Good Vibrations Magazine

It is summer and it’s hot — weather and otherwise. Flowers are blooming, the beaches are hopping, and movies are depicting sizzling sex scenes. Summer is supposedly the time for hot lovin’. With all this going on, you may feel a bit estranged from the rest of the planet if you find yourself uninterested in sex and just not feeling the call. You may be asking yourself, “If sex is so great, why do I not feel turned on?” Or, “Why do I not feel turned on with the person I want to be with?” These are good questions and ones that more people than you are asking.

Sexual disinterest is common, but people often feel ashamed to really talk about their lack of sexual desire. Some talk about it in the context of long-term relationships. They’ve been together too long, their partner is too familiar, etc. It’s true, there is an art to staying sexually creative through long-term relationships, but this is a small part of the picture when it comes to sexual disinterest. Many things influence our interest in sex, whether we are talking about sex with ourselves, a long-term partner, or a date. Age and hormones, mental and physical health, histories of abuse or trauma, stress, emotional upset, and a downward turn in the trust or safety in a relationship can all impact your sex drive. Addressing sexual disinterest goes beyond trying a new sex tip or technique. I find that in order to experience and sustain sexual aliveness, a deeper look is usually called for.

What do I mean? Let me give you some examples of people who struggle with sexual disinterest.

Yolanda

Yolanda is personable, smart and has a hard time with sex. She finds it difficult to feel sexual desire and enjoy it. She knows how to talk about sex and does with her friends, but is conflicted about it herself. She had a very religious upbringing in which sex was considered sinful. She was also found masturbating as a child and shamed for her exploration. This may sound like a typical story, but the impact can be long lasting for people. For Yolanda sex and desire also bring guilt and shame. When she gets sexually aroused, she feels bad and ashamed. After a while you learn to not get sexually aroused to avoid the pain that comes with it.

Many people do not want to get sexually aroused because the other things they feel that come with it are too painful like shame, intense fear, feeling endangered, dirty, or unworthy. They would rather feel less sex drive so they can feel less pain.

Michael

Michael has a successful career. He is quiet and self-reflective, and for him sex is a messy can of worms. He has been married for 15 years to a woman he still loves. Yet, soon after they were married he found himself uninterested in having sex with her. He tried a number of excuses, even tried to have sex when he didn’t want to, but his disinterest only grew. Meanwhile she was frustrated, confused and angry. He grew more withdrawn and guilty trying to make up for it, and then tried to avoid the topic altogether. Michael also found himself sexually attracted to other women, and began to have affairs. So here he is, in love with his wife, not at all interested in sex with her — and having sex with women he doesn’t want to marry. He is sexually interested in the affairs but cannot seem to find any sexual interest at home.

This is not your common locker room talk. Who can you openly talk to about this kind of experience? Michael’s history is one of being sexually abused as a child. The closer he gets emotionally to someone the more dangerous it feels to be sexual. But what is going to happen when his partner finds out he is having sex with other women and not her?

Many men have histories of sexual abuse that affect their desire and relationship to sex and intimacy.

Lore and Tony

Lore and Tony have been together for 6 years. Two years ago Lore had sex outside their relationship that Tony found out about. They stayed together through this and patched things up, but there is lingering distrust and questions on Tony’s side. Why did Lore have sex with someone else, am I not desirable? Is she going to do this again even though she says she won’t? They still have sex, but it is less frequent and they are less vulnerable with each other. It is harder for Tony to feel turned on with the mistrust she feels. When there is mistrust or betrayal that is left un-mended, sex and our willingness to risk get effected. Sex takes openness and trust to sustain over time.

What is it Like for Partners?

Being with a partner that does not have sexual interest or regular sexual desire can be very difficult. It is almost impossible to not take it personally. The reasons for your partner’s lack of desire may not be about you, but either way it is hard on the self esteem and is intimately frustrating. Sex needs to be addressed and taken on as something vital to both partners in a relationship. I have seen very few relationships be successful over time without taking on sexual disinterest and coming up with mutual solutions that bring sex back into the relationship.

So what is there to do about a lack of sexual desire? The thing about sexual interest is that you can’t just will it to be different and expect any change. You can’t think your way out of it. There are concrete steps you can take over time that will make a difference around your sexual desire, however. Here are some of those steps:

*Reflect on and develop your own, very personal reason to have your sexuality be an alive and healthy part of yourself. Find a strong leverage point for yourself — why does sexual desire matter to you? Not something like, “Well it would be nice to feel it,” but a reason that really moves you internally. Maybe your reason is that your mother and the women in your family before her lived without that kind of pleasure and you’re not going to for another generation! Or your reason could be that you don’t have full access to your creativity if you aren’t connected to your sexuality. You need to find your own reason to have your sexuality.
* Awaken your sexuality through daily practices — we become what we practice. When we aren’t connected to and feeling our desire regularly we get bogged down sexually. It’s like we get rusty and have to get things moving again. When you awaken your sexuality daily, it is much easier to stay connected to your desire.

To get connected:
Bring your attention and breath to your sex, desire and your pelvis. Breathe into your lower body while you begin to feel the sensations in your body. Now rock your pelvis forward and back. This is one of the natural motions our bodies make when aroused. Feel your sensations and body. Practice this for 5 minutes a day. See what happens — instead of trying to control your responses or run away, stay there with yourself and be curious about what shows up. Practiced regularly, this is a sure path to your sexual desire and will also show you what is in the way of it.
* Yabyam. Another practice is to sit in what the Tantricas call yabyam with your partner daily. You do this by sitting face to face, one person on the others lap, legs wrapped around your partners back. If this is not comfortable, sit face to face, with your legs wrapped around each other’s backs. Then set the timer for 5 minutes. Sit and breathe feeling your own body and looking into your partner’s eyes. Breath from the pelvis all the way up to the top of the head, stopping at the genitals, belly, the diaphragm, heart, throat, forehead, and the top of the head. The Tantricas use this as a time to consciously connect their spirituality to their sexuality.
* Practice sexual arousal without orgasm with yourself and your partner. Make a deal not to go toward orgasm and slow everything down. Focus on the feelings and connection. This gives you a pressure-free chance to work with the emotions and experiences that may be effecting your desire.
* If you find that past painful experiences or trauma are in the way of an open sexuality for you, seek out resources and appropriate help. Past hurts and trauma are mendable, and they don’t get worked through by ignoring them. Taking on the work of healing and recovery are well worth the benefits that your own sexuality and pleasure bring.
* Prioritize sex in your relationship with yourself and your partner. What does that mean? Time. Make, schedule, cajole, and find, time for your sexual expression and life. Especially in long-term relationships, other parts of your life tend get most of your time. Remember, though; we become what we practice regularly. What lies dormant and unattended to stays that way. Sex and desire need care and feeding and regular attention. Make time for yourself sexually and sex with your partner. The pay-off greatly outweighs the investment.