Good Vibrations Magazine

I ran a workshop recently in New York talking about sex, pleasure and abuse. The participants were men and women who had experienced some type of physical or sexual abuse and many of their partners. We talked about the impact of trauma on their sex lives and particularly their experience of pleasure.

I think most folks just assume that pleasure is a great thing, no matter what. Who would turn away from or try to escape pleasure when so much of our time is spent pursuing it, after all? People may assume that abuse or trauma only creates a sense of distrust of touch or people, or a fear of being hurt again. Who would think that trauma and sexual abuse also leaves the survivor with a distrust of pleasure?

Our discussions in New York about abuse and pleasure mirrored so many others when it comes to the impact of abuse on a person’s subsequent experience of pleasure. Survivors have a whole array of responses to pleasure, some much less pleasurable than others.

There are a variety of ways that trauma impacts a person’s experience of pleasure. Here are common experiences you may have as a survivor when it comes to pleasure:

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It is easier to allow and experience sexual pleasure with someone you are not close to or emotionally intimate with.
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Sexual pleasure brings on a backwash of guilt and shame, like you are dirty, bad, or something is wrong with you.
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Sexual pleasure brings on the feelings and sensations you had during the abuse. These may be fear, pain, panic, helplessness, anger, wanting to disappear. These experiences may be visual flashbacks or body sensations.
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Sexual pleasure may also be thrown back to a response of feeling used or that you have to perform for the other, excluding yourself.
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Pleasure of any sort, like relaxation, fun and humor, and physical pleasure can bring on a sense of not deserving, as if you are not supposed to have pleasure while it is all right for others.
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Pleasure may also bring on a sense of danger and the need to stay hyper-alert. “If I let myself feel this, something bad is going to happen!”
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Sexual pleasure can bring on a sense of being “found out.” “If I really allow this much pleasure people will find out that… the abuse was my fault, I liked it, I am bad, etc.”

Liking sex and feeling sexual pleasure can stir a reaction of feeling like a perpetrator or selfish. “If I like it this much, I must be like them.”

If any of these reactions get stirred up for you when you experience pleasure you are not alone. The impact that trauma has on pleasure is confusing and normal. You can think of these responses as a bunch of crossed wires in your system. Instead of pleasure meaning pleasure, pleasure is mixed up with non-consensuality, fear, helplessness or shame. The feeling or sense of pleasure will still be there too, making it all the more confounding.

Our bodies respond automatically when we feel touch. This is wonderful when the touch is wanted and safe — when it is not, our bodies will still have a normal and biological response. In the case of sexual abuse, this automatic response can lead to orgasm, even though the touch is non-consensual.

Our bodies also respond automatically to attack or danger. We will automatically react to protect ourselves. In the animal world we are familiar with the “fight or flight response.” This happens in humans too, along with the “freeze” response. Under distress we will respond automatically in one or more of these ways for survival. On the outside this may look like becoming very still, fighting, running, or disappearing deep inside yourself, or out of your body (dissociating).

Now, in many cases of abuse, both the pleasure responses and the protective responses can be happening simultaneously. This is what crosses all of those wires. This is not just a mental/emotional phenomenon, but also a physiological one.

For many survivors, the majority of whom are hurt by someone close to them, this ends up feeling like, “I hate you, I want you; I need you, get away from me; I can’t stand to be close to you, I need you to comfort me.” It is very confusing for survivors and in turn for their chosen partners.

Anything that gets stirred up in you around pleasure you can think of as remnants of the abuse left over in your body, mind and emotions. These automatic reactions in some way are signposts pointing to the experiences needing attention and healing. If you ignore them, try to squelch them or have sex on top of them, they usually get stronger. These wounds will find a different way to get your attention if you push them underground — coming out in your health, work, and relationships, instead.

When you find these reactions happening for you around pleasure you can know that the abuse and your self-protection and your normal, healthy pleasure responses are mixed up together. When you find this you can pay attention to the reactions as places within you that need healing. You can do this by talking about them, writing and drawing, and very importantly, attending to them physiologically. What do I mean by this? Include your body as a central aspect of your healing through body-based therapy, a somatic trauma group, or emotional support paired with skilled bodywork. The trauma needs to be worked out of your body as well to “re-wire” those reactions.

The most important thing to do, although it may feel counter-intuitive, is to face into the sensations and emotions emerging while you feel pleasure. This may feel scary at first, but your courage will build as you do it. You also want to bring your sense of strength, courage or wisdom with you as you face your pleasure reactions. I mean by this bringing the feelings of being resourceful to the feelings of what was broken or wounded. The first helps to rebuild the second.

The second piece of equation to heal pleasure after abuse lies in finding pleasure on purpose. In some way practicing pleasure at the level that you can. It is like practicing so that you will get better and more familiar with pleasure. Not a bad thing to practice.

If you have a lot of reactions tied to sexual pleasure, or feeling pleasure in general, it’s good to start small. This could be feeling the sun on your skin, or a breeze across your face. This could be really noticing the pleasurable flavor of something you like to eat. This is opening your senses up more to pleasure, and then noticing that nothing bad happens. Whatever way you decide to notice pleasure on purpose, notice it in and through your body. What are the sensations of it rather than the idea of it? It is the sensations and your body that are getting rewired.

After you have gotten good at experiencing the simple pleasures on your own (most people want to skip that stage) than you can begin to practice with somebody else. You might start with holding hands and have it lead to nothing else, or hair brushing, or long simple strokes down the body. Again the practice is pleasure — not pushing yourself at too quick a pace. You can imagine you are learning something wonderful that you didn’t get to learn the first time through. Take your time and learn it well.