Good Vibrations Magazine

Imagine my shock when, at the tender age of 22 or so, I suddenly realized that I was unable to masturbate. The problem? Simple: I was just too damn heavy, and the position in which I had learned to masturbate (lying on my belly with my hand sandwiched underneath me) was no longer feasible. I’d try to jill off, but after about five minutes, my hand would rapidly become numb from lack of circulation. Either that, or I’d end up getting muscle cramps from fighting against the weight of my body on my arm. Both, in case you were wondering, were excellent mood-breakers.

Thus I was forced, as many people are, to either figure out a new way to get myself off or else go without. I wasn’t all too eager to lose the ability to give myself sexual pleasure, so I started experimenting, and was soon successful in finding ways of getting myself excited that didn’t put my hand to sleep.

This is not to say that re-learning how to masturbate is necessarily easy. As we learn to masturbate, we often end up gravitating toward a single position or a single technique that we have found to be most consistently reliable for our particular bodies and preferences. It becomes linked in our minds with the act of self-pleasuring itself, and often it seems as if there is simply no other way we can do it: this is how I masturbate. When that pet technique stops working, we may feel as if our ability to masturbate has been taken from us or destroyed by changes in our bodies or physical abilities. It takes quite a bit of patience, creativity, juicy fantasizing, and perhaps a few dabs of lube to help us get over the feeling that things are not quite as they should be and into the groove of developing new, hot, satisfying masturbation techniques.

However, my experience and that of many others bears out the fact that we definitely can learn new ways of masturbating. When it comes to jacking or jilling off, patience and determination (and don’t forget those hot motivational fantasies!) will ultimately get you to your goal. It doesn’t matter how or why your traditional masturbation methods don’t work — weight gain, body size or shape, pregnancy, injury, disabilities, and even things some people don’t think of, like repetitive stress syndromes, can wreak havoc on your solo sex life — learning to adapt your masturbation to your body’s abilities and capacities will help you along the road to do-it-yourself nirvana. The tips in this article are geared toward the specific problems and issues of fat folks, but they’re useful for anyone.

Positioning

Think about the position you normally take for masturbating. What is comfortable or uncomfortable about it? What does and doesn’t work? We all have to start when we are thinking creatively about improving our solo sex lives, and many of us never stop to consider that the way we masturbate may simply be ergonomically bad for our bodies and their abilities.

For instance, someone with a big belly may not be able to easily reach his or her genitals sitting up. Leaning to one side or lying on one side can help: reaching around that belly, or over a less-steep slope of it, can clear a path you never knew you had. Never be afraid to let gravity help!

If spreading your hips wide or creating enough space between your thighs is problematic, take a tip from the gynecologists of the world and learn what bending your knees can do for you. Laying on your back and propping pillows under your bent knees, then letting your knees fall slightly to the sides can create a good amount of room between your thighs without you having to spread your legs uncomfortably.

Or what if you crave penetration, but have trouble holding a dildo or toy at a comfortable angle? Lucky for you, the sexperts of the world have been working their little fingers to the nub developing several possible solutions: dildo/toy harnesses that can strap onto chairs or cushions, toys with suction-cup bases that can be stuck onto smooth surfaces, and even some nifty boomerang-shaped penetration toys that can give you the advantage of a “handle” (the other end of the toy) exactly where you need it. These devices can let you alter your physical position to something much more comfortable, while still allowing you the sensations you want. not to mention the fact that they can allow you to eroticize all kinds of interesting locations around the house.

Toys

While we’re on the subject, let’s hear a big cheer for vibrators, dildos, butt-plugs and other toys! Not only do they increase the variety and scope of masturbation (and partner sex) for many people, but they can in fact make it possible for some people to masturbate at all. That’s definitely something worth celebrating.

Perhaps the most popular tool for solo sex is the vibrator, which can be used by people of all genders. Vibrators may be used to stimulate any part of the body, although the time-honored favorites are the clitoris, the vulva, the perineum, the vagina and of course, our pal the happy little anus. I’m happy to announce that the much-lauded “Cadillac of vibrators,” the Hitachi Magic Wand, is an excellent instrument of self-pleasure for almost anyone, including those who may have reach issues (i.e.: people who may be unable to easily reach their own genitals for one reason or another). With its tennis-ball-sized head at the end of a foot-long stem, it gives you those critical inches for getting to your most sensitive spots. Don’t forget that the Hitachi can be topped off with a variety of accessories designed to allow anal or vaginal penetration and/or G-spot stimulation.

