Good Vibrations Magazine

My first article on sexuality and disability spoke to the question, “Can they do it?” The answer, of course, was a resounding — if slightly qualified — “Yes!”

So now on to the question of “How do they do it?”

The first order of business is having “The Talk.”

To the degree that someone has “limitations” (the quotes are necessary for such an infamously relative term), communication is indispensable. There are few better ways to throw ice on a passionate scene than to bump into an expectation that isn’t going to be met.

An experienced disabled lover knows their body well, has been through the routine before, and knows that describing in advance what won’t happen is what makes for a good time. You relax and enjoy what is possible. Which, of course, is a great deal.

But not everyone is going to be experienced or clear about their sexuality. Whether their disability is acquired or a feature of their life since childhood, they have a process of discovery to address. Someone disabled since childhood is often denied the normal process of development. They often get disqualified as potential partners in a society that assumes they are asexual. The newly disabled partner has some redefining to do. A non-disabled partner might need to initiate The Talk, to make it clear that it’s safe to go into the “what’s different” territory.

Note how The Talk sets a tone of openness and honesty. Even if you’re out for some casual erotic fun, trust is still an issue, right? It works on all levels.

So what’s possible? It’s impossible to generalize, since there are many kinds of disabilities. Whether it be cerebral palsy or spinal cord injury or vision or hearing impairments or multiple sclerosis or post-polio or wrist tendinitis — there is a huge range of degrees of impairment. Someone could have sensory loss on some parts of their body, but be fully orgasmic. A man might be unable to walk, but get healthy erections. Each person has to speak — and explore — for themselves.

Of course, when someone asks, “Can they do it?” they’re referring to insertion. Intercourse is typically possible, though it might need a little help, be it with water-based lubricants or pharmaceutical help with erection. Men can also use a vacuum pump and cock ring, and some have gone as far as surgical implants — which can be very risky. Some women with cerebral palsy have difficulty with vaginal intercourse because the spasticity inherent in their disability has made the vaginal muscles so strong that they just don’t let go enough — though some are able to address this with dilators.

If someone can’t feel genital intercourse, the sheer intimacy of it is still stimulating. The emphasis also shifts to the visual. Sex is lovely to watch, as are the reactions of your partner. This asks an able-bodied partner to get creative with positions to bring things into better view. (”Excuse me while I put my glasses on for this, dear.”)

Instead of requiring orgasm to be an earth-shaking peak, it may need to be redefined. The pleasure is in the process, which moves from attraction to arousal, to the various physiological responses — erection, lubrication, elevated pulse, sweating — to some kind of relative peak. Which might involve ejaculation for a male, or that quality of going over the top for a female. Or not. It’s a matter of what is physiologically possible, and getting into alignment with that. For the disabled lover whose orgasmic response is not so cataclysmic, getting there may be a lot more satisfying.

Thus, subtle sensations might be a higher priority, and can be quite intense. Sex becomes a sort of meditation exercise, focusing one’s attention on the area being caressed or licked, zeroing in on even the slightest responses of the body. And in the course of that, everything else becomes amplified. The sensitivity dial gets turned way up — even the slightest erogenous zone counts.

The sexual space can offer a truly deep and unique quality of relaxed release. For people who spend many hours each day using a wheelchair, who walk with crutches, who don’t have a visual orientation to the horizontal, who can’t use their lower body to support their upper, their normal daily activities can be physically stressful. The chance to really let go of the body — to be deeply comfortable — can be an especially treasured gift to a disabled lover and uniquely accomplished through erotic contact. The stereotype of sex with a disability is to forgo intercourse and concentrate on oral sex. Not everyone has a taste for it (please forgive the obvious pun), but oral sex is an option that allows the disabled partner to play a more active role. For some who experience their disability as a loss of control in a society which devalues people with disabilities, being more active and in control speaks to an essential need for control of one’s life. Oral sex need not be an obligatory consolation prize, but it can be high on the preference list, and enjoyable to boot.

And then there’s kissing. Ah, kissing. So vastly underrated and ignored. When there’s less rush to fuck, one pays due attention to nipples and kneecaps and ears and the back of the neck, the fingers and the palm and the inside of the elbow. This is huge territory that so many people never venture into — until a disability leads them into a more exploratory and sensual style of lovemaking.

There are devotees out there who are erotically turned on by disability. This has been stigmatized and caricaturized over the years, but if some people are turned on by blondes or a large penis, then why not an amputated leg or the inability to walk? The issue is to recognize the whole person, not just the disability. Some devotees do try to cast their partner into an unhealthy, submissive role. But there are plenty of couples out there which include a devotee and have an integrated relationship. Rather than assuming devotees are a scourge from which people with disabilities must be protected (a paternalistic view), the disabled lover has a right to choose for themselves.

Sex in the context of disability invites us to open the boundaries, to forget loss and pursue possibility. To explore sex toys, erotica, striptease, fantasy, and role-playing. The sexual style of people with disabilities runs the same gamut as the rest of humanity. Limited by physiology and/or social stigma, people with disabilities have as much right as anyone to pursue what is safe, sane, and legal.

Someone once asked me what I thought a high quadriplegic like Christopher Reeve and his wife do when they have sex (their having confirmed on television that they still do). Well, he’s got sensation on his face and neck, so she probably lets her tongue wander. His mouth works just fine, so she just needs to get whatever part of her body he prefers in range. He’s an actor, so perhaps he invents and performs erotic stories. Maybe she strips or masturbates for him. He almost certainly can get erect, by whatever method. There are always possibilities.

So, the way it’s done is… any which way you can.

For more information check out the Good Vibes Disability Shopping Guide.