Good Vibrations Magazine

At Good Vibrations we have an education department that coordinates and oversees our After Hours classes, the rigorous in-house staff training, and a team of dedicated individuals that give outreach workshops. To me, the Outreach Team is an earnest group of heroes, traveling great distances for no or little money to present sex ed. workshops for organizations that often have little means but want to educate the folks they serve about making safe choices. The trained sex educators on the Team aren’t salespeople, instead they present our belief that the key to sexual well-being lies in having the knowledge to make informed choices, without sacrificing safety for pleasure (or vice-versa). They give pleasure physiology workshops to homeless HIV+ women, teach service providers at health clinics about sex toys, run hilarious masturbation workshops with queer youth and much, much more. And they have richly rewarding experiences doing them — I know, because I write the monthly Outreach column, “The Word,” chronicling their experiences. Last month, something amazing happened when one of the presenters went to NAFFA, the National Association For Fat Acceptance — so special that it bears retelling here.

In June, Outreach presenter Betty got an assignment for Memorial Day Weekend: to present workshops sexual communication and positive attitudes about sex for the San Francisco chapter of NAFFA. These workshops primarily root out negative sex messages that we all carry around with us, and transform them into positive sexual communication. In essence, they help people to be able to ask for what you they in bed, and help them feel good about sex. Betty knew what the score would be for the NAFFA participants — that their blocks would be size-related — but she also was mentally chewing on the fact that the assignment was hers because of her size, and this was bringing up some blocks of her own.

So, with a cloud around her head, Betty proceeded the hotel where the conference was being held. The minute she walked in the lobby with all of her presenter gear, she entered a surreal scene in which she was the center. A few women cried out, “Good Vibes is here!” prompting a small crowd of huge women in togas and bathing suits to descend on Betty at the front desk, surrounding her. Excited, they all followed Betty to the presentation room.

To get the women started while Betty set up, she had printed out our shopping guide for fat folks, and brought the toys featured in the guide. Whatever apprehension she was feeling was quickly brushed aside as the women handled the toys, asked questions about them, and then looked at the harnesses in disbelief, saying “I can’t wear this. I’m too big.” Betty began explaining how the harnesses were made for bigger people, and sure they would fit, when one woman pointedly asked, “does it fit you?” Betty knew there was only one thing she could do, in front of the assembled 25 women — try on the harness.

Betty pulled the harness over her clothes, and it fit! The women were amazed and elated to see things that could fit them, telling Betty that because of their size they don’t feel comfortable going into the stores knowing they’d be shopping next to tiny women who could wear anything. They really didn’t think that Good Vibes would be able to meet their needs, but after seeing the shopping guide and the toys, they realized that there was access to exploring sexuality that included them. The ice had been broken in a very meaningful way for the group, so Betty moved on to begin the Communication workshop with a body awareness exercise called “Body Contact.”

The “Body Contact” requires people to negotiate mobility by walking in a circle, stopping to pair off, and together make contact as directed by Betty. For instance, Betty would say, “Knee and hand on the floor” or “knee to breast,” and participants then decide together who does what, and how. This exercise is used in many workshops to get people negotiating together, but what Betty didn’t realize until the exercise was well underway was that mobility was the core of fat issues — most women couldn’t put their knee to their breast, and had to negotiate with their partner to use their knee. Also, some women required canes to walk with, and had to ask partners to touch the floor for them. For Betty it was an eye-opener about the women’s limitations, and the women had a gas, encouraging Betty to boss them around more and to use the riding crop that was in the toys that she brought for display. Betty picked up the crop, and the women became very excited, prompting Betty to smack the wall for enthusiasm!

From there, they delved into some pretty heady discussions about issues that fat women face when encountering sexuality, such as how to define desire when it’s been lost, breaking down myths about being fat and enjoying sex, and “going past ‘fat women aren’t sexy.’” They worked around not only sexual taboos, but also fat taboos and fat fears during sex, like the notions of being “smothered,” etc… The Communication workshop naturally turned to the Sex Positivity workshop, as Betty led them deeper into exploring fat social sexual stigmas. Together, with Betty quite involved on a personal level as she realized she was when she got the assignment, they broke down negative attitudes and messages about sex within themselves. They examined sexual images, the realities of fat women having sex, and how fat women pass shame on to each other. Betty said, “It got intense. We really got to the heart of the matter, of what we as fat women truly deserve sexually.”

Betty brought the workshops full circle to finish with every woman creating an “I” statement about what they deserve sexually, such as “I deserve to have…” At the end the women read their statements aloud and applauded each other’s affirmations. The group stayed long after talking and discussing depression, and dealing with antidepressants, which are major issues that they all face. Betty reflected, “The women really touched each other. It was truly a safe space.”

Follow the Outreach Team’s amazing experiences in “The Word,” a monthly column.