Good Vibrations Magazine

Editor’s Note: Following is an excerpt from the new Greenery Press book Sex Disasters (and How to Survive Them). by Charles Moser, MD, PhD, and Janet W. HardyIn this handbook akin to the Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook, the authors teamed up with attorneys, cops, EMTs and more to provide practical, thoughtful and useful solutions for the worst possible sexual mishaps and accidents. Find out what to do when the condom disappears, the threesome goes awry, items get stuck where they shouldn’t, erections won’t stay — or go away — and much, much more.

I was right on the edge… and my vibrator quit. Please, please, please, I want my vibrator back!

This is pretty typical of the way electrical toys give up the ghost, says Uncle Abdul, author of Juice: Electricity for Pleasure and Pain. (Too bad – we were enjoying the mental picture of showers of sparks flying around the bedroom and lights going out for blocks around.)

“Most commercially made electrical toys are designed very solidly, with excellent insulation,” he notes. “If something goes wrong inside, the toy simply stops.” You should not try to fix it, notes Unc, unless you’re a qualified electrician — simply discard it, use your hand for now, and buy a new one soon. In fact, if the toy looks in any way damaged — particularly if the case is cracked, the cord frayed or the plug seriously banged-up or bent — get rid of it. (Yes, we know you paid 100 buckaroos for it. But it was worth it, wasn’t it?)

The most common accident Unc has heard of with broken electrical toys involve those vibrating eggs that are attached to a cord with a control box at the end. “People insert the egg into a vagina or anus… then, when they want to take it out, they tug on the cord. The egg comes loose and there they are with both parts of a live electrical wire inside their partner’s bodily orifice.” This probably isn’t too dangerous, says Unc, “but you may get a very dramatic and startling reaction.” (We can just imagine.) To avoid this kind of incident, drop the egg part into a female condom before inserting it and leave the ring at the end of the condom outside your partner’s body.

It was the best orgasm ever. And then there was this blinding headache…

Not uncommon, really – one of your authors is an occasional sufferer. (You’ll have to have sex with both of us to find out which… preferably at the same time.) Head-down positions seem to be a factor for a lot of people.

If this is the first time you’ve had this problem, you should mention it to your doctor — especially if you’re only feeling it on one side of your head.

But assuming it’s just your standard-issue post-orgasmic brain-buster… first, stop what you’re doing, if you haven’t already. Lying down in a dark room will probably help.

Beyond that, there’s no one thing that works for everyone. Here are a couple of things that seem to help some people.

• A cup of coffee or another caffeinated beverage
• Some aspirin, acetominophen (Tylenol) or ibuprofen
• A heating pad under the neck
• A spritz of nasal spray containing oxymetazoline hydrochloride (e.g., Afrin). This can help even more if you use it before you come; damned if we know why.
• Your doctor can prescribe other, very effective, medications as well.

We hope one of these helps you — “Not tonight, dear, I’m going to have a headache” is a rotten excuse.

Rrahhharraharrgh. (Translation: I was going down on my girlfriend and my jaw went out of joint.)

This is a pretty unusual situation, but it has been known to happen. Don’t try to push the jaw closed — the jaw joint is a delicate one and you don’t want to damage it. Massaging it gently might help. If it doesn’t, you’ll need a doctor to manipulate it back into place.

More commonly, you could experience jaw soreness or a muscle spasm that makes it hard to open your mouth the day after an enthusiastic blowjob. Rest your face — no bubble gum, sourdough bread, cunt-lapping or blowjobs (well, you can receive them, just don’t give them) until you feel better. Over-the-counter antinflammatory drugs like aspirin or ibuprofen might help, as might a nice massage to the affected area. If ice or heat sound like they’d feel good, try them, too.

To avoid the same problem next time, we recommend experimenting with different positions. Some options for ergonomic oral sex: a pillow under the receiver’s butt, a pillow under the giver’s head, both of you on your sides with the giver’s head on the receiver’s thigh, etc.