Good Vibrations Magazine

by Judi B.

Here I am…dimmed lights, glass of wine, girlfriend, blanket and pillows, snoring dog on the couch, rain outside, as I slip a movie in the DVD player. A movie I wanted to see at the theater but missed. How excited am I? To top it off, this movie is a horror movie…my favorite! Oh, and did I mention the main actress (Cecile De France) is smoking hot? Um, yep. Androgynous and utterly yummy. Okay, start the movie.

Within minutes I am hooked. Two girls in a car, going to one of the girl’s family home in the country to go study for a big exam. One girl (did I mention she’s hot?), Marie, apparently is not really into boys (implied by her friend’s comments). Alexa, whose house they are going to, seems to be slightly annoyed by this.

I turn to my girlfriend, “And we didn’t even KNOW there was a lesbian sub-plot! I LOVE this movie!” I say, all happy. You’ll see why this is funny later.

About this time, cut to a scene where a big, dirty (literally) man, in a scary old ice-cream or butcher truck, making weird grunting noises, is getting a blowjob, FROM A SEVERED HEAD. Okay, what? Wait, there’s more.

So the girls get to the house. We met mom, dad and little brother. It’s late at this point, and Alexa goes upstairs to take a shower. Marie goes outside to smoke. What’s this?…she can see Alexa taking a shower through the window! Oh oh, it seems like she likes it. Yet again, I practically yell, “I love this movie!”

So, Marie goes to the guest room, puts her headphones on, and slips her hand down her pants. Yep, she’s gonna masturbate. I wonder what she’s thinking about? Ah, I’d guess her friend in the shower. The minute she climaxes, the doorbell rings. Guess who it is? That’s right…Mr.Dirty Overalls! The bloodbath begins…

The whole family is massacred in a variety of gruesome ways…all except Alexa, who has been shackled and gagged. Maria has successfully avoided Mr. Dirty by hiding under beds and in closets, and vows to Alexa that she will save her.

Fast forward, and a few things have happened. Alexa was thrown into the van, and Maria snuck in with her. They stop at a gas station, and Maria sneaks out of the van and runs in and tells the attendant to call the police. But, too late. Mr. Dirty comes in and kills the guy. Maria does end up calling the police, but she doesn’t know where exactly she is, so…uh, good luck police!

Are you still with me? Because there really is a point to this!

Eventually, Marie has followed Mr. Dirty and Alexa to some woods where a bloody fight takes place. Mr. Dirty grabs Maria by the neck. “Does she turn you on?” he says to her as he is trying to kill her, “because she turns me on too.”

What? (You’ll see.)

Back at the gas station, we see that the police have found the poor axed-to-death attendant. Oh, and what’s this…the video camera footage! And guess what? It shows Marie killing the attendant.

This is when I push pause.

“Don’t tell me” I yell aloud, “that this is one of those ‘killer lesbian’ movies! Noooo.” I mean, I was actually really enjoying this movie.

Sure enough, When Marie “kills” Mr. Dirty and goes to unshackle Alexa, it becomes clear that the “crazed lesbian” was the killer all along. There’s no Mr. Dirty at all!

“You killed my family,” screams Alexa when her gag is undone.

“What? I was trying to help you,” says demented Marie. Then a chase pursues, with Marie pushing a chainsaw towards Alexa’s face (in an obviously sexually way), saying, “You love me don’t you? You love me.” And then kisses her. Anyway…at this point, there’s not much more to say. Alexa gets away, Marie gets committed. She sits on her bed, chanting, “nothing will ever get between us again…nothing will ever get between us again…”

The end.

“I hate this movie!” I yell. My girlfriend is pretty much just speechless.

Let’s review here, shall we?

Looking back, the whole terrible ordeal with Mr. Dirty starts when Marie is masturbating. I guess her “dirty inner big scary man” is unleashed at this point, and her monstrous sexuality is let loose to conquer and destroy. To obtain the girl, she has to first gruesomely murder the girl’s family. Her sexuality is so horribly perverted that she actually “becomes” a monster because of it….because of her lust for this girl. Not only does she kill the girl’s family (including a small child and DOG), she kidnaps the girl and kills a gas station attendant. Just because, apparently.

But what about the opening blowjob scene? My theory is that this is one of Marie’s perverted, twisted fantasies. Because, really…lesbians pretty much always think about getting blowjobs from severed heads, right?

I look to the “extras” for some explanation….I really need to hear something else…that maybe I misinterpreted the movie in some way.

The director’s comments are ridiculous. “This could have been a story with a boy and a girl,” he says. Oh, really, I think. But the boy would have to have an inner lesbian, wouldn’t he? “Marie just wants to be as cool as her friend Alexa,” he continues. “she doesn’t want to be WITH her, just wants to BE her.” Oh, RIGHT, Mr. Director…that’s why she stares at her naked and then masturbates, right? And the kiss…just a friendly little bloody kiss with a running chainsaw inches away, yeah?

When actress Cecile De France pipes in with her comments, I’m even more annoyed. “Obviously something is just not right with this character from the start,” she says. Why? Because her friend says she should be more into the guys that are hitting on her? Yeah, obviously she is a twisted sick psychotic…obviously she is going to behead some people! Watch out straight girl, it’s a given she is going to kidnap you and try to kill you!

Wow, what a disappointment. Here I was, clueless, and happy that an attractive, androgynous woman was saving the day without being the typical “horror film bimbo” and wham! I was blindsided by blatant (and really disturbing) homophobia. That sucks.

And, I’ll end this with a question: How could this movie be released in 2005, when France has a gay mayor and homosexuality has been taken out of the mental illness books? Wait, it has, right?