Good Vibrations Magazine

…is one of the many clever ways to describe masturbation, and of course May is National Masturbation Month, so here’s hoping you’re loving yourself as well as possible these days. I’ve talked about masturbation to several jillion people since Good Vibes began National Masturbation Month five years ago; I routinely talk to large groups and small, give interviews on radio, TV, the Internet, and to periodicals. One thing’s certain, NMM gets people’s attention, and my job is often shaped by the expectations and attitudes of the people to whom I’m speaking. (Note to radio shock jocks: No, I will not be masturbating while talking on your show. I didn’t do it last year, and I won’t be doing it this year either. When I masturbate I like to concentrate, and I can’t do that with you talking in my ear, asking whether I’m masturbating.)

I used to have a job for which I could masturbate while on the clock — I worked in a peep show — but that was many years ago. Perhaps some small part of the mixed feelings our culture evinces about masturbation involves the fact that many people have to sneak away from work to do it. In fact, when I speak to people who worry that their masturbation habits are unhealthy and compulsive, one barometer is whether a person loses too much work time because s/he incessantly takes jill-off or jack-off breaks. Such a person may need to get their self-loving impulses under control — of course, s/he may also just need a more interesting job.

There remains a certain discomfort about masturbation — although I’m glad to say I notice more people talking comfortably about it each year. Too many of us were shamed about it as kids — and I am sure that, despite all sex educators’ best efforts, kids today are being shamed too. (Many kids discover masturbation naturally and engage in it with no ill effect, in spite of what you may have heard: It didn’t help masturbation’s’ reputation that several years ago some members of the abuse recovery movement, with no sex education background from which to speak, claimed that kids would only masturbate if an adult had taught them how. This ridiculous claim was made despite ultrasound evidence showing that some babies masturbate before birth!)

There are a lot of reasons to masturbate — it feels wonderful, it’s a stress reliever, it promotes genital health and keeps our plumbing sound. It emphasizes our relationships with ourselves, and many of us are given precious little encouragement to do that. We’re expected to be consumed by work, relationship, and family, not to take time to nurture ourselves on any level. A therapist will remind us of the importance of self-care — but will s/he encourage us to masturbate? Masturbation — especially if you take some time and give the act your attention — can be a veritable ritual of self-care, and can be as healing a thing to do for yourself as anything. This is true whether or not you have a partner (or several), and whether or not your erotic relationship with your partner/s feels healthy. Studies indicate that many people actually masturbate more when they’re in a hot relationship, because they are especially aware of their own sexual energy. In fact, when you’re in love and lust, the whole world can appear to be brimming with sexual energy. I shouldn’t even call it an “appearance,” either. The attraction of molecules is fundamental to life — it’s just that sometimes we tune in and become aware of how powerful and ubiquitous the life force really is.

Okay, I know I’m sounding like a denizen of the Left Coast. But so what? I am. I think that the thing I like best about masturbation is the way it lets us get to know and explore our own sexuality. Too many people, particularly women, are encouraged to wait around until a partner arrives to awaken us — our sexuality is dormant until Prince or Princess Charming shows up. I grew up with that message, so when Mr. Right (or was it Right Now?) arrived and asked me what I liked, I didn’t know. I was only a little better informed when I met Ms. Right. How much more empowered it feels to be able to let a partner in on the secrets of our arousal and response — and what a gift it is. Too many people have fumbled with the buttons of each others’ eroticism. It can feel humiliating on both sides — not knowing if what we’re doing is working, not able to tell a lover how to please us better.

Did you know, for example, that you might have one particular position in which you can orgasm, and deviating from it might make it hard (or impossible) for you to come? Some people are most responsive on their backs, but others come most readily when they kneel or lie on their bellies. Good Vibes founder Joani Blank and I once met a woman in an orgasm workshop we were conducting whose only orgasms came when she was hanging from her arms — she had learned to come as a girl on the chin-up bars in the playground and while climbing the rope in gym. How was she supposed to come with a partner? We suggested — with some seriousness — that she install a trapeze. And I once met a man in the peep show whose usual method of orgasm involved lying on his stomach and rubbing himself against the bedclothes. In a hard-walled peep show booth, this guy couldn’t come! He wasted a fair amount of money before I implored him to go home and finish himself off there. I was worried that he’d hurt himself, trying to rub against the wall with increasing frustration.

While masturbation can help you discover patterns like these (indeed, perhaps it helps to create them in the first place), it can also help alter them, and many other sexual patterns. Sex therapists are constantly sending people home to masturbate, unlearning old behaviors like coming too quickly or sabotaging their own orgasm because they’re afraid to lose control with a partner. Before asking them to try out a new pattern with a partner, the therapists have clients get comfortable on their own. When we masturbate we tend to use the most focused and efficient stimulation — the feedback loop is practically instantaneous — and giving ourselves orgasms is a powerful method of positive reinforcement. This has been demonstrated even in the lab. Sure, you know about Pavlov’s dog’s relationship to dog food, but it’s less common knowledge that many lab animals have been given sexual stimulation as Dr. Science unlocks the secrets of neural pathways and sexual response. (Yes, I’d prefer that critters got to enjoy their sex lives in the wild, but at least this treatment beats most of the other things lab animals have to put up with.)

Masturbation with fantasy has been used as another sort of lab, one in which a person can try on new erotic ideas in a search for her or his own most profound sources of arousal. “Know thyself” is a maxim we humans have heard repeated for thousands of years, and it’s possible to learn a great deal about yourself sexually without trying diverse positions and partners. Just let your mind wander while you masturbate — or, if your mind isn’t the wandering kind, read or watch erotic materials and see what gets the juices flowing. Your physical experience — with yourself or with partners — is only part of your sexual response. The rest happens in your head, and can be explored at your own pace.

So whether or not you intend to share the love, remember to love yourself. Keep the blood flowing. Free your mind and see how quickly your body follows. Learn about your own individual sexuality. It’s not exactly like anyone else’s, and you’re the one who ought to know it most intimately.

Happy National Masturbation Month!