Good Vibrations Magazine

by Patrick Califia

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Excerpted from: Sensuous Magic

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The fantasy of being restrained while a passionate and forceful Other overcomes all resistance and wrings pleasure from your helpless body is probably one of the most common erotic dreams — for men as well as for women. Many people who have no interest in the rest of the S/M repertoire are fascinated with bondage. Some of us are so strongly drawn to the sensation of being held in place by ropes as taut as violin strings that we started tying ourselves up when we were children. So it makes sense that most of us begin experimenting with S/M by buying a package of rope or a pair of handcuffs.

From the outside, it may seem that tying somebody up is inherently less intense and much safer than, say, flagellation, but in fact that is not true. Placing ropes or chains on someone’s body alters their emotional as well as their physical state, and a caring bondage top should be aware of this. Someone who allows you to deprive them of freedom of movement is giving you an enormous gift of trust. To deserve that trust, the top must be ready to accept responsibility for the bottom’s well-being. In fact, this is the key to all ethical acts of sensual domination.

The Psychology of Bondage

The same set of leather bondage cuffs and chains can be used to create many different internal states. I have identified nine different types of bondage scenes. But there are probably many more, waiting for you and your partner to discover and define.

First, there is sensual bondage. If rope is used, it will be silky to the touch, perhaps brightly colored. A chain body harness might be chilled before being placed on the bottom’s body, or gently heated. The purpose of this type of bondage is to heighten the bottom’s awareness of his or her skin, muscles, and body tone. The goal is to create a state of arousal in the bottom and then prolong it without allowing orgasm, so that they float in a state of blissful need, craving the top’s touch. A scene like this is insidious, subtle, bewitching, and very seductive.

Bondage can also be physically stressful. A position can be selected that causes anything from mild discomfort to outright pain. It takes expertise to do this without putting excessive pressure on nerves or joints. These scenes work well with masochists who want the endorphins released when muscles are stretched and aching, but who do not enjoy being struck. The goal here is endurance, the bondage is a test, and the top is a watchful and demanding guardian.

Submission and bondage are immediately connected in many people’s minds, and many of the devices used in bondage are also powerful signifiers of submissive status — the collar, the leash, the hood, wrist cuffs worn in lieu of bracelets. The goal during a scene of this type is to create a state of surrender and allow the bottom to go under and yield to your authority. In this type of bondage, the top must assign meaning to any tokens that the bottom is allowed to wear. A collar, for example, should be presented with a bit of a speech. The Mistress might say to her kneeling male slave, “This is a nice, sturdy collar because you’re a very big dog indeed. And it’s important for dogs to know where they belong. You are to come when I call and take to the floor at my signal.”

Sensory deprivation is another common bondage technique. The top exercises power by restricting the bottom’s use of one or more of the five senses — sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch. Blindfolds and hoods, earplugs, and gags are often used in this type of scene. The goal may be to enhance helplessness, thus creating an even deeper state of submission. Or the top may want to surprise the bottom with a variety of painful and pleasurable caresses. Not knowing how, where, or when you will be touched can induce a state of delicious anticipation. A bottom who is gagged obviously can’t use his or her safeword. Give them a marble to hold, which they can release if they need to take a break and talk to you out of role.

There is also utilitarian bondage, in which the top restrains the bottom to make them hold still for another activity. It is often necessary to restrain bottoms who find that resistance, frustration, or anger come up when they try to play. Effective bondage can be reassuring for bottoms who are afraid that they might hurt themselves or their partner if they lose control. Tight bondage creates a safe space for these vulnerable feelings to emerge. Fear of being abandoned, grief over not receiving enough love, and shame about being sexually needy often spill out. This is when the top becomes a healer who mends broken hearts and comforts the psychically wounded. Not everyone is qualified to do this, and you should not hesitate to get assistance from an S/M-positive therapist if you feel overwhelmed.

Finally, bondage is a metaphor for trust. A scene that embroiders this theme can create a powerful bond between the two players. Although one person may look helpless and the other may seem to be in control, these distinctions rapidly disappear as the bottom demonstrates strength and courage by placing absolute trust in the top. For example, a Master may lace a new girl to his bed and tell her she must remain there, motionless, until he returns and sets her free. The thought of being left alone fills her with panic. As he places the blindfold over her eyes, she almost pronounces her safeword. But then, because of her knowledge of this man’s integrity and affection, she bites her tongue. She thinks, My Master would never do anything that would put me in real danger. And so she waits patiently, barely breathing, for what seems like hours, until he puts his hand upon her naked breast. After they make love and he has undone the knots, she learns that he only walked to the far end of the room to open and shut the door. He knew it wasn’t safe to leave a restrained person alone, and so he waited and kept watch on her, to see how she would behave when she thought she was not being observed.

Of course, you don’t need to restrict yourself to one of the above types of bondage scenes when you are designing an evening of entertainment for your partner. Good bondage scenes often alternate between modes, and sensations overlap. But it’s always best to begin a scene by clarifying your motives and goals. It’s easy to get caught up in technical issues and forget about the emotional and mental mechanisms that really drive an S/M relationship. I encourage you to learn all you can about rope craft, knots, restraining devices, and the history of bondage. On your way to becoming an expert on Japanese bondage or suspension, just remember: You can know a hundred knots and own a collection of antique fetters that would be envied in the Tower of London, but if there’s no rapport between subject and Director, package and Wrapper, the scene will be a flop.

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Copyright © 2001 by Patrick Califia. Reprinted with permission of the publisher.
Sensuous Magic by Patrick Califia (Cleis Press, 2001, ISBN 1-57344-130-9)

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Patrick Califia is one of the most prolific sex writers working today. His books include Macho Sluts, No Mercy, Speaking Sex to Power, and Public Sex. Califia writes monthly columns for Girlfriends and Out magazines and contributes regularly to On Our Backs, Bound and Gagged, and Poz. He lives in San Francisco. CHAPTER 03 Page 4 6/21/05