the dyke, on getting a husband.
By jameson • Aug 11th, 2006 • Category: BlogAt a bridal shower in Connecticut, my job comes up as a topic, and conversation quickly moves to the How-to-get-a Guy-to-Marry-You book that one of the other brides’ maids is reading.
“She says to not let the guy you’re dating know what you really like in bed until you’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks, so you don’t scare him off.”
I gag on my alcohol (a fancy wine that has gently pushed me into happy tipsy land). “Are you serious?!”
“Yeah. She says especially not to do anything dirty or naughty, like use a vibrator or blindfold or anything.” The other well dressed, twenty-something, young professional type women quickly agree (once they drop their side conversations upon hearing ours).
“But….um…wow. Really?” I know that somewhere I have a reason to disagree with this tragically awful advice, but at that moment I couldn’t be anything but stunned. (Not to say, however, that I didn’t continue to talk about sex and toys and knowing what you want. It takes a lot to shut me up when it comes to sex.) Later that night, as the bacholorette party was waiting to begin, the reader of the dating book handed me her copy. “See for yourself, Jameson.” So I flipped through, and let my blood boil.
In the sex sections of the book, the author explained that your main purpose in dating is to get married (obviously). And (just as obviously, to her) how are you ever gonna find a man to marry you if you’re a big ol’ pervert? Or, even worse, if you insult your boyfriend’s manliness by being a sexy confident woman who knows just what gets her off? “Let him decide when and where to have sex, and let him pick the positions you do it in.” Oh. My. God.
No.
Just No. This is not okay.
What I should have said at the fancy wine and Connecticut springtime bridal shower was this:
Sex is a part of life, and a damn important part of a relationship. Do you really want to chance that with pretending?
If she told you to be “a little less intelligent, just for a few weeks” to get a husband, you’d all be up in arms. If she told you to pretend you didn’t know about money, or politics, or your job, it would be completely unacceptable. But sex? You’re supposed to hide and pretend when it comes to sex?
If she had said “Men don’t marry girls who threaten their intelligence” instead of “Men don’t marry girls who threaten their masculinity” most women would stop reading and be just as pissed as I am now. And yet we’ve taught my generation of strong, independant women to be so in all areas but sex. Yes, we have Cosmo and Violet Blue telling us about how to give great head, pick a porno, and be the sex kitten you’ve always dreamed of. But then you have to get serious, and get a husband. And you’re told to pretend.
Just say NO to being less than you are. Be strong and smart and sexy. Do you love the orgasms you get from your vibe? When New Boyfriend asks “what do you want most right now?” (in that “I’d do anything for you if you let me touch you” moment), don’t lie. Don’t giggle and say “I don’t know. What do you want?” No. Stand up for yourself and your clit, and say “You want to know what would really get me off? Your fingers inside me, your mouth on mine, and my vibe on my clit. I’ll be coming for days. ”
“But what if I scare him away?” you ask. Then he’s gone, and you know that man so frightened by confident female sexuality is not “the one”. And your life (and future marriage) are better for it.
Always ready to rant about sex,
.jameson.
jameson >> a very wholesome looking pervert who is a sex cheerleader by day, super sex cheerleader by night. she majored in women's studies but hates assumed gender differences, loves porn, and was never taught how to think her words are worthless, so obviously she likes to write (and talk and talk and talk, fast).
All posts by jameson
What book is that!?–time for a book burning.
OK, I will slightly disagree. A few years ago my wife opened up to me about her fantasies and I was shocked because they are serious serious hardcore BDSM. Im not sure I could have handeled that when we were dating. On the other hand, she waited WAY to long after we were married!
Being assertainve and active in bed is a HUGE turn on.
my old boyfriend gave me this reason not to appear in a porn video: one day, I’d date a conservative guy who wouldn’t approve. too bad, I thought, then that future guy-who-couldn’t-handle-it wouldn’t be the right one for me!