lotions. potions. wax.
By jameson • Sep 16th, 2006 • Category: BlogMy legs smell like a frat boy today. I used my girlfriend’s Abercrombie and Fitch men’s body lotion, and all of a sudden I feel like shouting obnoxious things like “Suck His Dick!” and “DrinkDrinkDrink!” while doing kegstands and double fisting plastic red cups filled with beer flavored water.
My girlfreind’s dog (ahem….my dog) Petie likes product. Chapstick, lipstick, hair stuff, lotion. He likes to eat product. He likes to lick lotion. Somewhat recently I took him on a walk and a very attractive blond woman wearing a very short pair of shorts on her very shiny soft legs walked over to us and asked for directions. I told her how to get where she was going, but I doubt she got there in the way I said because all I could think while I was talking was “Petie, I bet her legs would taste really good.” I willed him to lick her, but he didn’t. He just stood there waiting for me to take him to another tree.
(and how do I transition to a sex tip from a story about wanting my dog to lick a random woman’s legs? I use parenthesis to confess my transitional dilemma….and then move on…)
One of the easiest things to sell in the store is the Massage Candle. It’s like handing out those little cups of water at a marathon. Random is the person who says “No thanks, I”ll pass.”
Massage Candles are made out of soy, so they don’t burn as hot as regular candles. You can drip the wax onto skin and it turns into massage oil. How hot is that? And you control the temperature by how high up you hold the candle; the further from the body, the more time the wax has to cool before it makes contact with the skin.
Talk about a crossover product. Massage is safe and non-threatening. Wax play is edgy, sexy, and “dangerous”. Combine the two, and you’ve got the perfect gift for weddings, birthdays, anniversaries….wednesday afternoons. They’re the perfect way to try something new without going too far off the road you know and recognize. And, if all fails and you and your lover are both like “eh. whatever.” then you have a fancy candle that smells really really good. You can’t go wrong, folks. (They actually smell so good that I have an unused Rosemary Mint one just hanging out in my kitchen, waiting on the window sill. I smell it before I make my coffee, when I get a drink of water, when I start cooking dinner. I love that thing. My girlfriend thinks I’m crazy. But it’s really that good.)
Update: Remember that awful advice that came from an awful book that I couldn’t remember the name of? (my blog entitled, “the dyke, on getting a husband”) Well, I found it on Amazon. Here. Enjoy.
.jameson.
jameson >> a very wholesome looking pervert who is a sex cheerleader by day, super sex cheerleader by night. she majored in women's studies but hates assumed gender differences, loves porn, and was never taught how to think her words are worthless, so obviously she likes to write (and talk and talk and talk, fast).
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