For those who prefer something a little lighter, both in terms of weight and vibration, I highly recommend the Flex-O-Pleaser. With its buzzy, egg-shaped plastic head at the end of a long, flexible stalk, and the small motor housed in the handle, it provides a delightful alternative to the Hitachi that is much less taxing on the hands and wrists. As a bonus, the slender stem fits easily between two bodies — even fat ones — without feeling like you’ve got a railroad tie stuck between the two of you. For you girls who like to ride on top and like clit stimulation at the same time, but find that reaching for your own clit can be uncomfortable for you or your partner (those knuckle bruises on your partner’s lower abdomen may make you feel a little guilty later on) this can be just the ticket.

Don’t forget that there are many different positions in which you can use your vibrator, too. You don’t even have to hold it in your hands. One friend of mine swears by sitting on her Hitachi with the handle pointing away from her body and the head sandwiched happily under her clit, another likes to wedge a dildo-shaped battery vibrator between her upper thighs and buck her hips forward to make contact between her labia and the vibrator. Different strokes, as they say, are often what’s required, so don’t be afraid to experiment.

This One’s For All The Fat Girls

Listen up, ladies, because I’m going to introduce you to the fat-girl version of the Joani’s Butterfly and all those other small vibrators designed to be worn — you know, the ones where a G-string-like harness of elastic holds the vibrator against the vulva, enabling you to wear your buzzer under your clothes. Those of you who’ve bought one of these have undoubtedly discovered that the elastic leg bands are not necessarily “one size fits all.” They can be fairly easily adjusted — simply go to your local fabric store and buy more elastic of the same width, in whatever length you require, and retrofit at will — but a sassy fat girlfriend of mine taught me how we lucky fat chicks can do the G-string butterflies, dolphins, and so forth one better. All you need are a pair of fairly tight-fitting panties, a vibrating bullet-style vibrator (the smaller, the better, and if you can find a remote-controlled one, buy it!), and your fabulous, fleshy, built-in fat chick labia.

Now, I know some of you girls have worried about having chubby labia or a fat mons. Truth is that it’s one of the places that a little bit of extra fat can be stored, and it’s no big deal. In fact, some thinner women’s labia are on the thick side too. It’s one of those being-a-girl things, and some people find a fat pussy to be incredibly hot. So, for those of you with typical big girl parts, now you can find out why the goddess blessed you with those nice thick lips.

Simply tuck that little bullet vibe right between those chubby lips of yours — just above, just over, or just below your clitoris — and pull up your panties, looping the battery pack/motor control up and over the waistband of your panties. If you have a remote-control one, so much the better. Now every time you stick your hand in your pocket, you can send yourself into orbit, the combination of those nice thick labia and a pair of tight panties (think of them as a safety net in case that buzzy little devil starts to wander) will let you keep a buzz on all day if you want to. An added plus is that in most cases, those chubby labia are great soundproofing, and the tiny sound of the motor will most likely be completely inaudible. Try it at the office: it’ll make your co-workers wonder why you’re in such a good mood!

One for the Gents

Every so often I hear cries of frustration from men who find that, for one reason or another, they are simply not able to whack off with their customary aplomb. It could be carpal tunnel, tennis elbow, weight gain, or any number of things, but not being able to beat off when you really want to just sucks, and not in the good way.

Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to your pillows. Many men find that a good pillow hump is a quite functional alternative to a date with Rosy Palmer and her five sisters. Wrapping a bit of plastic wrap around the pillow and applying lube to yourself and the plastic can help give you that lovin’ feeling and cut down on the potential for friction burns between skin and fabric, though there are some men of my acquaintance who swear by satin pillowcases (how chic!). Some guys prefer to just put on a magnum-sized condom, squirting a healthy dose of lube into the condom beforehand. I’m told it makes for easier cleanup and keeps the lube where you want it more effectively. Whatever you prefer is fine — perhaps you’ll develop your own techniques.

A more involved technique, and one which requires a bit of investment, is to couple the use of pillows with my favorite boy-toy, the amazing Fleshlight. These long thermos-bottle-like cylinders contain a yielding, satiny, gripping, delectable sheath of one of the sexiest polymers known to humankind, and I mean that sincerely — as soon as dildos made of the same stuff hit the market, I bought two. With an opening at one end of the sheath (you can choose mouth, pussy or anus depending on your whim), the Fleshlight offers an orifice so inviting that it remains the only sex toy for men that has ever given me a case of penis envy. Wedging it between two pillows, you can then hold the pillows with your arms and/or knees and enjoy what I am told is a particularly exquisite ride free of problems of reach, hand or arm injury problems, or body shape.

For more tips on toys, masturbation, and other sexual techniques, check out Chapter 6 of Big, Big Love (Greenery Press). While you’re at it, pick up a copy of the brand new Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica (Cleis Press) — because there’s nothing to fuel those masturbation fantasies like hot, steamy, size-positive smut! Happy Masturbation Month!