Good Vibrations Magazine

Too many of us hide our masturbation from our partners. Perhaps we feel that if we masturbate even though we have a lover, it means we’re not really interested in that person. Or that we’re oversexed, needing release above and beyond the pleasures a partner can bring.

But people in relationships certainly do masturbate, for about a million reasons. A few of those reasons:

• Convenience. It might be quicker and easier to get yourself off than to make love with your partner.
• Preference. You might prefer to get yourself off privately, and enjoy other things while you’re with your partner. If you satisfy yourself, you might not feel like you need to worry about orgasm when you’re enjoying partnered sex.
• Inclusion. You might enjoy sex with yourself and with your partner. The more the merrier!
• Education. You might enjoy playing alone to help yourself know your body better, thus improving your comfort level and proficiency during sex with your partner.
• Exploration. You might try out different activities — toys, techniques, fantasies — by yourself, as a preparation to bringing them to your partner or as a way of seeing if you want to.
• Privacy and self-care. Self-pleasure can increase intimacy in the relationship by giving you the opportunity to be alone and take care of yourself.

On the other hand (excuse the pun!), masturbation isn’t something you have to keep separate. It can be a wonderful part of a lovemaking session. Some of the reasons couples masturbate together are:

• It’s sexy! Watching another person masturbate or being watched is a common fantasy for women and for men. It can be the simplest form of exhibitionism or voyeurism between partners.
• It’s fun! Taking care of our own pleasure while with our partners can be even more fun than doing it alone.
• It’s dirty! We’re often told that masturbation is private and maybe even sinful or deviant. Maybe we don’t really believe that — but masturbating with your partner can still be a huge taboo, which is very erotic for some people. Enjoy crossing those boundaries!
• It’s different! Masturbating together can be a great variation from your lovemaking routine, especially if one or both of you feel like you’re in a rut.
• It’s educational! Watching your lover pleasure him- or herself can give you new ideas about how he or she likes things done.
• It’s easy! On those days when you’re too tired to make love but you would still like to be sexual together, masturbating together can be a great low-stress way to do that.
• It’s exploratory! In cases where the two of you are thinking about trying a sexual variation, but one of you is reluctant or uncomfortable, shared masturbation is a way to explore without the awkwardness that partnered sex can sometimes bring. A perfect example of this is, for instance, a woman whose partner may feel uncomfortable with her interest in sex toys — vibrators, dildos, etc. Another example might be a man who enjoys using dildos anally, whose partner is uncomfortable in incorporating that into their lovemaking. Watching each other masturbate using the new technique can bridge that gap.

So if you want to spice up your lovemaking, try masturbating together. And there are plenty of ways you can make those sessions even more exciting. A few of them are:

• Pay attention to your environment. If you’re laying next to each other on the bed, you have the advantage of being in contact, which can be wonderful. But it’s much harder to see what the other person is doing. An alternate way is to sit across from each other, perhaps on two facing couches or easy chairs — you’ll see everything in wonderful detail.
• Talk to each other. Perhaps each of you can tell the other what he or she likes about each technique. Or you can share a sexy fantasy — see the next point.
• Read erotica out loud. Perhaps one of you can read a sexy story aloud while the other one pleasures him- or herself. Or, if you prefer, one of you can make up a sexy story for the other on the spot!
• Watch an erotic movie together. Some of the most popular movies for couples are The Voyeur #13, White Lightning and Thighs Wide Open.
• Wear sexy clothes for yourselves and for each other. This could mean skimpy lingerie, a leather jumpsuit or a tuxedo — whatever makes you and your partner feel sexy while you’re touching yourselves.
• If you enjoy music, play something that turns you on. The slow grind of tribal ambient, the silk voice of Barry White and the inspiration of techno-trance music can all lend a wonderful ambience. Pretend you’re at a strip club putting on a sexy show for your lover!

Most importantly, remember that loving yourself is loving your partner. There’s no reason the two of you can’t enjoy the most fundamental of sexual pleasures while enjoying each other. It’s more than worth the effort!