Good Vibrations Magazine

For Pride Month, I’m going to address a concern for many of us queer folk. There have been a lot of angry queers since Proposition 22 passed — that evil Knight Initiative officially declaring same-sex marriage illegal in California. Now personally, I don’t ever want to marry — man, woman, or monkey — but I do demand the right to do so, especially for all my gay friends who are busy nesting and billing and cooing like little lovebirds. Ech.

Anywaaaaay, by the same token, I have no desire to go playing Army with a lot of beefy guys in uniform (although strangely enough, that does sound kind of enticing), but I want the right to do so without the stipulation of Not Asking, Not Telling, and Not “Being All That I Can Be.” The Marines need a few good men, but apparently not men loving men, just killing them. By the way, May 20 is Armed Forces Day — take a sailor to lunch or breakfast in bed. You might even get an honorable discharge out of it.

Nonetheless, perhaps we should consult a noted nationally syndicated radio shrink-talk show host about this. Let’s say, oh I don’t know, Dr. Laura Schlessinger? Even though she has no degree in psychiatry or psychology (or ophthalmology — since she is obviously short-sighted; but she might have a degree in ornithology, since she is such a bird-brain), Dr. Laura has taken it upon herself to educate the public about the psychology of homosexuals and their “deviant” yet “curable” behavior, many being “pedophiles” and all of them “biological errors,” according to the faux doctor.

But we should allow her to blather on, because after all — what about free speech? So what if she actively campaigned against gay adoption, gay marriage and equal benefits? Isn’t it her Constitutional right to say what she wants over the air? Yes, unfortunately. But it’s also our right to scream and picket and make a huge fuss over this biological error of a fascist moralist. Free speech becomes rather costly when it leads to suicide and hate crimes. By the way, you might want to click onto the very useful www.stopdrlaura.com website and check out the activist strategies there. Stopdrlaura.com has just gone public, and I’m happy to report my pink chip stocks in it are already splitting all over the place. Okay, I lied about it being an IPO, but it’s still a terrific investment — of time.

But I digress. We were talking about gay marriage.

Vermont is for lovers

The good news is the Vermont House has approved legislation that creates the closest thing to gay marriage America has ever seen. This just goes to prove my long-held belief that Vermont has more to offer than just maple syrup. If the bill allowing gays to form “civil unions” becomes law, the state will have gone further than any other in recognizing same-sex couples. Not far enough, but at least it’s progress. The Vermont bill provides for unions that amount to marriage in everything but name. But as that old poofter Will Shakespeare would say, “What’s in a name? A spouse by any other name would smell as sweet.” Or Gertrude Stein might say, “A spouse is a spouse is a spouse.”

By way of this bill, partners could apply for a license from town clerks and have their civil union “certified” by a justice of the peace, a judge, or a member of the clergy. Sister Dana is already planning to hang his plaque out on the Perpetual Indulgence convent gate: “Nun available for queer marriage ceremonies, premarital counseling, and post-nuptial three-ways.”

Of course, with marriage comes divorce. Gay partners who want to split up would have to go through dissolution proceedings in Family Court, in the same way that married couples have to pursue a divorce. They would also assume each other’s debts like married couples do. Hey waitaminnit, all of a sudden this isn’t sounding so great. It could get very messy. Can you just imagine the arduous task of dividing up the community property? “The leather and fetish wear are mine; the cocktail dresses, wigs, and high heels are yours; we’ll have to argue about the country western gear; you can have the ferret and I’ll keep the gerbil. And I don’t know what the hell we’re gonna do about the diva CD collection!” Hmmmm, maybe I’d better add “pre-divorce counseling and one-last-three-way for old time’s sake” when I hang my shingle.

Civil governments have a long and ugly history of restricting marriage based on race, gender, location, income, tribe, health, etc. After all, it was just back in 1967 when the US Supreme Court finally told the last 13 States to remove laws that banned interracial marriage in the landmark Loving vs. Virginia decision. We can help stop this similar form of discrimination. One million signatures are needed to place an initiative on the California ballot, changing the state constitution to allow marriage between two people of the same sex.

Check out www.samesexmarriage.org, the home of Californians for Same-Sex Marriage. CaSSM, rhymes with orgasm, is a registered California campaign committee run by a bunch of way kewl grassroots activists.

All this gives us an excellent opportunity to polish up our activism skills. For instance, last year on IRS tax deadline night, some of us Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence gathered around the main post office chanting “2-4-6-8, IRS discriminates,” and holding placards reading, “Equal rights are civil rights,” “Gay couples would gladly take the marriage penalty,” and “No joint returns allowed for gay couples.”

I suggest gay folks all get vans and decorate them with wedding crap and a big “Still Not Married” sign and show up on the front lawn of some of these homophobes against queer marriage. What if every unmarried same-sex couple could “return” a used toaster or other damaged wedding present to the Mormon Church and all those pro-Knight organizations? Pile the steps of their temples and buildings with useless wedding gifts — like broken blenders, chipped china, gouged goblets — not to mention shredded wedding dresses, tattered tuxes, and old dried up, flaky bouquets; and top it all off with lots and lots of stale, sticky wedding cake. Spray cheap champagne everywhere. Throw a fit while you throw the rice.

Whatever we do, let’s not stand idly by and watch queer rights get jerked from gays. And if you happen to run across a cute eligible bachelor, tell him Sister Dana is currently auditioning for an ex-husband.