Good Vibrations Magazine

Put a few adults in a room in a casual, conversational atmosphere, put an adult video box on the coffee table — and see what happens. One by one, each of the adults will probably eye the box; the item in question will certainly be the topic of discussion within minutes. Chances are high that the discussion will be less about what or who is in the video. More likely, the conversation will revolve around who watches these things, and why — some will say that porn is watched only by perverts, or sexual deviants, completely ignorant of the fact that porn is watched by a wide variety of people around the world, and for many great reasons.

It’s tempting for me to say that being aroused, excited and agitated by porn is normal. Anti-porn pundits would disagree, saying that porn isn’t for “normal” people at all, that porn is for perverts. But I argue that the term “normal” suggests that there is a range in which sexual behavior is good, and that outside of this everything is harmful. Rather than using black and white terms like “normal” that denote any other behaviors as “perverted” or “wrong” (another term I despise), what can be more helpful in building a sense of healthy sexuality are some neutral descriptions of our actual experiences with explicit imagery — specifically adult films — and ways to assess what is really sexually harmful among consenting adults.

Hundreds of thousands of average people a year in the United States rent, purchase — and enjoy — porn. Porn is not just watched by single men but by women, men, and couples — with a diverse range of age, ability, sexual orientations and backgrounds. But in the quest to self-define our own healthy sexualities, let’s peel back the lid on all these average folks who watch porn. What are all these people using these dirty movies for? Why would any “normal” person watch porn — and what can you get from it?

Getting Off

The simple answer, of course, is “to get off.” Many people use adult videos just as another person would use a vibrator — like a sex toy. Switch it on, it gets you aroused and over the top, then switch it off and put it away. Explicit visual stimulation has such a powerful arousal trigger — especially sex acts, scenes or fantasy scenarios that fit into a particular fantasy — that most people (men and women) can use it reliably to bring themselves to orgasm.

A Different Kind of Education

In California, around 1980, most of us who were kids in fourth grade were treated to about one hour of sex education. This consisted of the boys and girls being separated and shown films about reproductive anatomy, puberty’s physiological changes and the cycle of birth. It was great to learn where babies came from, but as far as the whole of human sexuality and what we were going to discover as we became adults, these films didn’t seem related to sex at all. No one told us about pleasure, or what sex — or actual, non-illustrated genitals — looked like. Many people didn’t even get sexual education films in school.

Although the people in porn usually don’t look like “average” people — they’re relatively skinny, augmented, made-up and waxed — it does show us what it looks like when people have sex. It’s a whole different type of sex education, and a very essential one at that. Unless you make love in front of a mirror or look at your (and your partner’s) genitals up close, you may never have an accurate idea of what realistic genital topography is, or learn how you and your lover really like to be physically stimulated. For people who have concerns about how their genitals look or discomfort with how they look, it’s an eye opener to see someone else’s genitals eroticized — especially if they look like your own. My sexual education grew by leaps and bounds as I watched porn, simply because I saw a variety of types of anatomy, and I really got an education when I saw my first up-close female ejaculation, pulsing urethra and all. Porn isn’t great for learning about accurate sex techniques, since the editing means that the whole of sexual activity isn’t necessarily shown. But it can — sometimes inadvertently — be an amazing learning tool in this respect.

A Sex Toy for Two

There are plenty of articles in glossy men’s magazines like Maxim that tell guys how to convince their women to watch porn with them. What’s the allure for couples to try it? Easy — it’s another sex toy that couples can share. The first time you try it, watching an explicit film is an experiment; you’ll either think it’s lame and turn it off, hopefully laughing, or you might feel a twinge of arousal… maybe more. And it can be fun to watch hot sex, and both be turned on at the same time. Porn is a versatile toy, too, because you can take turns watching, use your hands, imitate the people onscreen, or use the imagery to spark desire and ignore the film altogether. How you use it together is up to you.

Find New Fantasies

By and large, lots of porn is pretty unimaginative. It falls into basic formulas, and the scene endings are, well, predictable. But adult film is probably one of the only industries in the world actively, endlessly exploring and enacting human sexual fantasies, always on the lookout for new scenarios, for new ideas to depict on film and even new positions and sex acts to show the viewer. This makes it a unique place to look for new material for your own fantasy life, and can give you new ideas of things to try with a lover. Often the scenarios might seem mundane, but you’ll likely be surprised by your libido when you become aroused seeing something from a new angle, or see a position you’d like to try, or even realize that you’d like to try a new type of sex act, such as oral sex or S/M.

It’s Just Something Different

Tired of the same old thing when you masturbate? You’re not alone — the popularity of sex toys in general underscores the fact that most people enjoy variety in their masturbation. Porn is just another way of stirring the pot.

Watching Something You’d Never Try Yourself

Sexual fantasies that you use for masturbation often don’t have a lot of grounding in reality, or if they do, they’re likely unrealistic in a big way — that’s why they’re fantasies. And that’s okay; it’s perfectly acceptable to fantasize about things you’d never actually try, or even ask someone else to do. Sometimes you might find that these fantasies are beyond what you’d deem okay for you to try in real life, and they might even seem disturbing. Just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you want it to come true. Fantasies of all stripes, from the benign to the extreme, can be found in porn, and this makes adult film an especially suitable arena to see something you’d never try yourself, but might enjoy masturbating to. This can range from fantasizing about same-sex sexual activities to masturbating to something you find potentially offensive — like facial come shots or scenarios involving a hint of force. If it offends or really bothers you, then don’t do it — but if you think about the fact that you’re watching consenting adults who are likely enjoying themselves, and that watching the material doesn’t change your identity in any way, feel free to use your forbidden fantasies to their full erotic potential.

When You Want Oral and Your Sweetie Doesn’t

What if, over time, you realize that you’d like to try a new sexual activity with your lover, such as oral sex, and you ask them to try it, and they aren’t interested? Well, you can drop the subject, never breach it again and mourn the loss of a potential fantasy being fulfilled with your lover — though you may wind up frustrated and resentful over time. I don’t recommend it. You could also cheat on your partner, though that’s almost always disappointing and ends badly. You could badger your partner, but that’s no solution, either. But you can address your dilemma with little or no damage to your relationship, and find a satisfying way to enjoy your fantasy — you can watch other people do it, in adult film. So if your lover absolutely hates the idea of wearing a strap-on and penetrating you with a commanding attitude and forceful demeanor, you can rent or buy a film like Bend Over Boyfriend, and watch other real-life loving couples — and get off on a vicarious thrill. You can even tell your lover that this is the solution you’d like to seek, though do so gently, and reassure your partner that this isn’t a substitute for her or him, simply a way for you to have your fantasy realized within your relationship. If your partner seems open to the idea, you can invite them to watch with you.

Starting A Conversation

When your sweetie does watch porn with you, you can use the video you choose as a vehicle for bringing up a sex act you’re interested in, one that might seem otherwise out of place to talk about in any other context. You can be watching a scene that contains something you find sexually interesting, like a threesome, and see how they feel about it, sort of test the waters before you actually express your desires about making it come true. You can comment on the sex act, ask your partner what he or she thinks of it, and chances are good you’ll either know right away that your partner isn’t interested, or you’ll have the perfect opportunity to start talking about it as a fantasy for you both to share.

Until next month, masturbate responsibly, and enjoy your porn to its fullest potential.