Good Vibrations Magazine

If you’ve ever suffered from ongoing depression, you know that it can have profound effects on your life, especially your sex life. And if you haven’t suffered ongoing or chronic depression, you’ve still probably experienced short term or situational depression — which can be just as severe, and more immediate. Depression can be triggered by any number of life changes, including relationship difficulties, family trouble, loneliness, and more. There are also any number of physical conditions that may contribute to depression, including diabetes, pregnancy, malnutrition, lack of exercise, insomnia, drug or alcohol consumption, illness or traumatic injury — just to name a few.

But despite its commonality, there’s still an intense stigma around depression. The world doesn’t seem to like people who complain about bizarre, abstract psychological or emotional things that are hard to quantify; it’s just fine to complain about the weather, your car repair or electric bills. But start talking about how frustrated you feel with your life, how abandoned you feel by your parents, how unhappy you are with your emotional makeup, and people tend to get uncomfortable in a variety of ways.

Reaching Out

What’s worse, depression may make it hard to reach out to your friends, family, or lovers in the first place. When you’re in the throes of depression, the slightest sense of discomfort on someone else’s part may seem like a world-shattering event.

The interference with intimacy is part of the cycle of depression. But there’s an even more insidious way depression may impair your ability to enjoy life: depression often suppresses the sex drive. This strikes at the root of your sexuality — desire — and can even prevent your enjoying self-sexuality, one of the most important ways many of us nurture ourselves. This, too, becomes part of the cycle.

When one partner in a relationship is depressed, the other partner may feel frustrated, angry and abandoned if the depression interferes with the couple’s sex life. This can escalate both the depression and the loss of libido, not to mention making it harder for the non-depressed partner to help or comfort his or her lover.

And there’s yet another side to it, because depression can impair judgment as well as desire. People who suffer from depression may be more likely to engage in unsafe sex, as one recent Australian study (and scads of anecdotal evidence) found of gay men. There hasn’t been any research done to find out if these are the same people who feel suppressed sex drive — perhaps seeking riskier behavior to access their suppressed sexuality. But regardless, it’s clear that depression can inhibit healthy sexual expression.

The Effects of Antidepressants

Concerns about sex can also affect how comfortable you feel getting treatment for your depression. Virtually all antidepressants have a chance of sexual side effects, something that most doctors fail to mention unless asked. But brain chemistry is individual, and patients often need to try several antidepressants that don’t work for them before they find a drug or combination of drugs that does work.

Unfortunately, antidepressants may suppress your sex drive regardless of whether they work or not. When that happens, it can make a bad situation worse, even separate from any other negative side effects the medication may cause.

Concern about sexual side effects is a major factor that prevents some patients from seeking medication, because some depressed patients experience their sexuality as one of their few comforts. But that said, there have been great advances in antidepressants in the last 10 years alone, giving us a greater variety of medications to choose from. One relatively recent medication, buproprion or Wellbutrin, is even used to treat lack of desire in addition to being a medication for depression. While it doesn’t have that effect on everybody, it’s one example of the ways in which there are many more options for someone who wants to seek medication for depression.

If You’re Depressed and In A Relationship

If you’re suffering from a depression that impacts your sex life in a way that you or your partner find troubling, the first step is to acknowledge both the depression and the sexual effects. Remember that your partner may have a difference of opinion with you as to how your sex life has been affected. Depression may interfere with your perception of that. If your sex drive is suppressed and your partner’s isn’t, it’s unlikely you’ll think that the lack of sex is a problem or, perhaps, that it exists at all. And hearing that your partner is unhappy with how much or how often you want sex can seem like a criticism.

Even so, if there’s a difference of opinion between you and your partner on this topic, it’s important that you be realistic both about how your sexual desire really has changed, and how you feel about it. If your partner is extremely concerned about a perceived lack of desire, and you couldn’t care less, then there’s a good reason for that, and to ignore it is to risk even further damage to yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

That reason is that desire is not something a depressed person can “conjure,” and you don’t owe it to your partner to want him or her. Engaging in “mercy fucks” when you’re depressed usually results in a dysfunctional sort of caregiving cycle: if you’re depressed and you try to “provide” for your partner by feigning desire that isn’t there or kidding yourself about whether you want to have sex, you’re getting away from the one thing you need to do right now: take care of yourself.

If You’re Depressed and Taking Risks

However much sex educators and doctors may express concern over unsafe sex, it exists for one simple reason: because it gives a practitioner something he or she thinks safe sex would not. That is doubly true if you’re depressed and you find yourself taking risks that, later or during sex, you’re uncomfortable having taken. You may be drawn to risky behavior because it’s an intense experience, or you may have trouble asserting yourself and protecting yourself, or you may just not feel like safe sex matters.

