell I was. That was a bad time, being just as lost with someone random as I was scared but turned on by someone dangerous. I was asleep in my life for a while, daydreamwalking and lonely.
And life kept moving on, and through much effort and time, I am here, now, with a girlfriend that pushes me and protects me, fucks me and makes me breakfast in the morning.
Getting to a good place with sex takes time, for everyone. We’re all taught different things about what is acceptable and what is not, who’s okay to fuck and who’s okay to fall in love with. We’re taught little about our bodies and even less about our desires. Bad decisions teach you as much about yourself as the good decisions do. The places worth going to usually don’t have great maps in this game, so getting lost is part of the process.
I feel like customers sometimes think that GV employees have these perfect little sex lives that involve lots of toys and parties and partners. To be honest, some of us do. But not everyone. We, like you, are all at different places of our lives and our learning. I happen to be in a very healthy, loving, hot relationship, but I have not always been here. I understand what it’s like to have a partner that you feel uncomfortable talking to. I understand not wanting your lover to see you naked.
I also understand that the more comfortable you become with yourself and your desires, the more likely you are to have a relationship that is emotionally and sexually fulfilling.
And those are my words for today. Now I sneeze some more and watch CSI: Miami.
take care of yourself,
jameson.
jameson >> a very wholesome looking pervert who is a sex cheerleader by day, super sex cheerleader by night. she majored in women's studies but hates assumed gender differences, loves porn, and was never taught how to think her words are worthless, so obviously she likes to write (and talk and talk and talk, fast).
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Word count for this post: 651
Well said, Jameson.