Good Vibrations Magazine

Shakespeare was right — all the world’s a stage, and the men and women merely players. But it’s not always easy to play your part when you haven’t got the right costume, a problem which plagues those of us who are bigger than the so-called “standard sizes” found in most clothing stores and catalogues. It’s particularly true when it comes to sexy clothes, and while I’d be the last person to argue that you have to have sexy clothes to be a sexy person, that’s really beside the point.

The point is that to some degree our notions of our sexual possibilities are influenced by what we see around us and have available to us. When all the sexy clothes are too small (and you’d have only a slightly more difficult time getting a lesbian into the Oval Office than finding a French maid costume big enough to fit someone who wears a 52F bra), the clear message that’s given to women too big for those sexy clothes — to say nothing of the BDSM gear, dildo harnesses, and other things that get made in a “one size fits all” that doesn’t — is that they’re too big to be sexy, too big for sex.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, it happens to men as well. Finding silk boxer shorts in a 5X is not an effort to be undertaken by the faint of heart. But just as women in general are more likely to be buying and wearing sexy clothes and lingerie, women are disproportionately affected by the erotic disenfranchisement that comes along with simply not having access to the accessories that go along with a vibrant sense of sexual self-expression.

Certainly the situation’s not as bleak as it once was. Plus-sized clothing has broken out of the navy blue polyester doubleknit closet over the past 15 years or so, and it definitely has improved things. The trampoline-like expanses of hospital-white elastic that used to pass for plus-sized “foundation garments” have at least partially given way to a small but reasonably available selection of lacy bras, colorful panties, even things like thongs, the occasional camisole, and, if you get lucky, a bustier or slinky nightie. You can open a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog and find, lo and behold, that some of their items are available in extended sizes, all the way through a (in practice rather meager) 3X.

If you’re bigger than that, though, forget it — you’re too big. Come back when you’ve lost weight. And don’t bother complaining that you can’t get what you want. What’s that? You say you’re not the “demure little flowered A-line camisole that hides the hips” kind of girl, and you’d prefer one of those snazzy red and black cut-out bras? And you’d like to see it on an actual plus-size model instead of on some six-foot-tall size 12 who passes for a plus-size model? Oh, please, dear. Why don’t you just sit down and shut up and let someone else tell you what you should wear… and be… and do?

Well, I’ll tell you why not. Sexy clothes, even downright slutwear, aren’t a privilege — they should be a right. We’re all sexual beings. We all want to be seen as and regarded as sexy. We live in a culture where, for many people, part of feeling sexy and being seen as sexy involves dressing the part. Victoria’s Secret is really pretty simple: dressing up is a way to feel special, to feel desirable, to feel pretty. Sometimes, it’s a way to feel wickedly delicious, transgressive, daring, and exciting. It can even be a path to being actually aroused. I know I’m not the only person who finds the sensation of my favorite lingerie against my skin to be a turn-on all by itself.

So what’s a big fat sex-positive fashionista to do? Well, a little research definitely helps. The resource guide in the back of my book, Big Big Love: A Sourcebook On Sex For People of Size And Those Who Love Them, lists quite a few options. Hitting the web is another excellent option, and there are many specialty businesses which will amply reward the equally ample sexpot shopper. Even here on the Good Vibrations site, where lingerie isn’t the order of the day, there’s one excellent plus-size item that will expand almost anyone’s erotic wardrobe while expanding their sexual possibilities at the same time: the Crown dildo harness, made by Stormy Leather especially for those of us who want to use our extra cushion for the pushin’. Better yet, check out GV’s Handy Shopping Guide for Fat Folks.

A little activism doesn’t hurt, either. Write a letter to your local plus-size clothes emporium, or to catalog companies you patronize. Tell them what you’d like to see, and what kinds of models and advertising would get you to buy more lingerie. Inform them that you’re tired of having someone else dictate what your erotic fashion sense should be, and that more variety is definitely in order. Really, it makes a difference. With sexy fashions as with sex itself, the more people ask for what they want, the more likely they are to get it.

Just in case you need a little encouragement to take that little shimmy down the sexy clothes path, I’ve come up with a list for you: my Top 10 Reasons Fat People Should Wear Sexy Clothes.

10. Because it generates an aura of sex appeal that can be very, very contagious.

9. Because, let’s face it, big women in bustiers and corsets give those bustiers and corsets a reason to exist.

8. Because it puts a wiggle in your walk and a sly, totally irresistible “I’ve got a secret” smile on your face when you’re wearing something super-sensuous under your regular clothes.

7. Because the mere notion of big bearish guys in sexy boxers is known to make strong men and women weak in the knees.

6. Because slinky fabrics feel so good on your skin, and you’ve got so much skin for them to feel good on.

5. Because if you wear ‘em in front of other people, you’re doing fabulous, effective social equality activism without even opening your mouth, just by being who you are and wearing something sexy.

4. Because people wearing clothing that makes them feel sexy are automatically sexier than they would be otherwise.

3. Because it’s subversive for fat people to acknowledge their sexiness.

2. Because dressing up is playful and fun and makes you feel adventurous and exciting.

1. Because you can.