Many people take sexual risks they wouldn’t admit to their friends — and in fact virtually all sex has some element of risk, however small. But when you’re depressed, your judgment is impaired. You may not be able to judge a moderate risk from a major one, or take the steps to protect yourself if an experience escalates into behavior you might be uncomfortable with. Therefore, it’s a time to take fewer sexual risks, not more. While the experience may jar you out of a depression briefly, it’s unlikely that it’ll create long-term improvement.

The medical model of “sex addiction” is, for the most part, garbage — a construct designed by the medical and psychiatric community to pathologize people who have sex more than the doctor making the diagnosis thinks they should. But that doesn’t mean sexual compulsion doesn’t exist. We all experience it on some level, because that’s what desire is. But it’s a matter of degree, and if you feel out of control of your sexuality when you’re depressed, it’s a good idea to exercise more caution and conscious thought about your choices until you can get the depression under control.

If You’re Depressed and Single

If you’re not in a relationship and your depression is interfering with your self-sexuality in a way that’s uncomfortable for you, perhaps it will help to remember that your sex drive will likely be there for you if you can get through the depression. In fact, many people come out of a depression with a renewed sexual vigor, finding that their libido is vastly increased — and seems wonderful now that they have something to compare it to.

If, on the other hand, you’re depressed because you’re not in a relationship — and this is a very common experience — try not to look at getting into a relationship as a way to cure your depression. Being depressed because you’re single and lonely often overshadows some deeper sort of dissatisfaction, and it also makes it difficult to find a partner, because being depressed makes it awfully hard to be effervescent and sexy over dinner conversation.

Try to deal with yourself first and foremost. Expecting a relationship to cure your depression is almost always unrealistic. Instead, learn to take care of yourself, and consider a relationship only when you’re feeling positive again. If you’re finding your desire for sexual connection is interfering with taking care of yourself, you might want to consider seeing a sex worker, but don’t try to turn that interaction into a romantic relationship — it will probably just prove frustrating for you. Erotic books or videos can prove an invaluable outlet at times like these, giving you a chance to enjoy sexuality without having to get into a relationship you might not be ready for.

If Your Partner is Depressed

If your partner is depressed and his or her sex drive seems lessened, it’s important for you to do two things: first, understand that your partner may be going through a profound and challenging experience, and second, take care of yourself. Often the partner of a depressed person can feel obligated or compelled to be a caregiver. If your sexual needs aren’t being met, you may tell yourself “He/she is depressed, I’ll just pretend I don’t want it.” That’s the road to ruin, because denying your needs is only going to make it harder on both of you. At the same time, it’s important to be realistic about what your partner wants and doesn’t want.

Communication is important. Remember that if your partner is depressed, he or she may not be able to hear “I love you and I’m frustrated that you don’t want to have sex more often right now.” That simple statement may morph into “I’m frustrated” or even “I hate you I hate you I hate you” in the mind of a depressed person. That can make communication incredibly frustrating for both partners. The only way to lessen that is to provide for communication difficulties when one partner is depressed; be as understanding and gentle as you know how to be, without letting go of your own needs. You have a right to sexual satisfaction, and your partner has a right to deal with his or her depression in a way appropriate for him or her.

If your partner is depressed and taking risks you’re uncomfortable with, it can create a whole suite of seemingly unrelated relationship problems. Whether it’s cheating (in a monogamous relationship), non-negotiated risks with others (in an open relationship), or non-negotiated risks with you (in others), inappropriate risk-taking can escalate faster than any other relationship problem. In that case, it’s extremely important that you assert your needs. Don’t ever put yourself at a level of risk you’re uncomfortable with. If your partner isn’t hearing your concerns, consider changing the nature of the relationship until he or she does. Couples counseling is often difficult for people in depression, but if risk-taking is an ongoing problem, it’s worth considering.

Lastly, do everything you can to experience your life and keep it manageable: Try not to isolate yourself from your friends and loved ones, but at the same time, be prepared to take some time for yourself. Try to eat healthy food on a regular schedule and get enough sleep each night. Get some exercise — that’s one of the factors that has consistently helped depressed patients in a number of studies. Consider exploring meditation, yoga, or another discipline that promotes relaxation. Consider limiting your intake of alcohol, cigarettes, and recreational drugs, all of which can greatly contribute to depression. The same goes for refined sugars.

Making it Mo’Better

Most importantly, remember that when you’re depressed your body and mind are going through a very important process. Anything that distracts you from that process can make it seem even harder than it is. If your sex life isn’t working for you, consider changing it temporarily. Whether that means slowing down, stopping or speeding up your sexual expression, remember that sex is central to who we are. Seek sexual healing when and how you want it, and honor both your right to say “yes” and your right to say “no.”